No Shoestrings

Though the story is fictional, it addresses topics related to abuse, trauma, alcoholism, and other life challenges. The content may be triggering for some readers. The idea of the story is to shed light on the topic with care and respect. The information is not intended as a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you or someone you know is affected by similar issues, please seek support from a trusted professional or helpline.

No Shoestrings

In order to protect their and the patient’s well-being the hospital had very strict rules in place, and that is exactly what Lucy needed. When faced with overwhelming mental anguish alcohol wasn’t her drug of choice, but that’s what was given to her. And it didn’t happen just once, but repeatedly.  So, she developed a habit of reaching for the bottle each time a mental anguish or suffering surfaced.

Absorbed and transported are not two words usually thought of together when taking a drink of alcohol. But to think about it, the alcohol after ingestion tiny amounts are absorbed in the mouth by the oral mucosa, it passes through the esophagus, into the stomach where yet another small amount is absorbed into the bloodstream through the ling of the stomach and depending on how much food is in the stomach it then moves onto, the small intestine, and into the blood stream though the surface are wall of the small intestine, and is then carried to the liver for the remaining to be metabolized.  Wow! The study itself is a lot to be mentally digested. And that is what is happening physically inside the body of the person taking the drink. The only thought Lucy, my daughter was concerned with though when it came to the body’s metabolism; was how fast it could burn calories, what her caloric limit was for the day, and how many calories were in her lunch, and also how much exercise she would need to keep her body in check to look slender because she always seemed to feel bloated. To look slender a person may not think to be concerned with their body’s digestion and only be concerned with calories, but in reality, it is all linked.

My daughter’s husband wasn’t just divorcing her and before she was twenty-one years old, he was disposing of her as what felt like something inhumane.  And not to mention the man was leaving her with the scars of two abortions, no alimony, and abandoning her to battle alcoholism alone. No matter how much she loved him, the man could not see himself through the financial fear of having another baby, so the marriage that happened too soon was now dissolved.

However embarrassing, was that? It is totally embarrassing to discuss constipation socially. Lucy’s mother was concerned with the fact that alcohol was destroying her daughter’s life. It’s simple facts she needs to know alcohol has to go through the body’s digestive system to be metabolized, drinking was affecting her health in more ways than she was aware.  The young woman was never getting enough healthy fats in her diet.  Fat is required in the diet; it is needed in the bloodstream to carry other essential nutrients that are being digested and transported to the body’s essential organs for absorption, energy, and storage.

Over the past few weeks Lucy had begun to question herself about her self-control and her sanity more seriously as it wasn’t so much her desire to drink that had her worried as it was the other urges that she was unable to explain: the suicidal urges, the violent urges, and with both urges ending in self-harm.  She was doing her best to avoid self-harm, yet becoming afraid of what might happen, so Lucy began researching for what she should do to protect herself. 

After attending several sobriety meetings without the miracle answer she was hoping for, she found the number to a behavioral health hospital. It wasn’t a mental hospital, it wasn’t a psychiatric hospital, or maybe it was, but it was advertised and listed in the telephone directory as a behavioral health hospital.

In group at the hospital Lucy began to share an out-of-body experience with her group at the hospital. The therapist encouraged her to go on sharing with the group. Lucy began by visualizing the experience as she recalled the memory. She was working the night owl shift at an online retail warehouse that her daughter Lily had told her about. It wasn’t perfect put working in order, picking in a warehouse the size of one and half football fields four stories high, gave her time to walk, and get things out. She’d been there for two years and had been friends with her boss; they hung out a few times after work. Her boss really enjoyed spending time with her, but she wasn’t ready to commit to another relationship. Her manager drove her to the behavioral health hospital that night.

While she was working, pushing along, and getting her exercise, up on the fourth floor, looking for an order on her pick gun, she felt dizzy and slowed her pace a bit, but then stopped. She lost all focus; and she recalled that it felt as if her breath was leaving her body; and that she felt her spirit-self floating upwards like a helium balloon. She was at work. The moment the upwards motion stopped she looked down and saw her lifeless body lying on the floor beside her picking cart. And then she panicked. The experience only lasted for a few seconds: but it seemed like hours. Frightened, she walked as quickly as she could to her manager’s desk to find him, to the other opponent’s side of the 25-yard line to get help.

The meetings lasted for a week. At first, she stayed in her pajamas all day. The showers were basic stand in showers, self-harm proofed. In the day room the times, therapist’s names, and meetings were all listed written on a board. There were crayons and coloring pages on one of the tables for the patients. The patients were served breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the day room but could take their dinner back to their rooms if they wished. The patients didn’t seem much different than her, but she didn’t trust others much and tried to keep to herself. They had a music therapy group, a spiritual group, and an AA meeting where others shared their struggles with reality. At the end of the week she had three new prescriptions, had become familiar with group therapy, had been released to IOP, had visited with her prescribing Dr. several times, but was unsure if she was ready to go back into the world.   

She sat at the nurse’s station, waiting for the nurse to return and give back the personal belongings taken from her at check-in: a hoodie, shoelaces, a cell phone, her purse, a small amount of money, cigarettes, and a lighter.

Lucy was driving to the mall from her new apartment to do a little weekend shopping. She had not only finished her IOP classes, but she had also just finished a 12-month recovery program. Lucy’s daughter was her inspiration, her reason for hanging on.  The instant she could see the mall from the exit ramp, traffic was backed up; of course, traffic would be backed up she thought to herself as she grumbled and reached for the window switch on the door panel of her car. Aaaagh!!! Lucy thought to herself, she wished she could call her mom, but her mom had passed away a few months ago.  She let out a little low volume scream as she was still feeling quite a bit uncomfortable, as she was always feeling late. She reached for the volume knob on the car radio and turned up a little 80’s hip hop tune, hoping that would help to calm her feeling of being rushed. She put the car in park. To put her foot on the gas petal, Ooh no!  She thought to herself, as she instantly imagined what a scene that would cause if she were to rear-end the car in front of hers.  At the traffic light there was more than just one vehicle, there were several, but something in her was still desiring to push through it.The light turned green, Lucy put the car back in drive and as she and her car moved slowly forward in motion with the other traffic, she breathed in a sigh of relief. 

As she walked through the mall, if she could have been invisible that’s exactly what she would have been. She was feeling so ashamed and embarrassed: she was on the high society side of town where everyone had their hair and nails beautifully done, they were wearing designer, fashion, clothing and had no worries about spending, but she was sober. Lucy’s eyes scanned the extravagance of the store’s walls and plentitude of it’s shelves and of all it’s items; she was looking for the perfect gift that might bring her daughter a little bit of happiness and hoping for a bit of Christmas joy.

Lucy’s daughter’s comfort object was, Eeyore; one of Winnie-the-Pooh’s friends. Winnie-the-Pooh, the loveable stuffed bear of the tales of Christopher Robin, and Eeyore known for his unfailing, gloomy, sarcasm. She didn’t want her daughter filled with “unfailing, gloomy, sarcasm”. As she wondered through the store sad and gloomy thoughts began to fill her mind as she thought to herself that her drinking had caused her daughter to be filled with “unfailing, gloomy, sarcasm”. She felt like giving up, but that was not an option, it was everything to not fall to her knees there in the store, the weight of the shame, her face hid only by her hands, the tears, but being the woman her mom taught her to be; she kept her head up. She tried to think happy thoughts like her mom taught her; The Disney Store was a great place to be – Tinkerbell, that’s a happy thought.

I died a few weeks after Lucy’s out-of-body experience. As her mother, I think she would have died for me. 

Written by: R Jackson-Sharpe