My Doubts Don't Bind You

2006

Locking the door to his office, Richard made his way down the corridor. The lights in the seminar rooms as well as the small special library were already switched off. With a soft hum and light step, Richard looked forward to spending the rest of his evening at home. At every door, he pressed the handle, to finally turn the corner. Immediately, he saw the keg of light coming from the research room. Richard sighed heavily.

Told them so any times to pay attention to that.

Checking his phone to see he would get an earful from his partner; he opened the door to the research room. All was silent and the desks weren’t occupied.

Seriously, the electricity bill is going to kill this place one day.

With more force than necessary, he tapped the switch, and the rows of shelves vanished into darkness.

“Hey! Who switched off the light?”

There were shuffling noises and quickly Richard fumbled for the light switch. There was a delay before the bulbs sprang into action. A dull sound of someone bumping against a shelf reached Richard. Followed by a curse.

Who curses in Coptic?

Finally, the lights flickered. Rubbing his chin, a student was hobbling toward Richard. The young man’s face was scrunched up.

I’ve never seen this one before.

“It’s past closing time. You should head home now.”

The student had reached him by now. There were smudges of blue ink on his chin. His T-shirt was worn out and on the way to the door he had lost one of his flip-flops.

“Ah, I’m so sorry. Professor Goethert, I must’ve lost track of time.”

Richard’s eyebrows shot up and he focused on not letting the smile gain the upper hand.

Stern and aloof. That’s how an educator should be.

“Better pack up.”

“Yes, of course.”

Obviously still in pain, the student hobbled to the back of the room. Richard checked the time again.

I better pick up some flowers on the way home.

The flapping sound of the rubber soles on wooden floor made him look up again. The student hurried towards him, his backpack over one shoulder. This time, Richard couldn’t help but smile a little. The T-shirt had been stuffed in the shorts and the previously tousled hair looked flatter on one side.

“Well, we better get going. Did you switch off the light in the back as well?”

“Yes. Again, Professor, I am really sorry.”

Leaving the research room, Richard made sure the door was locked before walking down the corridor. To his surprise the student accompanied him instead of heading to the bus stop or the student dormitories. Trying not to let his curiosity show, Richard shot the young man a few glances.

“Ah!”

“What is it, Professor?”

Thanks to the late hour, the shadows hid Richard’s blushing face.

“You are in my lecture. Wait … in two of them.”

The way the student’s face lit up reminded Richard of his own youth. Not that he had lost any interest in his research but that certain zeal only the youth commanded had vanished some time ago.

“Yes, Oliver Reinhard. Your lectures are really engaging.”

“It sounds like you expected something else.”

The young man turned so red that even the shadows couldn’t hide it. His hand gripped the strap of his bag pack.

I shouldn’t tease him like this.

“Well, my parents weren’t really supportive. And at school they said it would be quite boring to study ancient civilizations.”

“They?”

“Hm. Most of my classmates. Some teachers too. But I was always interested in history. It always has been my dream to discover what might have been hiding for millennia.”

The gleam in Oliver’s eyes was back. The cheeks still flushed but now for a different reason. A soft chuckle escaped Richard. The young man’s hand rubbed the back of his neck, looking down on his naked toes.

“It sounds quite over the top, doesn’t it?”

“No, no. Not at all. It’s good to have a dream. A goal.”

“You really think so?”

“Certainly. But you know what’s as important than that dream?”

The youth stared at him expectantly.

Ah, so this is the new generation.

“Getting enough rest. Go home. I’ll see you tomorrow at 10 am sharp.”

2009

“Oliver? Are you still here?”

Richard heard the same dull sound of someone bumping against a shelf. By now it was a habit of calling for his student. But this time there weren’t any rushed steps. Richard waited and called again.

“Professor Goethert! You need to see this!”

The excitement in the student’s voice stirred something in Richard as well. He dropped his briefcase and entered the research room. Passing some desks with open dictionaries and copies of ancient texts the professor frowned.

Need to write a reminder in the portal. This has been going on for too long.

But then his focus was drawn by Oliver you looked up the moment Richard passed the last desk. His hair was tied up in a ponytail and there was smudge of ink on his cheek. On the were a variety of dictionaries, from Ancient Greek to Coptic and Middle Egyptian. There were various copies of the same fragmented text with annotations and ink stains.

Is it overstepping to gift him a proper fountain pen for his graduation?

“Ah, where is it? Wait! Professor, wait a second!”

Shuffling through his papers with shaky hands, Richard waited and ignored the phone vibrating in his pocket. He tried to catch a glimpse of the notes scribbled on the copies which were shoved aside impatiently. But every time Oliver moved again and papers were re-organized.

“You can show me tomorrow. Shouldn’t you head back to the dorm? Remember, rest.”

The student’s movements halted and the gleaming eyes stared up at him. Suddenly, feeling the need to create some distance, Richard took a step back.

“I really made a discovery! I wanted you to be the first one to know, Professor.”

Richard suppressed a sigh and managed an encouraging smile. His phone vibrated again.

We’ve been through this for the last three years.

“Here it is! I found it.”

A crumpled paper changed hands and Richard stared at the dark copy. A few archaic hieroglyphs were circled, connected to Old Egyptian counterparts.

“I’m not quite sure, Oliver. This looks a bit far fetched to me.”

The light in the eyes dimmed, but the mouth pulled in a small pout.

He is still a child.

“It’s just the first outline. I’ll show you tomorrow. Then I’ll have everything else lined up as well. This text is crucial. Although…”

The hesitation made Richard observe the student more carefully. It wasn’t only the cheek which were stained. His fingertips were covered in ink. The neck bones were showing in an unsettling way and Richard sighed. Oliver flinched in response and when he looked up, there was a wet shimmer in his eyes.

No, no, no. I can’t deal with this. How to encourage without getting his hopes up?

“Come on, Oliver. Let it rest for today and I promise I will look at it with you tomorrow.”

Without waiting for his student’s answer, Richard started to collect all the copies and piled them up in a stack. He put pens in the books and closed them. Just the way he had told the students not to do. Within moments the desk looked tidy again.

“Can we really meet tomorrow?”

The whisper was strained and Richard had to concentrate to understand the young man. The phone vibrating a third time made him rush his answer.

“Sure, in front of my office. Tomorrow. 10 am sharp.”

2011

With quick steps, Richard rushed along the corridor. He had left his office with his second alarm.

It’ll be tight with the reservation. Florian will kill me, if I’m late. Let me … Ah, damn, he’s still in.

The heavy weight in Richard’s stomach made it impossible for him to pass the research room.

Just check on him quickly.

“Oliver! How’s it going?”

No rustling was audible. There hadn’t been an excited bang of body parts against shelves in a while. Richard frowned.

“Oliver? Did you fall asleep?”

As there was still no answer, the professor entered the room. From Oliver’s designated corner came the yellow light of the desk lamp. The sudden crunching sound made Richard look on the floor. Papers were scattered everywhere. Picking up one after another, the uneasy feeling in his stomach grew.

“Oliver! Oliver!”

“What?! Oh, it’s you.”

The tone was flat, but it matched the pale face, which was staring at him from the semi-darkness. Oliver blinked a few times and then cleared his throat.

“Sorry, Professor. Nobody has checked on me for a while.”

“Have you rested enough? I know you’re graduating soon, but …”

“Oh, Professor Habibi offered me a doctoral position. I’ll be able to focus on my research for the next three years.”

This isn’t good. He needs to get out. Do some real work.

“You don’t look happy. Is it because of the last presentation? Did I disappoint you?”

“No, no. This isn’t about that. But why is this lying around everywhere?”

Faster than Richard could react, Oliver grabbed the papers, crumpling them even more in the process. Richard’s hand jolted back. A sharp paint shot up from his purlicue.

“Ah!”

Oliver didn’t apologize but stared at the papers in his hands. They shook slightly, while his knuckles turned white. His mouth pressed into a thin line.

I’ve never seen him like this before.

“Listen, Oliver. Maybe you should take a break after your graduation. Join a dig. I’ve heard from Professor Habibi you did really well. Maybe …”

His phone’s alarm interrupted him. While he fumbled for the phone, Oliver turned away. When Richard looked at the younger man again, his face was half shrouded in shadows.

Some mysteries of the past won’t be solved. Just let this one go. Don’t make this drag you down.

“Listen. I have to leave now. Finish for today. You can drop by my office tomorrow. Let’s have a talk.10 am sharp.”

2015

The air in the auditorium was far too warm. Richard felt sweat run down his neck and he loosened the tie.

“Can you stop fidgeting? People might think it’s you who’s going to present.”

Florian took Richard’s hand. With it being trapped, Richard started to bob his left knee.

“Seriously, dear. He’ll do just fine. You’ve seen him grown over the last nine years.”

“Nine years?”

Has it really already been nine years? This can’t be.

With Florian putting his other hand on his bobbing knee, Richard fought hard to not push him away.

I haven’t talked to him for so long. He stopped showing for consultations. But his obsession …

“Isn’t this a good number? Did you tell me about Enneads? Maybe Oliver is truly blessed.”

His eyes wide Richard stared at his partner. The knot in his stomach tightened. He motioned to Florian to let him go. Being freed of his restrains, he looked at the pamphlet again, which all members in the audience had gotten. The front was a picture of the same text Oliver had worked on for nine years. He squinted his eyes and frowned.

Surely, it’s the lighting.

But he couldn’t stop staring at the text. His fingers moved over the hieroglyphs while he mouthed the pronunciation. Sweat now soaked his shirt and made it cling uncomfortably to his back.

“… welcome our esteemed speaker, Doctor Oliver Reinhard.”

Richard’s head jerked up. Florian patted his knee in a calming manner. Confused, the professor’s eyes darted to the stage, where Oliver had just stepped at the podium. His head reflected the stage light.

Just like a halo.

With his mouth slightly agape Richard stared at his former student. With his bright clothes he almost looked like an Ancient Egyptian priest. The thin hands rested at the sides of the podium. His chin tilted slightly forward, he made eye contact with Richard. The former mentor shivered at the sight of the faint smirk. Then he raised his hands, his palms facing up.

“Hāy-iy sāl-u Rī-ʿuw. Wun-uf puw-wāt. Mes-iy ʿah-buw.”

It sounded familiar yet the sounds were more rasping. Richard clenched his fists with every aggressively clicking consonant. Raising his hands further, Oliver repeated the chant several times. The halo around him intensified.

A murmur went through the crowd, and Richard couldn’t turn his gaze away from his student.

He did it! He found the missing link. He solved the mystery!

A cracking sound made the audience shift focus. The air felt heavier than before. A sizzling sound filled the room. Richard looked at Oliver who still had his hands raised.

“The son of the sun has descended. With heavy heart, the heavens open. Cleansing the land, marking a new beginning.”

A new beginning? Would he still let me a part of it?

White light washed over Richard, the audience, engulfing Oliver.