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79 comments
Do you really want to hurrrrrt meeeee, do you really wa–
HONNNNNK SCREEECH
Wow, I need to clean this spot on the windshield better…
SMASH CRASH TINKLE TINKLE
... that took care of it...
Wheeee I’m a bird!
Never seen the sky like this before, amazing
Oh man pavement, that’s gonna hurt like a son of a bit–
Sploot skiddddddddd
Nothingness
Nothingness
Murmur murmur murmur murmur
Nothingness
Murmur murmur murmurrrrrrr murmurrrrrrr distant screaming
Murrrmm “... out of nowhere!” Muted
Underwater sounds … is that screaming?
Sounds like underwwuuuh
Underwuuuh
Why’s the street sound like it's under whuuuuh
Stop screaming, who’s screaming
What's happened?
Why do I see so many feet?
Look at all the shoes, so many shoes here and that guy needs a new pair
Maybe he can borrow someone’s while people watch me view this closeup of the road
That’s it my guy, I’m providing a distraction
Steal some better shoes
Nnngggggg I think I’ll just rest here a minute
I can’t breathe, you are all too close, move away
Mmmmmm hnnnggggg
Why isn’t my mouth working
I can’t feel my fingers either oh god
I really wanted some time off … this is great … I didn’t want to spend it lying in feet though
Is this a new resort like Sandals except All-Shoes
Don’t you people have jobs to go to?!
Nnnngggghhh Still no good, can’t move why can’t I move
“Lay still, buddy. Take it easy. Ambulance is on the way.”
Smack smack smack smack smacksmacksmack
My head pounding the pavement = guaranteed headache later shit
Why is that happening smack smack smack squish squish squish
Thanks my dude for the assist, appreciate the palm pillow
Nothingness
Nothingness
What happened and why all the staring, go home and just let me sleep
So embarrassing
Murmur murmur murmur
Nothingness
REA-rea-REA-rea-REA-rea-REA-rea-REA
God make it stop
That noise is killing my head
Wow, fast shoes comin’ at ya
No don’t move me please, I like it here can’t you tell I’m on vacation this week
Mom I’m scared!
Nothingness
Nothingness
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Oh god everything hurts
There’s that nice nurse again
Click flick plunge
Thank you angel of mercy
Nothingness
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. beep
Daylight
I know where I am
But why
Oh the pavement
OMG who’s feeding Toonces?!
I can’t be here
Beep BEEP BEEPBEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP
No not you, stay away, I have to go! No…
Click flick plunge
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep
It’s dark again
Everything itches
I’m tired of lying down
Why can’t I move anything
…TOONCES!
BeepBeep BEEP BEEPBEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP
Nooo, not you aga…
Click flick plunge
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep
Daylight now, so tired
Everything hurts AND itches now
“Gughhh”
And still can’t talk
I have to tell someone think think think Paul
“Good morning, Paul! You’re awake! You’ve had quite an adventure.”
“Aw hon, here let me get you a tissue, it’s ok. You are safe and the doctor will be in to chat with you later today and answer any questions you might have. We’re glad you’re back with us!”
If I can just make my hand into a writing claw…she’ll understand…
“You need a pen? Why don’t you wait and the doctor can help you with that and answer your questions then.”
NO lady I need you to help Toonces omg please please please help me
“I’ll get you some more tissues. It’s going to be okay. Let me just get you a little extra pain medication, too; you’re probably really hurting, I can tell.”
No no please please ple–
Click flick plunge
Nothingness
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep
“...am Dr. Kirby. You are one lucky man, Paul! Do you remember anything?”
Barely a head shake but it’s all I can manage TOONCES
“Paul, I need you to not try moving too much. You have a lot of hardware and stitches and bandages right now, and you are liable to cause yourself some injury if you struggle.”
Claw hand please please understand this time
“You want to write something? Hold on – nurse! Please bring the patient a pad and pen. There we go, go ahead.”
tmCez
“I’m sorry, Paul. I don’t understand…”
caT
“Oh okay, I gotcha. Listen, don't worry about anything. Someone from your office came by with the police two days ago and took your phone and keys to check on your house for you and call your family contacts. We’ll make sure they did and that your cat is fine, okay? I need you to relax, it will be okay. Right now our main goal is to help get you healed up and back to your old self in no time, but I’m going to need your help with that, ok?”
Nod frustration
“Nurse, please bring the patient some tissues. It’s going to be okay, Paul. It is a miracle that you survived, but a miracle is a good start, right? Do you remember anything yet?”
Head shake sobbing
“You were in a car accident, Paul. A car ran a red light and collided with yours; apparently you weren’t wearing a seatbelt, so you went through the windshield and hit the pavement at a good clip. You have a concussion and several broken bones and contusions. You’re going to have some reconstructive surgery necessary, but you are going to get through this, okay?”
Numb shock
“I want to stress again that you are very lucky to be alive, and you’re in the best possible hands, Paul. We’re going to help you get through this. Go ahead and give him his next dose please, nurse.”
Click flick plunge
Nothingness
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep
Daylight.
“He’s awake.”
MOM! Omg omg omg
“Here’s some Kleenex, baby. It’s okay, shhh.”
Sobbing
“Shh shh it’s okay sweetheart. You gave us such a scare when we heard. Dad’s at your apartment right now. Toonces is okay, alright? Shh.”
SOBBING
“Nurse, he seems so upset, is there anything you can give him to help him calm down?”
Vigorous head shake
“Ms. Actel, I think he’s just really happy you're here.”
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Fantastic use of language and following the prompt. A person being in an accident and the aftermath was the perfect vehicle (pun intended) for this story. Kudos!
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Appreciate your encouraging comment, Roger! :)
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Wow. I saw this prompt and I was like 'how?' certainly would have been difficult for me. at the beginning I thought he had been hit by a car... last year my brother was hit (and run over) by a truck.
'wheeee I'm a bird' :)
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hehe :) Thank you for your lovely comment, and for taking the time to read my story!
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I had no idea how to tackle this prompt … so I’ll keep my head in the sand :) it’s just disturbing, like, a piano fell on my 11th grade English instructor … I’ll give you a thumbs up on it though … :)
R
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hehe Thanks, Russell. :)
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Nice! I see we were both kind of onto the same idea, a patient’s perceptions in a hospital. Fragmented images and thoughts. Good job.
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Thank you!
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I read this one twice - it was really brilliant how you made the fragments fit the feel of an accident and what the victim was experiencing - you really brought us into it and allowed us to feel the disjointed fragmented chaos through the structure. Wonderful work!
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Thanks very much, Kristin - I am thrilled you liked it! :)
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This is so outside the box, Wendy! Very creative, and I love that you really took the prompt and made it your own. Totally unlike anything else I've ever read, on this site or in books. Thought it was a great idea to have Toonces (what a fun name) be the driving force of Paul's recovery. It's what made the last sentence work for me.
Plus, there's just a lot of fun literary elements at play here: onomatopoeia and repetition and italicized visual cues. It's a good example of taking all the writing rules, throwing them out the window, and making up your own. Love it. Thanks for sharing this one.
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Appreciate your awesome review, Zack - thank you for making time to read and leave such encouraging words! :)
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Wendy, you've done it marvelously, once again. 😊
You pulled me into the story with the very first line; someone listening to a song on the radio, and then, all H*ll breaks loose.
My first thought was someone riding on a motorcycle (motorcycles have radios too, and I didn't think about a driver of a car, not wearing a seat belt)-but that was just me, not you, because you cleared that up later with the explanation and it was equally as credible, (and maybe more so).
Sentence fragments notwithstanding (you met the requirements for the prompt beautifully) I was able to easily follow the scenario visually all the way through the story. Particularly like the recurring bit where he gets the shot of morphine (or whatever) that puts him under (Click flick plunge).
A powerful story worthy of any short-fiction anthology, and a solid contender for this contest. Best of luck.... 😊
Cheers!
RG
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Thank you so much, Richard - your reviews always leave me with such a smile, and I really appreciate you taking the time! I can't believe I didn't think of a motorcycle! That would have been even better, because they already call them "donorcycles" for a reason. Never too late for a later re-write! *grin* Thank you again, truly.
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Donorcycles..lol... haven't heard that one for a while......roger that...and they have windshields too..... 😊
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I really enjoyed this, Wendy! I loved how disorienting the beginning was and then way the story slowly unfolded through the fragments. We got a taste of what it was like for Paul. I really like the way Paul cared and was worried about Toonces - it was a clever way to develop his character. A great story, thank you for sharing! =)
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Thank you, Beth! Appreciate you taking the time to read and leave such a kind review. :)
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Hectic! I felt like I was there, indeed! I think the thoughts, dialogue, and various sounds are well balanced (and well disjointed!) and keep the pace up.
Toonces is a good segue into the new week's prompt!
It's good that there are longer direct speeches at the end, as a good intro to the happy ending! Only, maybe some of them are too long? I think that what happens in the story is clear enough, there's no need for long explanations.
All in all, I liked it!
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Thanks, Lorenzo! I appreciate the suggestion, too: it is too late now to change it for this week, but something I will definitely keep in mind, so thank you for that, as well. :)
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Awesome POV — it reminds me of college broadcast cast, where we wrote and produced radio dramas (mine was a Columbo!). Love to hear this produced as an audio-story — it truly spurs visualization. Theater of the mind!
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Columbo?! You been holdin' out on me?!! :D Thanks very much, Martin! Seemed like a perfect topic for a fragmentary challenge. :)
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Very intense! Interesting perspective...
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Thanks, Ela! :)
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I really like your story, especially Toonces
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Thanks very much, Amy!
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Great story Wendy
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