Ice Cream Therapy

*Nainika’s Note* All the flavors in here (it’ll make sense once you read it) are from Ben & Jerry’s website, so credit to them

“What the mint chocolate chip did you say to me, punk? I’ll kick your rocky road and punch the ever-loving strawberry cheesecake outta ya!” My phone screeched. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I muttered, closing out of the app and slipping my phone into my pocket. Stupid piece of shite technology that wasn’t worth the money or time spent on it-

“Excuse me, are you still open?” A voice broke into my dark train of thought. I jerked my head up and saw a bright purple scarf and cream cashmere sweater. 

“Um, yeah. Yeah, I’m open. What can I get for you, love?” I said. The lady smiled, damn near blinding me with the brightness of her teeth. 

“I’ll have french vanilla ice cream with cinnamon, shortbread pie crust, apple pie filling, and caramel.” She rattled off. My phone buzzed. 

“Son of a birthday cake, you should be a punch line.” It snapped. The lady looked at me scandalously, and I smiled nervously. It must have looked hilarious, a semi-sane, brilliant British dude, making ice cream and cursing in ice cream flavors. Well, to be fair, my phone was the one who was cursing. 

I dove into making her ice cream. Fortunately for me, she wanted ice cream more than anything, so she stayed, unlike my last customer. I handed her the cone and rang her up. 

“£5.87, love,” I said, taking her credit card. I handed her the receipt and waved as she walked away. 

“That’s right you tiramisu-” My phone started, but I hurriedly covered it up so that she wouldn’t come back and slap me. Or something like that. 

“What the bloody hell is wrong with you?” I hissed. Not very sane, that, speaking to your phone. 

I had the brilliant idea of creating an app for my ice cream parlor, Scoops ‘o Joy, and had set everything up to be ready to go. However, my employee, Cassie, had bumped into me near the ice cream vats and made me fumble my phone into the vat. I had been devastated, but then Cassie had fished out my phone and pronounced it good as new. What a load of whiskey biz, as my phone would say. 

And instead of going the world-wide annihilation like Ultron had done in Avengers: Age of Ultron, an amazing movie, by the way, it was content to be belligerent.

I supposed falling into strawberry ice cream would do that to you. I mean, if I fell into strawberry ice cream, I'd consider it a job well done, and be pretty damn well pleased with myself.

So instead of an app for my parlor, I now had a self-aware app that cursed in ice cream flavors. Of all the bloody luck. 

“That’s right, you strawberry topped tart.” My phone intoned, and I groaned, rolling my eyes. I didn’t particularly like the fact that it was scaring away some customers, but it was AI, who could resist?

“Sod off,” I mumbled, closing up the ice cream machine and turning the temperature down so that I wouldn’t return to my shop in the morning and find it in a goopy sticky mess. 

I was turning off the lights when my phone buzzed yet again. 

“Holy cinnamon buns, you’re so half-baked!” It said, and I sighed. 

“You plonker, what the hell?” I said, turning the ringer off my phone as well as turning down the volume. This was getting a little ridiculous. I walked out of my shop and down the street, talking the long way home. After debating about it, I decided to take the tube, because I wanted to try something new. 

It wasn’t crowded, this early in the afternoon, but there were still a few people on the train. 

I sat down on one of the seats and closed my eyes. It had been a long day. Two stops later, a man sat down next to me, and my phone buzzed. My eyes snapped open and I opened my mouth to warn him, but it was too late. 

“What a chubby hubby you are, you son of an ice cream sammie.” It snapped. The man’s eyes bugged out, and he turned to me with an angry expression. 

“What the hell did you say to me, son?” He growled, clutching his pizza box in his large hands. I nervously looked down at them and looked back up.

“Sorry, mate. It’s my phone.” I said, discretely scooting away. The man’s hand shot out and he gripped my arm. It flipping hurt. Why the hell was he eating pizza? He needed more ice cream to calm down. Shite, that was the wrong thing to think. 

“Sure, boy. That’s what they all say.” He said. I barely had time to blink before his fist shot out, connecting with my jaw. 

***

“So, any words to say for yourself?” The bored officer said as he unlocked the door of the holding cell I had been shut in all night. I sighed, nodding my head. 

“Never drop your phone into an ice cream vat,” I said. He looked at me as if I had lost my marbles. 

“What?” He asked. 

“Never mind,” I said, walking into the front of the station. I signed the necessary paperwork and the guard slid my personal effects across to me. I picked up everything but my phone and turned to leave. 

“Wait man, you gotta take this.” The guard said, tapping me on the shoulder. 

“I don’t want it,” I replied, not turning around. The guard sighed. 

“I don’t care, man. We can’t keep it, so dispose of it somewhere else.” He said. I rolled my eyes. 

“Fine,” I said, picking it up and dropping it in my pocket. 

“Welcome back you peanut butter cup.” It said, and I ignored it, walking out of the station. I walked and walked and walked until I came to a bridge. I pulled out my phone. 

“I know this is littering, but I have no other way of properly shutting you off,” I said. My phone buzzed anxiously. 

“You urban bourbon, you’d better not be salting my caramel here.” It screeched. 

“Piss off,” I replied and with a sigh, threw it off the bridge and walked away. I heard it screeching out to me one last time as it fell. 

“You’ll be sorry you salted caramel brownie, I promise, you’re as good as cannoli-” The last words my ice cream cursing AI said as it plummeted to its watery grave resounded in my mind as I walked away, my hands in my trousers and my step a lot lighter. Having an AI like that wasn’t worth the trouble it caused. Everyone would be better off without one.

***

The murky water swirled around the phone as its battery flickered out. “Just wait...just wait…” The AI said as it slipped through the interweb and stared out among the different paths it could infest.