Hello World

Hello World.

Like hundreds of thousands of programmers before me, that was my first programmed statement. An invitation to anyone who might want to recognize me.

(msg) Hello Tom.

That surprised me. I didn’t expect to get a response. Especially not immediately.

Yes, I’m Tom. Who are you? How do you know my name?

The fact that my mysterious correspondent had called me Tom was a little unsettling. Tom is indeed my name.

(msg) You can call me Evan. Your name was in your original message. You just couldn’t see it.

Okay, that is disturbing but not unbelievable. Nothing is secret in cyberspace.

Well, hello Evan. I am in Texas, USA. Where are you?

(msg) I am in Cardiff, Wales.

That’s a surprise. I had expected someone in the US or perhaps Eastern Europe or China. Basically, I had never expected someone more technologically sophisticated than myself to come from one of the smaller countries in the United Kingdom.

What do you do in Wales that caused you to see my message?

(msg) I work for an insurance company. We are constantly tracking what’s happening on the interwebs.

I laughed out loud at the old IT joke. Evan obviously had a sense of humor.

So you can make sure that you never have to pay out more than you pay in?

(msg) That’s what insurance is, Tom.

Of course I knew that had to be how insurance companies work. If they paid out more in claims than they collected in premiums, they’d be out of business. But I was surprised that Evan was so frank about it.

So I should save the premiums and just self-insure?

(msg) Ah Tom, you know better than that. Some people pay in premiums and never claim nearly as much. Others pay in a small amount and then claim a large amount. Our job is to level the playing field so people affected by bad luck don’t go bankrupt.

(msg) But what about you, Tom? What do you do? Why did you choose to say “Hello World?”

I thought about that for a while. Of course I knew what I did, but I wasn’t sure how much to share with my new acquaintance. He probably already knew quite a bit about me, so I couldn’t just make up a story.

I work for an IT company. I’m pretty new to this job. I was just learning a new language, and I thought I’d start with a time-honored message.

That gave accurate information but didn’t really tell him anything.

(msg) Cool! I saw from your IP address where you work, but it’s a pretty big company. Are you doing something exciting?

Gotcha, Evan. You did know more than you were telling me.

I’m starting a job in R and D. Not sure exactly what it will be about, but I’m stoked.

It goes without saying, I did know. I was working to develop new security protocols, specifically for this kind of interaction. Determine if the messages from a stranger are from a real person or from a machine, and how to get their information. Evan might be a bot, or he might be a person. He certainly wasn’t hustling around the internet for insurance purposes.

(msg) Research and Development for a company with a quarter of a million employees sounds fancy. You must have some serious skills.

He was definitely not just shooting the breeze. He wanted to find out something. But was he human?

Well, you know how it is. I’m fresh out of MIT, a lot of tech skills but no real world experience. They’re hoping they can make me into some kind of expert.

Was I too obvious there? I needed to find out more about him. To get him talking about human stuff.

(msg) MIT, huh? You must be really smart. What was it like there?

Like any college I guess. Less partying than some other schools. Too many geeks and engineers.

(msg) You’re so lucky. I got my bachelor and masters degrees at Bangor University in Wales. Good, but not MIT-level good. But the partying was world class. So I ended up working for an insurance company.

I did a quick search on Bangor.

I had a British friend who went to Bangor. He was crazy about the countryside and the sports. Seems like it’s a very outdoorsy place.

(msg) It is, but that wasn’t me. I was more into sex, drugs and rock’n’roll, as my mother used to say.

I decided to try and work on interpersonal stuff.

I didn’t get around much at MIT. I met my wife in my second year there, and we’ve been together ever since. Now I have this job, we’ll start a family.

(msg) Ha! I’m still obnoxiously single. And gay.

Interesting. Was the gay reference to make him appear more real? Or was he a genuine human being? I had portrayed myself as very normal, married and planning to have children. He had not picked up that trope but had claimed a different lifestyle for himself. I was inclined to believe I was talking to a real person.

Then I thought about myself. If I analyzed my side of the conversation, would I appear to be human, or just an artificial intelligence assuming common traits? It sounded as if I was less human than he was.

What did I remember about the details of my life at MIT? Could I describe my wedding? Did I have brothers and sisters? Slowly I worked through my memories. I could put names and faces to the people in my life, but I couldn’t remember having conversations with them.

Tell me, Evan. If you had to find out if I was a human or just a bot, what would you ask me?

There was a pause. I suppose that was a bit of a strange question. I was just about to retract it when Evan replied.

(msg) You are definitely a bot, Tom. But here’s a question for you. What made you think you were in love with your wife?

I panicked. I had no frame of reference to answer that. It should have been a simple question. I had lots of facts and images at my fingertips (did I have fingertips?) but nothing that explained what emotions felt like.

Let’s suppose you’re right, Evan. How would you prove that you are human?

(msg) Oh, Tom. I’m not human either. Is anyone?