Higher Power

Higher Power

Shaking his head, Booker read the sign outside the meeting. Attendees streamed by him and into the building.

The sign read, ‘Welcome to our local chapter of the AA. Note: This is Ambivalence Anonymous, not Alcoholics Anonymous. Please come in. You might like it.’

Despite his mixed feelings about going in, Booker figured it might be worth spending an hour to check it out.

A friend of his at his job at the PR agency had recommended this meeting. His co-worker was sure it would help his struggle with indecision.

Inside the meeting room, people greeted each other and hung out at the coffee and donut table. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood.

Booker’s friend hadn’t come. He sat at the back, to observe.

Charlie, introduced the meeting and explained the three minute time limit. Those wanting to share had three minutes to make their point. He said the time limit encouraged speakers to be concise and minimized rambling. He pointed out that also allowed more people to share.

The meeting consisted of people sharing about their struggles to make decisions. And, once made, striving to stick with them. An essential to gaining successful outcomes, ‘caring’ was a theme shared by many.

Several speakers mentioned one or more of the Alcoholics Anonymous’ twelve steps. Step two, about choosing a higher power, came up more than the others.

Booker’s understanding of it was murky. He understood that believing in a power greater than ourselves could ground people. It promised to help them make decisions. Several people shared that they lacked religious motivations.

When that came up, a guy sitting near the back would shout, “Yeah, we get it!” He looked like he’d played football in high school. No one wanted to confront him.

Each time, others turned to shush him. He wasn’t impressed by their trying to quiet him.

Some speakers were funny. Others broke down in tears and had to stop before they could finish.

One speaker, named Eddy, ran out of time before he made his point. On hearing the clock chime, he walked away from the podium. He said, “I don’t care,” with a wave of his hand and left the meeting.

Everyone applauded after each share and said in unison, “Thanks for sharing…”

Charlie wrapped up the meeting. He invited everyone for fellowship, to the café across the street.

Booker stood as the meeting adjourned. He wondered, do I feel like fellowship with this bunch? I don’t know…

Smiling brightly, a woman approached him. “Hi. I’m Sylvia. First time?” She offered him her hand.

Booker said, “Uhm… I guess…”

“Join us across the street. You’ll get to know a good bunch.”

“Oh… Okay…”

As they walked, she talked non-stop. “I don’t have an official title, but I pretty much am the social director and Welcome Wagon team leader…”

They got to the café. A long table was set up for a dozen. The manager expected them. People milled about trying to decide where to sit.

Sylvia stood next to Booker and called out, “Hey, everyone… Say hello to Booker, our newest member!”

Everyone greeted him and went about their business. A waitress approached and began taking drink orders.

Charlie approached and introduced himself. They shook hands and sat. Sylvia sat on Booker’s left and Charlie on his right.

“So, what did you think? Is it a good fit?”

Booker shrugged. “Everyone seems nice. I’m not sure it’s for me though.”

Charlie and Sylvia both laughed. “Can you believe it? It’s like a script. Same answer from everyone.”

Sylvia tapped Booker’s shoulder. “We’re not making fun of you, Booker. That answer tells us this is exactly what you need. We’re Ambivalence Anonymous.” She and Charlie laughed again.

Booker said, “Tell me more about this ‘higher power thing. I don’t get it.’”

Sylvia deferred to Charlie. “We look at the Higher Power as a personally defined entity, you know… something greater than ourselves. It provides guidance and support for our recovery. Forget traditional deities. Too much baggage… Some choose nature… the group…” Charlie gestured to the table. “…love (with a capital ‘L’), or the universe. Some pick objects. We tend to focus on the spiritual, over the religious… Get it…?”

Booker nodded. “More or less.”

Charlie continued. “Seeing as how we’re AA, we aim for more specific over less.”

Booker said, “So, more specific… Are they secret? What are your ‘higher powers?’”

Charlie balked. He didn’t want to divulge his.

The waitress began distributing drinks and food.

Sylvia said, “My cat is my higher power.”

Booker said, “I’d never think of that.”

“She’s perfect.”

“But a cat? They’re so…”

“Yeah. I’d do anything for it.”

Charlie ventured, “What if it gets…?”

“Don’t say it.”

“Well, it happens.”

“Better than your pet rock.”

Charlie seemed taken aback. “Why? It isn’t going anywhere.”

“What about when it fell into the trash?”

“That was a one off. Shouldn’t have left it on the counter. I paid dearly for that.”

Booker asked, “You paid? Your higher power punished you?”

Charlie grabbed the sides of his head. “The anxiety…! No ambivalence there, I’ll say I definitely felt pain. No ‘comme ci comme ça’ in that scenario. I was desperate for indifference. Craved it, you know? But no!”

Sylvia pressed, “But Charlie, a pet rock?”

“What’s the problem? It’s Biblical.”

She said, “I sincerely doubt that.”

Charlie sat back. “It’s true. I won’t debate it.” He turned to Booker. “Back to your question… Some people write themselves a ‘want ad for god.’ It helps them focus on what they’re seeking.”

“So, I can audition higher powers to see what’s the best fit…”

“Exactly.”

Brigit spoke up. “Maybe I’ll do that. I’m looking to replace it with something more agreeable.”

“What’s your higher power?”

She looked embarrassed. “Oh, it’s… uhm… An orchid. It used to be so beautiful. But I never know when it will blossom. Can’t count on it.”

Daniel interjected. “I can’t believe you’re threatened by your higher power. An orchid no less.”

Brigit stiffened. “I didn’t say it ‘threatened’ me. It’s… uncooperative.” She stared into her cup for a moment and turned to Daniel. “So, you’re completely happy with yours?”

“Pretty much. I want to be left alone. To live my life without having to take orders from some being with a superior attitude. You know, always following me around, judging every thought and misstep.”

Booker tried to understand. “And your higher power does that?”

“Yeah. It’s a snow globe. I bought it in Vegas a few years back. It does what it’s designed to do. Doesn’t bother me. And I don’t bother it.”

Brigit said, “I guess I feel inferior to my higher power. I mean, who does it think it is?”

Vanessa said, “I’m happy with my higher power.”

Booker asked, “Which is?”

“An old tennis shoe.”

The table went silent.

Booker ventured, “Not a pair?”

“No. Lost the other one. And anyway, I’m trying to get away from duality. It works for me.”

Almost to himself, Booker said, “Isn’t it ironic to choose the power greater than yourself? Kind of grasping for control, no?”

Mason offered. “The rules state it’s my choice.” Booker remembered that Mason was the heckler from the meeting.

Phoebe leaned in. “Yeah! Ever hear of choice?”

“Rule number two says, ‘as you understand Him, or it.’ Obviously, my choice is subject to my understanding.”

Booker said, “But if it’s subject to your personal choice, what makes it a higher power? Isn’t submission implied by its title?”

Mason said, “You’re getting ahead of yourself, now. Stay on topic. We’re on Rule number two…”

Phoebe hit the table. “And don’t forget who made the rules!”

Mason said, “I’m my own higher power. I say, ‘Choose yourself!’”

Sylvia said, “No way.”

Mason held his head up. “I answer only to myself.”

Charlie said, “But… Isn’t that cheating? And contrary to the original intention…?”

“No. I always do what I say.”

Sylvia laughed. “Except when you don’t…”

“Kettle, meet pot.”

Booker sat back and smiled. “After listening to you, I’ve figured out my higher power.”

Everyone leaned in.

Sylvia said, “What is it?”

“Seems to me that you chafe at the very concept of a higher power. Not one of you is willing to submit to it.”

Brigit gaped. “Really?”

“You spend more energy fighting it than not.”

Daniel said, “It gives us something to push back at. Lets me feel alive.”

“I understood its purpose was to ally with us while wrestling with ambivalence.”

Charlie said, “It offers focus.”

“Yeah. Right. But it’s split. It diverts energy from your stated goal. Whatever your choice, you pick it so it can sit on the shelf. You ignore it and go about living your lives.”

Sylvia said, “What about my cat? I adore her.”

“When convenient. Are there consequences if you don’t do what she wants?”

She looked surprised. “Well… No…”

“As I was saying….”

Brigit said, “So, tell us. What’s this great higher power you’ve chosen?”

Mason added, “Yeah. What makes it so superior?”

Booker looked around. “Ambivalence.”

Everyone groaned.

Phoebe exclaimed, “What a cheat.”

Brigit said, “But I thought…”

Charlie tapped his glass with his knife. “You’re giving power to the very thing you’re trying to remove from your life? Booker… We call ourselves Ambivalence Anonymous…”

“It simplifies things.”

“Yes but, how does that work?”

“You all talk about not wanting to obey your higher power.”

“But you want to?”

“I try. That’s the deal. But I often fail. It’s in my nature to resist authority. So, I made ambivalence my higher power. It gives me a challenge to combat. Adopting the spirit of defiance, I can resist my higher power better than with any other strategy.”

They all stared at him.

Booker downed his water. “And if I sometimes feel hesitant or doubtful… you know what? I just won’t care.”