He Doesn’t read the room

-Look, Doc. I’m really not a spy. Do I seem like Austin Powers to you? I’m from New Jersey..-

*Dr. Waller was the third forensic psychologist that has been brought in by INTERPOL, and like her predecessors, she’s been struggling to not be derailed by this voluble prisoner. She’s analyzed tough subjects before; Hacker masterminds, warlords, black market bookkeepers…It was only a matter of time before she would crack this mystery man.*

-I told the last interviewer the same, but then he put me in a cell with bad acoustics. Anyways, I was just scuba diving with my fiancée, on a shipwreck excursion… Hey, would they give us a voucher for a new excursion, preferably on a better visibility day- you think?-

*The psychologist firmly reminded that he’s in INTERPOL custody, and answering her questions concisely was the only way he could redeem his innocence. Meanwhile, the subject drifted off, -looking upwards, counting and silently pondering to the ceiling.*

“The following psychotherapy notes are being recorded in ordnance with joint operation between NCB of Philippines, the US DOJ and PENS. Subject- a English fluent Asian male, in his mid to late twenties- found latching onto a submersible UUV, operated by the syndicate on 10/26/2025. The subject was apprehended by PDEA officers. Now, we will begin our non-coercive interrogations."

“Hello my name is Dr Waller, I am a psychologist from the department of defense...”

- Isn’t it called the ‘War department’ now?-

“..Correct.. Yes. War.. Department. Now I understand you claim to be a US citizen. It's very difficult for us to assess your identity by hearsay. Would you declare a bit more about yourself, starting with your na..”

-Alrighty! My circle often calls me- ‘Dr. Malcolm’- from Jurassic park. I’m more so a fan of Michael Crichton's version of that character -NOT what Spielberg came up with. I hear they’re up to Sequel number 7? That’s just preposterous. -

*Subject is an expert at redirection, averting eye contact, and dictating the course of the conversation, as indicated in previous interrogations. Prisoner shows no signs of agitation or anxiety. He just seems..*

-…That said, I am a fan of Jeff Goldblum. I like all of the characters he has portrayed, except Independence day. That Chaotician is easily the smartest character in the room. Like him- I am a problem solver by trade, always with the most logical solutions for the tone deaf simpletons. I am just being of service, but more often than not- I seem to upset everyone. Whatever that’s all about.-

“I see... Dr Malcolm..Jurassic park. Is that your Alias? You also mentioned ‘being of service’.. Who are you really working for? What is your name?”

-Um, are you .. Upset? Unsure. It suddenly seems like you’re talking louder. Is it the way I’m responding? My fiancée tells me that I lack ‘filter’, and people get rubbed the wrong way. Even my-soon-to-be-mother-in-law drunkenly yelled at me last Easter, that I was an ‘obnoxious cocksucker’( mimicking her Long Island accent). I only implied that her Chowder was salty, and sandy, after she asked. -

“Is your mother in law based off of the east coast of America? New York, perhaps? Is your fiancée working with you?”

-No, I’m self-employed. She was my Dentist a few years ago. She had to quit because of the ‘ADA code of ethics’ - whatever that is. I’m from Somerset county, and her family’s from Suffolk. Traffic towards East Hampton is so terrible for no reason. And somehow, they say -”Jersey drivers are awful”. At least in the garden state, we adhere to the rules of the road, such as- right lane: speed limit, and Left lane: fast. It’s like MadMax thunderdome over there... -

“Look, this will go more quickly if you stop deflecting, and answer truthfully. Who are you, and who do you work for?”

-Ah- ok. This doesn’t seem positive. Sorry! I have been told that I’m terrible at social cues, and never on the same page as everyone else. I try so hard to use ‘I’ and ‘my’ statements, instead of ‘you’ statements, which I think I do a decent job with now. Our current couples counselor suggested it, and I’ve found it relatively helpful. So, now-’ I always mean what I say, and I never say it mean.’ Then again, If one takes facts as ‘mean’- then, aren’t they expecting to be lied to? Is that - ‘politeness’? This is all so oxymoronic.-

“I don’t follow. Are you lying now? Or are you being polite? Is this all a game to you? ..Subject, you are on thin ice here. I urge you to share usable information about you, and your organization, NOW.”

-Um. That’s a lot of ‘You’ statements. Must mean you’re angry. I’m sorry. My other therapist mentioned that I ‘-lack emotions’- Then again, I can laugh... Hahahaha! See? It’s just that what I think is hilarious, others think it’s inappropriate, or condescending. My- soon-to-be-brother-in-law, brewed a Pour-over with a washed Gesha from Columbia before it launched on his online business site. He kept calling the coffee cherries ‘Gei-sha’, so I joked “-so how many memoirs do the Geishas have to write, in order to fill one bag?” -

*Dr. Waller was conflicted. She wanted to conclude this roundabout interrogation, and let the DOJ deal with this motormouth.. Then again, this loquacious subject didn’t radiate any sense of malice. He genuinely seemed to be in his own bubble. Doesn’t really have the profile of a criminal.*

-...So they didn’t get my joke at all, and accused me of being a ‘sexist’ and a ‘racist’, which is so ironic, since I’m a Japanese Korean American. More I thought about it, -the half Japanese guy cannot joke about people in his own half heritage? I began to giggle with tears! I also pointed out that the proper pronunciation is ‘Gesha’ of the Ethiopian region, where the cherries derived from. Besides, why are Japanese Kimono ladies in the Andean regions of Columbia? Now THAT’S funny- HA!!! I couldn’t stop laughing, but everyone else wasn’t. I also helpfully indicated that the brewing temperature was off, and the cup profile was over-extracted, and astringent. Then just like that- I no longer get invited to his coffee tastings. Whatever that’s about-

*The forensic psychologist was completely lost on what her garrulous suspect was recalling so euphorically. She refrained from interjecting, in hopes to better understand the subject’s psychological make-up, mindset, motives..*

-I also have been labeled as -’Socially awkward’- whatever that means.. When my fiancée introduced me to her family one Thanksgiving in Florida, my-soon-to-be father-in-law just stared without saying anything from the start. I was warned by Lilian, to just nod and not open my mouth. “My family- They wouldn’t understand you.”- So, I did just that. -

*FINALLY, a name. Lilian. Florida! Dr. Waller tapped her Pen twice and gazed at the mirrored wall behind him. This was a queue for the agents in the surveillance room next door, to immediately utilize this new information for leads.*

“Excellent. So, Lilian. Family Thanksgiving… Have you two dated for long, before you decided to work together? Is she part of the syndicate?”

-No, I don’t think she was in the Dental Union, but she’s in a Periodontist subreddit group. Anyways, the Thanksgiving feast was excessively seasoned- but I said nothing. I tried my best to not make eye contact, kept my head down, and guzzled lots of bottled water, in between the sawdust-like Turkey bites. I then picked out all of the cranberries from the dry stuffing, and ate all of the Pineapples off the burnt Ham. -

“Subject. I really really need you to comply. Name. Yours. Lilian’s last name. Those first. Then tell me why the in-law’s can’t stand you. Now- please proceed.”

-They’re not technically my in-laws, yet, but I think I could still win them over. I think? Oh, Lilian’s last name is Grady. - Ah, Sorry, I didn’t tell you my name? I’m Jun! Junichi- when my Japanese mother calls me, -and Jun, when my Korean father talks to me. They sound the same, but have two different meanings; In Japanese, my name means ‘Pure’. In Korean, Jun means ‘handsomely talented’. (Slowly leaning closer to the Psychologist, unblinking)-

“Prisoner, I do not condone any disrespect, or harassment from you during this interrogation!”

-I’m so sorry, Doctor. I am still working on that whole ‘eye contact’ and ‘comedic timing’ thing. It’s really like all of these social cues are like coding.. And I am great with formulas and numbers. So.. I’m a bit lost. Am I in trouble?-

*The examiner was surprised to observe that the prisoner was showing genuine remorse. Could it be that he has a condition that makes him socially inept? She decided to further have him share about the recent incident in Coron bay,…. However, the locked door of the interrogation room suddenly swung open, and the agent urgently whispered to the Psychologist.*

“You’ve found her? What?.. she's here??”

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*For the past 56 hours, Lilian has frantically searched for the whereabouts of her fiancé. She feared he was eaten by a shark, abducted by pirates, or both. She relentlessly contacted local authorities, and the embassy.Then the fiancée just learned that Jun was in police custody. Lilian demanded to speak to someone in charge. She paced in the waiting room, Livid.*

-Where the hell is he!? Is he okay?- Is he hurt? I need to see him, NOW!!-

*Lilian didn’t understand how an innocent man, who could have died in a thousand ways, was being treated as some terrorist.. She proceeded to slam the passports, state side drivers licence of both of them, along with a Costco membership card*

-THERE! Now you know who he is and who we are. I’ll have you know- my cousin is a

lawyer! Let me see my Jun, NOW!!-

*Dr.Waller certainly heard the Long island tenacity that Jun mimicked every time he spoke about Lilian or about her family. At least, that part matched the prisoner’s story. However- That’s not enough; The psychologist pressed the fiercely protective fiancée for more details.*

“ I understand your concerns, but please, calmly sit. He has received the utmost care available, and has been cooperating, somewhat.. The reason why I’d like to interview you, is to help confirm his statements, by first briefly describing what he is called amongst his circle? Also, Jun mentioned that he’s a ‘problem solver’. -What ‘problems’ does your fiancé ‘solve’ for a living?”

-A problem solver?! Hahahahah, that’s the thing I love about him. He is so pure!

Oh my god, I’m going to pee laughing!!-

“... Um, Ms Grady? Lilian. Please. If you could answer without digression, it would be extremely helpful for all of us. Now from your reaction, is Jun NOT a ‘problem solver’ then?”

-Fine… He sells and repairs vintage tube amps, out in Edison. He does have a high rating on BBB. It’s a niche market. Oh, and his ‘people’ call him ‘Dr. Malcolm’ from Jurassic Park- but in actuality, Jun is more Mr. Bean and Edward Scissorhands combined. Hey, speaking of- could you believe they STILL make sequels for those Dino-flicks, I mean C’mon, right? They’ve got like 7 now..-

*Dr.Waller had such an urge to roll her eyes. YES-! She had been through this conversation already!.. She’s definitely convinced that Jun and Lilian are- two Peas in a pod.*

“... Great. Now some background about your fiancé would be insightful.”

*Lilian tried her best to not feel prodded, and simply answer the questions wholeheartedly about her trouble prone partner. After all, who better could represent him than her?*

-Jun, or Jun-Bug- as I like to call him- was born in Fort Lee, NJ on February 29. On a leap year. His Mother, Mariko -who nearly died giving birth to him, insisted she waited an extra day, like it was her plan all along. Yup, she is so self-involved, and a habitual downplayer like that. His father is Kyong. They.. Don’t talk much. Jun-Bug was always being pulled in three different directions; By his Mother’s culture, his Father’s, and trying to be a regular American kid. All of the combined social cues, traditions and etiquettes contradicted one another. Poor Jun did his best to navigate, but he always found himself upsetting the elders, the neighbors, classmates, the teachers,.. Someone. You see, on top of the cultural mosh pit he was in, Jun-Bug wasn’t able to recognize people’s facial expressions, and misinterpreted non-verbal social cues. He has a condition. -

“ Ah, has he been diagnosed with Prosopagnosia? “

-Yeah, you know this? Our couples counselor strongly suggested that we seek a Neurologist, who indicated that Jun-Bug suffers from face blindness. It was said that the cause might have been from birth complications. There isn’t a cure. He has been through every sort of therapy, but all we could do is make sure.. Um.. That he doesn’t get into trouble. Christ, this is a whole new level of mess though. I thought he died.. I thought I would..

…Never see him again.-

*Lilian finally put her guard down, and exhaled from the harrowing experience of trying to find her soon-to-be-husband, dead-or-alive. She began to sob uncontrollably. Her sniffle and weep echoed through the cold interview room. Jun was alive! He seemingly stumbled into a bigger mess than usual, but.. He is .. Alive! That’s all that mattered.*

“Ms. Grady. When you have a moment, would you share with me what on earth happened during that excursion?”

*The fiancée sighed loudly. Not out of annoyance, but because she regularly has to explain Jun’s condition to judgemental family members, to her friends, to neighbors, to the Bowling league…. Even to that jerk Upstate trooper that took Jun-Bug’s inquiries about the tightness of the patrol uniform so goddamn personally. It just gets overwhelming at times to be the damage controller for the man she loves.. Only she knows that he means no harm.*

-We both got certified to dive, since Jun loves being in the ocean. It’s very calming for him. He used to be a patient of mine, and he was so transfixed by the tropical fish in the waiting room. The problem was, I needed him to comply with my commands for the Bitewing X-ray.. Jun was nerding out over the spotted puffer fish in the tank. It aggravated me at first, but his pure unadulterated emotions, without all the mixed signals, hidden agendas, passive aggressiveness- He doesn’t have a mean bone in him. He truly is a diamond in the rough.-

“... Intriguing, so your passion for marine life led you to the most recent excursion incident?’

-Pre-dive, Jun was over excited and was basically like the Donkey in Shrek; He would talk too loud, be too close, and constantly interject during briefings. He would touch other divers' equipment without asking. Even in the water, he excitedly ventured into unknown areas on his own... When we saw the rare thresher shark, everyone was trying to take photos, but his butt got in everyone’s way. We were supposed to go from the front of the shipwreck, but he went to the rudder side instead. It was so hard to keep up with him. God I tried! Then, from the corner of my eye, I saw him yanked by something large, and fast. It took him away towards the surface! I feared it was a Tiger, or a friggn’ Great White! I thought he was going to be eaten, or get bends from rocketing up that fast. Before I could get help, Jun-Bug was ..

Gone..-

“ That must have been a terrifying experience, Ms. Grady. I’m so sorry you both had to experience it. Now- About that vessel that Mr. Park was found with; It was a submersible drone that was being used to smuggle illegal paraphernalia. When it surfaced, the PDEA intercepted it before it went further west. They found Mr. Park unconscious, and his vest hooked to the Satellite Antennae of the UUV. That is why he has been under our supervision, until we’re satisfied that he is not involved with the Syndicate.”

-June-Bug? A Kingpin? You can’t be serious. He struggles just trying to swallow Vitamins each morning. Doc, You’ve got the wrong guy! He can’t kill a fly.. He won’t squash creepy-ass spiders in our house, because ‘-They’re paying their rent by catching Mosquitos-’. No! He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time, because he missed all of the red flags! It was not his intention.

-It never is. -

*Being in a tumultuous marriage herself, Dr. Waller empathized with Lilian. She certainly believed both of them at a personal level now, but Jun’s fate wasn’t completely up to the psychologist. After concluding her work, Dr. Waller decided to ask her colleagues to briefly allow Lilian to be reacquainted with her fiancé.

After a pause that felt like days, INTERPOL, agreed.*

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*Lilian’s heart pounded in anticipation to have her Jun-Bug, back in her arms.. Then, finally- the interview room door creaked… A familiar face, in handcuffs, Jun strolled in, but he gazed upwards and was deep in arithmetical calculations.

The two ladies were puzzled; No ‘Hello’.. No ‘Oh, I missed you too’.. Or ‘I’m so sorry for making you worry’.. Lilian, finally scolded her fiancé.*

-Hey, ya Momo! What the hell are you looking up for?

You got a nosebleed!?-

*The incognizant prisoner eventually concluded counting to the sky. Then, with a grin ear to ear- excitedly stated about his findings..*

-Wow, babe! The perforated holes in the other room had 631 per ceiling tile. This one has 645! No wonder the acoustics and sound absorption was so good. Even when Doc yelled, the sound didn't bounce everywhere… Here? The acoustic isn’t as great. The whole floor must have heard you just now, see?-

*Lilian couldn’t contain herself anymore, and embraced Jun-Bug, then whispered in his ear;

-NOT another word. Read the room. Ya fool.-