Freya

Fantasy

Written in response to: "Write about a family attempting to hide their secrets from someone new." as part of Out on the Moor.

"Freya! Freya, where are you going?" My older sister, Heaven called out as she chased after me. We were next to some very large bushes and once you went through them, you'd be in one of the human villages.

It was the middle of the night when I was sneaking out to it, I thought that she was a heavy sleeper. Why was she even awake? Did I make some noises when I was getting up to leave earlier?

"I'm...just going for a walk Heaven. Maybe you should just go back to sleep or something?" I suggested with a nervous smile. Maybe she would buy this, like I said, it's around midnight she's probably really tired.

My sister just seemed to stare at me in silence before she yawned with her tail twitching a bit, she then headed back to where our parent's were. Good. Maybe in the morning, she would think this was all a dream.

I made sure that no one else was around or watching me, then once that was done, I went through the bushes. It was great to be back here, I hadn't visited in over a month.

I ran over to a decently sized house and began to scratch on the front door. It had been over a month, would they all even remember me? I wonder if they've even missed me or not during that time.

Then there was the waiting. It wasn't just for today, almost every time I would visit, I was always waiting. Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for over thirty minutes, sometimes for long hours.

Though they always let me in. They never really rejected me and left me out here, they've always let me inside with them, even on the first day. They never really knew me back then I was just a little random Fox.

"Hey, I think it's her!" I heard a female voice say from the other side of the door. Yes! It looks like some of them were there, good thing they didn't move or anything. I wonder how that would go if it was someone else..

I back up and watch as the door swings open, out comes two kids, a boy and a girl. Brother and Sister. I don't know the kid's names though, I was never able to learn them.

The sister smiled and then picked me up, she really liked me. Ever since I first came here actually. "Come on, why don't we go and make her some food? We have plenty" she told her older brother.

The brother took hold of me and as we all got inside the house, he set me on the soft carpet. They seemed excited. They were waiting for something. "Is she gonna do it?" I heard the sister say.

Oh, right! A orange aura began to surround me and they watched as I began to transform. Once I turned into my human version I could hear the sister say, "That's still so amazing!" then giggle.

"So Freya, what do you want to eat this time? we have all the food that you seem to like from the past visits." the brother asked me. I must have been visiting the two of them a lot, though I don't know how much.

"Do ya got any tuna?"

"Yep of course we do, hold on i'll go get you some."

The brother and the sister then walked away through a door that must lead into the kitchen. They left me alone in the living room. It was really big, even when I was a human.

Apparently, I was the only one in my family to be able to do this. Mother had told me that it must have started a long time ago with someone else, though we don't know who. We haven't really looked too far into the whole thing.

Though when me and my sister were much younger, I remember using this strange power to go and do fun things. Heaven had once suggested to go and find some interesting food and bring it back. I did, it was great.

Though somehow, Heaven and the rest of my family don't know about any of this. Though it was a close call earlier when Heaven saw me a bit ago. How would I explain any of this? She wouldn't understand.

The brother and sister are like my family- my OTHER family at least, I'm not sure if they'd like this or not. The least they could probably do though is just tell me "Stop seeing them, don't you know what could happen?"

There was a loud bang at the door.

There was a little hole thing (I never learned the name of it, we don't have any, Mother never told me) on the door, so I looked through it. Oh no.

Mother always told me about these kinds of people. They would go after things, Things like me. That man was probably going to try and kill me! "What's going on in here??" I then hear the sister say.

She and her brother seemed to catch on quickly actually, I've told them about the people before. Wait, why haven't I even asked them they're names??

The man bursts through the door and walks over to the three of us, He seems angry and tired. "Uh...what could we help you with sir?" the sister asked the man. I'm so gonna die. I lived a short but good life I guess.

Wait- no! This isn't going to end like this, I'm not going to die today. I wanna die somewhere in the distant future. "I know you have the creature with you...hand it to me!" The man pointed at me.

"What? Come on dude, what creature do you mean? It's just my sister and her friend Freya." The brother insisted with a small innocent smile. Suddenly, while I looked around, I realized that the sister was nowhere to be seen.

The man began to approach me while he pushed the brother to the side of the room. That's when I saw the sister starting to come up behind him, she had a large frying pan.

Luckily, before he could get to me, the sister hit the man hard in the back of the head with the frying pan. We watched as he collapsed onto the ground with a few weapons. Was he planning on hurting me??

"Uh...thanks for saving me...but we just knocked a dude out. What do we even do with him?" I then spoke to the sister. Did we just need to keep him here for a while? do we take him back to his place, wherever that was?

The sister stared at her brother as he stared back for a few seconds, then we were all just staring at each other in silence. This had never even happened before, what WOULD you do when this happens? "I...have no idea."

This probably wasn't a good story, though let's see what you all think about it ^^ this story was also for "Fox Creeper"

Posted Oct 21, 2020
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84 likes 102 comments

Rayhan Hidayat
October 22, 2020 19:49

Hey B.W., this was an awesome read!

Here’s the things that I liked:
>The premise of a shapeshifting fox begging for food from humans. It’s cute.
>The naivete of the narrator, such as when she doesn’t know the term for what apparently is a keyhole. It makes sense.
>The fact that you dedicated this to a friend. That’s sweet of you ☺️

And here’s the things that in my humble opinion could be improved:
>Concision. Whenever you can, get the idea across with as little words as possible. For example:

“made sure that no one else was around or watching me” could be condensed to “made sure I was alone.” It reads a lot smoother, wouldn’t you say? 😉

>Abundance of question marks at the end of sentences. One is enough—I get that you want to increase urgency, but it’s much more professional this way!
>Repetition. I believe you mention “I hadn't visited in over a month” more than once; again, once is plenty, and helps trim down on the word count!

All this is just my two cents, of course 😉 Loved your story. Keep trucking on! 😙

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 19:53

well actually it's not a keyhole, i honestly forgot the name of the thing but its the little glass thing on some doors you can look through, sometimes they're at hotels. Though she still doesn't know what that and a few other things are. Yep, I'm also going to be making some other stories for more friends ^^ maybe you'll be one to have a story as well at some point. Though i'm glad you liked it ^^ i hope you'll check out more of my stories, if ya do remember to leave feedback as well :)

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Rayhan Hidayat
October 22, 2020 20:03

Oh haha my bad. I believe “peephole” is the word you’re looking for 😉 Oh and I’d be very flattered if I got a story dedicated to me!

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 20:05

Yeah, that's the word ^^ i didn't wanna look it up because i didn't know what to even ask at the time and it would make sense that she didn't know what it was, so i just went with it. How would ya want your character to act whenever i do give ya a story?

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Rayhan Hidayat
October 22, 2020 20:10

Oh please make me the bad guy. I don’t care what my personality is, just make me eat Pasta Puttanesca at some point in the story. And feel free to look through my bio for inspiration haha

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 20:21

I could do that ^^

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Dalyane Deblois
October 21, 2020 16:19

Another great story Blair! You always have new ideas, so much imagination! Good job!:)

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 16:21

Oh, thanks ^^ I kinda made this at like 11 at night or something so i thought it wouldn't be that great or something. You could still just call me B as well, remember this is just a Halloween name and i'm changing it soon ^^

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Dalyane Deblois
October 21, 2020 17:07

Great B!:) Yeah, when inspiration strikes it isn't always at the best moment! Just wrote a story as well this morning... during my classes. I just had to right it before my idea faded! You managed it very well although it was late at night!

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Nayab Ahmar
October 23, 2020 03:53

Hey B!!
Hope you've been well! Dropped by to see how you're doing and read a story!
This is a great story btw, I really liked it!! Creative as always!

P.S my other article just got published, I posted the link in my bio :))

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 03:54

I still miss ya, will you ever be on a lot again? Your just on here for like a day or even smaller and then your gone for a long time. Though thanks, i'm glad you at least liked the story ^^

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Nayab Ahmar
October 23, 2020 03:58

I miss u too :((
Yeahhh I go a lot but its cuz uni is super tough, I'm always swamped with work, esp rn I hv midterm exams coming up. But I'll be more active once uni finishes.
And no prob hehe :))

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 03:59

well when does Uni finish?

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Nayab Ahmar
October 23, 2020 04:01

early next year oof

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 04:02

dang it

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Felicity Anne
October 21, 2020 19:40

Wow, Blair! You are such a talented writer! Wonderful job! There were a few grammatical errors I saw that I'd thought I'd let you know about:

I'm...just going for a walk Heaven. - add a comma after 'walk'

My sister just seemed to stare at me in silence before she yawned with her tail twitching a bit, she then headed back to where our parent's were. - change 'parent's' to 'parents'

I back up and watch as the door swings open, out comes two kids, a boy and a girl. - add a comma after 'boy'

A orange aura began to surround me and they watched as I began to transform. - replace 'A' with 'An'

Yep of course we do, hold on i'll go get you some. - capitalize I'll

It was really big, even when I was a human. - remove the 'a' between 'was' and 'human'

Though when me and my sister were much younger, I remember using this strange power to go and do fun things. - change 'me' to 'I'

Wait, why haven't I even asked them they're names?? - change 'they're' to 'their'

The man bursts through the door and walks over to the three of us, He seems angry and tired. - change 'He' to 'he'

I'm not telling you these things to hurt your feelings or discourage you, I'm just trying to help you become a better writer. ;) And don't worry, I make these mistakes all the time in my writing!

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 19:46

I'll try to fix all of this real soon, you think i'm a talented writer? and thanks, i'm glad you liked the story ^^

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Felicity Anne
October 21, 2020 19:49

Okay! And yes, of course! And I love your rating systems for stories, I've seen that you've read stories all over the place! I think it's really nice that you like to help other writers out. ;) Happy writing!
- Felicity

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 19:59

Thanks ^^

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Aafia Hanya
October 21, 2020 17:43

lol.... ingenious..... nice story, amazing plot.

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 17:48

thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^

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C.j 🤍
October 21, 2020 16:17

I loved this story!!!!!!!!!!!!good job !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼😊
I liked how freya’s friend knocked out the dude with a frying pan!

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 16:21

Thank's, i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it when her friend knocked him out with the frying pan?

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C.j 🤍
October 21, 2020 16:22

The frying pan. And honestly I loved it all !

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C.j 🤍
October 21, 2020 16:28

Remember your story ( reunion,no thanks) are you going to do part 2 ?

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C.j 🤍
October 21, 2020 18:00

Hiya ^^

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C.j 🤍
October 21, 2020 19:10

What is writers block,and why do you get it ?

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Orenda .
October 21, 2020 13:12

aye, this story was awesome! Not kidding! You've got a super good plot in hand and it's intriguing.
I got some mistakes you can edit real quick.

~"then" is superfluous, so I'd suggest not using it frequently. Use it only when it's very necessary. We know something's happening after something, like a consecutive scene, so don't use it then, lol. (I hope this is making sense lmao)

~i noticed you have some areas where you haven't capitalised the first letter after a punctuation mark ("?" mainly)

~you missed out on some punctuation marks as well. It'll be all perfect after you go through the story once again.
I have nothing to say for the plot since it's pretty strong, so yeah, GREAT JOB!

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 14:21

I'm not even sure if it's like this in general because a lot of my stories are like this or because i wrote it at like 10 at night. Though i'll still go and try to fix all the stuff real soon ^^

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Orenda .
October 21, 2020 14:43

yupp, they're reallyy minor errors.

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 14:50

did you possibly have a favorite part though?

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Orenda .
October 21, 2020 14:54

umm, not really

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December 14, 2020 16:58

Our first story is out!

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B. W.
December 14, 2020 18:28

ll look at it later.

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December 16, 2020 22:37

Ok

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Maria Blackman
October 29, 2020 04:41

Hi Blair, I got an email from Reedsy suggesting that we'd be a good match for a critique circle. I haven't been submitting stories here for very long (I have done only two so far!) so this is all new to me. If you'd like me to critique your story, let me know. Or you can have a read of mine.

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B. W.
October 29, 2020 04:43

You can just call me B, Blair Witch is a Halloween name and ill change it to my regular thing real soon ^^ I don't see why not though, you could go check out some of my stories and do critique and then soon ill do the same for you ^^

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October 26, 2020 20:58

I love all the celestial/divine references!

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B. W.
October 26, 2020 21:01

thanks :)

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October 24, 2020 22:13

Hi!! It was a very cute story I must say and a clever twist to the prompt about two family hiding their secrets (+ plus freya from her family).

Though there are a few grammatical errors (nothing that can be fixed) but it is understandable considering you wrote it late at night.

Great job!

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 22:19

Thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it the twist thing?

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October 24, 2020 22:24

Well, the ending where the three of them share the "what now" moment was definitely my fav!

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 22:26

could ya check out some of my other stories and still leave some feedback?

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Claire Lindsey
October 24, 2020 17:36

Hi B! This story is so creative and entertaining! You have a real talent for taking imaginative spins on the prompts, and I'm really enjoying seeing what you come up with.

My favorite thing about this story is how you created the idea of the narrator having two families, so we were left to wonder which family would be "hiding secrets." It added a lot of tension and intrigue to your story!

I'm seeing a few people comment saying this story could use a bit more description and scene setting. One trick I like to use for this is to imagine that I'm the narrator and try to think about what I'm seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, & tasting throughout the story. You're such an imaginative writer and your stories are wonderful! I think adding a bit more detail, even just sprinkling in a few sentences to help your readers put themselves in the world with you will make your stories even more amazing than they already are.

I'm so excited to read more of your work! Keep writing and trying new things, you'll only get better with time! 😊

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 17:51

I have NO idea on how to be descriptive though, I've tried to be but i sucked at it. I asked Charles for advice at some point but the way he did it, i won't be able to do it like that either :/

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Claire Lindsey
October 24, 2020 18:21

Hi B, never say never! I used to suck at it too (and a lot of times I still do) but the more you try and practice the better you get! You don't have to try anything in your stories until you're comfortable, but maybe you could try picking one object a day (simple things like a mug or a pen) and just writing a sentence or two about what they look like or feel like. Don't worry about if it's good writing or not--it's just practice and nobody has to see it!
Personally, I'm not super great at characterization and that's something I'm working on, but I've found that doing little writing exercises outside of stories helps a lot to experiment with different ideas and ways to say things. Start small and don't worry about working it into your stories until you have something you like. A lot of times doing little writing exercises can end up sparking ideas for new stories!
I'm absolutely not saying that your stories are lacking without it, you're a wonderful writer! We all have places to grow and learn and that's where this community is so helpful. None of us are perfect writers and that's totally okay, that means we always have something to strive towards!

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 18:24

I'm actually working on a new story at the moment

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Claire Lindsey
October 24, 2020 21:21

That's great! Looking forward to reading it 😊

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 21:25

its out ^^ check out "A strange night" and leave some feedback

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Echo Sundar
October 24, 2020 17:27

This story is really great! I loved the ending, it was hilarious!

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 17:29

thanks i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it the ending?

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Echo Sundar
October 24, 2020 17:33

All of it was amazing and very short and sweet story but I loved the ending the best, frying pans make the best weapons

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 17:49

:)

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October 24, 2020 03:58

Ooh! another awesome story. I like the idea behind it. One thing though, maybe you could try to add some more descriptions and adjectives in your next story, that would really take it to the next level.

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 04:02

thanks, i'm glad you liked the story ^^ i know i still have to try and work with this stuff, i'll get better with it i hope. did ya have a favorite part?

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Yolanda Wu
October 23, 2020 22:15

Wonderful story, B! I was engrossed the entire time. It was great to see the interactions between Freya and her second family. I thought this story flowed really well too, and I love the bit at the end where the siblings protect Freya from being hurt by the man, that was really sweet. Amazing work! Also, I love the Halloween themed name!

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 22:19

Thanks, i'm glad you liked the story and my halloween name ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it the part of the siblings protecting her?

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Yolanda Wu
October 23, 2020 22:21

Yeah I would say the siblings protecting her was my favourite part. :)

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 22:29

alright ^^

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Itay Frenkel
October 23, 2020 21:47

The story is great, but I think you could work on flow and language. Just a few places where adding a coma would make a sentence easier to read, or using descriptive words, similes and metaphors. You manage to come up with such interesting names time after time, I don't know how you do it!

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 22:02

I dunno how I get these interesting names either, It just kinda happens i guess :/ I REALLY don't know how to be descriptive though, and whenever i at least try to be it just kinda sucks. would you maybe want a part 2 or something?

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Itay Frenkel
October 23, 2020 22:56

Sure, if you get a good idea for it I'd love to see part 2.

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 22:58

Alright, i could probably do it ^^

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C.j 🤍
October 22, 2020 16:02

How are you ?

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 16:06

I'm good ^^

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C.j 🤍
October 22, 2020 16:08

Are you going to make Freya part 2 so i know what happens

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 16:18

yeah

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C.j 🤍
October 22, 2020 16:23

Yay !!!

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 16:28

it'll probably take a while though

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Charles Stucker
October 22, 2020 05:04

You seem to have become pretty good at setting up tension in a story. Now let's try to add the next step- using all five senses. Sight and sound are straightforward. What do you see and hear. See- buildings, shrubs, door, people. Hear- dialogue.
Smell- foxes have better senses of smell than people. You should play this up. Name half a dozen things that have a strong aroma. Have the fox comment on those with his internal dialogue. Then name something with no discernible scent and have the fox say something like, "There it was, the oily smell of metal things. The one the moving boxes have, but different."
Touch- may not need this too much here, but it could be hot or cold and the fox would notice.
Just practice thinking about this. I don't always include scent or the whole range of senses, but I tend to put them in while rewriting. Just do the same.

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 15:03

well alright, i could do that ^^

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Raymond Kelly
October 21, 2020 19:47

I like the imagination of the story! The transformative power being covered up is a good plot. I would have liked better exploration of the relationship between the main character and their animal family, but the final confrontation is good, and creates something you could build off of. God job!

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 19:59

Thanks, i'm glad that you liked it ^^

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C.j 🤍
November 18, 2020 01:18

Could you please try to do a part 2

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B. W.
November 18, 2020 01:24

i dont really have any ideas for it

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C.j 🤍
November 18, 2020 01:26

Ok....

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B. W.
November 18, 2020 01:27

what would you want to happen?

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C.j 🤍
November 09, 2020 21:09

ya gonna do a part 2 ?

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B. W.
November 09, 2020 21:09

I'm not sure, i havent even thought of a good prompt

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C.j 🤍
November 09, 2020 21:10

ok..

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B. W.
November 09, 2020 21:12

what do ya even want to happen in the next part?

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C.j 🤍
November 20, 2020 03:49

Hi

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B. W.
November 20, 2020 04:29

hiya, how are you

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C.j 🤍
November 20, 2020 17:51

Good you

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B. W.
November 20, 2020 17:55

i guess im good

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C.j 🤍
November 20, 2020 19:52

The downvoter has been here....

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B. W.
November 20, 2020 19:56

they have?

Reply

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