Last of Firsts

And... That makes 24, Maliek thought as he counted the droplets of condensation that fell from the water glass, making a crescent on the beige tablecloth. He sat in one of his favorite Asian restaurants, peering at the second water glass across from him that belonged to his date, who, in retrospect, was only 6 min late. Maliek, being perpetually punctual, resorted to being entertained by the water glasses after arriving 15 min early.

Feeling impatient, he picked up his phone and went to his messages to reread his date’s last check-in. I’m so sorry, running late! Be there in 8 min, the message reads. Frustration begins to bubble in Maliek's chest when he notices movement at the front door of the restaurant. A man who looked like he may be late to dinner due to his immaculate haircut, scanned the restaurant until his eyes landed on Maliek. Smiling nervously, yet with a genuine happiness, the handsome man hurried over to the table where he sat.

As he wove in-between the awkwardly spaced tables, Maliek thought of the first time he saw Kyren, and how, like now, he thought he was the most handsome man he had seen. Tall, dark-skinned, and handsome. The dream, right?

“Hi,” Kyren greeted, almost out of breath, “I am so sorry I’m late. My barber was running behind... You know how barbers can be... But I know this ain’t a good look for the first date...”

“It’s okay, Kyren,” Maliek mustered, concealing his true annoyance.

Kyren stood stiffly behind his chair, unsure if his next move would be welcomed. He gestures his arms out to initiate a hug. Maliek felt the energy he was exuding and let out a sigh, expelling the negativity he was harboring. Kyren had only been a few minutes late, and Maliek did understand how barbers were, having gotten his haircut the day before to avoid being late. Tonight was important, so he was willing to make a concerted effort to help things go smoothly.

Maliek stood to embrace Kyren. The hug felt warm and so familiar. Like he had lost something precious and found it again. The hug might’ve lasted a bit longer than either intended, and yet both were okay with that.

Taking their seats, they both stare intently at each other, and it’s as if Maliek can visibly see the tension ease from Kyren’s body.

Kyren picks up the glass of water that sits in front of him, taking a sip from the deteriorating paper straw. The cloudy glass made a full circle on the tablecloth, and Maliek wondered for a second how many droplets it took.

Kyren returns the glass to the ring of water as he clears his throat, “So, thank you for agreeing to come out with me,” he professes sheepishly.

“Thank you for allowing us to come to my favorite spot,” Maliek returned

“Well, someone once told me that place was amazing, so I figured it would be a great date spot.”

“I think you figured right,” they both smile, lock eyes for a moment before Maliek looks away, unable to keep himself from grinning ear to ear. Maliek would see Kyren out at the venues and functions, but never thought he would be anyone Kyren would be interested in. And after all that pining and drama in between, here he was with this gorgeous man. Many people wanted Kyren — Maliek knew that — and yet it was Maliek sitting across from him, the one making him nervous, the one pulling a genuine smile out of him.

A waiter seems to appear from thin air to ask about their drink selections. Maliek takes a margarita while Kyren orders an old-fashioned, to which Maliek commented, “Okay, sophisticated.”

“So, first date. Tell me about yourself,” Kyren asks, attempting to break the ice.

“Hmm. What is there to tell about Maliek? I like to go hiking. Love a good margarita...”

The waiter silently drops off the drink orders and makes a gesture to let the pair know she’ll be back in a second.

“...Uh, I work in Facility Management. I’m a Gemini-”

“Oof!”

“Hey, don’t start. We get a bad rep, but some of the most genuine people you will ever meet!”

“Okay, okay. If you say so. I’ve had my fair share, and I guess y’all ain’t that bad or whatever,” they share a laugh and gaze again.

Holding Kyren’s gaze Maliek inquires, “What about yourself? Who is Kyren?”

Kyren takes a beat to reflect on the question. The air around him turns a bit serious, mirroring his facial expression. The waiter appears again, and Kyren asks for a little more time.

“Uh... Kyren is more than his looks. He’s smart, he’s romantic, he’s an Aries,” they both chuckle. “Kyren loves making the people he loves feel special. Kyren is... He is loyal-”

“Have you ever cheated?”

Everything stilled. The question had slipped out before Maliek could catch it, and now it sat between them, waiting.

“I-I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to-”

“No, no, it’s okay. You want to do it here, that’s fine,” Kyren replies, a mixture of feelings surfacing.

“No. We don’t. Let’s not, please. I didn’t mean-”

“No, you want to hear the story on how I cheated on you.”

Maliek and Kyren first started dating two years and seven months ago. Kyren was the type of guy who went out and had a bunch of people around him. People wanted to be warmed by his light and drink up his presence. Everyone noticed Kyren, so how could Maliek not? It was as if his skin were the moon, reflecting the sun’s light. Or maybe he was the sun. But more than that, in their brief interactions, Maliek could see that person inside yearning for a genuine connection. The same thing Maliek yearned for.

Unbeknownst to Maliek, Kyren had been intrigued by him the moment he saw him 3 years prior. He had gone to Books-A-Million with a friend and heard a group of people attempting to laugh quietly. Of the 12 laughing people, Maliek was the only person who stood out to him. He wanted to walk up to him right then and ask for his number, but something kept him from doing so. Fear of rejection? When it came to romance, he didn’t face much of that. Fear of timing? Was he sure he wanted to take anyone seriously at this point in his life? He wasn’t sure, but he resigned to it being a pretty face he’d never see again.

Until he did again at a bar. Again, at a game night. Once at a birthday event of a mutual friend. And there was that time at the Pride event when Maliek had those hoochi shorts Kyren loves to see him in. Each time Maliek was increasingly more beautiful than the last. He'd been working up to it for three years — small talk at every function, every party, every chance encounter. Then came a cookout in June. Maliek slipped away to refill his drink, and Kyren followed, heart loud in his chest.

Attempting to be as cool as everyone saw him, he tried to smoothly approach Maliek, “Hey, you!”

Kyren remembers how Maliek brightened up when he saw him and the skip in his heartbeat.

“Hey! You! You probably don’t even know my name,” he had skeptically replied.

“Uh, yeah, I do. Maliek Fox.”

Oh, full government. Okay, Kyren Cole.”

“Oh, damn. Okay, wasn’t expecting that,” Kyren could feel himself being more intrigued by the fact that he had clearly looked him up too.

“I be knowing stuff too,” he let out, blushing and looking into the drink he just made.

“I be knowing stuff too. Wasn’t your birthday a few days ago?”

Bright red at this point, Maliek takes a second to answer. How did he know that? “Yeah, uh, it was earlier this week.”

“You should let me take you out to celebrate,” Kyren wondered if Maliek could hear his heart beating.

“Oh, really? I should,” Maliek knew his answer immediately, but waited a second so as not to sound too eager. “Okay, sure. When?”

The answer flew out before he knew it, “I mean, now? Let’s leave this and go somewhere now.” An energy moved through him that didn't feel like his own. It wasn’t courage... Vulnerability? Longing? Love? He just knew he wanted to be around Maliek now and as long as he could.

“Now? Where are we gonna go?”

“Anywhere you want.”

The hours slipped away without either noticing. They went from walking in Maliek’s favorite park near the water to drinks in the city, and a stroll in the cool late spring air.

“This was an amazing impromptu celebration,” Maliek confessed as they strolled beneath the fluorescent city lights.

“I’m glad. I’m glad you left with me.”

“I am too,” Maliek smiles as he catches Kyren’s gaze, and then his stomach cries.

“Someone is hungry,” Kyren grabs his own stomach, noticing he too is hungry.

The area was familiar to Maliek, so he scanned the buildings for a place he knew.

“Wait, I know where we are! My favorite Asian restaurant is around here,” Maliek spots a building and points. “There! The food is amazing!”

“Okay, my stomach and I are here for amazing food.”

“Also, it’s a great place for a date.”

One date turned into them being inseparable for the next two years and three months. Dates turned into sleepovers, which turned into formal labels, that flourished into love, which grew into moving in, which turned into routine, and then came the small rut.

Kyren thrived on nightlife and novelty, and two years in, the relationship began to feel like a cage. Maliek was his first real adult relationship, and monogamy — something he hadn't anticipated struggling with — was quietly suffocating him. Maliek, who had gone looking for love and believed he'd found it, had no interest in anyone else. His struggle wasn't with monogamy, but with Kyren’s seeping boredom.

In an act of desperation, Maliek suggests a threesome, hoping to spice things up. Kyren was intrigued. Together, they downloaded an app, built a profile that read "Couple Seeking," and uploaded provocative pictures. Maliek hated every second of it.

It didn’t take long before they found an aesthetically pleasing man they both could agree on. As they both got ready to receive the man, Maliek thought for sure he was going to reproduce the Italian food they had earlier.

When the man who simply went by Nameless finally arrived, it went better than Maliek had feared. All that anxiety, and it was over almost before it began. Stranger still — something in Kyren had softened afterward. His affection returned; his demeanor was warmer than it had been in months. For a moment, it seemed like exactly what they needed.

Then, five months later, Maliek found Kyren inside Nameless in their apartment.

It wasn’t the first time.

Maliek gaped at Kyren, unable to deny the need to hear about his infidelity. Maybe hearing it would help him make sense of what was wrong with him. How could Nameless have taken Kyren’s attention? What did he lack?

“H-How did it start?” Maliek finally mustered.

Kyren sighs and deflates.

“You really want to hear how, after Nameless left his number on our dresser, I texted him. How I fought for two months before I gave in to his advances? How I went over to his place one night when you were with your friends? How I walked into his apartment? How he was naked and ass up? How, for a brief moment, it felt completely worth it?

“How I left and sat in my car for an hour regretting it. How I wasn’t strong enough to fight the feeling again? How it unfortunately became addictive? How deeply sorry I am? And not because I was caught-”

“I wouldn’t have known otherwise. This only came to light because you got caught.”

“I know... I... Maliek-”

“Did you two decide-” The waitress stops mid-sentence, taking in a now crying Maliek and a distressed-looking Kyren. “You know what, y’all let me know when you’re ready.” She slowly backs away.

Kyren reaches for Maliek’s hand, and he has to keep himself from retracting it.

“Maliek, I can’t express how sorry I am. I... This is my first real adult relationship. And I guess I’m not used to it. I have people in my face like flies, always flirting with me, and it got boring. I wanted something real, and I found that with you.”

“How, when you went to Nameless!”

“I know, I know... I guess a part of me missed being adored by more than one person. A part of me missed some excitement. It’s dumb because for 3 years all I wanted was to experience excitement with you. And almost 3 years in, I’ve had the most exciting years. And I allowed my desires to make a stupid judgment call. I’m sorry.”

Maliek parts his hand from Kyren’s and sits back thoughtfully.

“I believe you. And I believe you’re sorry... I just.. I don’t know...”

“Come on, man, fuck! I made a mistake. I love you, Maliek Fox!”

Kyren’s voice begins to rise as tears well up. Maliek can feel Kyren’s emotions, and it almost brings another round of tears for himself. But there’s a hint of something that feels wrong.

“But, I mean, are you really sorry?”

“What? O-of course I am!”

“Or is it not just because you were caught? Maybe it’s because of how our lives are being affected. Our shared friends are taking sides, and I’m sure making you feel bad. And-”

“No! No, it’s not that. I mean, sure, we can’t do group hangouts anymore. And the apartment is lonely now that you’re at J’s house. And yeah, they keep making me feel shittier than I already feel.”

There it was. The gut feeling confirmed that something was wrong. This was never about how Maliek felt, nor about the reason they brought Nameless into their lives in the beginning. He would have to take part ownership of that; he should never have done something he wasn’t comfortable with in the first place.

The realization hit Maliek, and he sat back calmly. The whole starting from scratch, the faux first date, the apology... Maliek had been an unwilling participant in Kyren's pity party. This had only ever been about him. Kyren wasn't really sorry. He didn't want to feel bad about his life choices anymore. He wanted to be absolved.

But it wasn’t for Maliek to make him feel absolved. And if he did, then what? Maliek would come back to the apartment, and they’d pretend like the trust between them wasn’t broken? What would change, because at this literal moment, all Maliek saw was the same selfish person who defiled their relationship and home. He wondered if he would ever see Kyren as anything else. He knew he wouldn’t.

Maliek slid his chair back. He glanced over to where the servers had congregated and saw his waitress, no doubt speculating that her table was in the middle of a breakup, and they were right.

Maliek took a sip of water from the straw that was basically a mush of paper, placed his napkin from his lap on the table, and stood.

“Well, I hope you feel better.”

Maliek exited his favorite restaurant into the cold sunset-lit city, feeling how he imagined Kyren wanted to feel. At peace.