Memories

Tasteless. Bitter. Thick. Dry.

She licked her lips. Dry as the Saharan, she ran her tongue along the roof of her mouth. Morning light glistened off the water in the wash basin.

Inviting. Refreshing. Calling to her.

But she knew…she knew better. The wash basin hadn’t been full of warm water since that day. Closing her eyes, she took a breath. The day he left.

Welcoming. As if calling her by name. Her eyes closed, the voice cracked, like trying to speak around broken glass.

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“Cass.”

A brush along her eye lids. A cool breath on her cheek. The warmth of brownies fresh out of the oven. Sunlight poured on to her skin, coasting along the freckled skin of her arms.

“Cassidy Jane.”

Wind rustled her black curls. A laugh danced from the dew filled grass behind her. She turned, her yellow sundress floating around her.

“Cassidy Jane Miller.”

There he stood, a smile as broad as the Hollywood sign dimpling his sun-tanned cheek. His was a smile she’d never forget. It filled her body with a warmth that not even the sun could provide. A lilted giggle escaped her lungs as she ran through the grass green meadow that was saturated with wine colored, cerulean, and buttery wildflowers. She jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. His hair was soft as she ran a hand through the cocoa brown locks. Her brown eyes met his hazel ones as their noses brushed against each other.

“I never thought I’d see you again.”

She tilted her head before shaking it. Sighing, she ran her fingers along his three day shadow before they settled on his bottom lip. Taking in a deep breath, her lips settled on his.

Waiting. Always.

His fingers ran themselves into her curls as he moved his lips, their rhythm unmatched. A pulse only their bodies were attuned to.

He could have her. All of her. Every piece of her soul. He didn’t need to ask permission. It was already his. It had been for years. He was finally taking advantage of that and to her, it was euphoria.

Every breath. Every smile. Every innocent brush of hands.

“Cassidy Jane Miller.”

Through heavy breaths, her name was a song in her chest as it left his lips.

“Don’t ever leave me. Promise me. Please.”

She shook her head. Her eyes full of her promise. She rested her head in the crook of his neck. Her nose brushed the warm skin of his collar bone. His blue, cotton camos tickled the shell of her ear. She took in a breath.

“Always. Always and forever.”

She whispered her words against his skin as he pulled her closer. His hands weighed against her waist, bunching her dress in the curls of his fingers. She pulled back, lids heavy, as a smile took her lips.

“You promise? To never leave…to never leave me?”

Her curls bounced against her shoulders as she gave her silent yes.

“I need more than that.”

She shook her head. That smile still playing on her lips.

“I’m serious, Cass.”

The weight of his hands left her side as they dropped down to her hips. The furrow between his brows made an appearance as his eyes begged the question. The weighted question of five years of longing and waiting. Five years of drunken days, wasted lovers, wetted cheeks, and broken hearts.

Still mending. Still longing. Still waiting.

“Always, always and forever, I promise to love you Carter James. Til my lungs no longer hold air. Til my eyes no longer dance with yours. I will be here. I will never leave your side.”

She pulled their lips together. Saltwater mixed with the taste of warm brownies fresh from the oven filled her mouth. Their tongues dancing with each other in a familiar cadence.

Passion. Air. Warmth.

“I love you Cassidy Jane. More than life itself.”

He spun her. Another laugh escaping her lungs. It was music to his ears. His head began to spin and he slowed down, collapsing into the warm, summer grass. She landed on top of him. His hands held her firmly in place. His thumbs painting swirls along the skin of her thighs. He looked up into her eyes.

“Why, Carter James, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your smile so big.”

His hands snaked their way around her back before flipping them over. He hovered above her as he settled his legs on either side of her.

“Well Miss Miller, I’ve never been this happy.”

Their lips met once more, each devouring the words the other didn’t say out loud.

Euphoria.

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Tears spilled from her brown eyes. Down her cheeks into the crevices of her collarbone. Her eyes opened once more.

The wash basin stood empty still. No water had filled it during the memory that drove the wetness that now plastered her hair and cheeks.

Cassidy sighed and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Her feet hit the cold, wood floor. She ran her hands over her face. The saltwater on her cheeks had tightened the skin around her mouth. She took in another deep breath as she stood. A small smile played on her lips as she shuffled her way into the kitchen to make some coffee. The tips of her toes grazed the rug below them as she reached into the top cabinet. She grabbed a mug from the middle shelf.

A cold breath made the hair on the back of her neck stand. Her heart startled. The mug slipped from her fingers. The ceramic shattered in fragments on the floor. Cocoa powder dust drifted into her lungs.

Euphoria.

Then…

Change.

Dry. Bitter. Thick.

She left the ceramic in pieces on the floor. The coffee forgotten. The memories…well the memories drifted back.

Anger. Longing. Waiting.

Waves of dark water spilled from her eyes, mixing with the taste of bitter cocoa on her tongue. She slid down the cabinets, tears pooling at her tear ducts. She held her head between her knees.

Coldness. Bitterness. Memories she longed to forget.

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She reached on her tip toes to get a plate for his breakfast from the top cabinet. Their cat, Harvey, scurried between her legs and the dish slipped from her hand, smashing to pieces when it hit the hardwood floor.

“Dammit Cassidy. You’re so clumsy. Can you for once not screw my morning up?”

Angry eyes.

A swift hand.

Carter held his hand within his own, massaging his now red palm. He sighed and looked over at her. Shaking his head, he made his way back into their small bedroom to get ready for the day. He came out in his dress blues as she picked the pieces of the plate up off the floor.

“I’ll see you at the ceremony. Okay love?”

Cassidy nodded her head. Her lips turned up in a smile that didn’t brighten her hazel eyes. He walked out the door, his white hat held between his arm and ribs. She went to get dressed. The setting powder leaving behind a heavy dusting on the cut his ring left on her cheekbone.

Anger. Impatience. Non-forgiveness.

“How hard is it for you to understand that I don’t want you dressing like that, Cassidy? Like some random floozy off the street. I don’t work my ass off all day so you can go and shop for clothes that show you off to the world.”

They stood outside the auditorium as Cassidy worried the hem of her dress between her fingers.

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Tasteless. Dry. Bitter.

The words echoed in her head. The waves continued. Not letting up no matter how she tried. She held her hand over her cheek, caressing the once warm spot his hand had left all that time ago. A scarred laid there now. Her brown eyes opened as a single tear ran between her fingers. Lips trembling, salt water stung the phantom cut on her cheekbone.

A heavy hand. A weighted scar. A broken promise.

A distant ringing pulled Cassidy from her memory. She wiped the back of her hand across her eyes. Lashes still damp with tears. She picked herself up off the floor and went in search of her phone.

Jaimie, the I.D. read.

“You ready, Cass?”

Cassidy heaved a deep sigh and looked down at her dress.

“I need to change again. Give…me a…” she cleared the heaviness from her throat, “few minutes.”

Jaimie swallowed on the other end of the line. “Cass.” The line was already dead.

As Cassidy was changing from one black dress to another, her friend stepped into her room. She felt Jaimie’s thin fingers zip up the back of her dress before she turned her around and pulled her into a brief hug.

“Hey, chin up kid. Remember what today is. Today is the day we bury his sorry ass. Today is the day you let him go once and for all.”

The wash basin would never be filled with warm water again. Brownies would never taste the same again. She would never know pain again.