Seraphine

The sound of the monitors fill the empty spaces in this room. My eyes remain shut as I tap to the beeps and scratches of the fetal heart monitor I am attached to. They say I am due any day with another baby. I can hardly keep my eyes open when a nurse comes in to take my blood pressure, temperature, and oxygen. I try to get her to talk to me, but she says nothing. She hardly even looks at me.

“Nurse, please” I whisper, “Something is wrong, help me” I plea. She stares at the monitor, careful not to make eye contact and instead picks up her walkie-talkie and says, “Stay calm or you’ll be sent downstairs again”

“Nurse, please. I need your help” I say again and again she picks up her walkie-talkie, “Nurses aren’t permitted to speak with Mothers. Stay calm and I will return as soon as I can” she says without looking away from the monitors. I realize she was talking to me the whole time and as I watch her leave I suddenly feel extreme loneliness, like I’ve tripped into Alice’s rabbit hole but never reach any ground. My eyes feel like cinder blocks, I can hardly keep them open. I decide to stop fighting and let them close.

There is no clock in this room and the lights seem to always stay on. The beeping and scratching of the monitors has also remained the same when I finally wake again. A shooting pain in my stomach makes me gasp. A different nurse comes rushing in.

She picks up her walkie-talkie and says, “Nurse Gwen here, labor has begun for Mother 44” She releases the button and immediately I hear, “Nurse Maria here, I copy”. It sounds like the nurse that was in here earlier, but I can’t be sure. I know she said the nurses can’t speak to me, but I decide to try again anyway.

“Nurse please” I wince at another agonizing contraction, “Please call my husband and tell him to get here. I can’t find my phone” I say. Nurse Gwen says nothing and leaves the room. My anger begins to boil and I can feel my heart beat hard against my hospital gown. My thoughts race.

What the fuck is happening? Where is Kevin? He is going to miss the birth of our son and what fucking hospital doesn’t allow nurses to talk to mothers? And where the hell is my phone?

My eyes search the room and my vision is no longer my own. It starts to blacken and that’s when I realize Nurse Gwen and Nurse Maria were both back in my room and putting something in my I.V.

“No, no please” I begin to cry, “Please you can’t do this. Where is Kev-“. The world around me goes black, my body is paralyzed but I can still hear the monitors and groggy voices soon become clear.

“She does this every time” Nurse Gwen says. I could feel her eyes roll as she judged my very warranted anxiety.

“Don’t you ever think what we are doing isn’t fair?” Nurse Maria questions.

“Here we go again. There is nothing fair about life. This isn’t about fairness. We have a duty in this hospital to help repopulate the human species. You know this” she retorts.

“Sure, I get it. But doesn’t she have rights too?” Nurse Maria empathizes.

“No. She doesn’t. Not anymore. Listen it’s not my fault she willingly gave her DNA to Ancestry. She signed the Terms and Conditions when she logged into the database. If she wanted her rights, she should have read the fine print” Nurse Gwen states.

What the hell are they talking about? Repopulating the human population?

Endless questions race through my mind and even if I could talk, they would have no answers for me.

“Nurse Maria here, patient 44 is ready for Dr. Norman” Nurse Maris says into the walkie-talkie.

“Copy that. Dr. Norman is heading over now” says an unfamiliar voice.

Within a few minutes the door opens and closes again. The nurses are both silent. There are no greetings or small talk. I hear the clanking of tools on a metal tray. The swishing of what I imagine to be the plastic gowns doctors wear when they go into surgery like in Gray’s Anatomy. I’m unsure how much time has passed, but in what feels like mere moments I hear a baby’s cry. The sound forceful and either the medication is wearing off or my motherly instinct is impressively strong because I can move my fingers. I try to lift to get to his cries.

“Dr. Norman here, patient 44 had a girl. 7 pounds, 10 ounces. 19 inches long. 3:33 pm, February 2, 2041” he rattled off the statistics and the next thing I hear is the door open and close.

A girl? No, I was pregnant with a boy. Wait, did he say 2041? How long have I been here? It’s supposed to be 2028. How did I have a baby? How was he able to leave so quickly? Where the fuck did all these years go? I need Kevin. I need to get to him, wherever he is. I need to get a phone and get the hell out of dodge.

The medication continues to wear off and I can feel my arms and shoulders. My legs are still pretty numb, but I can move my head and open my eyes. Slowly I squint into the light and see a tiny baby girl being carried to her bassinet. She is placed in there with no diaper or clothes. I know I packed an outfit, it’s for a boy but it’ll suit her too.

“My bag” I whisper. Nurse Gwen leaves and now it is just me and Nurse Maria. Thank goodness, she’s the nice one.

“There, there little one” she says to my daughter, “Don’t cry”.

She gives her a pacifier and it soothes her, but only for a moment as she is getting ready to leave.

“Leave her” I say in a low voice. They can’t take her away from me. I need to nurse her and hold her. I haven’t even thought of a name for her yet. Nurse Maria turns around and comes back to my bedside.

“Leaver her with me” I repeat.

Looking down at my daughter she responds, “She can’t stay with you. All daughters will eventually be mothers so she must stay with the others”.

My eyes swell with tears.

“But she’s my baby” I cry and reach for her. My legs still numb I can’t fight even if I tried. If I could get up, take her and run, I would. Maybe if I just play nice, I will be able to get out. Nurse Maria sees my distress and asks, “Can you feel your arms yet?”

I nod and she lifts my daughter from the bassinet and hands her to me. Her fresh pink skin is butter soft. She has the most perfect little red lips that take the shape of a heart and she has a tiny birth mark on her belly in the shape of a crescent moon. She also has a stork bite on the nape of her neck. Lore says that means she was kissed by an angel before getting here. I give her a kiss on her forehead and say, “Happy birthday baby girl, I love you”.

Nurse Maria takes her back and again places her in the bassinet. Together they leave my room and again I am tormented with incessant questions and a now a broken heart. Slowly my body regains its ability to move and I lay there, hopeless and tired. Now that the medication is wearing off, the pain in setting in. To be honest, I don’t mind feeling the pain. Without it, I would think I was dead. I stare at the wall for hours on end, when suddenly the door bursts open. I am hopeful it’s Kevin but instead it’s Nurse Gwen.

Great, the horrible one. I think to myself. I turn away from her and face the far wall again.

She rolls in a machine to take my blood pressure, oxygen and temperature.

When she lifts my arm, she places something in my hand. A note? As she logs the information into the computer she nods at me to read it.

I’m getting you out of here tonight. I’ll be back at 1 am. Stop talking to Maria.

I look up from the note careful not to look at Nurse Gwen.

“And why should I believe you?” I ask.

She lifts the walkie-talkie and says, “Because I’m the only hope you have left”. After that she leaves. I have no idea how far away 1 am is without a clock so I just painstakingly wait for time to pass.

I must have fallen asleep because I am being shaken awake by someone. Nurse Gwen, I think, she’s back so it must be time! As my eyes focus I see that it is actually Nurse Maria.

“Hello there” she says directly to me. I stare at her eyes that look black in this dim lighting and her smile sends a shiver through me. I don’t respond to her greeting so shes says, “I hear you’re trying to leave us?”

I shake my head to deny these very true allegations. That’s when she leans in closer and says, “If you ever want to see your daughter again, you are going to stay. You are going to follow the rules. You are going to stop asking questions” her face is inches away from mine. She has something in her hand, ready to put it in my I.V.

“No please, no more medication” I say.

“It’s the only way” she says to me as she slowly injects the medication and I let my head drift off. I hear her leave the room and peak one eye open to make sure the room is clear. The doors swings back open and I quickly shut my eyes to pretend to be asleep.

“Dammit” I hear Nurse Gwen say, “I knew I should have come sooner”.

I open my eyes and startled, Nurse Gwen jumps back with a shriek.

“You’re awake?” she asks astonished, “How?”

“After you left I tore a hole in the I.V. tube so it’s just been dripping on the floor” I say looking down at the small puddle. Nurse Gwen smiles and says, “Genius!”

“We need to move fast because Nurse Maria is on to us” I inform ready to make a move.

“I’m going to ‘check your vitals’ and you are going to be dead. I will cover you with a blanket and roll you out the door and into a truck with others. Once the truck stops, there will be a black pick-up truck, don’t ask questions just get in. I already brought you clothes to change into. Patients always leave here with their original clothes, even if they are dead. So. What do you think?” Nurse Gwen asks.

“Have you ever done this before?” I ask.

“Too many times to count” she says.

“Can I bring my daughter?” I ask her.

“I’m sorry, you can’t” she says.

“I can’t leave without her. If she’s here then I have to stay too”

“Listen, she’s safe here for now. You on the other hand are not. They are ready to inseminate you in another couple weeks for you to have another baby. You lost a lot of blood this time, the next time will very likely kill you” Nurse Gwen tells me.

I ponder this for a minute and come up with an idea.

“What if we pretend my daughter also died?” I ask.

Nurse Gwen is silent for a moment and then says, “It’s too risky. First we need to get you out. Then I will come up with a way to get her out, but it can’t be tonight”

My eyes burn with tears and a wave of grief washes over. Grief for a life I have always craved and will now never know.

“Promise me we will get her out” I grab Nurse Gwen’s wrist and stare hard into her eyes.

“I promise” she hesitates.

I look down at my hands that moments ago were holding my precious daughter. Blood from her exit stained on to my gown.

“What year is it?” I ask. Nurse Gwen looks puzzled at my question.

“It’s 2041? Didn’t you know that?” she asks, “Are you having memory issues?”

“No, no. I was just confused, I thought I heard the doctor say it was a different year” I say afraid she may back out of the plan if I tell her my memory is gone. I can tell by the way she’s looking at me that she knows I’m lying.

“What year do you think it is?” she asks me.

I pause before answering, “2028”.

“That was the year you were admitted here” she says.

“What happened?” I ask hoping she’ll give me the truth.

“Nuclear war happened” she continues, “You were here in 2028 to have a boy. I remember because I helped deliver him. He was so beautiful” she falls away to the memory.

“And then what happened?”

“He was small and his lungs were under developed so he was admitted to the NICU. You were recovering and while at the hospital the California was hit was a nuclear weapon. Although we are on the opposite coast, we didn’t know what would happen so we transported everyone underground. During that time, we lost all power, access to water, heat, everything was down and the generators weren’t enough to power what we needed. So without all the necessary equipment, your son passed away” she tells me.

“But— where was I? Wasn’t I here to be with him?”

“You were. You held him as he slipped away” she said.

“What were you talking about when you said it was my fault I did Ancestry?”

She looks embarrassed now realizing I overheard the conversation.

“Your DNA came back is the most likely to survive and thrive during this nuclear war. Millions of people died. Human population is severely low so the government set up a program to ensure our survival. You and your husbands DNA was considered elite so they used it to keep reproducing. It’s not just your DNA that was being abused. Hospitals all over the country are implementing the same government programs. The more babies you produce, the more funding you get”

“How many children have I had?” I ask fearing the answer.

“After today, twelve” she says.

My mind can’t comprehend what she just told me. There is no way I could have had twelve children.

“But why don’t I remember any of this?”

She takes a deep breath and admits, “Nurse Maria. She’s infamous for giving patients enough drugs to impair all parts of their brain. It keeps patients co-operative and vulnerable”

“So the last like decade is just gone from my memory forever?” I ask.

“Not forever. Bits and pieces will come back over time. The best thing we can do now is get you out of here” she says.

“Okay, let’s do this” I say.

I lay completely still as I am being loaded into a truck. There are people talking but my heart is beating so loudly in my ears that I have no idea what they are saying. Eventually the doors lock shut and we begin to move. We drive for hours before making a stop. I question if this is the stop I am supposed to escape. I move from under the white blanket and examine the room around me. There are plenty of bodies, all dead, just laying around. I even see a few small blankets and look away from the pain of children being in here with me. I open the door and peek out. We are stopped at a gas station and there is a black pick-up truck parked just ahead. That must be it. A bit of nerves and hope flutter through me. I have to go now! Just as I’m about to jump from the truck, a small whine comes from the back. Was there another person still alive in here?

I make my way toward the back, “Hello?” I whisper, “Is there anyone in here?”

I get no answer, but that small whine turns into a big cry.

It’s a baby!

I search the truck, I have only seconds to get out of this truck and into the next. I pray that the driver can’t hear the crying. My search finally comes to an end after I lift up a squirming white blanket. I wrap the baby up in the blanket and jump out the back of the truck. I make a run for the black pick-up and jump in without a second thought.

“Seraphine?” a man’s voice says. I turn and to my shock I see him.

“Kevin?” my voice shakes. He embraces me and holds my face as if this is just a fever dream and we are both afraid to wake up.

The baby begins to cry again and we both look down.

“This is our daughter” I say. He touches her face and then mine again.

“I can’t believe you’re here. I’ve been helping women escape that hospital for years and lost all hope I’d ever see you again” he admits.

I pull him in and kiss him hard, “I’m here. We are here” I state. He lightly touches the top of our daughter’s head and asks, “What’s her name?” He puts the car in drive and we turn the opposite way of the hospital truck. Never again will I

“I’m thinking Gwen” I say smiling down at our world wonder.

“I love it. Hello Gwen” he says.