𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻

Adventure

Written in response to: "Suitcase in hand, you head to the station." as part of Second Person.

Suitcase in hand, you head to the station. At the station, there is a great hustle and bustle; everyone is fighting to reach the booking window. New day, new people. An old man's pocket is picked. He starts to shout. You cast a look at his direction, but instantly regret it; he isn't just an ordinary old man. His colorless eyes don't even reflect light and make him look blind. In addition to this, he has a hunchback. You start to look away but your eyes fall on his hands, they are bloodied and wrinkled, scattered with lines. He starts running in your direction, but you move in feverish haste, anxious to get going. You zigzag around groups of people and notice, with some relief, that you have lost him.


Next on the scene, comes a group of young adults, all girls. The tallest one is fair-skinned, dressed in a plain white tee and khaki pants with minimal makeup. The second tallest is blonde, somewhat fragile, intelligent in expression. She is wearing a black tank top and beige capri pants. The third and the last one has sleek and chic strawberry blonde hair, her face caked in makeup. She is chewing gum, occasionally popping it. She looks at you and winks flirtatiously as if she knows you have been here all along. You feel your face flushed and thus, you quickly look away. Again!


You smell food and realize just how hungry you are. Quickly you move towards the source of the tantalizing aroma only to realize the seller is a poor vendor. "Do you want some samosas, bhai?" he smiles a crooked smile. You smile in return, not knowing that he just called you his brother and feel your pocket for the money, only to realize the horrifying truth: you forgot your wallet in the cab. Thankfully it didn't have much except for money, of course. Your smile instantly vanishes. The vendor notices your worry and speaks up, "It's okay, bhai. You can have the samosas for free," and he hands over to you not only the samosas but the chutney along with it too. He smiles his crooked smile again and leaves.

Food delivery apps spice up Indian train journeys - SAMAA


The train arrives. You proceed hoping to have a window seat, only to get pushed by the rowdy woman who is almost dragging her wailing son along with her. You start moving into the train again, only to get interrupted by the muffled giggles of the young girls you saw earlier. "Hi, I'm Zoe," the strawberry blonde speaks not realizing that she is blocking the way of numerous others behind her. She is fluttering her eyelashes all innocent-like, not knowing that now isn't the time to do so. It's your duty, therefore, to speak up. You clear your throat and she gets the signal. She stops staring at you and goes to sit with her friends. You notice the young man, sitting three paces away at his usual place, by the window. His hands full like always. Out of the blue, the man lifts his gaze and looks at you right in the eye. The gaze sends a chill down your spine and causes the hair on your neck to rise so you quickly look away. Again!


Once you are seated, there comes a hostess who offers you, your favorite fresh juice but you refuse it. Your mind keeps ticking as to why did you refuse it minutes after she leaves. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. But you don't get the answer. The woman on your left taps you gently on your shoulder. You ignore the tapping but rather focus on your brain's ticking. You get distracted again when the woman on your left taps you again, urgently this time. You look over at her, extremely irritated by her behavior, only to realize she is throwing up in a sickness bag ( she is maybe prone to motion sickness ). The bad smell nauseates you and you get up to sit somewhere else. 


You are moving through the aisle, unable to find a vacant seat when you see her. Your heart skips a beat. Zita, you whisper. Those same ocean blue eyes. Her pale features obscured by knotty brown hair curled at the ends. She is smiling. Oh, that million-dollar smile you'd give anything for. She is dressed in a loose-fitting vintage dress and flat shoes. Mesmerized by her beauty, you forget that you aren't at home. Neither is this woman, Zita. Sighing, you move forward.


You grab a seat by the window.


The train switches tracks. The environment becomes uneasy: you hear the soft cry of a baby which gradually becomes loud and rhythmic. Suddenly a woman shouts, loud and clear. People get up to see the source of the shout and so do you. As expected, it is the same rowdy woman whom you had encountered earlier. You smirk and get going. But then reality slaps you on the face. You reminisce about the days with your cruel stepmother: you think about her sadistic pleasure in tormenting you, her vicious plans and you shudder.

Quarantines, school shutdowns may cause a surge in child abuse ...


This is God's way of showing you not to forget your past. You say a silent prayer and go to sleep.


The train stops. Everyone is rushing out to freshen up themselves but you don't move. Lazy brat, you can hear your step mom's voice again. Your eyelids droop and you try to go back to sleep. "I know that you aren't sleeping, only your eyes are closed," the scent of strawberry and mint fills the air and reminds you of Zita again! You stay still, pretending not to have heard the speaker. She taps her feet on the floor, and when you don't pay attention to her, the tapping intensifies. You smile even though your eyes are still closed. 'Well, I am going," and that is when you recognize the voice. It's Zoe, the strawberry blonde. You sit up straight. She smiles over her victory and that smile reminds you of Zita again. "Hello, I'm Zoe!" she says her name again. You want to say 'I know' but your tongue betrays you and all you manage is "Mm-hmm". Zoe says something and asks a question in return but you can't concentrate because your brain is switching tracks again. Clickety-Clack. Clickety-Clack...


The train arrives at its destination. Everybody is getting off the train but you don't move. Finally, everyone is gone. Then comes the conductor. "Nowhere to go?" he asks the same question he has been asking for the past three years. You nod the same way too. Without asking anything further, he leaves. And it's just you and the train. Nobody knows it, except for you and the conductor: it is in hope of finding Zita that you have been coming here, every day, for the past three years.



But, instead of Zita, it has always been you and the train.

You and the train.

You and the train.






Posted Jun 21, 2020
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172 likes 204 comments

Zilla Babbitt
June 23, 2020 12:03

You asked me to read, so here I am.
So sweet! And unique. I like the incorporation of the pictures to the main part of the story.

Couple things: The transitions were a little choppy. Try just making it normal paragraphs not the curlicued breaks. And also... this was strange in an almost haunting way. You've set it all up to be a mystery or something, but then you leave it. That's fine, but I think if you put in WHY this person has such a strict regimen for years, it would really give lasting impact.

Unique, and I like the pictures. Keep it up!

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Batool Hussain
June 23, 2020 12:15

Thank you for the feedback:)

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Jubilee Forbess
June 21, 2020 14:09

Darn, I just hate it when blonde girls flirt with me shamelessly; so tragic. Unlike your story, which was marvelous! You’ve got the second person hook down, Batool!

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Batool Hussain
June 21, 2020 14:13

Thank you so much Rhondalise! Glad that you liked it!

Also, if you didn't already realize, I've mentioned you in my bio for your great skills, and I'll be happy if you do the same for me.
Thanks.

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Jubilee Forbess
June 21, 2020 14:15

I just noticed! And of course I’ll mention you. Give me a minute though to update the bio. 💕😂

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Niveeidha Palani
July 04, 2020 02:29

Wow, I love the pictures! They are totally new...you've actually been the first one to incorporate in pictures. Also, would you mind checking out my latest two stories, please? I would really love some feedback...

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Batool Hussain
July 04, 2020 07:00

Thanks.Sure I'll check out your stories in a while.

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Niveeidha Palani
July 05, 2020 01:26

Thank you Batool!

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Mira Caplan
June 28, 2020 13:44

I really liked it- it was a bit confusing to me at times, but I'm not at the level you are yet, so that's probably why. It was really good, that's all I can say!

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Batool Hussain
June 28, 2020 13:44

Thanks for the feedback🌸

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Mira Caplan
June 28, 2020 13:44

:)

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I. Love
June 26, 2020 18:13

I'm here with feedback as requested! :)
Some parts of the story were hard to follow and I feel like the descriptions of the characters could be more organic.
However, I did appreciate the fidelity to the train theme ("your brain is switching tracks again"), and the ending is what really sold the story for me.

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 18:25

Thanks for the feedback🌸

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I. Love
June 26, 2020 18:28

Happy to help!

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 18:33

😊
Also, Izzy it would mean so much to me if you check out my next story which I would be posting soon🙃🌈

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Esther Andrews
June 26, 2020 18:12

I really enjoyed this story. Good descriptive language and great twist at the end!

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 18:26

Thank you so much!!🙃

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Nandan Prasad
June 26, 2020 12:49

Great story! Loved the descriptions.

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 13:07

Thanks:)

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Rodrigo Juatco
June 26, 2020 11:48

Your writing is highly provocative and visually stimulating. There were so much texture to your descriptions. I could almost imagine myself there.

I enjoyed your story very much. Thank you.

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 12:03

You made my day, Rodrigo! Thank you so very much for such a sweet comment *_*

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Elle Clark
June 26, 2020 08:59

Hiya! You asked me to come and check this story out so here I am 🙂 This was very interesting and I like the rhythmic feeling that echoes the chugging of the train. I thought the ending answered some questions I had and rounded it off nicely but I have to confess that the bleeding man running towards the narrator in the first part of the story occupied my mind for the rest of it - I kept expecting him to appear and I was a bit confused when he didn’t. I would say that if you introduce such a sinister character but don’t intend to use them later in the story, perhaps include a line rounding off their part of the story (You zigzag around groups of people and notice, with some relief, that you have lost him. For example).

There are some punctuation errors that you may want to pick up on before this goes live too - some missed commas.

I liked the snapshot element of different people and their lives and how they intersect with the narrator. If you have a little more insight as to the motivation behind the narrator’s choice to keep boarding the same train every day, this would deepen the impact. This is a clever piece of writing! Keep it up. Hopefully this is useful feedback!

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 09:06

Thanks for the constructive feedback, Laura! I really appreciate it

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Elle Clark
June 26, 2020 09:14

You’re welcome! If you have any constructive feedback for any of mine, I always love hearing ways to improve.

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 09:21

I'll gladly go through your pieces. Though, I doubt they would be requiring any suggestions from a new writer like me.
Also, I added a little new line near the end of this story. If you don't mind, will you please check it out and tell whether or not it goes well with the story. Sorry to bother you but I'm only asking for help because I'm very new to Reedsy(as I mentioned before)
Thanks.

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Elle Clark
June 26, 2020 10:00

Oh that line rounds it off much better. Inspired! I’m a new writer too though - I’ve only been writing for about 8 weeks and only on here for 4 weeks - we’re probably comparable in experience!

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 11:29

Thank you. So glad that you reviewed my story before it went live. Also, I'm really surprised that you're new too. Glad, glad, glad that I found you^_^

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Cathy Deal
June 25, 2020 23:55

Great details. Good work

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 05:32

Thank youu!

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June 25, 2020 20:05

I really want to know about the narrator's past. The relationship between them and Zita. Will they meet again? How will it go? The history of their stepmother and her cruelties...it draws me in to want to know more. Excellent read.

I would love to know what you think about my story Worth the World.

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 05:28

Hello, Catherine! I'm glad that you liked it. And, about the narrator's past, I'm thinking of posting another story based on it, if and only if we get any related prompt :)

I'll check out your story in a while.

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Maggie Bruggeling
June 25, 2020 19:55

This was a very unique story, Batool! I loved the pictures; you truly made me feel like a part of this story. Transitions could be a little better; it was a bit choppy. But other than that, wonderful story!

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 05:23

Thank you so much!

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A O
June 25, 2020 19:03

Wow, well written and haunting.

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Batool Hussain
June 26, 2020 05:16

Thankk you:)

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Khizra Aslam
June 25, 2020 17:12

Damn.. this one is amazing.. I loved it..keep going ❤
I will love to read more stories from you❤

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Batool Hussain
June 25, 2020 17:15

Thank you so much, Khizra! *_*

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Mara C
June 25, 2020 16:31

Wow! Wonderful writing! Well done :-)

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Batool Hussain
June 25, 2020 16:57

Thank youu!

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Jessica X
June 25, 2020 15:25

Hi! I really enjoyed reading your story! I liked how it really showed the chaos of going on a train with a lot of people moving! You did a great job writing with second person too! The only thing I would say that could be a tiny bit different would be to elaborate more on the main character because most of the story is just focused on what's happening on the train and at the train station, so I think it would be a little more interesting if the main character had a back story or something. Really nice job though!! You're a great writer! :)

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Batool Hussain
June 25, 2020 15:43

Thanks, Jessy(if I can call you that?) Your feedback means a lot. I'm really happy that you took out time to give constructive feedback:) Actually, this was my very first time writing a story based on the second POV, I'm glad that you liked it^_^

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Ken Coomes
June 25, 2020 13:28

Good job - hooked me in, and made me want to read more.

It may not be worth considering, but I wonder if switching from the brain ticking and tick-tock to the brain switching tracks again clickety-clack, tying into the train theme, might work?

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Batool Hussain
June 25, 2020 13:43

Thanks for the feedback! I love it^_^

I'll definitely try to fit 'clickety-clack' in :)

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ISmell Sarcasm
June 24, 2020 16:27

Hello! You asked me to read your story and I really liked it
You have just enough detail to allow readers to get into the mind of the character and the images were a very nice detail
One thing I'd say can be improved would be the focus of the story, at times it kind of felt it was jumping around from one thing to another and it made it a little hard to tell what you wanted to say

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Batool Hussain
June 24, 2020 16:59

Thanks for the feedback:)

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ISmell Sarcasm
June 24, 2020 21:56

No problem! :)

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Mehak Aneja
June 24, 2020 11:51

The story was great. The idea of putting the pictures was great and went perfectly with the story. Great work.

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Batool Hussain
June 24, 2020 12:13

Thank you so much:)

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Lata B
June 23, 2020 20:17

This is very creative! I enjoyed reading it very much! Great story!

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Batool Hussain
June 24, 2020 06:07

Thank you so much! Your comment means a lot :)

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June 23, 2020 15:00

As you requested, here I am giving you feedback on this story!
This story was great and you nailed the second person narrative! I love all of your works, but I believe that this one is my favorite! I can't wait to read more. I also really loved the addition of the pictures!
I did notice just a few grammatical errors.
Keep writing and stay safe! :) -Brooke

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Batool Hussain
June 23, 2020 15:48

Thank you so much, Brooke! I'm so glad that you liked it:)
Stay safe!

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June 23, 2020 15:50

My pleasure! :)

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Batool Hussain
June 23, 2020 15:52

:)

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Kathleen March
June 21, 2020 13:54

The narrator refuses to let go of the reader, even though he is supposedly talking to himself. Reality is nicely suspended. Do check on comma usage and note that the verb is vanish (without away). The train is the perfect motif for the obsessive narrator.

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Batool Hussain
June 21, 2020 13:59

Thank you, Kathleen! I'll be grateful if you give views on my future pieces too:)

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Kathleen March
June 21, 2020 15:54

If you like, sure. You can also suggest ones you particularly want feedback on.

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Batool Hussain
June 21, 2020 16:09

Sure!

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Uzonna Cyril
June 30, 2020 07:32

It's fascinating the ease with which you got the second person flowing all through unlike the struggle I had for days figuring how to make it and struggling not to deviate with the actual writing.

Your link to meet paragraph was a sharp one and ran all through but the end was abrupt, not foreseen to be coming. And.......... What of poor Zita, maybe we fill that up. Lollll. Nice read.

Missing ribs, dark night, chikamnene are to my credit, your criticisms will be welcomed.

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Batool Hussain
June 30, 2020 07:37

I'll surely check them out soon!

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Deidra Glaser
June 30, 2020 03:25

Hi! I just read your story and it was very fun to read. I was quite entertained. It was an easy read. I really liked how you were able to "show your story" and not "tell your story." I was really able to follow the character and actions in my head, Good job!

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Batool Hussain
July 01, 2020 08:03

Thank you so much!

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VJ Hamilton
June 30, 2020 01:02

You asked for comment on your story; here goes.
I thought you evoked the place well with specific and vivid descriptions.
The sense of deja vu grewe stronger as the story went on.
I wondered: what the heck is going on here?
Then boom, nice twist at the end.

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Batool Hussain
July 01, 2020 08:04

Hehe, thanks!

Reply

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