A Heavy Sort of Small Talk

The room was heaving. Surprising considering it was just an industry party on a Wednesday night. A few free drinks she thought, an outing for the new dress she had no need to buy and back home via the drive-thru. Perfect midweek night out. She was worried things were getting a bit stale at home on the sofa, tonight would brush off the cobwebs.

Having Connor as a roommate, had brought a joy to her everyday she could never have expected. She was less convinced about her and Seb stepping out in public together, but the three of them had become such a fun little group this last few weeks, she found comfort in being sandwiched between the two of them. It was only a few months ago she’d never felt more alone, and now it was only the bathroom she had any time to herself. And with Seb around so much, not even the shower was guaranteed alone time. She wasn’t sure it was healthy to have comfort blankets in human form, but if she was honest, she couldn’t love her current situation more. She was reluctant to share them with the outside world.

The party was about all she’d expected it to be. They’d got talking to this group of people and that, but despite a bustle of promise, they seemed destined to glide from one dull conversation to the next. Thank god she’d brought these two as her entertainment. She wanted to get them a spot near the bar alone so they could have some fun. She loved how well they got on together.

“Connor!” someone called and the trio made their way towards the beckoning hand. “Nice to see you” the woman said giving Con a kiss on both cheeks. “This is my accountant!” Connor proclaimed excitedly and Seb feigned the most enthusiastic face he could muster and she did the same. Another dreary conversation to muddle through Beth thought. Seb turned to her as he walked towards them and mouthed ‘Oh God’ rolling his eyes and she had to give him the subtlest of whacks on the arm and hide her laugh.

The woman nodded exuberantly at them “Lovely to meet you! Please, let me introduce you to my new friends.” the woman said, gesturing to people in the circle they found themselves in. “This is Penelope and Josh …” the woman went on to introduce others but the ground had fallen out from beneath Beth’s feet and she found herself in a panicked free fall. The new group seemed to acquaint politely with each other but she couldn’t get enough air into her lungs. She hoped she was nodding and smiling but everything had become a blur. She caught his eye and then couldn’t see straight. What was he doing here? How was this happening? Most importantly, how could she escape it.

“What was your name sorry sweetheart?” a woman said coming into Beth’s line of sight. “This is Bethany,” Seb answered after a long pause. Beth caught his concerned eye and she snapped back into the room. “And I’m Sebastian” he finished shaking a hand. “Excuse me a second,” Beth managed and took her leave from the back of the gathered circle.

Neither Connor nor Seb followed as she made her way to the bar, she at least hoped her legs would make it there as her knees felt like jelly. She brushed through the room and ordered a large glass of red wine, standing stock still whilst she tried her best to hold herself together and take steadying breaths. It had been a couple of months since she’d seen him. She would never have expected such a visceral reaction to bumping into him at a party but her body had flooded with adrenaline and the need to get away overtook her.

The barman handed her a glass and she scanned the room for somewhere secluded she could pull herself together before the boys came and found her and they could leave. She noted a door which looked to lead onto a patio. Fresh air suddenly seemed incredibly appealing so she pushed her way through the crowd and slipped out.

Outside she took what felt like her first breath in the chill of the night air. Instantly she felt better, a reset. There was a wall separating the patio from the gardens and she went and took a seat on it. There air was cool but not cold, she wondered why she was the only one who was outside, perhaps it wasn’t late enough yet for the partygoers to need escape.

She was alone with her own thoughts for about 10 minutes before she heard the door she’d come through open. She didn’t have to look up to know it was him. Thankfully she’d regained her senses by the time he’d made his way over to her.

“Penelope eh?” She asked, as he came past and sat on the wall next to her.

“She’s just a colleague.” He rested his forearms on his knees and clasped his hands between them, bent forward.

“Uh huh,” she scoffs, “Just didn’t know that was still your type.” She holds her wine glass in both hands resting on her crossed legs.

“I see one wasn’t enough for you.” “Connor is gay,” she drawls.

“And Sebastian?” he raises an eyebrow. She swigs her drink, buying some time deciding how to answer. “Is keeping my bed warm on these dark nights. Is that what you want to hear?”

“Right,” he tries not to react, “And he’s happy being introduced as your friend?” She had no recollection of how he was introduced.

“It’s not serious. He lives across the road, he comes over when I feel like it. And to be candid Josh, because really it couldn’t be less your business, but I have no interest in another relationship.” He sighed deeply.

“You won’t let me explain. I need a chance to apologise!”

“Do you really think there are any words that would help?” she cuts in.

“You don’t want to know what happened?” he asked and she could feel his gaze on her.

“I SAW what happened Josh. With my own fucking eyes. Or were you too lost in his to notice?” She looked over at him then.

“I know but …” he tried.

“Although if I remember correctly that wasn’t the part of his body that had you most occupied.”

“Beth,” he huffed.

“And I think I do remember,” she continued,“because that image is seared into my cerebral cortex”

“Beth, stop,” he said, upset more than sternly.

“You know what, I won’t. If you want to talk then that means hearing what I have to say too. You can go back inside.” She returned her gaze ahead of her and took another sip of wine.

“I really don’t know how to relay how sorry I am,” he said “I mean, sorry doesn’t even begin to express how I’m feeling.” She shrugs. “Honestly, I’ve NEVER regretted something more than that moment. And all the moments that led me there.”

“Ok,” she says keeping her tone cool.

“I wish there was a way you could get into my head and see just how awful I feel about it all. About hurting you. About ruining everything. I want nothing more to take it all back.”

“Well that’s great Josh. Is that all?” She replied sarcastically.

“I know words a cheap,” he tried again.

“Yours are,” she snapped.

“It started a few weeks before,” he sat up straighter as he began.

“I don’t need to know. It really doesn’t matter now,” she tried to get him to stop.

“I am hearing that, but I need you to know.” He took a deep breath and continued. “He took such a keen interest in our relationship after you’d met, at first I thought it was you he was interested in.” She exhaled a huff but if he noticed he didn’t let on. “I’d talked about you to him before, normal things you tell your friend about your girlfriend. But after the cottage, it really changed things. Nothing had happened before that. All of a sudden he …”

“I really don’t want to hear the ins and outs of how it happened Josh. Literally. I caught you with your hands full, I don’t need the weeks steamy build up.” He continued as if he hadn’t heard her.

“I went to drama school,” he chuckled, “I knew my fair share of gay men. I probably questioned my sexuality more than most because I was so different. I liked feminine things and felt most comfortable around girls and I know they all assumed I was gay. I never tried it mind you, I never really got myself close enough to anyone for the opportunity,” he shrugged. “But I thought about it. There were men I thought were attractive, maybe I thought about them more than a straight person would, but it was women I always came back to. When Chris’s interest in me started to change, its cliche, but I was confused by it. I looked up to him so much. I couldn’t believe it when we got to work together, he’s like a hero y’know? And I know he’s gorgeous and cool and fit and I can’t pretend his attention wasn’t flattering. And the fact he was a man and I’m straight made it a bit, I don’t know, sexy? And all those feelings just got tangled up.” He sighed again. “He kissed me and I pushed him off. It was ridiculous. Then he kissed me a second time and I was so surprised he didn’t get the message the first time. I pulled back but maybe not as sharply. And then when he leaned in the 3rd time I was in disbelief, he was so forceful. I know you don’t want the details but just know that you walked in only a few minutes after that. It all happened so quickly. I was thinking to myself, is this me? Have I been repressing these feelings all along? Did I want him like this? But really I should have been thinking about you. I was so out of my head, it was like an out of body experience. But I’m not trying to make excuses. I did it and I can’t believe I did, because it couldn’t have been more selfish. And then the look on your face when you walked in snapped me back into the real world. It hadn’t been about you, that moment with him, the kiss, any of it, it was about me. But it should have been about you. The look on your face was like a bucket of cold water was thrown at me and I was back in my body. Talk about burned images, your look of shock and horror and earth shattering disappointment is a face I’ll never forget. I don’t know what to say other than that really.” He paused but then continued. “That bucket, well it turned into a tidal wave of regret. Pure regret. To hurt you. The woman I was, AM,” he corrected “so besotted with. A woman that I couldn’t believe was spending any time with me, let alone wanting to be partnered with me.” He put his head in his hands and leaned forward again. “I’ve never messed something up so catastrophically. And I have the nerve to be jealous of Sebastian. I deserve it, I know I deserve to feel that and it’s only a drop in the ocean of what I did to you. But fuck me, I love you so much and what a mess.”

She put her free hand on his back. She had never wanted to see him again, she’d never wanted to explain herself but maybe this was the time to let it all out. She took a steadying breath herself before she began.

“I just wish more than anything it could have been you. I really do. I was so naive to think I knew you, but I really felt like I did. I felt like our souls had forged their own path ahead of us.” She chuckled awkwardly at how honest she was being. “But I thought I’d met ‘the one’. I knew you weren’t perfect, but I thought you were perfect for me. I thought we were perfect together.” She sighed. “You still loving me makes this worse, makes it so much more painful. There’s no clean break, I can’t just walk away without wondering what the other side of those sliding doors could hold for us. And it’s my problem because you don’t get to decide, I leave or I stay. You made your choice with Chris and now the consequences happen to you. I am the hangman, I choose justice or clemency. And GOD do I wish I could forgive you, to be able to move on.” She took her hand back. “But I can’t. I can’t bare the thought of you touching me, wondering if you’re wishing it was him. Or just a different body. You suffering through it, daydreaming of other lawns while I tend ours. The thought of diving back in, and nurturing our relationship while your heart is elsewhere.” She shakes her head as a tear falls free. “Because even if you think you want me now, what if these feelings come up again. What if I get my heartbroken again. Except that time it really will be my own fault. Once bitten,” she scoffs. “So my choice is to break my own heart now, as you’ve already done, and admit it’s over. Or live a life of looking over my own shoulder wondering when it will happen again. And the worst part is,” she wiped a tear from her eye, “It’s not just me and you. You’ve doomed me to questing every partner going forward. How do I trust now? How do I let myself fall for someone else when I know it could end like this. Fucking hell, Josh. You can say it was nothing to do with me, it was just about you and him but there’s every chance you’ve ruined my life.” She stands up and puts her glass on the wall, then wiping her tears with the back of both of her hands. She thinks he might be crying too but she doesn’t stop to check. “If you see me at a party again,” she says shakily, “Just walk straight past. We’re not friends and it turns out actually, I don’t know you.” With a final exhale she finished with, “Have a nice life Josh, you’ve sentenced me to mine.” She walked back into the party.