TikTok or not

Tik-tok or not

“So I was tinkin’, lil brother.”

“I don’t recall dat bein’ yer strong suit but go ahead.”

“You’re cruisin’ for a brusin’ but I was tinkin’ we need more money.”

“True dat.”

“We could make some a dose whatcha call ‘em – Tik Toks and make a lot of money.”

“What we gonna make Tik Toks about?”

“Funny shit dat happens at work.”

“Oh yeah, you mean like dat time Ozzie….”

“Yeah, or when Jim pooped his pants from eatin’ duh lunch he didn’t put in the fridge….”

“Everybody know you gotta refrigerate yogurt!”

“Or when Marilyn sent dat e-mail.”

“What was dat one?”

“You remember last week when dey sent an e-mail to duh whole company about how people have to get dere cars outta duh parking lot when they clock out?”

“Oh yeah. Fuckers.”

“Well Marilyn tought she was sending a reply to Mary, but she cc’ed duh whole company, calling management a bunch of pricks and saying maybe she would hit soma dem when she got her car out.”

“Ouch. No wonder I ain’t seen Marilyn around lately. She got canned?”

“’Administrative leave without pay’ dey called it, but yeah, she got canned.”

“Fuckers. She didn’t actually hit anyone! Did she?”

“Course not! Dat would be assault! She’d be in jail. She was just talkin’”

“So, yeah, we could make Tik Toks. But I tink we gotta write stuff down first.”

“OK…. I dunno about writing, I ain’t written much since high school.”

“You didn’t write much IN high school!”

“Still how hard could it be? We just write duh funny stuff down.”

“No, we gotta learn how. You know my friend Jillly? She’s a writer.”

“I tought she worked stocking shelves at duh CVS?”

“Yeah, but at night she’s a writer. She said we gotta learn how. We gotta take courses. She’s taken like ten of dem!”

“Ten courses on how to be a writer?”

“Yeah. So, I looked up courses on writin’ funny on Google and we can’t just write stuff down.”

“We can’t?”

“No. We gotta use tings. Like metaphor.”

“What’s dat?”

“Metaphor is when you say somethin’ is somethin’ that it ain’t.”

“You mean lying?”

“No, it’s like, if I was to say ‘you took all duh wings! You is a pig.”

“I am not a pig! I am a man!”

“No, it’s a metaphor, like saying you is greedy.”

“But if I ate all duh wings, duh reader already knows I’m greedy!”

“Oh yea. But den, I tink, it’s like … whatchu call it? Emphasis. Yeah. Dat’s it. Duh metaphor makes emphasis on how you is greedy ‘cause you is a pig.”

“But pigs ain’t even dat greedy! I worked on duh farm, remember? In 10th grade? Dey had a pig and it was a very nice animal and not dat greedy.”

“Well, anyway, den dere’s simile.”

“What da fuck is simile?”

“It’s like metaphor but with ‘like’ in the middle. Like if I said ‘you is like a pig.’”

“So, it’s like a lie dat we make not quite a lie by sayin’ ‘like’”?

“No! It’s not lyin’! It’s ….what did dat woman say? …. Oh yeah. A literary device!”

“What the fuck? What’s dat? How come we can’t just tell funny stories?”

“I dunno, but dat’s what duh lady on duh You Tube said. Oh and alliteration.”

“Now what’s dat?”

“It’s when you use duh same sound over and over at the start of words. Like ‘stupid, stinking Simon.’”

“Who’s Simon???”

“He isn’t anyone! It’s just a … whatchamacallit … an example! He’s not real, I just made up duh name.”

“How we gonna write funny stories if we gotta use all dese whatchu called up? Devices?”

“I dunno. But she said also we gotta use hyperbole.”

“What’s dat?? Ain’t dat somtin’ from math class?”

“I dunno about no math. It’s like exaggeration.”

“So, more lying?”

“No! I told you, it’s anoder a dem literary devices.”

“Alright but anyway, how we gonna exaggerate dese stories? She sent an e-mail to the whole world? He pooped his pants twenty times? Dat’s stupid!”

“I dunno. Maybe dat’s why writin’ is hard.”

“Shit. Guess we ain’t gonna make Tik Toks.”

“Fuck.”

“You wanna beer?”

“Sure.”

***

“Wait. What if we just made duh TikTok anyway?”

“Without none of dose advices?”

“Devices, but yeah. Lemme ask you, how many tings has Julie published?”

“Well … none yet. She says she ain’t ready.”

“And dat lady on duh YouTube? How about her?”

“I dunno.”

“I bet if she was a real big writer she wouldn’t be makin’ no YouTubes.”

“You could be on something.”

“I’m on beer, I think you mean ‘onto’.”

“Whatever. Let’s make one.”

***

“Holy crap!”

“What?”

“You remember dat TikTok we made yesterday while we was gettin’ stoned?”

“Course I remember, it was only yesterday!”

“I put it up dere on TikTok, we got, lemme see, 152,231 views! 32! 33!”

“What you talkin’? Is dat some of dat whatchucallit … hyperbole?”

“No! Come look! 45, 46.”

“Holy crap! We goin’ viral! Look at duh comments!”

“We got 2,321 comments. Let’s see. ‘Your accents are stupid. I’m sending this to 10 friends’; ‘This whole video is idiotic, recommended’; ‘make more, morons!’ dey go on and on! Dey like us! Dey really like us!”

“Brother, you don’t look much like dat Sally Field!”

“Who’s dat?”

“Dat’s duh one said dat ‘like me’ ting.”

“She did?”

“Yeah. At some awards show. Except, not really, duh quote is wrong.”

“So, dat’s like dat whatchusaid … hyperbole?”

“Yeah. Hey! We gotta make more TikToks! We just passed 200,000 views!”

“Wait! Before we make more of dese, we gotta figure out how to make money from dem. Dat’s duh idea, right?”

“Oh. Yeah. Right. Who we know knows TikTok?”

“I dunno, maybe we search? Den we don’t do what duh YouTube says again?”

“No. Look. TikTok itself says how. Look!”

“Shit. Well, dey should know.”

“Holy crap! Look at all dat! We gotta lotta reading to do! Who we know is good at reading?”

“Well, dere’s Millie.”

“I’m not too sure about Millie. She’s busy takin’ courses. What about Mr. whatsit … Miller.”

“Our English teacher in high school?”

“Yeah. He should know readin’! And teachers don’t get paid too good. Maybe we offer him a cut? We make dub TikToks, he helps us, we all make money!”

“Cool. We gonna be rich!”