A letter from three cadets

Below is a translated excerpt taken from the files of Lundernius Scouting Academy, an alien school on a planet estimated 40,000 light years away:

Disciplinary Report regarding an Earth escapade:

Educator’s note: This report regards the disgraceful behavior of three cadets as well as an instructor from Lundernius Scouting Academy. We take full accountability for endangering the safety of Lundernius and are deeply apologetic. We also plead with the District to understand that these children are an outlier from our standard environment. As for the wayward instructor, we have terminated his contract with us and installed better guidelines regarding background checks. We do not condone such behaviors, and such an event will not occur again. Thank you.

Letter acquired from the pocket of an implicated cadet:

Dear Professor,

We hope this letter satisfies your craving of Earthling knowledge and our craving of rebellion. On October 30, we landed the aircraft in what is called Oakland, California. The Earthlings, humans they call themselves, separate land into multiple categories. California is a territory that is interconnected in many other territories from the giant piece of land. Oakland is but a small area of this territory. We hope we have explained this satisfactorily- we were also confused. 

When we first landed, it was incredibly dark. You told us they had light from the sun, but we could not find it- you lied, but we shall dismiss it as inaccuracy. Your instructions to use the advanced suits to transform our appearances into humans began to fall apart as there was not a single soul to be found. As no one was out to see us, we began roaming the pathways. We discovered contradictory signs that called the pathways a myriad of different names- ST, RD, LN, BLVD. We have decided to just choose ST as the name for these pathways. 

As we wandered through ST’s, we found homes quite similar to ours. Many had small patches of land too small to produce crops and we laughed for a while at the stupidity. One particular home drew our attention, the porch light (as we were told) was on. We broke the wood defenses and infiltrated the mesh backdoor to find ourselves with a wrinkly human. It confronted us with a mug of dark liquid, but we realized it could not cause much harm. We installed your translator which worked splendidly. The old human asked why we were trick-or-treating so early. When we failed to respond, he (we feel close to this one so we shall refer to him as one of us) began to explain himself. Apparently, there is a specific day that humans reveal their true forms. There are all sorts of humans- fairies, dinosaurs, princesses, and more. This day has a given a name, Halloween, and occurs on October 31st. The old man also mentioned aliens already on Earth. This meant we did not need your suit, but we decided to attempt eliminating the other species.

The wonderful human allowed us to stay in his house for the night (when the sun decides to hide- you did not lie; we were mistaken). We did not understand what we were supposed to do, so we took to writing this letter. Two hours later, we began hearing a rumbling noise, and we rushed to find the source. We found the man unconscious and were sure he had perished, but we opened his eyes and he came back to life. He scolded us, sent us back to bed, and muttered, “Something’s not right”. We wondered if he was referring to us, but obliged and waited for morning (when the sun gets tired of not being found).

The next morning, the man gave us a name, Alex. Unlike in Lundernius, residents here are not named after their planet. He also provided the same dark substance from last night as well as some beige circles in a white liquid (milk). The dark substance was incredibly bitter, but the circles, named Cheerios, in milk were decent. He asked if we were to stay in our costumes all day. Alex confused us a lot, so we did not reply. He shrugged, gave us (money) which is their currency, and sent us out to school.

We wandered the ST’s and kept hearing repeated phrases from adolescents. We have listed the most common: “No social anxiety,” (we have not understood what that term is) “Nice costume” (some humans are nice), “Mommy, what are they doing” followed by “Look away, honey” (both humans were the same age). From these comments, we have concluded that some humans can clone themselves but look nothing alike. We tried calling a human Alex, but it scathingly replied its name was Amelia. Unlike in Lundernius, residents here do not all share the same name. 

We followed these middle-aged humans through their day. It was much easier as they group very easily while the older ones separate. Furthermore, it is easier to gather information from these (they are incredibly loud). After spending an approximation of eight hours with said humans, we have discovered five things:

1. Teenagers (middle-aged humans) contradict other teenagers.

One teenager was seen saying that everyone is the same, but another was reported to have said that everyone is special in their own way.

2. Teenagers contradict themselves.

A teenager stopped loudly laughing just to yell at another to “CHILL OUT.”

3. Teenagers are dangerously violent.

While examining the urinals, a group barged into the room and began banging on the doors. How horrid. They call these restrooms, but not much rest can be acquired when teenagers raise such ruckus.

4. Teenagers value “good” money, clothes, and appearance.

Two of us have reported incidents of crude comments directed towards anyone lacking one or more of these qualities.

5. Teenagers bully those with what they value. (We warned you they were contradictory)

Three of us have reported incidents of ridicule directed towards humans with all three of these qualities.

Finally after torturous school, the awaited Halloween arrived. Small humans and teenagers began filling the ST’s with their true forms. We observed as they went up to a door and knocked. A fully-grown human would answer and reward them with small, colorful pieces of wrapping. They filled small to giant bags with this strange prize. We did not have any bag so we asked a human with a dog for one of the green bags she carried. The rude human laughed at us but provided the bag anyway. 

As Halloween went on, laughter and running feet could soon be heard on every street. Feeling left out, we knocked on a door, and a human answered. It commented on how “realistic” we looked and put three gifts into our plastic bags. Lundernius got greedy and ate six prizes all at once. At first, he began eagerly describing the “bursting happiness the prize rendered” but when he tried to swallow, his face turned purple and he began to suffocate. Horrified, we decided this prize was poison, and we had been tricked instead of treated. 

Soon after we saw a human yell at its kid that candy (the prizes) were poison. We found its behavior appropriate considering how its kid could have died, but many other humans hurried away from it. If they were so bothered, they should have stopped her, but humans are seemingly avoidant. Anyway, we were soon distracted by the sight of another alien stumbling down the block. We quickly assembled our disintegration weapons, but when we had a good chance to take a shot, we were stopped by Lundernius Danger Inhibitors.

We finished this letter in the back of a Lundernius Loading Vehicle. Thanks a lot, Professor.

Resentfully,

Three Two Lundernius Cadets