Li

She was looking out at the sea with her large, amber eyes when I approached her. She looked sad. I didn't ask anything, I just sat down next to her and ran my hand through her long hair.

"The sea is so calm when you are here... like never before," she told me and slid her hand into the pebbles. She picked one up very carefully, looked at it, and asked with heartache: "Are the stones exactly like this where you come from?"

"Yes, there is no difference."

"Yes, there is a difference, you know it better than I do. Is it winter there? Has the snow fallen already?" As she asked this, she kept her sad eyes fixed on the stone resting on her palm.

"If you want, it will snow here too. You just have to tell me, and I will freeze the sea so you can go skating."

"No, I don't want to," she grew even sadder.

"You know, there is this story, it's called 'Peter Pan.' That boy lives in Neverland and he can fly. You are just like Peter, but Peter is always cheerful, while you are sad. Would you like to be able to fly?"

"Have you forgotten already? You told me about Peter when we were little. Don't you remember that we had an island, that we were friends with the mermaids? Don't you remember that once we spent the whole day looking for your shadow?" She looked at me, reading in my eyes that I didn't remember much. She smiled: "What I liked most was that Peter didn't want to grow up. And I didn't want you to grow up."

After she said this, she didn't speak for a long time.

"Do people fly where you live?" she finally asked. The stone she had been staring at, she threw into the sea without emotion. Then she stroked a seagull that had sat down nearby, with the same empty touch.

"No, people cannot fly, they walk on the ground. But you would be able to do it without any machinery. Don't you want to?"

"No, I want to walk on the ground. You don't understand me."

"Unfortunately, I understand you very well, but you know it's impossible? It is beyond my power, I cannot do it!" I said, and bowed my head like someone guilty.

"Lately, you come less often, you are slowly forgetting us. When you are not here, it's so boring, nobody feels like talking. Before, you used to be with us every day. Do you remember those evenings by the fire? You used to tell us your stories, and we listened and lived through you, existed through you. Now, it's as if you are hiding something, you are moving further away."

How could I explain to her that I was trying to forget them, trying not to get lost in them? The last time I was here, it was autumn, a yellow shade had crept into the trees. Before that, it was always spring or summer. I hate the cold, and therefore, I tried not to let winter enter my thoughts. That was the first time I encountered autumn here. The environment was damp and cold. This did not escape anyone's notice. I tried to be cheerful, but my actions were artificial, and you couldn't fool them.

Even now, I didn't know what to say. I preferred not to tell her that coming here didn't bring me joy like before; that I was trying to wrap this place in a fog, but some part of my heart wouldn't let me do it.

I inhaled the sea air deeply and said in a cracked voice: "No, I am not forgetting you, I just have a lot of personal problems, and..."

"Is she beautiful?" she asked and looked at the sea. Her gaze went somewhere far away, beyond the sea and the sky...

"Yes, she is beautiful. She has amber eyes like yours and a beautiful smile. She looks a lot like you—no, not in character, but you have something in common. I don't know what, but there is definitely something shared between you."

"And you won't love me anymore? She will take my place in your heart, and then what will happen to me, what will become of me?"

The sun was setting. I looked at the horizon, the sky glittering in a thousand colors.

"Of course I love you too, but differently. You are a part of my soul, you are mine. But the love I told you about is completely different, how can I explain it?" I lowered my eyes, unable to look at her at this moment.

"I understand you well," she muttered and stood up, straightened her purple dress, and without looking back, walked away along the shore toward the village.

"What should we name her?" I asked, carefully taking a tiny baby wrapped in a purple blanket from the crane's beak.

"You invent names so strangely, I suppose you will think of some strangeness for her too?" Tom smiled at me.

"Yes, I don't want you to have the names that people around me have. But she definitely needs a name."

Julie took the little one from me, held her in her arms, and hummed. I shook my head cheerfully:

"We will simply call her Li, and that's it. Li is beautiful like a flower." I kissed her cheek, she smiled and tried to grab my fingers with her tiny hands. She looked like the sun at that moment, so small and sweet, radiating so much light. "Li, you will be my friend, won't you?" I asked, and she nodded her head.

When I opened my eyes, it was already morning. I was in a hurry to go to school, thinking about how to arrange her life so that she would be cheerful. Yesterday, mother strictly warned me: don't you dare sit alone and think about some nonsense. The teacher was dissatisfied with my lack of contact, saying I didn't make friends with anyone, sitting by myself staring at one point.

But how could I explain to mother that my world needed care, and that we had a new member named Li? My heart told me that if I revealed this, she would take me to Aunt Neli, the doctor. Aunt Neli would cheerfully repeat: "The boy is just fantasizing, he will grow up and it will pass."

But I knew exactly that nothing was wrong with me. I had my own world where everybody loved me. I told them about my lack of attention—to Tom, Julie, Don, Jill, by the fire in the evening. They gave me kind advice: to mix with other children and keep their existence a secret to avoid problems.

I followed their advice. Soon I made friends, though I never forgot them. At night, before I would doze off, I would open the doors of my mind and step into that colorful world—big mountains, a small village, and my friends.

I don't even remember when it all started. At first, Tom appeared. I was reading "Tom Sawyer" then, I must have been about six years old. My Tom was different—about 30 years old, serious, wise. He would sit with me and teach me sense: to eat well, to read a lot, and to be a big boy.

Then Julie appeared too, a name got stuck in my head from a movie. Suddenly I realized what an empty world I had, and in just 10 minutes I created a dark blue sky, huge mountains, and a small village with cozy houses. More members were added later. My village was filling up, where cheerfulness always reigned, and together we would discuss newly finished books.

Once I asked Tom how babies are born. He shrugged: "Go ask your mother." When I asked mother, she told me with a smile that cranes bring them. I was quite charmed by this idea, and that's how Li appeared in our village—the only newborn who didn't appear to me already grown up. Li was mine, my first love...

We loved playing together. Whatever we wished for, we played: built skyscrapers, jumped on colorful cubes, or rode on a lion's back toward the mountain.

Li caught up with me in age faster than a regular child. Once, when I opened the door, she was my age. Tom took me aside and asked: "Is it by your wish that Li is growing up so fast?"

"Yes, I want her to be my age," I said and smiled at Li, who threw her arms around my neck.

"Today I want to go up to the top of that mountain, but it has to be night so that the stars can be seen," she told me.

We were lounging on a green meadow, looking up at the sky. A meteor shower began. I looked at Li and said: "Make as many wishes as you want." Then I plucked one star from the sky and tucked it into Li's hair. "Now you are shining too," I said, pleased.

"You fulfill every wish of mine," Li told me. "You even created a sea for me, but something is still missing... probably the fact that everything here is an illusion, the fruit of your imagination, even me. How good it would be if I lived in your reality and not in your mind."

I looked at her, stunned. These were the first sad notes in her voice. Time was passing, and I was growing up...

"You must remember it well," Tom told me later, looking at Li dancing by the fire. "The wall erected between reality and the unreal is solid. It is not allowed to love her, it is the same as loving yourself. You are losing your perception of reality."

"What should I do? It's getting harder to leave this place," I confessed.

"You must forget us. In the beginning, when you were little, you needed us. We stood by you, we guided you. Now you are already big. It's time to take care of your life independently."

"If I forget you, it means you will just disappear. It means I will lose what I love so much," I said, a tear coming to my eye. But Li was dancing and dancing, spinning and spinning around the fire. Her purple dress glittered and shone in the firelight like the sun, descending from the sky in the form of a woman in my thoughts.

Tom smiled, held me close to his heart, and looked at me for a long, very long time. Until I opened my eyes to the morning.

"Beyond this horizon begins your world—a world wrapped in mystery for me," Li told me. We were sitting by my favorite tree in Tom's yard. "For me, your world has a grey tint. Couldn't it happen that you stay here with us?"

"Li, what's wrong with you?" I asked.

"Nothing," she smiled, "come on, let's go to the sea..."

"Li, I have to go, I have some things to do, let it be another time, okay?"

"Ten. It's the tenth time you told me that you don't have time."

I saw how her amber eyes darkened. She didn't say a word, just continued drawing on the ground with a stick.

Whether Tom's words took effect or life had its way, fantasies disappeared over time and reality took root—so firmly that it no longer gave me time to think. At night, the only thing I wanted was sleep, and I slept so deeply that I dreamed of nothing but darkness. I was running away from them like someone guilty. I didn't want to recall my weaknesses anymore, to be that little child who could walk upside down on the sky, or run endlessly with Li, then lie on the clouds and watch how tiny men dance on a flake of cloud. These were my memories, hidden in the past, memories that never saw the light of day.

It took me a long time to forget them. I blended into the world of pragmatic people and was satisfied with my achievements. And then, one day, I met my future wife. When I saw her, my heart tightened—she had something that reminded me so much of Li. My Li.

I realized the weight of opening the doors of my mind again, but I had to return and see her before she disappeared for good.

Then my child was born. When she took my hand, she was so warm and beautiful... and unconsciously I returned to the past again, because now my child was starting life, while I had to say goodbye to my world for good.

"Julie, where are the others? Where is Tom?" I asked, returning to the village.

Julie smiled at me: "They left. They disappeared. In the end, only I, Tom, and Li remained. You have grown up. It has been a long time since we last saw you."

"I didn't want it to happen this way, I didn't think I would cause you pain."

"We don't feel pain, we experience oblivion. These are different things," Julie told me. "Since you don't come here, it means everything is good in your life. This is good, you are independent from everyone and everything, even from your own creations." She kissed my forehead. "Don't worry."

"Where is Tom?"

"In the yard, under the tree you used to love. It hasn't borne flowers for a long time, but Tom still loves it—it reminds him of you."

I wanted a tear to come to my eye, but no tear appeared. I couldn't understand where my big childhood heart had gone. I realized that it took me years to forget this place, but I couldn't do it completely. No matter how much you grow up, no matter how happy a life you find, there are moments when you want to go back.

Tom was sitting and staring at the ground. He looked at me, smiled, and pointed toward the mountain. On the mountain top, I saw her—a purple dot, standing there and playing with the horizon line.

"You are looking for her," Tom told me. "You still remember her..."

He waved his hand as I walked away. "Goodbye," I whispered, and I didn't look back. I knew that everything was disappearing behind my back—the village, the tree I loved, the blue sky, the sea. Only the mountain stood, and on it, Li.

Li was standing with her back to me.

"Li, I came to tell you..."

"To tell me that you give me permission to leave," she said and looked at me. I loved her gaze. I remembered that day I held her in my arms for the first time.

"You know, I have a child. I wanted to name her Li, but we named her Elene."

"Elene is beautiful," she said and...

"Li, my Li. How I loved you, how I loved you... if only you had been born there, if only you..."

"I was born where I was meant to be born. You created me exactly as you wanted. You didn't know you would inflict so much pain on yourself. Time is guilty of you growing up, and it demanded a sacrifice. And you humans sacrifice dreams, fantasies. You sacrificed us to it."

"Time is guilty, yes, but we cannot punish it for this crime," I smiled.

Li looked at me for a long time before she spoke. Finally, she told me: "I must go, a long journey awaits me ahead. I must walk until I reach the end, and when I am there, I will see you and wave my hand to you. Promise me that you will see me too, and this will be our last meeting." Then she frowned at me and said in a slightly angry voice: "You don't believe me, do you? You don't believe that I will reach the end?"

She didn't wait for an answer, approached me, kissed my cheek, and disappeared. A purple mist remained where she stood, and this mist also scattered gradually—it scattered just like the village behind me, like the grand mountains before me, like the memories in my mind...

Only once, a very, very long time later, when I was already sitting in the armchair and didn't have the strength to stand up, only then did I see her in my room.

"Li, my Li," I thought and tried to stand up, but in vain.

She didn't make a sound. Just as before, she stood in front of me in her purple dress, looking at me with big, serious eyes. Then she smiled at me, waved her hand as a sign of goodbye, and plunged into infinity.