There Goes the Neighborhood

There Goes The Neighborhood

By Kirsten S.

“Goddamit,” she heard Reed shout. “There’s another one!”

Zee was gnawing at a shankbone, nibbling the flesh off the bone with delicate bites. She padded to the window where Reed peered through the curtains, continuing to chew on the bone in her fur-covered hands.

Her yellow-gold eyes took in the scene across the street. The tidy two-story white clabbered Colonial house, its mullioned windows winged with its green shutters, the window boxes filled with summer petunias in full bloom, the manicured lawn, the rose lush bushes. It was the classic suburban home that proudly announced “American dream.”

There was a moving truck in the driveway, its back doors open, full of boxes and furniture wrapped in quilted blankets. Men in dark clothing were moving furniture and boxes from the truck into the house at lightning speed.

She watched without expression, while she worked a bit more of the flesh off the bone in her hand. “I love how fast they move,” was all she said.

But Reed was livid. “It’s another fecking vampeer moving into the neighborhood. Our neighborhood!”

“They have the right,” Zee pointed out, keeping her cool while he lost his.

“We were here first!” he ranted. “They can go back to Transylvania or Bumfuckistan or wherever the hell they came from.”

It was obvious who the new homeowners were. The apparent homeowner wore a black suit, white shirt and vest, bow tie, and the ubiquitous black cape with white silk lining. The woman wore a long, slinky black dress, heavy eye makeup and dark red lipstick. When they smiled, light glinted off their exaggerated canine teeth.

“Have you heard,” Zee replied with some sarcasm, “of VLM?”

“Don’t get me started on that Vampire Lives Matter shit,” he snapped.

“Our ancestors came here from somewhere else, too,” she said, trying not to smile.

She knew her words would raise his hackles. Sometimes she couldn’t resist yanking his chain, excuse the expression. She always found it a little amusing when he started on his xenophobic rants.

“We are natural beings! We have existed for thousands and thousands of years. They--they are freaks of nature. Aberrations,” he barked. “Per-VER-shuns!” His lips curled and his teeth bared as he exaggerated the word.

“You think they chose to be Vampires?”

“Yes!” he shouted. “They just need some of that conversion therapy.”

“Reed, you are bat shit crazy,” she teased, her lips curling at one corner.

“Not funny,” he snapped.

She cracked the bone she was chewing at in half and sucked the marrow like a straw. She offered the other half to him, he grabbed it out of her hand, and sucked at it noisily, still scowling out the window.

“You’re as bad as they are,” he said.

“We should go over and introduce ourselves,” she said.

“I’m not cavorting with the enemy.”

“Cavorting?” she said, suppressing a laugh.

“You know what I mean,” he said.

“Vampires are not the enemy. Besides, you know the expression. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” she told him.

“They eat us, you know.”

“And you know there is not one bit of evidence for that,” she said.

“I know a guy who knows a guy who swears it happened to someone he knows,” he said.

She rolled her eyes in disbelief.

“Comb your pelt. We are going over there.” was all she said.

Zee dropped what was left of the bone on the floor, licking at her fur-covered fingers. Then she grabbed Reed by the collar and dragged him towards the door.

Reed dug his heels in and fought her.

“Stop or I’ll use a leash.”

Knowing this would embarrass him in public, he reluctantly relented.

***

The door opening at the house across the street caught the eye of the female vampire. She turned her back to them and motioned to her male companion, exchanging glances.

“Here comes trouble,” the woman said. “I can smell them from here.”

“Liz, you promised,” the man said to her.

“I know, I know. It’s a new era, can’t we all just get along, blah, blah, blah.” she replied with a smirk.

“It could be worse,” the man replied. “They could be trolls.” She wrinkled her nose at the thought.

They turned to greet the neighbors who were now within earshot.

“Hello there, neighbors!” Liz said to Reed and Zee as they approached. Her attitude now doing a complete 180 from the contemptuousness of a moment ago. Her voice was seductive, her accent showing her Thracian roots. She sounded like a cross between Zsa Zsa Gabor and The Count from Sesame Street.

“We thought we’d introduce ourselves. I’m Zee. This is my mate, Reed,” Zee said, smiling warmly and twitching her nose.

Reed however, stood stiffly, eying the new neighbors warily. He lifted his chin and sniffed, hoping his new neighbors would take the hint and know just what he thought of them.

“Enchanted,” Liz drawled, extending her hand daintily, her long painted nails and the large rings on her fingers glistening in the bright summer sunshine. “I’m Liz. This is my husband, Vladimir.”

“Vladimir?” Reed snorted. “Not very original.”

Zee elbowed him in the ribs. “Don’t mind him. He’s always cranky when it’s a full moon.”

Vladimir laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “That’s okay. I get that all the time.” he said. “It means ‘great ruler.’”

“In his own mind,” Liz said, rolling her eyes. They both forced a laugh.

“And you,” he said to Reed, “hardly smell at all!” Vladimir joked.

Reed's ears laid back, his lips curled, and emitted a low growl. He might be a fierce lycanthrope, but he had thin skin under his heavy fur coat. He could dish it out, but he couldn’t take it.

“Shouldn’t you be sparkly?” Reed gibed. He wasn’t going to let it go.

“That’s just in the moo-vies,” Liz explained in her thick accent. “There are many misconceptions about us. VLM has helped, but still the stereotypes die hard,” she sighed.

Zee once again tried to diffuse the tension and changed the subject. “We’ve lived here for 157 years. I’d be happy to recommend the best places to shop, tell you about the schools,” she offered.

“We don’t have any chil-dren,” Liz purred.

Zee suddenly realized her faux pas. “Oh, of course. How careless of me.”

Vladimir’s quick wit saved the moment. “We can’t make them but we can steal them!” He and Liz both snickered at their inside joke.

Reed was not amused. He made no attempt to hide his contempt and distrust for these blood-suckers.

“You joke,” he said sarcastically. “But we all know it’s true.”

Vladimir chuckled. “You really are the Alpha male,” Vladimir told him. He threw his head back and imitated a wolf howling. “Aww-OOH!”

Reed saw red. He lunged at the exsanguinator. “I will tear your throat out!”

In a lightning fast movement, Vladimir hissed, opened his mouth, and two razor sharp canine teeth snapped into view. Reed bared his own massive canine teeth in response. The male machismo posturing was on full display.

The ladies stepped between them to keep them from coming to blows.

“Everyone knows you eat us!” Reed shouted.

“And you eat us!” Vladimir retorted.

“I wouldn’t bother,” Reed replied dryly. “Too much gristle!”

Vladimir reached for a clump of the chest hair spilling out from the neckline of Reed's shirt and twisted hard.

This was the last straw for the werewolf. He lunged at the vampire with a furious growl, yellow teeth bared, claws extended, aiming for the vampire’s throat.

In a flash, the vampire grabbed a hold of the wolf's belt buckle and, with one hand lifted him from the ground. Reed’s feet dangled off the ground and he yipped in pain as the crotch of his jeans dug into his nether regions. Reed lashed out in anger, flailing his arms, and gashed his teeth at the vampire’s face trying to bite him. Vladimir didn’t even flinch.

“Easy there, Fido.” Vladimir said with a snicker.

“You goddamn bloodsucker!” Reed ranted.

Zee watched this in horror. She had had enough and she tried to break them up. “You are in public!” she snapped.

The dueling duo ignored her. With their blood running hot, neither one would concede the fight when their honor was at stake.

Just then, Zee noticed a van approaching on the quiet, tree-lined street. The white paint with red and blue trim identified it as the mail truck. While neither rain nor heat nor gloom of night may keep these couriers from their appointed rounds, mail carriers draw the line at tangling with these unnatural creatures.

The postman couldn’t help but notice this donnybrook and slowed his truck to a crawl. His eyes widened. His jaw dropped at the sight of a vampire/werewolf beat down in broad daylight. They aren’t supposed to be doing that in public, he thought to himself in horror.

Reed and Vladimir noticed the man noticing them and realized what they had done. Decades ago, Vampires and Werewolves made a peace treaty. The Preternatural Beings Code of Ethics was adamant that all grievances must be handled in private, outside the view of humans. The punishments could be severe, including and not limited to, stiff fines, penalties, and worst of all, banishment to some horrible place, like Reseda.

Realizing they had been “outed,” they tried to cover up the public spat by making it look like they were playing. Vladimir smoothed the front of Reed’s shirt. Reed straightened Vladimir’s bow tie. They waved and smiled at the postman in an exaggerated display of public civility.

The mail man, clearly terrified, waved timidly in response. He drove his truck near the curb and didn’t even bother putting the mail in the box. Instead, he flung the mail onto the lawn, envelopes and magazines fluttering on the front lawn, he hit the gas and sped off, tires squealing, flinging gravel behind him.

Zee had enough. She picked up one of the pieces of mail from the lawn, a circular for the local supermarket, rolled into a tube and swatted at her husband like an unhouse-broken puppy.

“Bad boy!” she chastised, through gritted teeth. “When will you get it through your thick skull to stop drawing attention to us? You want to be hunted down and exterminated, like the old days?”

Reed raised arms to protect his head from the blows from the rolled up periodical. He cowered and whimpered like a pup.

Meanwhile, Liz has been watching this with bemused detachment. She examined her nails, occasionally looking skyward as the boy's antics became heated. However, now that their wrangling had been exposed to a human, she knew there was only one recourse.

She arched an eyebrow at the two men and just said, “You know vat you have to do.”

The men looked at each other, sighed, nodded in mutual understanding, then took off running after the mail truck. Vladimir, of course, was faster, but Reed held his own in this curious foot race. Faster than cheetahs chasing a gazelle across an African savanna, they overtook the mail truck. Reed grabbed the rear bumper of the van, dug his heels into the asphalt, and the truck screeched to a stop, its tires burning rubber and producing a thick cloud of black smoke.

Meanwhile, Vladimir was at the door of the van. The look of horror on the postal carrier's face said he knew his fate if he could not escape. He tried to lock the door, but it was too late. The vampire was much too fast for him. Vladimir flung open the door.

“Don’t worry,” the vampire said, smiling sweetly. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Y-you’re not?” the mail man asked, trembling with fear.

“No,” the vampire drawled. He gestured towards the werewolf and said. “He is.”

***

The lazy curl of smoke rose from the barbecue in the backyard of the werewolves’ home. Reed was manning the grill, tongs in his furry paws, a salt shaker in the other, wearing an apron that said Natural Born Griller. Great chunks of bloody red meat of indeterminate origin sizzled over the white hot coals. The sweet, aromatic odor of pulled pork and barbecue sauce scented the air.

In the yard lay a mail carrier’s bag, scattered letters and catalogs littered ground, the pages ruffled by the soft summer breeze.

Vladimir and Liz relaxed at the patio table, dabbing a napkin at the corner of their mouths. Zee was chowing down on a liver, enjoying it with gusto.

“I’m going to have to diet for a week after this,” Zee said laughing.

“That’s the advantage of living off blood. Very low calorie,” Liz replied smiling.

“Helps me keep my girlish figure!” Vladimir joked.

Reed brought his heaping platter of steaming grilled meat to the table and tucked in with relish, making slurping sounds and smacking his lips.

“You know,” Vladimir said, as he watched Reed with amusement ripping chunks of flesh off the bone with his massive yellow teeth. “I think we have a lot more in common than you realize.”

“Like what?” Reed asked. “Moonlight?” snorted at his own joke.

“We all love a good barbecue!” Zee interjected, chirping merrily.

And they all laughed.