Mom's Locket

Charlotte walked through the snow. February in the bible belt still bit a bit. That is to say, it was cold, still. But she wouldn’t be out here long. Just one cigarette then back inside. She could face that. She may not be able to deal with her mother’s passing in the future, she reflected. But she could stand in the snow for five more minutes. A loss of possibilities. That was what death meant to her. Now, she and her mother could go practically anywhere and do practically anything, but once her mother died, it would be just herself, maybe carting around some ashes. And then only ‘til she scattered them wherever her mother wanted, then it was all over. Literally.

So she stood there in the snow and smoked her cigarette contemplating all of this and tried to think of ways to lift her spirits other than her American Spirits but basically failed so she resorted to kicking her feet and when she did, she hit something. She looked down and saw something glimmer in the snow. She bent down to inspect whatever it was. It looked like it was some kind of locket. “Huh” thought Charlotte. So she picked up the locket and inspected it. It was heart-shaped and gold. She wondered how in the world had it gotten out here practically in the woods, but stranger things have happened.

She hesitated for one second before opening the locket and the thought she had was “Is this even real?” But she opened the locket, and inside there were two pictures: a man and a woman. Both were relatively young. She was just noting how dated the pictures were and also how reasonably attractive both the man and woman were when she realized she recognized the woman. “Mom???” The cigarette dropped from her mouth.

Why was this out here? And why is she so weirded out? She steadied her thoughts and looked at the picture of the man in the locket but it is definitely not her father. She really can not believe she found this. She came so close to crushing it. She moves to stamp out her cigarette and pockets the locket and starts in on the walk back to her mother’s house. What a trip, she thinks.

“Mom…” she yells when she gets back in the living room of her mother’s house just a few minutes later. “What, honey?” She hears back as she rounds the corner to the main hallway. “Look what I found outside.” Her mother sees the glint of gold and knows exactly what she’s found. “Oh! That old thing! I wondered where that had gotten to, well, here it is, now. Mystery solved.” “Um, no.” Charlotte persists “Mystery not solved. Who is this man?” She couldn’t help herself. She never could.

“Oh that’s Reynolds Harrill.” Spoke the mother. “Reynolds Harrill? Who is that?” “Oh, just some guy I met when I was in the red cross that I dated for a summer. Don’t you remember? I met him in Uganda and we were sort of hot and heavy there for a summer and he wanted to settle down but I was just getting going with the red cross so we parted ways! Yeah, but he got me this locket. I could have sworn I had told you about him.”

“Um, no. You definitely never did tell me about him. So this was before you met dad?” “Yeah! A couple years before. And he gave me this locket and honestly I thought I lost it but here it is!” This was all so suspicious to Charlotte that she did not connect her mother’s words, with her facial expressions, with her tone. Suffice it to say she was overwhelmed and could not process all of this right away. “So…which one are you really into?” Oh God, thought Charlotte. That came out all messed up. “You mean which man did I really love?” Her mother asked. “Yeah, I mean of course you married dad, but I didn’t even know you had another man that gave you a locket at some point.” “Exactly,” her mother said. “Your dad was the love of my life and he gave me you and this other man was just a summer fling.” “Ok” said Charlotte.

Things were starting to blur together for Charlotte as she walked into the kitchen. If her mother had had a fling with a man in Uganda before she even met her dad, why was she just now hearing about it? Surely at some point in her life she would have come across this piece of information. She sat down. The only thing she needed to determine was what was the exact nature of the relationship. In other words, did her mother love this man more than she let on? It would be easy to believe her mother’s words were true, that it was a fling and nothing more. But it would behoove her to err on the side of caution in case the fling meant more to her mother than she was letting on. After all, she just found a locket with their pictures. Still, summer flings were summer flings and Charlotte loved her dad and knew her mom did as well.

Charlotte had always been upfront with her mother. She liked certain things and didn’t like others, and she said as much. They had always been blunt each with the other. So why was this locket lurking in her thoughts? The idea that her mother had a whole life that she could not access was so odd. That she was like her own person who existed before Charlotte was just too weird. “Woah!” yelled Charlotte as she watched her mom slide on the wooden floor in the hallway. “Don’t fall and wind up having to go to the hospital. Wouldn’t that be crazy?”

Charlotte meditated on this more as she sifted through some old baby pictures in the living room while her mother was in the kitchen making some drinks. She wondered if her father ever knew about Reynolds Harrill. Having a previous boyfriend is hardly a deal breaker. Why keep it a secret? “Mom,” Charlotte yelled, “Did Dad ever know about Reynolds Harrill?” “Oh,” said Patricia, “I am sure I told him at some point but I mean, you know, your father dated girls before me.”

“Right,” said Charlotte “all of a sudden I’m aware of my parents’ romantic possibilities.” “Haha,” said Patricia “Well you’re hardly a little girl, you ought to be aware of my little fling.” “Ew, mom. Don’t say it like that.” Said Charlotte “What, fling?” Said Patricia. “That’s what it was. I mean we met some nights under the hot African moon when everything was a go…” “Ew. Ok I get it,” interrupted Charlotte. “Here,” said Patricia, “help me lift this for a second.”

Charlotte did as she was told and then she went into the living room and got back to sorting through the baby pictures. She knew every person in all of these pictures. She was of course front and center. As an only child she was doted on like one might expect an only child to be doted on. She knew she had a privileged upbringing. Socioeconomically. And that she had both parents’ affection. Still, she sometimes wondered if she would’ve liked having a sibling. In reality it was all her, all the time. It was the only lens through which she saw her life.

As the evening went on Charlotte and Patricia got to talking about TV and she had almost forgotten about the locket when Patricia said “you know your father, God rest his soul, he never understood why I joined the red cross. And sometimes I think he had a thing against Reynolds that he was projecting, you know? But I mean I never dated anyone seriously all throughout college. It wasn’t until the red cross that I finally found someone who got me on that level.”

“So why didn’t you stay with him?” Asked Charlotte. “Oh, truth be told we got into a couple of fights over some silly things. And, I wanted a family and he didn’t. After that bomb dropped he made passes but they never really went anywhere.” “Really?” said Charlotte, “God I would hate to be in a romantic situation that kept flitting out.” “Well,” said Patricia, “your heart is in the right place but sometimes things just happen that prevent anything from happening, I guess.” “Yeah,” said Charlotte, “I hate all that uncertainty like will they or won’t they. Just make up your mind already! You know?” “I know,” said Patricia, “I know.”

Charlotte looked down at a puzzle that the two women had been working on for a few days and started to take up the pieces again, seeing where she could make a connection. Their puzzle was of a big red barn and some flora and fauna speckled around the scene and they had a lot of the barn done and some of the wildlife was done as well so they were stuck with most of the shades of green that connected all the conspicuous parts of the scene.

“Here,” said Patricia, taking a puzzle piece and placing it next to another. “These two fit together nicely.” “No they don’t” Charlotte rejoined and both women leaned forward to examine the pieces. “Yeah,” said Patricia, “this thingie connects in here with this opening.” “What are you talking about?” Said Charlotte, “that’s not a match at all. And don’t say ‘thingie.’ It makes me feel like you’re talking about something else.” Charlotte looked at her mother askance and then smiled and her mother met her eyes and just shrugged.

“They make these pieces so hard to see.” Groaned Charlotte. “Yeah,” said her mother. “Hey, remember the night we went to the aquarium and you were struggling to see the Tiger Shark and you were looking and looking and finally you saw it and it scared you half to death?” “Yeah.” Said Charlotte, “who would’ve expected it to be hiding out like that at the top of the tank? Haha. Why?” “Oh nothing,” said her mother, “that is just a nice memory. You were so young and so eager and captivated by everything you saw at that age. And you had kind of a thing for Dolphins.” “Yeah,” said Charlotte, “well I was 10 years old.” “Of course, honey,” said Charlotte, “it makes perfect sense that you would grow out of that. That was just a phase and people grow and change.” Said Patricia with a smile.

“I want you to know,” said Patricia with a soft smile, “you were everything I wanted in a daughter.” “Oh mom,” said Charlotte, “really? Are we gonna do this now?” “No I’m serious” said Patricia, “I will not be here forever and I just want you to know that you lived up to all my wildest expectations.” “Mom,” said Charlotte, “can we please not talk about your death, I just can’t go there right now.” “I know,” said her mother, “I know, but I just wanted you to know that you were everything I hoped for.” And with that Patricia stood up and walked into the kitchen.

They had had good nights. They were there for each other and interacted often. That Charlotte had never heard of Reynolds Harrill was all the more surprising to her since she and her mother were so close. Charlotte stood and walked to the back door to have a cigarette and went out again into the brisk cold. She thought of the locket; that her mother had had a life before her that she hadn’t even known about. And she accepted that. That her mother had her crazy whims and her kooky ideas and she loved her anyway. She came first and paved the way for Charlotte to follow, and one day she would pass. It’s as much as we can do. That was okay with Charlotte, that would have to be okay.