One Last Trip

My hands shook as I looked into the bill in my hands. A world had appeared within its folds—a vast landscape filled with particles. I had to be dreaming. I turned the bill sideways, getting a better view of the people living inside the bill.

“Are you going to give me my change?” I looked up, realizing I was at work.

Or was I? I stared at the woman in front of me. She could be a figment of my imagination. I waved a hand in front of her face.

“Are you crazy? Give me my fucking change!” She slammed her hand on the counter. That’s one way to kill a buzz.

I quickly opened up the register. Riffling through the bills.

“Hurry up. I’m tired of ya shit. Stop playing with me when I’m in this store!”

“I’m about to give you your change. Calm down,” I put my hands up. I tried to calm her down.

“You’re working, right?” She turns her head condescendingly, “Then you should work then.”

“This bitch,” This is why I hate working here.

“What did you say to me?” The woman became more animated. Waving her arms and yelling. I yelled back.

“Is there a problem here?” Joe stepped in, my boss.

“He won’t give me my change.”

“It’s right here,” I pointed to the change I had placed during her rant on the counter, giving her a smirk. She looked down at the change.

“Whatever. I’m never coming back here again.” She snatched her change back, leaving the store.

Joe sighed, hands on his hips. Here we go.

“You look tired, Alex.” He tells me.

“That’s weird, all I do is sleep, Joe.”

“You’ve been really late recently. And you’ve been fighting customers-”

“You know how they get.” I interrupt.

“I know. Just get some sleep, Alex. I’m worried about you.” Another lecture from the wise old guy, nice.

‘He really needs a breath mint.’

“I know you’re a good kid.”

‘We sell them too.’ I look at the breath mints on the counter, hoping he grabs some.

“Are you listening?”

“Yeah,” I feel like it’s somehow getting worse.

“Just keep up the good work, Alex.” Joe finally leaves.

I never realized it, but he has hair growing in his ear. Not on, in. Does that happen when you’re old? Do I have to get old? I should buy an ear trimmer. Is that what that’s called? If it isn’t, I should definitely start that business; the Joes of the world will thank me. And their unsolicited employees. I should get a nail clipper too. I looked down at my nails; they were getting long.

A ring told me a customer had entered. I moved through the rest of the workday languidly.

Locking up the store, I walked home, bag slung over my shoulder. Feeling the roll of bills in my pocket, I walked away happy. I had started skimming a little off the top the day I started working for Joe. It wasn’t my fault he had such an outdated system.

‘It’s not like Joe’s paying me a fair wage for what I do over there anyway.’

Walking into my house. I rushed into the shower. I didn’t want to meet Danielle with Joe’s breath all over me. What if she broke up with me because I stink?

Stepping out of a very refreshing, but quick shower, I threw on a quick change of clothes. I grabbed my bag and walked down the stairs. I saw my mom sitting in the kitchen, hunched over a laptop.

“Hey, how was work?” She says, smiling at me, but I notice the dark circles under her eyes. And I need sleep?

“Where’s dad?” I went and grabbed an apple.

“He’s still at work, honey.”

“That’s on brand.” Taking a bite of the apple, I went to leave the house.

“Joe’s a good boss.” My mom says.

“But his breath stinks,” I responded, not leaving just yet.

She laughs, “really?” I nod. “Don’t tell him that.”

“Then can I at least tell him to get an ear trimmer?” I take another bite of the apple. This was a good apple. Looking down, I saw that my bite marks had streaks of blood indented into the apple. Shit.

“What is that?” My mom asks. My heart skipped 3 beats before I realized she was still talking about the trimmers.

“I knew they weren’t a thing,” I sighed before speaking hopefully, “Mom, do you have a couple grand to throw at a business idea?”

“Alex, you’ve been really strange recently.” She started, “And I know-”

“What are you even talking about? I’m perfectly fine. Why are you calling your son weird anyway?”

“Son, you’re washing an apple right now.” Looking down, I was indeed washing the apple I was eating. I slammed the apple into the trash can.

“Whatever, I’m so done with this.” I walked out of the house, blood pounding in my ears. I didn’t feel right. I felt lightheaded, but I knew I wouldn’t pass out. Because I hadn’t before.

Getting off the train, I walked to Danielle’s house. Looking out into the dancing buildings, I couldn’t help but dance with them. Buildings were as strange as the way we walked. Why do we force ourselves to walk in certain ways? Why can’t we just skip our way to places? People would be much happier.

“Watch it, freak,” Like the guy I had just bumped into. What made him label me as a freak?

“Suck my dick, Flanders.” I flipped him off.

Entering her building, I made my way inside. She had let me know that her mom wasn’t home before I came over. And we didn’t have to worry about her dad; he left years ago.

“Hey, babe.” Letting my bag fall to the floor, I brought her up into a tight hug. We technically hadn’t seen each other in only a day or 2, but each trip could feel like a lifetime. And I missed her.

“Hey, love,” Her hands roamed into my shirt. Tracing the muscles in my arm, “I got something new for us.”

“Did you already get bored with cocaine?” My shoulders slumped in mock sadness.

“We can have some of that too,” She responded sarcastically.

“What did you get?” I noticed her suppressed excitement.

“Rodney said that this stuff is insane. This stuff will have you rolling on the ground and barking like a dog,” She said, digging through a bag and taking out a tube of pills, “Didn’t you always want to try Molly?”

“I don’t know about barking, but if you want to act like a dog, you can do that on top of me.” I pulled her into my arms.

“Woof,” We broke out into laughter.

Taking 2 pills for myself, I downed them. Danielle shortly followed.

“Are we going to start this time with our tradition as well?” I asked while pulling her into another hug from behind.

“Of course,” She kissed me, and I kissed her back.

Minutes later, I was dancing on the roof. The wind picked up my hair and tied it into braids. Exiting that vision, I realized I was still inside Danielle. I shifted my attention to a beauty mark on her skin.

I stood on an island. I hadn’t had water in hours. The island was expansive. The sand turned into glass beads that decided to grow into bubbles that Danielle and I stood on top of. Or lie on top of. I looked down, and the whole city stood below us. The oppressive coldness of the city was finally far away from me.

I didn’t want this feeling to end. I didn’t want to join the rest of the people in the world in their monotony. I wanted to dance when I wanted. Taking out my phone, I tried to get some service.

Dropping my phone, I focused on the sensations coming from Danielle for a moment. The city came back into focus as we appeared on her living room floor.

Breathless, I moved to put on the clothes that I had taken off for some reason.

“What are you doing?” Danielle asked, still naked, lying on the floor. What were we doing? We’re both naked. Breathless. I connected the dots. Her left breast is bigger than the other one. Huh. That’s weird.

“We have to leave the city,” I told her, still staring at her breast.

“You’re right, let’s go.” Putting on her clothes, she grabbed our stuff and left her house with me.

We took the train to where I knew of a car we could take. I’m sure my sister won’t mind. All eyes were on us while we made our way to the car. Which made me want to leave even more.

“Do you feel that?” Danielle asks me. Holding me tighter.

“Yeah,” They must be aware that we’re trying to leave. I’m glad Danielle stopped talking as well.

After a stressful train ride, we stood in front of my sister’s car. That she always parked in this exact spot. Taking out a copy of her key that I had made while she wasn’t looking, I tried unlocking the front door. It didn’t work.

She must’ve had a new key made. Taking out a hanger was my backup plan. I started trying to pick the lock. I don’t know how much time had passed, but eventually,

“Babe, move.” I moved out of the way. Looking back, I saw Danielle throw a rock into the window. Wow, she looked so cool at that moment.

“That’s my sister’s car,” I said out of instinct.

“It’s not like we’re giving it back.” That was true. I nodded to myself. The siren blared at that. Rushing into the car, I opened the dashboard, disabled the alarm, and started the engine.

Danielle got in without any prodding from me. I sat behind the wheel and just stared at it. What was I doing?

“What’s wrong, baby?” Danielle asked, stroking my hair.

“I don’t know where to go,” My head struck the wheel as I sat defeated. Like a general with nowhere to retreat.

“Maybe these will help,” A shake of a bottle brought me out of my reverie. I knew what those were. I needed them.

Grabbing the bottle. I took a handful. I still didn’t know.

I took more. Nothing.

More. And yet no path opened up to me.

When the last pill hit my throat, I finally found a path out of here. I took the car out of the parking space. And moved down the road. These pills were magical; they gave me a way out. A way out of the pain, out of all this poison.

Pulling up my phone, I went to text Rodney, my best friend. There was a phone holder on the dashboard, and I couldn’t believe my luck. When did my sister get this?

Yo, this molly is fire3:45 pm

I knew you’d like it, enjoy bro3:47 pm

He was a good friend. And an even better dealer.

Did Jess have insurance? I mean, how do you file a claim that your brother and his girlfriend stole your car? I should check just in case. The line rang for a bit, and she answered.

“Hello?” The response on the other line was languid and tired.

“Hey sis. Random question, do you have car insurance?” I asked innocently.

“What are you talking about? Are you driving right now?” I could hear her get up from where she was lying down.

“No, I’m not,” I denied.

“I can hear it, Alex. Pull over, your license was suspended.”

“I’m not driving, I’m at home. I just told mom goodnight.” That was the best lie I could come up with. Damn, I wish I could shut the window, if only Danielle hadn’t broken it.

“Really funny, Alex,” I could hear a heavy sigh from the other line, “Mom is with me, we’re here for dad’s funeral.”

“I know.” I hung up the phone.

I knew Dad was dead; he died 6 months ago. I knew I was the asshole for not wanting to go to the funeral. I knew I didn’t want to see his dead body. I knew I had been alone in the house.

I went back to my messages with Rodney. I scrolled up.

how you handling the breakup?11:37 am

fine…got anything for me? 1:15 pm

yeah, I got some new shit that’ll definitely make you forget about Danielle 1:18 pm

I’ll come pick it up in 5 1:20 pm

I turned to my right. The car seat was empty. The empty bottle of pills lay there. I knew I wasn’t with Danielle anymore. I knew she went clean. I knew she was tired of me using my dad’s death as an excuse. I knew it all.

But I should forget.

I was the one with nowhere to go. Where did everyone go? I drove without direction, but I knew I had to get out.

Looking around, there were bodies tied by the neck on lampposts. The sight sent chills down my spine. I almost lost control of the wheel. The faces on the bodies came to me.

My mom’s face, my sisters, my dad’s, and Danielle’s. Tears spilled from my eyes. I knew.

I knew I had tied them up there. Blood leaked down their corpses and melted in the streets, swallowed by the sewer drains. Blood started raining from the sky. Blood was what I was breathing.

I spat and spat. I didn’t want to drink their blood. I loved them.

I loved them all.

I still loved Danielle.

I called her.

“Danielle, is it raining?” I didn’t recognize my own voice.

“Why did you call me, Alex?” She seemed used to this, like watching my struggle to let her go was normal. I laughed.

“I wanted to see if you were okay.”

“I am,” She paused for a moment. “Have you told them yet? I know you think they don’t care about you, but you have a problem, Alex.”

Why was she judging me? It’s always the same with her, “I’m the one with the problem? Didn’t you make me take my first hit?”

A long pause. “I’m sorry, Alex. But I can’t continue to keep it a secret unless you stop.”

“Like you did. Like it’s so easy.”

“Wait, are you high right now, Alex?” Danielle’s words slammed into my heart. My hands cramped up, and I swallowed air trying to find out how to breathe again.

“I missed you,” A hoarse response escaped my throat. I knew I should pull over. I should take the path towards healing.

“Alex, where are you?” I stayed silent. I heard all kinds of things in her voice: disappointment, sadness, unease, fear, and ultimately love. I knew she loved me, but I wasn’t strong enough to let her love me.

I slowed the car down. I looked around, and I had ended up on the highway, next to a forest full of trees. But each branch had corpses tied to it. Blood seeped into the earth.

“I killed them,”

“What are you talking about, Alex?” Danielle’s voice grew farther away. I knew I should listen to her. I should pull over. But the blood would swallow me up if I did.

The car shook, a collision from the back; someone rear-ended me. I lost control of the wheel. Time seemed to slow down. My hands shot forward, and the seatbelt held me in my seat.

Watching as the car moved along on its own path, it took me along with it. I realized that this has been my life. Futile.

I never made my own choices. Someone always made them for me. I sat behind the wheel, and yet I was always treated like a passenger.

The car skidded onto the other side of the interstate, and I watched as a truck barreled straight towards me. I lay still.

How much of this was my choice?

My ears drowned out Danielle’s yelling and the blaring horn of the truck.

Was it too late for the truck to stop?

The truck’s form took up the whole window, and I knew it was. I didn’t know what this meant. But I realized this is how we all lived our lives; staring out of a fogged-up window, scared to wipe it and see a truck just outside of it.

Was I going to die?

The truck slammed into me. The world spun. The trees and the bodies spun and spun and spun. Blood had entered the car and danced with me. I felt a vague sense of pain somewhere I couldn’t reach. I watched an arm fly out of the windshield and exit the car.

Then I realized it was mine. Someone should really give me a hand.

Sound returned before I knew I missed it as the car barreled across the highway to a blaring stop. I could hear a gurgling sound and rabid breathing. I could hear a faint shout about an ambulance and someone named Alex.

My sense of touch flooded me next. I was missing something. A scream tried to leave my lips, but all I heard was a grating noise before I felt my neck burst open.

Then I could smell. At some point, the car had caught fire, and I could smell my blood boiling and burning. I had become a stew of flesh and bones.

I felt myself dying next. Fear overtook me. It was painful, it was fast, and yet it was slow. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to die. I tried to move. But I could feel my flesh melting into the car, I could feel my skin burst like a squeezed grape.

Then an explosion, and there was silence. A beautiful silence. A calming silence.