My Soul’s Light

It’s dark by the time we reach the party. Some kind of end of year celebration thing. One of Dylan’s friends told him about it and he basically dragged me here, insisting we just have to come. I still can’t see why it’s such a big deal to him, but I suppose it beats sitting at home bingeing some show.

We arrive to a field near the edge of town. The party, far into the middle of the field, is marked off by wooden poles holding up lanterns and a small stage holding the band that’s playing.

Dylan takes off running as soon as we get out of his car and I have to jog after him if I don’t want to loose him. He stops at the refreshment table, where he practically jumps onto Emmet’s back - the friend who told him about this party. They immediately fall into a conversation about Erica, whoever she is, and I instinctively lean back against the table, tuning them out and scanning the crowd.

Amidst the crowd of dancing bodies, white hair and a black dress - flying as though they are a part of the wind - catches my eye. I feel my heart stop, and can do nothing but watch as the girl finishes her spin and a smile that could rival the beauty of the cosmos graces her face.

My heart starts beating again and I push off the table without a thought, heading straight for her. I’m faintly aware of Dylan and Emmet calling after me, but it’s barely audible in my screaming mind. I have to go to her.

I swear the crowd disappears as I head for her. Somehow, not a single person bumps into me, and my eyes still haven’t left her.

Her skin is warm and damp as I brush my fingers against her arm to get her attention. My heart pounding against my ribs at the contact. She turns to me and I can’t breathe. I have never seen eyes so blue, like getting lost staring into water. Her face feels so familiar. Those eyes, that nose, those full lips… My eyes catch on her lips as they pull up into a beaming smile. As though with a mind of it’s own my hand reaches up, cups her cheek, and my thumb brushes over her lips. A move I could swear I’ve done a thousand times before. To a face I could swear I’ve seen a thousand times. Even though I know I haven’t.

“Did you want to dance with me?” her voice sends a shiver down my body, instead of pulling me out of my stupor, pushing me further into it. I stare at her.

“Yeah,” I answer after I’m not sure how much time. The one word coming out like a breath.

She smiles brighter than the moon, then slides one hand onto my shoulder and the other into my right hand. Her hands are so soft, so warm. Pressure starts to build in my stomach when my other hand slides around her waist and she presses herself closer to me.

We move together in a perfect slow dance. Something I didn’t even know I knew how to do until I was doing it. The song picks up pace as it reaches its climax, I drop my arms under her waist, lift her up and spin her softly.

She let out an absolutely delighted shriek of laughter. Leaning her head back and reaching her arms out, trusting me not to drop her.

“You’ve always loved when I do this,” I say on a laugh, then startle.

I put her down, step back and stare at her with furrowed brows. She’s simply smiling at me. “Yes, it’s always been my favourite part of our dances.”

I stare at her half incredulously half completely lost in her. “How can I remember that about you when I’ve never even met you before?” I ask quietly.

“Aren’t we all a part of someone else’s memories?” she replies with a cheeky smile. Her hands pressing into my biceps as she leans in closer.

When had I grabbed her waist again?

She’s still watching me, that brilliant smile still on her face. And suddenly my thumb is back on her lips, rubbing them softly. Her eyes don’t leave mine, she doesn’t back away, doesn’t take my fingers off her lips. My eyes glue to her mouth in a way I can’t quite explain. I’m leaning in, without a thought and she does the same. My heart hammers in my chest. When our lips brush, electricity shoots through my body, and I’m devouring her as though I’ve been starving for years.

I feel alive in a way I didn’t know was possible. Every nerve in my body is a live wire. This is what it means to truly breathe.

When she finally breaks our kiss I can barely get a breath down, and I’m leaning in for more. She presses her fingers to my lips, stopping me from kissing her again. “I have to go,” she tells me softly, her breathing just as laboured as mine.

“Don’t,” the word is out of my mouth before I even think it.

Her smile turns sad. The pain in her eyes like a bullet through my heart.

“One more dance?” I ask her, practically begging.

“I want to, more than anything, but I can’t.”

She breaks from our hold and walks away. I just watch her at first, cold and unable to move as though my body is in shock. When she reaches the end of the field, I jerk, the thought that I’m about to loose her pushing me forward. Then I’m running after her at the speed of light.

I don’t even realize I’ve crossed the street until I’m standing in a graveyard instead of the field. When I finally catch up to her, she’s kneeling beside a gravestone.

I reach out for her when my eyes are pulled down to the stone she’s running her fingers over, and this time it’s my mind that stops. William Callahan. The headstone has my name on it. That’s my name carved into the stone. With my birthday underneath it, though with the wrong year. And beside it, a date of death from thirty years ago.

What?

When I look back up at her, she’s moved. She is now sitting on top of the gravestone next to mine. I stumble a step back. Ella Callahan. Her gravestone. I don’t know why I know that’s her name, but I do, without a doubt. That’s her name. It has the same date of death as mine.

My heart cleaves itself in half. This is her grave. She’s dead. And beside it is my grave. I died with her.

Somewhere far away two guys are calling my name, but I am lost to my soul being torn in half.

My vision blurs and images flash through my mind. The two of us, meeting for the first time, going out for dinner, going out dancing, kissing, making love, getting married, talking about having children, all the way through to the day we died together in an accident, her hand in mine.

And then I came back.

Tears fill my eyes.

“You haven’t changed a bit,” I say on a breathy, teary laugh.

She smiles at me like I’m all that exists in her world, and then she’s gone.

I came back alone.

I swear I feel my soul crack at the realization. I fall to my knees and sob.

Dylan and Emmet kneel on either side of me, hands on my shoulders, saying comforting words that I can’t hear. They have no idea what’s wrong with me. How can I tell them that I just saw all the light in my universe fade out?