Movie Night

I can’t believe he just left.

How immature. Well, it’s good to know now that this is how he handles difficult conversations. I don’t need to take this kind of energy into my next chapter. The next chapter is all about fresh starts — new friends, new city, new job, new me. If he doesn’t wanna be supportive of that, that’s fine by me. And perfect, it’s raining, so the water will wash away all this bad juju.

Now that he’s gone for good, I should reflect on this argument and meditate. Like a mature person who can regulate her emotions.

“I can’t do this anymore!” Slam! (Shudder) Ay, I can still feel the way he slammed the door on his way out in my bones. Icy. Okay, okay hot chocolate, then meditate.

God, this stuff smells like crack. The cardamom adds just the right kind of spice. If I were a marshmallow, I’d wanna be in this hot chocolate. I am sooo good at making hot chocolate. I am amazing. I can drink all the hot chocolate I want and not feel bad that I don’t have anything else for him at the moment. Wait, why is there eggnog here? More like ughnog. Did he leave his ughnog behind? Ugh. gross. Graaah, why is he intruding on my thoughts while I’m trying to enjoy some hot chocolate and me time? Some things are sacred. All right, begone from my mind. I’m gonna focus on my hot chocolate and meditate.

Breathe in... 2... 3... 4... and out... 6... 7... 8...

So this is it. Our friendship is over. One hard conversation and we’re done. What’s the big deal anyway? It’s not like I’m dying, I’m just moving to another state. People do it all the time. And yes, I’m going blue to red, but I’ll be in the blue part of the red. It’s not like I will drastically change. Besides I have friends here, I’ll visit... or he can visit... ehh, maybe that’s a little weird since he doesn’t know anyone in Atlanta. Anyway, we have the technology to stay in touch. Not that we will anymore. I don’t get why he’s so mad. Honestly, it’s really weird that he’s mad. He was so supportive of me applying to this program last September.

Wow, the rain is really picking up out there. Aaand of course he forgot his umbrella. He probably drove home. It’s fine.

Ah, no. Focus. Inhale, 2.. 3.. 4, Exhale, 6.. 7.. 8.

At least we got through all the Captain America movies before this day became a disaster. I was trying to make our last monthly movie marathon day special. I bought a bunch of All-American-style food, all vegetarian which was kinda hard to do, and seven different kinds of Doritos, obviously. Just like Chris Evans, the food was perfect, and I did a great job. So, I’ll try to hold onto the good part of this memory.

Okay, what did my therapist say? Oh yeah, figure out why I’m angry and that will lead me to sadness and why I’m sad will lead me to regret which will lead me to desire then to either forgiveness or some kind of action. The goal is to forgive, be calm, and move on.

I am angry because my best friend of five years got into an argument about me moving and then left. He just walked out and ruined today. Why is he like this? He doesn’t understand why I care so much about this program and why I need to leave Portland. After all this time, I don’t get how he doesn’t get it. Deep breath. I am sad that...

You know what, no. I’m still angry. I have been talking about Georgia Tech’s engineering program since before we became friends. He knows that this is my dream school. I have been preparing for my PhD all this time with the Masters, the extra research I have been doing to get published on top of my job, the letters of recommendation I chased down for months — including the one professor who almost never agrees to give recommendations but she did. to. me. This is my career. This is my life. I can’t just stay here because he thinks my life is already “good enough.” Like bro, I want my doctorate in engineering with a focus on sustainability and supply chain. My life isn’t “good enough” until I get that.

Ah, that felt really good to get out. Done with anger, on to sadness.

I am sad that he doesn’t understand who I am after knowing me for years. I don’t understand where this is coming from. He helped me with the application process, figuring out how to get in that professor’s good graces, proofreading my research papers, and even offering to help me pack if I was accepted. He knew I was leaving. Right?... I'm sad that this is how the friendship ended. I'm sad that—

Gah! did the lights just flicker or was that lightning? [Rumbling thunder] He went out in the middle of a... thunderstorm? I hope he made it home okay.

Inhale, 234, exhale, 5678.

“You misogynistic asshole! You’re just mad because you never thought I would actually get accepted! You underestimated me like. you. always. do! You always think you know better than me! I am leaving in two weeks whether you think this is a good idea or not! I can’t wait to get away from you!”

Eugh. That was bad. I regret what I said to him. I don’t think he actually thinks he’s better than me. I don’t think he’s an asshole. I don’t think he’s misogynistic. I don’t think he often underestimates me. I should not have used all those absolutes. he's one of the kindest, gentlest, and most respectful people I know. Saying all that stuff to him isn’t fair to him. Not when he's incredibly gorge— uh, generous and is normally really patient. He knows how to sit with me in my worst moments and pull me out of them when I need it. I just feel better when he’s around. His laugh is infectious. God, I'm going to miss that laugh. And that smile. That dimpled smile could make me do anything... Uh— I mean like the time we went bungee jumping. What is wrong with me? I just need to snap out of it; I just wanted today to go well, so I just have my rose-tinted glasses on and thinking about everything favorably. Yeah, that’s it. Anyways, maybe I did catch him a little by surprise. I guess he expected I would leave in August and not in 2 weeks. Oh...

We lose 2 months.

I didn’t even think about that.

I desire to take back what I said. I wish he knew I didn’t mean it. I do also wish he would apologize for blowing up like that. I’m just moving, and we have the technology to stay in touch. I still want him to reach out first. He left the conversation first, which makes that sort of an implied boundary he put up. Since it’s his boundary, he should deal with his boundary and reach out first. Yeah.

Okay, cool — the forgiveness part: we both hurt each other, neither of us are bad people, and I understand that I sort of sprung this on him so I can see why he’s hurt. I can forgive him for blowing up and ask for forgiveness about the mean things I said. Cool. That sounds good to me.

Sweet, okay, done. Inhale...... exhale......

Well, it’s only 9pm. I guess I’ll just watch another movie? Yeah, okay Devil Wears Prada seems good.

I love Miranda Priestly. Perfect villain.

Wow, it’s only 9:12pm. I’m not even tired yet. So, I can’t even just like, call it a night. I should just try to focus on the movie.

Nate’s hot. And sweet, but unsupportive. This job can make her career, doesn’t he get it? She has to be at Miranda’s beck and call, do the weirdly specific tasks for Miranda, and wake up at ass-o-clock for Miranda. It’s the Miranda Priestly. Getting Miranda’s approval is her golden ticket to do anything she wants. You know what, maybe that’s what going to Georgia feels like for me. I would do anything for my career, and this PhD is my Miranda Priestly golden ticket. The opportunity in front of me is exhilarating. Maybe even a little scary, but that’s why I need him to be supportive now more than ever. How does he not get it?

Wait, what's that on the table? He left his keys here? So, he’s walking? In. a. thunderstorm? Typical of him to not think about the consequences, and make everyone around him worry.

Ugh whatever, I'm not even focusing on the movie anymore. Maybe I'm still a little unresolved. Okay, let’s do a second pass. Inhale. Exhale.

All right... I don’t really feel angry anymore. I feel... sad. Sad that he isn’t here. This was supposed to be our last time hanging out like this, and he isn’t here. What if we never talk again? I hate him. I don’t. But I do... miss him? Why does my heart hurt like it’s been sore for hours? Why did he just walk away? I regret not stopping him. I should have stopped him and asked him why he was so mad instead of jumping on him about it. I always jump. Why did I have to jump? Maybe I jumped because he’s wrong and I’m right and he needed to know. No, that’s not it... Realistically I probably jumped because I'm... a little scared to leave and go do the thing I have always wanted to do. Because what if I hate it. What if I miss home? What if I... fail? Maybe I jumped because I needed all my courage to leave. Maybe that’s why I’m leaving in 2 weeks. It’s not like I have to, I just chose to. I could postpone it a little... Maybe I pushed him away because I was scared that it would hurt to leave. Is it going to hurt to leave or leave... him?

Oh. shit. It is going to hurt to leave him.

Oh my god, I'm such an idiot. I think I have feelings for my best friend. I think I messed up.

I want— no. I need to find him. Now.

Where did I put my purse?

Got it.

Okay.

Shoes shoes shoes. Wait—

I need socks—

[Ding dong]. It’s like 9:30. Who and why? Bro, I’m trying to do a romantic gesture, like Andy. Fine, I’ll open the door and deal with this rando.

“Hi, I’m sorry. I was being an idiot and I shouldn’t have left like that. This is really important to you and I’m really proud of you. I'm just sad that you’re leaving so soon and I’m gonna miss you.” He’s back. And drenched from the rain. He looks... good. Is that weird to think?

“So, I walked to the store — I know you think that’s stupid since there's a full on thunderstorm here — but I got you these. And this pizza, it’s your favorite. I even had them arrange the olives Princess Diaries Style.”

He’s here. Dripping wet. With my favorite flowers and the SORRY pizza. And he kind of just looks perfect? Why can’t I say anything?

“And... I'm in love with you.”

Okay quick say something. Literally anything.

“Uh... so yeah.”

Okay I said nothing. Trial 2. Say words.

“Uh. I'm sorry and I was dumb and... IthinkIminloveyoutoo.” Move limbs. Let him inside.

“Cool. umm. So, I’m gonna come in so I don’t get electrocuted and we should maybe idunnoknow... talk?”

“Yeah, we should.” And there’s that dimpled smile again.