A Heart Too Big

She stood there staring at her body, wondering why her husband opted for an open casket. Even when she was living, she was self-conscious of her looks. But now in the afterlife, she hated the way the mortician made her unrecognizable – at least, to her.

It’s been a week since her overdose. Even now, Sarah can’t remember if she did it intentionally or not. She just remembered being overjoyed with happiness one minute and then overcome with sadness the next. And now, as she scanned the room, those surrounding her were sharing the same grief – or so she thought.

Her family remained near her casket greeting guests and accepting condolences, while her friends and colleagues spread out in the room sharing her stories and life’s anecdotes. But as she walked through the oblivious crowd, she noticed that not everyone was grieving.

Sobs and laughter filled the room as children ran around unattended. While some friends cracked jokes, others enjoyed the free Costco pinwheels and assorted muffins on the food table. Coffee carafes were refilled and La Croix supply replenished. It all made it seem like less of a wake, and more of a gathering.

Sarah enjoyed this mixture of emotions and energy. It all made her still feel alive. Whether it be seeing her Uncle Tony wipe his mouth with his tie or her nephew picking his nose every chance he got, she was still with them in one way or another. However, the way her Aunt Gloria criticized the outfit her husband picked out for her or the color of her lipstick surprisingly still made her feel embarrassed.

“I can’t believe she’s going to be buried looking like that,” Aunt Gloria whispered.

As Sarah continued to work the room and eavesdrop on conversations, she walked past a few of her colleagues toward the back of the room, speaking in hushed whispers.

“I can’t believe she would do that to her husband.”

“So selfish.”

“She took the easy way out.”

Stunned, Sarah had to remember small snippets of her life just to make sense of their words. Her life consisted of work, marriage, and at some point, motherhood. She and her husband tried but after failed pregnancies she needed the break. She began feeling the inadequacy of carrying and that, perhaps, was a sign that she wasn’t cut out for being a mother.

Although there was no pressure from her husband, society said to while medical technology kept insisting there were still ways. She was surrounded by ‘yes, you still can’ instead of ‘maybe you shouldn’t’. She wanted to give up and accept her fate, but everything around her said not to. Eventually, the want was replaced with the need. And now, she was being judged for both.

“Not only could she not have children. She couldn’t bear living without them.”

Sarah hated knowing this was the reason people thought. She hated knowing that this will be their lasting thought of her. She never talked openly about her miscarriages and never really expressed wanting children so badly. She just assumed that was the natural course of marriage – and life. And perhaps, her body was telling her differently. She knows that now.

She moved onto another group, who refreshingly had more positive energy. Despite her and her husband’s attempts at parenthood, there was one thing for certain that they succeeded in – caring for animals.

“She loved her dogs so much.”

“They were all so blessed to have her in their short lives.”

“They hit the jackpot when she found them.”

Sarah never hesitated in fostering or adopting dogs, and her husband never stopped her. If anything pulled at her heart strings, it was most certainly a dog in need. But even that would eventually take its toll on her. Not from the physical and emotional needs required but from the inevitable loss of a pet.

Whether saying goodbye to a foster and hoping its new family would give it the same level of TLC or holding a pet during its last breath, Sarah’s heart would fill with love and then break with grief all too frequently. A cycle she wasn’t sure if she wanted to continue.

“Her heart was just too big for this world.”

Sarah stood with this group longer than the rest, repeating those words, and remembering laying in bed with a foster dog resting its head on her belly after a miscarriage.

My heart was too big for this world.

In that moment, she looked back towards her casket and found her husband standing there alone – eyes still red, suit wrinkled, wringing his hands. He was staring down at her body, her shell. For a brief second, he swept strands of hair off her face then quickly retreated his hand back presumably realizing that it didn’t matter – anymore.

Sarah walked up and stood beside him as he looked at her body longingly but mostly lovingly. She reached for him but he didn’t react, so she just watched him staring at the woman he once knew and will always know. For a while, he stood there as tears slowly rolled down his cheeks and every now and then would smile gently as happy memories flashed in his head like a projector clicking away.

He then slowly reached into the casket and caressed her folded hands as his thumb lingered over her wedding ring, feeling the inscription of their wedding date. Then he whispered, “I want you to know that I don’t hate you. You exhausted yourself pleasing others. Now just rest. I will always love you.”

Suddenly, her makeup no longer bothered her. She had forgotten about the group judging her motives. Aunt Gloria’s comment about her outfit had faded with the gossip. She could not control what others chose to remember about her. But standing beside her husband, she finally understood that she no longer needed to. She now appreciated that only her husband accepted her for who she really was.

“Her heart was just too big for this world.”

For the first time that evening, Sarah stopped judging the woman in the casket and simply let herself rest beside her.