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Miles Gatling

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Nov, 2019

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488 Followers
640 Following

78 Stories

1619 karma pts

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Dish

Today we will be writing a Gatling classic: violence with a side of toilet humor. For this, you will need the following ingredients: 1 angry male, Y chromosome protagonist A pinch of injustice and malice1 fresh baby. 1 or 2 villains 1 tall glass of dialogViolence, as many pounds as you can fit in 1000 words1000 words. Method Step 1 Even if the kitchen is the natural habitat of the double X chromosome hero, they lack the crude humor that their male counterparts exhibit. Amy Schumer is an exception and is so funny. You can pick...

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Grinder? I hardly know her

The black spot on the wall kept growing. That’s how his wife could tell he’d be grinding. David would carefully sweep the black powder from the stone floor after every session. He wiped the windows, cleaned the sink, and opened the garage door to air out the place. But that one spot on the wall next to his workbench always told the truth. The power of those tiny metal shards flying into the wall impressed David the first time he held the angle grinder in his hands. He saw fire, he saw smoke, felt the tremble in his arms, felt the metal give ...

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But what I do have are a very particular set of skills

“Write it down, every last detail. I already know what you did, you piece of shit.”“Confess to what you wack job? I don't know what the hell you're talking about?”“Refusing to cooperate? I'll laugh my ass off when they throw the book at you.”“Throw the what? What are you talking about?”“A wise guy, eh? Do you know what they do to wise guys in prison? You better spill the beans: where's Little Tony?”“Look, mister -”“That's detective to you, punk.”“Detective I'm not lying, I swear. I have no idea who Fat Tony is or where he might be.”“Aha, so ...

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The jewel of Grjnztwxu™

Eternal rest calls to you, hero. Your time must not run out until the jewel of Grjnztwxu rests in the Palace of Wonders once again. Make haste, for the fate of all humanity rests on your shoulders. Rise out of the ashes and walk the earth once more. < casts resurrection > Well then that’s that, where’s my sudoku? Has anyone seen my sudoku? Like a piece of paper with checkers on it, haven’t you seen one before? Enlighten me, what do they call it in Sparta? Gay. That’s funny… You’re a funny man, are you sure you were a soldier and not a ...

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That Artemas guy sure can sing

Don’t come over, don’t come over. Fuck. “Hi, wow you look amazing! That dress is stunning, just…so beautiful.”“Thank you darling, it's so good to see you. I thought you left the city years ago.”“No, I live here. I work at-”“Remember spring break in Bushy Creek? Where does the time go?”“I remember you stole my boyfriend and left me alone in the woods, soaking wet.”“How we laughed, you were a wild one.”“A bear chased me up a tree.”“Oh darling, don't be so dramatic. Bears can’t climb.” I swear if this cunt says one more word i’ll go postal 2 on...

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Rated R for pirates

“Quick use your mighty ass, Red Plug! It's the only way to stop that all-powerful woman who has butt one weakness.”“I can’t, Emo Claws. Not even my ass is a match for her wisdom, power, and plot armor. We must explore our feminine side and talk about our feelings so she can take pity on us.”“At least make fun of her baldness or something. You sound hopeless.”“Alopecia is no laughing matter, Emo Claws. I will release her from death’s grip and put both of us at her mercy.” Come closer there’s plenty of room up front. Did you enjoy the movie? W...

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Tits butt a dream

The coffee was piping hot but she wrapped the thing in a cardboard sleeve. He picked the single seat table. Unfortunately it was positioned in direct view of the counter. The cardboard or plastic cup sat on the counter steaming ever so gently.“Excuse me, is this for Frank?”She stared with her raccoon eyes, the dark eyeliner extending to her nostrils.“It's for Foe, can't you read?” she hissed, her stud hitting the metal wire that crushed her crooked teeth in position. How her tongue didn't get stuck in those brackets is a mystery. She was lit...

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Force it in you, force be with you...

“It’s called an action figure, you fucking cunt.” Skip to the end if you don’t want Star Trek spoilers. It’s just dialog with “cunt” sprinkled throughout. “The only action that toy will see is you wanking away at print screens of Syndulla. Old man Henry could lend you one of his goats if you like horns.”“They’re not horns, they're called lekku. It’s an appendage that grows from their skull. I like her because she leads the rebellion, the fight against -.”“You like her because of those mommy milkers. Who the fuck brings their kid on space mis...

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Roses are red

It wore his skin flawlessly. It looked like any other: dancing, feasting, weighing in on current affairs. One would have to regard it closely to see the sum of all that is dark dwelling inside. Its eyes froze men in place and made women sigh.  The dance was in full swing. Jolly, colorful musicians strung their instruments. A tune from the far east filled the hall bringing visions of sand dunes, of pointy towers, of figs and spice. Draped in gold and white linen the beautiful Harrisa spun on her bare feet. Her laugh echoed violently thro...

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Mom in the cockpit

Are you talking to me? Who do you think you talking to you stupid cocksucker, fuckin fuck-Melvin? Are you on the phone?Yes. I'm talking to my friends.Ok. Do I know their mothers?I play online with them. Don't worry about it.Ok, text me if you need anything.I will, mom.Alright where was I.You. Talking to me? Come on keep the flow going. Are you. Talking to me. I better write this down.Would you like burgers for dinner?Mom, did you say something?Melvin, open your door. I said do you want burgers for dinner?Yeah that sounds great, thanks.What a...

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It's fine

“Name?”“Stan Smith.”“Your total is 23,3.”“I thought it was 20. That’s the price on the shelf.”“Stan Smith. The number 4 symbolizes stability, reliability, and hard work, while the number 1 embodies independence, leadership, and new beginnings. Together, they suggest a blend of ambition, diligence, and a drive to take the lead. Today's resonance however is five so your total embodies 23,3. It’s in the stars. Touch the pad, please.” Stan shuffled to his car parked under a cedar tree. The wind must have picked up last night because his win...

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Nailed it

“How much for these over here?” the tall man in overalls asked.“Those are brand new, I just got them this morning. Check them out,” the toothless clerk said, gently handing over a torch. “This bad boy right here can burn for twelve hours straight no wind is gonna be strong enough to put these out.”The tall man studied the torch admiring its craftsmanship. He ran his fingers over the leather wrapping and smelled the soaked rags.“I can hardly smell anything. Are you sure this stuff will burn?”“Mister, that is the torch they use in Base One. Yo...

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Light crystal

“Namaste! You are welcomed in the Temple of Light.”“Hi, thank you so much. It’s beautiful in here.”“I’m going to have to ask you to lower your voice…”“Oh, right, my bad. Sorry about that.”“You see, we believe in the healing properties of silence, both in body, mind, and spirit.”“I should send my ex-wife. She wouldn’t last a minute in this place.”“Follow me into the foyer. I bet you are excited to begin.”Wow, get a load of this place. It’s shiny and smells like those tiny twigs that moms set on fire. Where is this guy taking me? How long is a...

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I mean, it's obvious.

I mean, it’s obvious. There’s no doubt about it. If there was any other way…But clearly, it must be done. Now is it the ideal situation? Should an alternative pop up would I consider it? Of course, I intend to avoid this by all means, but there’s just no getting around this problem.  Maybe calling it a  problem is an exaggeration. It’s mostly an inconvenience, a pain in my side. It doesn’t impede my work or affect my overall health. It doesn’t take that much time out of my day. I admit it’s not easy to navigate these days with all...

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Steve Fitniss

The damp forest air clung to Steve's clothes. His pace slowed down to crawl as the sunlight quickly faded. He cut his forearms on jagged branches in an attempt to keep both his eyes in his skull and not have them dangling from a pine tree.  Even though Steve jumped at the sound of every branch cracking, every critter scurrying about the forest floor, he marched ahead. An orange flame flickered on the horizon and Steve sighed. Brushing aside the last of the forest pines the man stood before a clay hut, an old hermit stirring into a cau...

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