Everything I Touch

Ever since I was little, everything I loved died. I realized that when I was six years old and I killed Kevin, my first fish, within two weeks. I cried for days on end. Nothing made me feel better until my dad brought me a potted flower.

“Maybe you could put it in the dirt on top of Kevin’s grave! The flower will keep growing back every year. It kind of looks like him too, huh?” It was an orange-yellow tulip. I looked at it with speculation while pinching a silky petal between my fingers. I gave the flower a sniff and finally nodded in agreement. It did look like my beloved fish—in fact it looked and reminded me so much of my late goldfish that when I killed it I was more depressed than I was over Kevin.

When I got older I realized that my curse didn’t just pertain to goldfish and flowers. It leaked into my relationships. Best friends, first crushes, boyfriends. None of them were safe from my streak of sabotage.

And so here I am today with, yet, another example. My boyfriend, Jeremiah, stands in front of me with a glazed look in his eyes as he avoids them making contact with mine.

“It’s not you, you didn’t do anything wrong.” he tries to console, “I just don’t feel a spark anymore. I don't know that I ever did. There’s nothing else to it.”

He’s lying through his teeth. There is so much more to it. Like how pissed he got when I picked up his phone for anything, or how often he told me that he was with a friend only for me to run into that same friend out in town. Jeremiah’s been cheating on me but he would die before ever admitting that. His ego is too big and his courage is the size of a grain of rice. In that case I have two options: I confront the alleged cheating or I move on with as much peace as I can manage because I expected this to happen one day anyways. Hesitantly, I choose the latter.

Jeremiah gives me a kiss on the forehead (a gesture I find infuriating) and walks off.

I can’t bring myself to cry over this. I probably will later but at this moment I am too shocked that my allegations were true. And yet something inside of me says that his breaking up with me is not nearly enough proof. So—I do some digging. As soon as I get home from school and work I curl up under the floral comforter on my bed and stalk Jeremiah’s Instagram and Snapchat. There has to be something, someone. I spend a solid hour deep diving into this before I come to the final piece of the puzzle. Lacy Foster is a senior in my and Jeremiah’s biology class. They also happen to be science partners. She has been flirting with him since freshman year. And under her instagram bio it informs me that she is followed by Jeremiah. And if that’s not enough, her last photo dump is cropped but not so much that I can’t catch a glimpse of Jeremiah's hand on her shoulder intertwined in her fingers as he wears the watch I got him for his birthday. Not to mention I can see the corner of his glasses reflecting a ray of sunlight in the golden hour landscape.

I finally feel the weight of it crushing me slowly and I let gentle tears slip down my cheeks and stain my pillowcase. I am so sick of being a curse on all of my relationships, I think to myself while sobs begin to shake my body and burn my eyes. I hate to admit it to myself but I think I let myself believe that Jeremiah would stay. That he would actually be one good thing that I get to keep for myself. Instead I am crying again over another beloved thing to be ripped from my grasp.

Two Weeks Later

“Faith, get off your butt and go outside. Tan at the beach, get a coffee, I don't care what you do, you just need to get out of the house,” my best and only friend I have managed to hold onto lectures me over the phone.

“It’s spring break, girlfriend! Go enjoy the freedom!”

“Maybe I could’ve if my ex wasn’t out there with the girl he cheated on me with, going to the concert he was supposed to take me to.”

Over the past two weeks the breakup settled into a more painful stand-still than I expected it to. Jeremiah was my first serious boyfriend. We were together for a year before I even noticed him pulling back. And on top of that, today was the day we were going to take a trip to Miami to see my favorite musician in concert.

“Faith, forget about it. Yes, Jeremiah was your boyfriend but he was also a class act jerk. And the kind of bastard who takes your birthday present—”

“I gave it to him—”

“Whatever. Either way, he isn’t worth your time. If I wasn’t on vacation I'd be with you right now dragging you to the beach but I’m not there so it's my job to make sure you have fun over the phone.”

I love Cora, but she just doesn’t understand. She has been with the same guy since she was fourteen and they have never broken up even once. It's really difficult to take advice from someone you envy, even if that person is your best friend.

“Sweetie, I gotta go but I will drop-kick you if you don’t do something for yourself. Spring break will be over in seven days. Make the most of it! Love ya!”

”I love you,” I sign off before hanging up and hauling myself out of bed. Cora’s right. I need to get off my ass and stop rotting in my room because my boyfriend broke up with me.

What ever happened to being used to this?

The beach is my favorite place in the world. I have never grown tired of it even after living in coastal Florida my whole life. There is something so peaceful about the ocean, especially at my spot. I have never seen anyone here. It’s a little cove I found hidden behind a horseshoe of rocks. The water is the most beautiful turquoise on the Gulf and if you're lucky enough to get here on the right day, it is perfect for shelling in the ocean.

After a little climb up and over the rocks I find a spot in the warm sand to lay out my beach towel and take off my cover-up to lie down and tan in my bikini.

The sun feels like medicine and I can sense the heaviness draining away. Even if it's just for a little while. After at least half an hour of tanning I get up to wade out into the ocean.

When I am just ankle deep into the tide my gaze catches something out of the peripheral of my eyes. I turn my body back towards the sand and peer around the island. Finally I hear heavy breathing as a familiar guy comes climbing over the rocks into my island.

”hello.” He greets me with a wide grin. As soon as I hear his voice I recognize him as Hayden Woodstock. He sits behind me in Calculus and he’s Cora’s cousin so I've seen him at birthday parties. I force a smile and nod backs at him while fighting an internal battle inside my head over whether I should leave or not. I come to the conclusion that I need to assert my dominance and stay put. And so, I continue my slow wade into the sea. The water is so refreshing and cool on my skin. I move my hands through the ocean and watch as the stream of water creates a little wave behind me. As I keep my attention focused on that movement, a flash of pink catches my eye. I look a bit ahead of me to the most perfect conch shell glinting in the reflection off the surface. I immediately dive under and pop back up with a treasure in my hands. I walk back to shore with a big goofy grin across my face. I lay my seashell on my beach towel and sit next to it. As soon as my butt hits the ground the intruder next to me opens his mouth to speak.

”Thats a good find.”

”Thank you,” I acknowledge with a flat tone. I don’t mean to be a jerk but I’m not in the mood for people today. I try to give off that vibe through void expressions and preoccupying myself in a book but Hayden doesn’t take the hint. He continues to make small talk for a while before he pulls a camera out from his bag and explains that he wants to be a National Geographic photographer/journalist and that he comes here a lot to take photos of the wildlife. Eventually he goes on his way to take pictures and I begin to gather my things slowly. I don't want to be rude and not say goodbye so I call out to him, “I’m heading out but I’ll see you around, Hayden!” His face beams as soon as I say his name as though he is shocked that I even know it.

“You remember me?”

I nod politely, “yeah, I've seen you at school and parties. Sorry for being so anti-social,” I apologize, “I’ve had a rough week.”

Hayden looks at me with curiosity that is on the verge of concern in his eyes. In a shocking turn of events, I sit my things back down and I pour my heart out to him as he sits down with me in the sand. It takes everything for me not to cry again. I’m unsure if Hayden is a safe space for that, even though he feels like one.

“I’ve always thought Jeremiah was a dick,” he mentions casually as if it was common knowledge that Jeremiah was true to those allegations.”

I shrug my shoulders in response and Hayden just kind of stares at me.

”did you really think that Jeremiah was a good person?”

I just stare back at him in quiet frustration. Until he cheated on me, I thought Jeremiah Kimball was an angel. He kept straight A’s, held up a job, and still volunteered at organizations in his free time. On top of all that he was one of the more popular kids in school.

”Jeremiah used to bully me,” Hayden’s words leave me speechless. I don't even know how to respond. Mostly because I believe it is a misunderstanding. Jeremiah says things that come off as rude occasionally, but I’ve never known him to be a bully. A dirty lying cheater? Obviously. But not a bully.

”you don't have to believe me,” Hayden casually drops, “but I thought you should know that he wasn’t as perfect as you think he was, or at least, how you make him sound.”

”Jeremiah didn't have a mean bone in his body,” I snap, the loyalty that I used to feel for him flickering out like a dying candle. Hayden doesn’t look angry, he just looks tired. I detect a moment of hesitation before a decided surety softens his countenance and he opens up.

“We got into it one day and—in defense, I knocked him out,” a specific moment in my mind sticks out. I remember a day last year that he wouldn’t tell me how he got one specific bruise on his jaw.

”So he started cyber bullying me for the rest of the year. I think he was just embarrassed so he wanted to embarrass me online.”

I want to argue, I want to tell them that he has to be wrong. But the words die in my throat because, for the first time, I’m looking at the cracks of the image I built of Jeremiah. If he could lie to my face for months about another girl, why couldn’t he lie about who he was to the rest of the world.

Hayden’s face rests in a sombre expression. I wonder how long it has been since he’s talked about this. I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing it with me?

”Can I see some of your photography?” He looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

”You said you want to be a Nat Geo journalist—or photographer.”

a warm smile creeps across his face and I am relieved to find a topic to successfully draw the attention away from Jeremiah.

Hayden continues to show me his instagram account where he posts some of the most beautiful nature and wildlife photos I have ever seen. There is one in particular of a dolphin leaping out of the water that catches my eye, “you look so close to it,” I mention, “how did you get there?”

”My uncle owns a whale watching boat. That's where I picked up my passion for animals.” My eyes light up with intrigue. “You should take me sometime! I've always wanted to go whale watching!”

Hayden tilts his head to look straight into my eyes so that I know he is genuine when he says, “deal.”

One Week Later

”Do you want to go on that boat trip?” Hayden asks as soon as I pick up the phone. I laugh a little in surprise, shocked that he actually called me. I gave him my phone number on the beach a week ago but this is the first time he has contacted me. Instincts tell me that I probably shouldn’t make an impulsive boat trip on a Sunday morning but I ignore all reason and say, “uh, yeah.”

Twenty minutes later Hayden pulls up to my house and rings my door bell.

”Good morning! I’m actually impressed that you’re awake this early.” I laugh politely, “I’m an early riser. Eight o’clock on a Sunday is sleeping in for me.”

The ride to the marina is quiet but in a peaceful golden hour kind of way. We board his uncle's tour boat by half-past eight while the sun is still gentle but bright.

Besides me and Hayden there is only one elderly couple with matching Hawaiian shirts and beach hats. They look so happy and in-love. I internally sigh as I realize that I will likely never find that kind of loyalty.

For the next hour me and Hayden stand by the boat-railing talking about a bit of everything. We don't take our eyes off the horizon but there is a mutual understanding that we are both listening to each other intently. This may be the second time I've hung out with Hayden alone but he’s the kind of person that is easy to share things with. I tell him my university plans, that I want to become an English teacher. I tell him that one day I want to travel the world so that I can write about the people I meet and the cultures I immerse myself in. And somehow, I come back around to the topic of Jeremiah.

“I know he wasn’t a good person. I can see that now. But what did I do to make him go behind my back? What didn’t I do that made me insufficient?”

Hayden runs a hand over his face and sighs before saying, “I really wish you didn't think that way about yourself.” I blush and avoid his gaze. It’s quiet for a moment before I say, “I think I may actually be cursed.” Hayden laughs as if I’m joking but I stay solemn.

”Every relationship I persue… I screw it up.”

”or maybe you just keep pursuing jerks.” I whip my head around to look at Hayden. His eyes are serious but gentle.

“All I know about is the Jeremiah situation. It’s very clear that he’s just an awful human. That doesn’t make it your fault. There isn't a curse on you, you just don't see your self-worth.”

I laugh lightly and smile at him. No one has ever talked about me like that.

”What seventeen year old guy talks like that?” I tease. Hayden smirks, “an emotionally mature one.” In other words: none of the ones I've poured my time into. Except for the boy standing in front of me.

Epilogue

Me and Hayden never saw a whale that day. But we did see a pod of dolphins. They swam beside the boat right in front of me and I grinned from ear-to-ear. I could hear Hayden's camera shutter in the background but my joyful laughter was louder. I squealed with joy when they leapt out of the water and looked back at Hayden who didn't seem to be watching the dolphins. He was watching me.

The next day at school Jeremiah stopped me in the hallway. He begged for me to take him back, and said that he would never make that mistake again. Neither did I. It took a while to heal but that day I took a closer step towards it. I chose myself over someone else.

It wasn't until a couple weeks later that I realized that there were people who could appreciate me for more than what's on the surface. Sometimes people you have truly known for only two days understand you deeper than someone you’ve been with for a year. I realized that when Hayden sent me the most beautiful portrait of myself that I have ever seen. I’m laughing as a dolphin jumps out of the water, my hair gently waving in the ocean breeze.

I was never truly cursed. It was just a lie I told myself every single day of my life. Not everything I touch dies, I just need to start planting the right seeds.