Gromble's Pet Palace

Gromble sat behind the counter dejected. Business had been abysmal. Everyone had warned him no one would buy a pet from a demon, but he liked to believe that folks would see past his hideous face and the three horns on his head. So far, everyone else had been right.

He surveyed the new stock and shuddered. How could anyone think those things were cute with their pasty, mostly hairless skin? And the godawful noise! Personally Gromble like them better voiceless, but he couldn’t singe or rip out the vocal cords like they used to. Those “Human Rights Groups” may be great for the critters, but they were making life for everyone else a real pain in the rump. He used a muting spell instead, because every once in a while someone actually wanted to hear the things squawk. 

The mall was dead silent today. Gromble sighed and thought about the extra mouths he had to feed at home. He loved his wife with all his heart, but feeding a hydra was damned expensive. She may only have one stomach, but all of Shora’s heads insisted on eating. His mother was right– he should have married a wraith. They only ate souls. 

A small chime indicated he had company. He looked up to see a unicorn browsing the latest arrivals. 

“Good afternoon,” Gromble said cheerily. The unicorn turned to acknowledge him, and he smiled. Big mistake. The creature took one look at Gromble’s awful teeth and stumbled back in fright. He quickly wiped the misunderstood grin off his face.

“Sorry!” He grabbed a bag with eyeholes in it he had stashed behind the counter and quickly put it over his head. “Now, what can I do for you?”

The unicorn regarded him for a moment, eying Gromble’s leathery wings and tail in disgust. Fucking stuck up unicorns, he thought. Think they’re better than everyone else. 

Finally, it shook its luxurious mane and deigned to speak.

“I need a service animal.” The unicorn’s baritone voice was rich and deep, like good chocolate. 

“Right this way!” 

Gromble nervously led it to the back of the store where he had a few prime specimens displayed. He pointed out the newest female.

“This one has a perfect temperament to be a service animal. She isn’t trained yet, but I’m sure she’ll pick it up quickly.”

The unicorn studied the female. She sat daintily in her case, combing her fingers through the ridiculous long, yellow hair that grew only on her head. Gromble removed the muting spell, and they heard her humming softly to herself. The unicorn knocked briskly on the glass of the case with one of its hooves, blatantly ignoring the signs Gromble had posted everywhere saying, “Please don’t tap the glass. It disturbs the humans.” The female looked up in surprise. Surprise soon turned to delight as her eyes drank in the beast’s grandeur. The unicorn shook its mane, and she reached for the beautiful, silken tresses. When she realized that the display case wasn’t going to let her touch the velvet pelt, she sighed and stroked the glass wistfully. Did she think she would be able to feel through the glass if she petted it long enough? Honestly, those creatures were so stupid that Gromble wouldn’t have been surprised.

“She’s very docile,” the unicorn noted. 

Gromble perked up at the sound of approval in its voice. 

“Yeah, she’s a sweetheart! And she loves being dressed up! We have all sorts of neat outfits you can put her in.”

 “Those things look absurd wearing clothes,” the unicorn snorted in disgust. 

“Yeah, they do,” he quickly agreed. “But some folks–”

 “Do you have any care manuals?”

Gromble pointed next to the cash register where a stack of Humans for Dummies books lay. 

“This covers all the basics.”

The unicorn pawed the ground and looked doubtful. 

“Is she full grown?”

Gromble indicated to the long, wooden ruler he had mounted at the back of the cage with tick marks indicating the average human height.

“Well, as you can see this one is pretty much full grown for a female.”

“And their lifespans?”

Gromble’s stomach turned itself into an anxious knot.

“About seventy or eighty years,” he admitted. 

The unicorn snorted. Gromble could feel the sale slipping through his grimy fingertips.

“Why would I pay thirty gold pieces for something with such a short lifespan?” it sniffed. Gromble needed to turn things around fast.

 “Well, you said you were looking for a service animal, right? Look at the dainty fingers she has. She grooms herself all the time. I bet she’d be a pro at getting tangles out of your tail once she learns how!” He tried in vain to keep the desperation out of his voice. 

“Yes, yes, she’s very nice,” the unicorn snapped irritably. “But thirty is a bit steep–”

“I’ll give her to you for twenty!” Gromble winced as the words came out of his mouth. She was probably worth at least forty gold pieces, but three of Shora’s heads threatened to bite him if they had ramen for dinner again.

“Well, I suppose that’s not too bad…”

Ten minutes later the unicorn emerged from the shop with the female in tow. It had bought her a sparkly collar and held her leash firmly between his teeth. In spite of its protestations to the contrary, it ended up buying several cute outfits for its kids to dress her in as well. By the time it finished buying clothes and accessories for the human, Gromble’s cash register was the proud owner of twenty-eight new gold pieces. 

The store’s chime rang again, and he looked up to see a goblin and her two spawn looking at the babies excitedly.

“Mom? Can we get one? Pleeeeaase?”

“Ugh, I bet they aren’t even house trained,” the mother grumbled. 

“Can I help you find something?” Gromble asked hopefully.

“Do you sell any feeders?” she asked. “I need something that will feed eight.”

Shora’s heads were going to eat steak tonight!