Your Turn

Your Turn

The Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Times devotes this space to our readers. We invite you to send in your thoughts about life in southeastern Florida. These columns are not censored, but may be edited for clarity. Reader David Tarnower offers the following thoughts.

If you’re a single middle-aged heterosexual male you’ve probably been inundated with news about “toxic masculinity,” “the patriarchy,” and other nonsense designed to emasculate us. Having been in the dating pool, successfully, for a number of years, and been through three marriages, I have some advice, and you’d be wise to listen up. Especially if you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while. I call this:

The Real Man’s Guide to Dating

One caveat: Don’t skim this! Read all the way through to the end.

Who is in the pool?

Everyone you meet will be divorced. If you meet someone over thirty-five who has never been married, she’s probably suffering from some form of mental illness. If you don’t want to get stabbed in your sleep, just stay away.

When you’re dating a woman who’s divorced, you need to find out if she dumped her ex or if he dumped her. If she got kicked to the curb, she’ll take all that anger out on you. Especially if you’re the first guy she’s dated since the divorce. If you find yourself in that situation, extricate yourself until she’s cycled through a few relationships. Then she may be ready to be a reasonable companion. If she dumped her husband, be careful. She may have been brainwashed by some pro-feminist nonsense.

History: Yes or No?

Some people feel that everyone should start a relationship with a blank slate. “The past is the past. No need to explore it.” This is a bad idea.

You need to hear all about her past relationships. If she’s had more than three sexual partners, she’s promiscuous and will almost certainly cheat on you.

Talk about how attractive and successful your last girlfriend is. This will keep your new one on her toes and make her up her game.

Feel free to tell her how generous you are with your alimony. Even if you aren’t, it will make you look good and will also put her on alert that you don’t have unlimited funds to spend on her.

If she mentions her ex more than once, she’s either still hung up on him or challenging you to live up to his standard. Either way, get out fast.

Kids—Yours

Your children (until they’re independent) will always be your priority. But hold off on introducing them to your new gal pal until she’s hooked on you. That way, she’ll be less likely to be turned off by their depression, sullen behavior, and ADHD. You’re entitled to have a life, so if they become too much of a pain, just forget to pick them up on some of your weekends. Let their mother straighten them out.. You didn’t want them to begin with.

Kids—Hers

Put off meeting them for as long as possible. You can always stall this by claiming sensitivity to their accepting a new man into their mother’s life.

Try to be “busy with work stuff” on weekends when she has her kids and free when she doesn’t.

No matter how much you want to have sex, don’t push to stay over when she’s got the kids. If you do, it will create a sense of intimacy you don’t want. The sex won’t be good anyway.

Under no circumstances should you go on a family vacation with her kids (or with yours, for that matter).

The Truth

There seems to be little to say about this, as we all know it’s always best to be truthful. However, there are many occasions where being truthful or honest is nothing but cruel.

This does not apply if your new partner should put on a few pounds. Tell her immediately. After all, you’re concerned for her health. If she doesn’t get rid of the pounds, get rid of her.

If she asks if the hostess seating you at a restaurant is attractive, don’t hold back. She needs to know what you find appealing.

There are times when a little lie is fine. If she asks, “Does this make me look fat?” Just lie. The truth will just bring tears, and you won’t have sex for at least two weeks. (But you’ll have dumped her by that time anyway).

Friends—Yours

If your friends liked your ex, and especially if you ended the relationship for reasons they don’t quite get, you might have to ease someone new into the mix. This also means you didn’t do a good job of trashing her when you broke up.

If your friends did not like the person you were seeing (including your wife), anything goes. Anyone you introduce them to will be welcomed with open arms. Except for your single guy friends, who will be pissed if you’re not hanging around with them as much. But you can reassure them that after the courting period, you’ll be back to spending most evenings at the pub.

Friends—Hers

For many women, introducing a new guy to their friends has the same importance, if not more, as introducing him to her parents. At this point in her life, her friend’s opinions matter even more. Therefore, there is an important strategy to deal with her friends that will make their presence in her life totally irrelevant in terms of your relationship. Your approach should be to exhibit as much (fake) enthusiasm for her friends as you can stomach, asking about their lives, and giving the impression of concern for them. Basically, everything short of flirting. They will not trash you, but give you the benefit of the doubt in any concern your girlfriend expresses. In short order, you will be a non-topic of discussion in their circle, which translates to less drama for you.

Gifts

Gifts are one of the social conventions most couples tacitly agree to participate in. Gifts come slathered in meaning…to the woman. There are only two no-nos: appliances and lingerie. Both will be thrown back in your face in a New York minute. Outside of those, it doesn’t matter what the gift is as long as it’s extremely expensive. If she likes it, she can flaunt it to her friends. If it’s not her taste, it still tells her she’s worth a lot and you’ll be forgiven, because…well, you’re a guy.

Sex

This isn’t about will she or won’t she. It’s about when. Try to circle the bases as soon as possible. You don’t want to waste a lot of time and money if she’s a dud in the sack. If that’s the case, get out as soon as you can. You don’t want to be doing remedial sex instruction. On the other hand, if she’s freaky, enjoy it for a while, but be ready to bolt. You know the old saying, “Crazy in bed…crazy in the head”.

Social Media

It goes without saying: close all your social media accounts. The last thing you need is for your new gal to see the post made by that pharmaceutical sales rep in Phoenix.

One last thing: Now that you’ve absorbed these important teachings, you’re ready to go out into the world of middle-aged dating. Remember these lessons and do exactly the opposite of everything you’ve read here.