Break up

You've been on my mind and in fact you're always on my mind. I know you get tired of me spewing my feelings but it makes my stomach hurt not talking to you.

I just need to tell you how i feel and get it out cause it's eating at me everyday. I'm not going to assume what you feel but just tell you how i feel.

I think you're done with me but because we have such a big past you keep me around. However I haven't felt part of your world even long before my asshole move with your mom. I think the last time I felt like your actual best friend was when you and Jae first met. Since then its not been the same.

No I'm not blaming him in any way, again I'm just telling you how I feel.

Friends are supposed to spend time with each other, text, call, hell tag me on social media but as I see it you've pulled away and it's probably because you don't want me to hurt you anymore. Sad thing is I've begged you to spend time with me, I've written you letyers and cards. I've texted but it always seems like you want me to take all the blame and guilt while you state, it's all in my head and we're fine. I get it.

But being away from you everyday hurts me. It hurts cause I still had hope in our friendship.

I don't even know what I expect from this but, just like all things there is a beginning and an end.

You used to need me. You used to want to be around me. When life happens you used to want to tell me about it and confide in me.

I've tried over and over again to connect with you, but to no avail I feel like an idiot. Like when my back is turned you're really saying fuck her. Or laughing like I'm a joke. Yes I'm probably assuming.

But you must admit I mean nothing to you now. Because every time I'm around you I feel like I'm not supposed to be there. Your kids birthdays I felt like you only invite me to be polite. We don't do holidays anymore and all the times I've asked you about it, you simply say it's me making things up, it's in my head, were still best friends, or I'm your only friend. But you just want nothing to do with me.

Even writing this i feel like you're just going to roll your eyes and laugh at me. A few years ago I got upset because when Star died it wasn't even a thought that i needed too grieve with you. You brought me into your world. Made me fall in love with your entire family. Hell I considered them my family to. Then like a switch, if you don't talk to me, I lost all of you. You've invited me a few times but didn't tell me there was a dress code. Everyone should be wearing certain colors.

When you're around me I feel like you really don't even want me there.

You say that we're fine but we're not. And gas lighting hurts more than you just saying we're done.

You were my person.

Your birthday i felt like I was intruding. I felt like a joke. If I didn't ask about it, would you have even invited me?

I know life it crazy and we get busy, but you simply don't need me anymore and it kills me.

You're standoffish and you treat me like I'm stupid. So instead of me feeling embarrassed just be honest with me.

Again I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish with this but I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter to you. Like behind me back y'all laugh at me and think I'm a joke.

I know that this isn't in my head. That in fact none of you want me to be around you. I felt it at your birthday and so many other times. Like including me in family pics. You didn't really want me there because if you did you would have told me what to wear.

I lost 2 mom's. For my grief I didn't want to feel. But my actions I think was your last straw.

The Sarah I used to know wanted to have adventures and experiences with me. But I'm not even a thought.

It also hurt so much when you left me to deal with Rebecca's death. Not even a thought that id want to grieve with you. She was our friend. Obviously been holding on to this for awhile.

I know I've hurt you. And my assumption is you can't forgive me. So Sarah if we need to call it, then it will break my heart but its better than me holding on to hope that one day you'll be my best friend again. That one day you'll want me around.

Just know I'll always love you. But I don't know what to say or do anymore to be your friend. I don't know how to feel like I'm part of your life anymore.

I simply don't know how to do this friendship when I'm the only one that wants us to be us again. Just to spend time together.

Look how many years have gone by and you and I haven't really done much of anything together.

I don't even know if this is your correct email cause literally every time I use this email to invite you to this I get no response.

I love you, I'll always love you..but the ball is in your court. If you need me I'll be here but you don't have to feel obligated to be anymore.

Sometimes loving someone so much means letting them go. But I'll go on loving you from afar but knowing this door is now closed, closed with tears and sadness for what once was.