Myrtle-The-Turtle’s Finds Real, True Romance

Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Va., there lived a turtle who answered to the name of Myrtle. Actually, half of the female turtles in the town answered to that name, the other half didn’t answer to anything. She kept by the motto of every turtle which was, “Slow and steady wins the race.” That was due to the old famous race had with a hare some time ago. Yet when any animal asked her to let them know what a motto was she would always reply, “Nothing. What’s the, ‘motto’ with you?” Then she would laugh and punch whoever asked her the question. Well, actually she’d punch them in a part of their anatomy where she figured they wouldn’t mind her hitting. Many of the other animals, especially turtles, wouldn’t get any of her punch-lines, which were actually, “ ‘pun’ch-lines” because it’s what she did to them. Those who didn’t get the jokes would frown. Those who did would moan and shake their heads quite disgust- edly. Another one of her famous lines was when she’d say to the other animals, “I saw some snoo on my neighbor's hole.” When they’d ask her, “What’s snoo?” she always reply, “Oh, nothing much. What’s, ‘snoo’ with you?” then she’d always punch them and laugh hysterically.

She was known around the hood as, “the Jokestress.” If any of the animals didn’t get some of her funny lines she’d say, “What’s wrong? Is my sense of humor, ‘the deep-end’ with you? That means, ‘over your head?’ ” Then she’d laugh and playfully punch them again. Several of the animals wished she would go live in Nebraska, The, “Korn” State.” Yet when the other animals told her that she would just reply, “Well, I was thinkin’-about-winkin’ and blinkin’ then moved all my flowers which had pink-in and were drinin’ to keep them from stinkin’ and I’m as honest as Abe Lincoln so you don’t have to think-in bad terms, but I’m gonna start drinkin’ if we put a stink- in to just be able to bring a coat of mink-in our house." Then that was followed by some more maniacal laughter geared towards whoever set her up for that specific, “ ‘pun’ch line.” Everybody who got the puns would moan and shake their heads. The rest would look at her with a weird expression on their faces.

Make that everybody except one 15 year-old boy named Dram which is short for dramamine since he was born on a cruise ship. His mamma had named him that because it was what she owed her life to while sea-sickness and delivering him at the same time. She told him, “I worked extremely hard for you to take your first breath, son! I call you that since I was hoping you’d be a really, ‘bright’ kid! I worked really hard for you to take your first breath! They don’t call it, ‘labor’ for nothing, you know! All you did was cry which was the same thing I’d been doing!”

That upset Dram so much it made her pack some suitcases. After her parents had gone to bed, she ran away from home. Now she was really risking her life, not having a clue what life had in store for her with no money, no helpers, no housing, no job and no direction to go with her life. Other than that, she had it pretty well planned out for what lay ahead.

Her first thought was to go move in with her best-friend, Sue. She was a full-blooded Cherakee Indian and had a, “heep-big teepee” which was large enough to share with another person. The problem was Dram happened to be a full-blooded Pawnee who hated The Seox tribe. Well, naturally, that made Dram want to sew Sue’s Sioux's soon.

Yet none of those things affected Myrtle because she could always just go into her house and shut all the windows to block out any noise from animals arguing or fighting about stuff that seemed silly to her in the first place. She’d just turn up the music on her stereo, watch some kind of movie on her tiny big-screen

t v or shoot pool when it was in season. It was quite hard finding anybody who enjoyed playing ping-pong on her table because her water heater got in the way. That’s why you seldom ever see a turtle with those kinds of things in their houses. Yet she didn’t want to be too, “shell”- fish with her things, although if she ran out of gas, she could always get some from a nearby “ ‘Shell’-station.”

Then one day while she was in her jacuzzi jacuzzing, a thought hit her. That really hurt. It was, even though she had just about everything a turtle could ever need and then some, she did not have anybody to share those things with. She was quite lonesome. She just needed somebody to share those things with so she went to the local Single Turtle's Club in hopes of meeting a cute male turtle. Besides, all the, “male” she ever received was letters with those little windows on them from her pen-pal named, “Bill.” Then occasionally she’d receive a letter from her rich uncle who's named, “Sam.” He was always pointing towards her saying, “Uncle Sam needs you.” It would have been more appropriate to see him with both of his hands opened towards her saying those words. She slowly paid those 2, “pen-pals,” but that meant she was broke. The saddest part was since she lived alone, there was nobody around who could, “fix” her. She was so poor that she could- n’t even pay attention. She wanted to have some different kinds of, “bills,” preferably with pictures of former presidents on them, if not Benjamin Franklin, but that wasn’t happening.

While she went out for her morning

Jog one day, because turtles don’t do that too often, she heard a turtle say, “Hay, good-looking. What’s cooking ? Man! Is that my heart or is somebody really pounding on my front door ?”

When she looked back she saw the most gorgeous hunk of turtle God had ever put life into smiling at her. She said, “Who ? Me ? I beg your,”

“Gosh!” interrupted the handsome turtle, “Is that my heart beating or is somebody knocking on my shell ?”

That made Myrtle swoon. Yet then a different sea-turtle approached her and said, “Don’t listen to him, doll. You want to come, ‘Bar-be’ my girl.”

That made her grin since she’d never been hit-on by anybody in her life, let alone 2 bodies of the same species at the same time. That’s when she opened her mouth to speak, but before any words came out, those nutty animals commenced to fighting. It’s rare to witness 2 turtles duking it out. They fought for several seconds while Murtle just watched and grinned like a Cheshire Cat. If her smile had been any bigger it would have split her face open. She sat back and watched those 2 armored animals fighting over her.

While they continued duking it out, which is a sight seldom seen by any- body, an armedillo appeared behind her and said, “Hey, good-looking! What’s, oops ! I can do better than that ! Just give me a minute please !”

When Myrtle turned around she saw an even more handsome turtle there, smiling at her. “Excuse me, sir, are you talking to me ?” she asked since she was already in the swooning mode from the other guys.

“No, I’m talking to that big rock who looks like a turtle. Of course I’m talking to you, you gorgeous hunk of armored creature. Come with me to The Casbar. We can make beautiful music together, my sweet-heart. So, ‘Let Me Call You Sweetheart, I’m in love with you,’ as the song goes.”

Myrtle’s girdle popped when she turned around to see the most hand- some hunk of armor she had ever seen in her life with his front feet ex- tended out towards her in a loving gesture. She left those other 2 turtles fighting it out since it looked like it would be quite a while before either of them won any rounds, that’s especially considering the only, “round” thing about them was their shells. As she went off with the 4th party in their turtle-group, they stopped at the, “Shell Station” again to buy her a new girdle since the one she was wearing had popped. That meant Myrle-The-Turtle had a new girdle to have fun in the, “dirt’-el with.

In fact, they had such a fine time playing with each other that they were soon hitched in holy matrimony which was no phony bologna and had a pony pull their wedding things on their honeymoon, only turtle’s honeymoons last a long time since they don’t need any hotels because their houses come with them. And so, like the best-written stories of all–time will officially finish up with,

‘THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!’

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The end.

By, Cuz Roye.

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