Rose tinted memories

“What’s for dinner mummy?”

“I’m making a chilli tonight.”

“Oh no, not more mince.” My son then uttered a guttural sound not dissimilar to something his father would mutter when he was despairing.

“Well, I’ll put a bit more chilli in, so you won’t notice.”

“Oh no it might be too spicy then.”

“Seriously, George, I sometimes think you mistake me for a contestant in MasterChef.”

“What’s going on here?” Luckily, Kieron popped his head round the door just as I was envisioning what George’s face would look like with mince dripping off it.

In a slightly patronising tone I uttered “George is just asking me what’s for dinner tonight and I’m about to forget that I’m the adult.”

“George let’s leave mummy to it. Let’s sit by the fire with Johnny. We can watch a bit of Worzel Gummage.”

And then George in his best Worzel voice said “Ooh yes I’ll have a cup of tea and a slice of cake.”

“I’m sure you would.”

“Thanks darling.”

Ping. Ping.

Oh, what’s this. Tom. Tom Morris. Mozza. I’ve not heard from Tom in donkeys’ years.

“Hi Rebbie. I hope all is well with you. It's been a very long time since we were last in touch –

I hope you don't mind this message out of the blue.

The reason I'm writing now is that several of us have been trying to get in touch with Luke and

not having any luck. I last saw him about three years ago in London and we planned to meet up

when I moved to Bristol later that year, but subsequently I couldn't get hold of him. Since then,

a big group of his university friends have tried and failed to contact him. I don't know how

recently you were in touch with him, but I thought it was worth a try. Obviously, we're worried

that something's happened to him - he's dropped off the radar in the past, but nothing quite as

abrupt or prolonged as this. If you do know anything (that you don't mind sharing) I'd be grateful

if you could let me know. And if not, sorry for this long message!

All the best

Tom”

“Tom! It’s lovely to hear from you. Let me see if I can get an answer and I’ll let you know! How’s

all with you? Xx”

“Thanks! All good thanks, now living in Bristol with my wife and two-year-old daughter.

Hope you're thriving!”

I was so pleased for Tom. He was somewhat of an awkward creature socially when we were

Students.

His approach to chatting up girls usually involved a two-pronged attack -

plying them with wine and then a sort of awkward lunge for a

snog. He certainly tried it on me once or twice, but I didn’t mind. He was more like a brother to

me and harmless.

“Oh lovely! How’s Bristol living and how’s your daughter? Is she chatty? All good here thanks,

living in Bude with my better half and our 7-year-old son.

Will try and get a reply from Luke. I do hope he’s ok. We messaged a bit a while back about Chris

v so let me see xx”

The truth was I wasn’t sure how I felt about emailing Luke. Was it a betrayal to my husband and

child to get in touch with an ex?

I hadn’t spoken to Luke since Chris’s virtual wake during lockdown. The conversation with him

had awkward enough and emotions were running high because of Chris. I had been the

first to join the call he’d set up. He didn’t look any different to how I remembered the last time I’d seen him…. probably fifteen years ago at Fi and Paul’s wedding. Ruddy complexion, shoulder length

brown curly hair and brown eyes that pierced you with every look. Every look was loaded with a

judgement. That was the problem. We forgot all of that…we did a few niceties.

He mentioned he had a wife and a cat early on and then asked after my parents. His parents

were still in Bristol. And just as an awkward silence began,

the others joined the call one by one…Chris from Australia, Paul,

John in Australia and Eddie calling in from a very blustery Sheffield where he was

watching his 9-year-old son play rugby. After the boys ribbed Luke that he had set up

the call on skype like a tech dinosaur, Luke led with stories about his best friend,

but no one mentioned what had happened to Chris.

I had only heard from a friend of a friend

that he’d had a heart attack and succumbed to it which I knew wouldn’t be true. He

was always on the edge of a meltdown but he was physically fit and cycled

whenever he could. Unfortunately, I knew there was a darker side to Chris and knew

the truth. After leaving the call, I emailed Luke to say how sorry I was

about Chris and he asked for a mutual friend’s email address. I then went on to wish

him the best as I really did.

Was it strange that I was getting in touch again? After all he was married…surely his

wife and those closer to him could get in touch. What about Chris? Eddie?

Tom then replied further to say

“Thanks Reb. I also found a very sad story about his dad from last year - the family

made a public appeal because he went missing from the family home (it sounded as

if he may have had dementia) and his body was later found in the Avon. So he's had

a rough time.”

“Oh shit I had no idea. Poor Keith. Goodness he was so alert and fit when I knew

him. His poor mum.”

I finished making dinner and added a cube of dark chocolate to take the edge off.

Hopefully by telling George the chilli had chocolate would take the edge off.

Later that evening I sent a quick message to Luke keeping it light.

“Hi Luke, sorry to contact you out of the blue. Mozza sent me a message to ask if

you were ok. He was concerned as he’s been trying to contact you. He also

mentioned about Keith. I’m sorry and hope you are all ok.

Rebs”

Right. Sent. Had I crossed a line? Sending a message to my ex-

boyfriend from college. I just didn’t want anyone to feel they had no one to talk to.

I remembered the night that Luke told he what really happened to his biological Dad,

Roy. We were on

holiday in Siena and full of wine and pizza after a day exploring. Our trip had

become quite an adventure when our B and B hostess had misunderstood my poor It

alian and booked us for one night instead of three but to make up for the mistake ha

d offered us a family apartment. The subject had come up with family a few times an

d they had brushed it over or said ‘Roy died in Stirling’ but Luke then said ‘I’ve never

told anyone this before …about how my Dad died’. To which I had replied

“You can tell me anything”

“My dad killed himself. His father was trying to force him to send us, Sean and I to bo

arding school and my dad was adamant he wasn’t going to go along with his wishes.’

My grandad then went on to say that he was releasing a large amount of money from

his estate to help both of his sons and his family but he would withhold him from my

dad if he didn’t send us to the school of his choice. As a result my parents really stru

ggled. I had said ‘I’m so sorry’ but was really lost for words as I had never encounter

ed anything like this. The idea that someone would kill themselves was beyond me a

nd I just couldn’t comprehend. “I remember seeing my mum sitting on her bed and r

eceiving a phone call and then crying. She then held Sean and I for a very long time.”

‘Oh my goodnsss I’m so sorry.” I then started sobbing. “What did your mum do?”

“My dad’s best friend, Keith was living in Bristol and he invited mum to live

with him. A year later Keith and mum married.” I remember sobbing for the rest of th

evening. I couldn’t understand the pain that Luke felt but also how difficult a subject it

was for his family.

After contacting Luke, I didn’t hear anything so

I contacted various friends including a close friend Fi to explain what had happened.

“I guess even though it wasn’t perfect you went through a lot together.”

Over the following weeks, I contacted a few friends who also hadn’t heard from Luke

but then went on to have some quite vivid dreams

and recollections of our time together including one where both Luke and Kieron were in the dream and I was so relieved to wake up knowing I had Kieron.