Count Dracula’s perspective on his age and his early memories

Count Dracula’s perspective on his age and his early memories

The year was 7823. To God’s great surprise and unpredicted even by the most prominent politicians five millennia ago (who forecasted much doom and gloom during the 3rd millennium AD), the Planet Earth was still blue when viewed from deep space. At that time, Dracula, the Eternal, Grand Master of the Undead, and the world’s most famous and infamous vampire, was celebrating his 5672nd birthday. Over 2000 years passed in just 7 days, from the initial fuss to the moment God could make sense of the chaos he had created and bring light to it. Some compared the initial state of matter to a soup, given its boiling conditions and suspected odour. After some time, God turned off the burner, thinking that the soup he had prepared had boiled long enough. He then realized that not only planets with mountains, valleys, and oceans had emerged from the bottom of the pot, which he now called “the Universe," but also, in a blink of a little more than two thousand years, a perfectly masculine, scary creature that often had a human-like appearance had come to life among all those lifeless things. At first, he wanted to call this creation Satan or Devil, but then he changed his mind, preferring a more Wallachian touch to the name and thus named him Dracula. It was soon discovered that this creature was a vampire and a member of the Nobility of the time, more specifically, a Count. The exact chronology of choosing this name and of how this creature arrived there is still somewhat confusing, but there are indications that, before his baptism (the performance of such a purification is still under a BIG question mark, considering the character of this individual), God may have actually read Bram Stoker’s famous tale.

The details of the conception and birth of the fierce predator remain unclear. The act of procreation, including specifics about the couple involved, remains vague (as will be discussed below). In a recent interview with some journalists always on the lookout for scoops in Hell, the villain said he believed the romantic act that brought him into the world happened in a previously obscure part of the Carpathian Mountains called Transylvania. “It is a shadowy land dotted with beautiful blue lakes and waterfalls hidden deep within forests covering majestic mountains. This land peaked in the early decades of the 20th century, when people from around the globe traveled there to meet and bring offerings to me, the most famous local Vampire. I quickly gathered those gifts, setting aside ones that still had traces of blood, like dead chickens and stuffed newts. All other offerings, like chocolate bars, fruits, and vegetables, mysteriously found their way to the main drainage canal crossing Transylvania (well wrapped in waterproof paper). What an exciting experience that was for the local people, young and old alike, seeing the river flood with such goodies at a time when such treats were quite rare in that part of the world”.

The Count provided this description while running his fingers through his thick, black hair shaped like a lion’s mane. During the third sentence, when mentioning “traces of blood, such as dead chickens and stuffed newts,” he nearly imperceptibly licked his lips and even drooled slightly. But only one of the journalists (there were two present), paying close attention to Villan’s facial expressions, noticed this and included it in his memoirs, but did not mention it at the time when the interview was broadcast.

Dracula’s age was a bloody and mysterious matter. Nobody, not even himself, knew exactly how old he was. Even worse, there was no proof of his birth in any documents (aside from speculation about the romantic act involving whoever or whatever may have been his parents). Historians, supporting Dracula’s point of view, suggested that his birth certificate was lost in the watery blood of his favourite species, “Homo Pinkus Non Agilus”.

Nevertheless, it is a well-known fact that he was born. As for the old doctor who assisted at his birth, Dracula could recount with great delight (mixed with a small bead of sorrow) the very moment when, under his babyish bite, the old man had been drained of his last drop of life. Without his birth certificate and with the old man dead before he could record this historic birth, the Count’s age was based only on speculation. Certainly, he had lived a long time, but being no ordinary man, Dracula retained his good memory over the centuries and could recount with crystal-clear precision the events surrounding his life during the most prosperous time in Transylvanian history. However, even if his historical tales were slightly (or even grossly) mistaken, there were no contemporaries alive to verify or deny the truth. This lack of factual verification through life testimonies was not only due to Count’s avid taste for blood, but also because of wars and natural causes of death of those predating or sharing the time of his birth. As for the historians, archaeologists and anthropologists who had previously studied those times, by the 21st century, despite additional ample findings, they were always silenced, as noone cared much about any true facts any longer.

When interviewed, the famous Undead would recount with watery eyes and a trembling mouth how, in exchange for the sweet presents he received, he initially showed great kindness towards members of Homo Pinkus Non-Agilus visitors. This way, he could cover up his intentions to eat (drink) them while cleverly promoting his beloved Transylvania, with its charming scenery, mysterious castles, vampire stories, and frightening werewolves. After long walks through the Carpathian forests, the Count would become extremely hungry. His hunger was so intense that he could easily devour three small ones or one and a half larger ones in a single go. Over time, the larger, plumper ones became scarce, due to a widespread trend for losing weight among members of his favourite species. Consequently, he did not get as much food as he desired from the currently skinny ones in his realm. Bored and hungry, he decided to pursue a career in computer science, hoping for better pay, and began learning various ancient computer languages for the first time. He no longer spent as much time on activities like jumping in and out of his friends’ coffins or rappelling down castle walls, and started seriously considering a career as an AI programmer. This change made him more socially appealing, marking the start of Dracula’s notorious story of romance. But his approach to love as a computer engineer is the subject of another story.