WAS IT WORTH IT?

The thunder strikes across the clouds, it's raining that much to almost flood the town. It's at night and I peer at the top of the store, DIANA'S ANTIQUES. I can understand why they have such a name, their actual business isn't really legal to say the least. A car rushes behind us with headlights made to blind someone. I'm pretty sure the driver could have noticed someone standing there at a store but who am I to say anything. It streaks through the road and a puddle of water rises hitting my back. Thanks a lot, but that proves why I'm here to begin with. The world doesn't care about me. I'm only lucky that I have a raincoat on and that I held Louie, my beloved puppy, close to my chest. He should be fine, he has to be fine. I know he's the only one who cares about me. That's why he has to be here. He wriggles forcing me to look at him. I feel like his eyes are telling me something, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I smile at him and close in for a hug. Though I have mixed feelings, I know this is the best way.

"Don't worry, It will be alright," I tell him.

The door opens and the bell chimes. I meet a sturdy and tall man with an aloha shirt holding a clean sheet of paper. He squints his eyes and after a while he looks down to see me.

"Lily Pierce?" he asks

I nod. He surveys behind me, probably making sure no one could have tailed me. On seeing that the coast is clear, he gives me space and I enter. I see a lot of vases, watches by the glass case at the side of what looks like the counter, furniture of different kinds and any other thing that could exist in an antique shop. I only know that this is not what they are selling.

The man heads in front of me and goes to the wall. He presses somewhere and the wall gives way to a lift. How were they able to improvise like that? He looks at me and waves me in to enter. I do as instructed.

The lift moves downwards. I try to imagine the situation back home. Have they discovered that I'm gone? Or are they celebrating one of my brother's other achievements. It isn't hard to know that one, he was always the better child. Blest with everything at his stead unlike me. He aces everything he puts his mind to, I try to do the same but they can never compare. I always try to blame my hearing disorder, he's not sick so that could be the case. Though they usually pretend to care, under the guise of smiles and jokes, I know their true intentions. I could see it in their eyes. They wish they never bore someone like me. To them, I'm an outsider. They know that they have only one child.

And that is also replicated in school. Despite the principal reminding everyone time and time again, they never listen. They would mess up with my hearing aids and be all like, "Oh I'm sorry, I forgot." Don't they know how hard it is to tune one? I also get stuff in my locker. Nasty stuff like dead insects or something. Other times they scribble the locker and put in nicknames I don't like. Do I try to say something, I do but it doesn't help. Or maybe they put me in positions I never would think to be, make me do things I never do. Why? Because I'm different.

All this makes me tear up, I raise my hand to wipe one of them. The sleeve slides a bit and I see lacerations on my arm. Oh yeah, my coping mechanism. Whenever I felt hurt, I would cut myself. The thrill of seeing blood, especially my own, felt nice. But It wasn't enough. That was just killing myself slowly. Until I saw this. I heard rumors about it, the ability to re-configure someone's brain into another dimension. A dimension of the person's preferences. Through a machine they gaze in someone's thoughts, remove all those that they want deleted then help them create a world where they can truly belong. They called it Inpostura, the perfect dimension. Right, that is where I'm going.

The lift stops and the doors swing. It's like I'm in a different place all together. It has a metal floor with white LED lights reflecting from it. The walls are painted in blends of red and blue. In front of the walls are people on their desks in their computers, two on either side. Gender neutral. Next to them are chairs. At the far end there are two tubes, on its left are two chairs. The chairs don't look normal. They have multiple buttons and switches on them. What stands out is a machine in the shape of a colander that is tied to the back. Seeing all of this makes me gulp.

The man is approached by his male colleague from the left. They greet each other and chant in happiness. The other two females are stuck at their desks with the one at the far right looking at me pensively. Louie starts to whimper, he feels uncomfortable. If he continues like that he'll start barking. Can't let that happen.

"Hey, Louie calm down," I say.

The man comes back and points me to the woman who is still looking at me. I move to her, Louie resisting even more. I'm not sure what I'm meant to do as soon as I get there but I just walk. I reach there and she offers me the seat next to her. I confirm the look that she has been giving me, she's concerned.

"You're Lily Pierce, right?" she asks.

I nod. She moves back to the monitor. A form that I filled before hand is displayed. She scrolls downwards and sees the price that I had to pay. She's shocked, it's a lot of money I know but it was needed. I could say it was thanks to Dad's credit card. Below the price is the plan I set, it says "Lifetime". She takes a sheet of paper and a pen from across her desk then places them on the side in front of me. I creep in closer, another form.

"I know it's not in my place to say anything," the woman speaks. "But are you sure about this? I mean you're too young for this. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you think you would want to live like this your entire life?"

I feel the urge to ask why she cares but she only means goodwill. I had second thoughts, I still actually have them but what's the use. I don't like the world and The world doesn't like me. I want to do this.

I nod at her. She feels disheartened. She reclines to her monitor and I take the pen. The questions ask me what are my preferences. I list some, I like other things but they would only remind me of the world. Another question asks if I am taking someone with me. Louie is everything to me, I can't leave him alone. The questions progress and I reach the last one, 'Would you wish someone you have left to visit you?' Why should such a question come up? Wouldn't it just compromise their location? Better yet, I'm leaving everything behind. Seeing them or even being near them would remind me of all the hardships, everything I want to avoid. I leave it blank.

I slide it to her who checks everything. She notices I haven't written anything at the last question but she doesn't bother to ask. She stands up and ushers me to the tubes and the chairs.

"What method do you want to go with?" she asks.

The chair seems harmless compared to the tube. I point at the chair and she gives me space. I sit on it and she looks at Louie.

"You're going with him?"

"Yes," I answer.

"Hold him close then. If you don't he might not come with you."

Louie whimpers again and looks at me as though saying I should turn back. I say nothing but only hug him even more. The woman places the colander shaped device over my head. It's big enough it covers my face. My heart begins pounding even louder. What I've waited for all this time, I can finally do it and leave the world behind. It's turned on and the visor in front of me turns green. I see binary numbers floating upwards. Gradually, steadily then fast.

In the process of all of this, I see flashes of my memories. To some degree, I don't think my family was ever pretending. Whatever they had, they shared with me. The good times and the bad ones. The most who helped me was my brother. He made sure I would live a life worth it. And... I think I had friends in school. Maybe three or four? One of them fought for me, the usual bullying, but he took it to his own hands. He went to detention but I remember waiting for him. He was so nice. What was his name again? Wow, I don't even remember my friend's name.

My birthday is coming up, both parties claim to prepare something. So sad that I won't be there. Do I really want to do this? Because if I do, I lose the small important things that I had. No matter how bad the world is to me, those small moments, I wouldn't want to leave them. But the bad things will never end, I have to.

The green numbers cease from going up. The visor is black and I pull it up. I find myself somewhere different. A city is to the far distance, I can hear faint melodies of pop music coming from it. My favorite genre. The place is sunny, less clouds have gathered and they give the environment a peaceful and bliss atmosphere. The ground which I stand on is tarmacked that heads towards the city. A limo is closing in and parks in front of me sideways. The door opens, a tall man in a tuxedo comes to the side I am standing. He is smiling as he opens the back door. From it, Louie, who is more jovial now, jumps and rushes to me. I squat and embrace him. He licks my face.

"Your ride is ready mademoiselle," the chauffer says.

There is something about his voice. I feel like I can hear it more clearly. Actually, like I have never heard before. I touch my ears, there are no hearing aids, I can hear like a normal person! My knees give in and I start crying. This is it. What I have wanted all my life.

It's a happy occasion that it really worked, my Inpostura. So naturally, I should be happy but I feel a sense of loneliness. Like I don't belong here and that I have missed my opportunity in an actual life. But it doesn't make sense. I wanted this. So what if I never get to see those people again, I'm happy here. I...think.

My emotions turn. So what if I lived a life of dread, doing this means I will never see my family and those that I think to be my friends ever again. I got my goal but at what cost.

I'm sad and I begin crying, what have I done. The chauffer notices my expression.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

I don't answer, the realization of what is now my life hits me.

All this, was it worth it?