That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Ginger had that moment of sudden clarity, where his sense of invincibility and confidence eroded in the nanoseconds before his death. His currant-colored lips parted and he muttered, “Those wives' tales are true, my life is flashing right before my eyes. It wasn't a long life- less than a day- but I achieved greatness. There are not so many who can say they have accomplished more than I.”

Ginger's mind jumped backwards, from the events of the morning and perhaps even earlier, before the time he was fully formed. His brain seized upon this gray space of awareness, similar to an embryo of a chicken, or Frankenstein's monster before the renowned doctor brought his creation to life. His first sense of having the potential to become a living, feeling being was discovered while he was merely flour, dwelling in the bag emblazoned with the logo ‘King Arthur’. With a name like that, one was bound for greatness.

At that stage, Ginger was not fully formed, yet not exactly passive either. He absorbed his surroundings in the kitchen cabinet, taking in the daily bickerings of the little old woman, Martha, and the little old man, George. However, Ginger's chief influence came from the television mounted on the wall across from his dwelling. It was on 24/7, spewing regurgitated stories over and over, each subsequent news host offering just a slightly different angle from the pundit before. Violent crime in cities, illegal immigrants doing horrible things to Americans, rigged elections, fake news, and radical Democrats trying to take down the country. Very scary stuff, but Martha and George digested it along with their morning oatmeal, nodding their heads. On these issues, they were of one mind.

This day, November 6, 2024, took on great significance for Ginger. Although he was yet unmolded and was akin to modeling clay when compared to a finished statue, Ginger sensed a great event had taken place the day before. Little old Martha pulled him out of the cupboard, along with his other roommates. She had not baked in years, but Martha was filled with renewed energy and hope. The country will be great again!

Martha hummed patriotic tunes as she worked. Ginger became more and more aware of his surroundings as he was combined with ginger, nutmeg, cloves, cinnamon, salt and baking soda. He quivered with excitement as the molasses, eggs, butter and brown sugar were folded into every fiber of his being. His senses were stimulated as he was refrigerated for four hours, rolled out flat, then cut into his human form with the large cookie cutter.

Ginger's true awakening came about when Martha placed two raisins on his face. He thought, “Now I can see. Eyes are windows to the soul.”

Martha pressed a currant into his dough for his mouth, and chocolate chips for his buttons, which tickled. He giggled like the Pillsbury dough boy. Ginger stared at Martha as she stepped back to admire her handiwork. She exclaimed, “You are the most handsome gingerbread man ever made!”

Ginger longed to say, “I know, Captain Obvious. However,you are the ugliest woman ever seen!” He kept that thought to himself, because he was weak and still at Martha's mercy. Consequently, he said nothing while she placed him into the oven. Once inside, he practiced speaking while he baked, so he would be media -ready when he emerged. “This is just like Florida! I have the greatest smell of anyone who has ever lived. This sunlamp will help me achieve the flattering shade of tan and orange. I hope that stupid woman won't forget me and burn me to a crisp. You know how females are!”

Eleven minutes later, Martha yanked open the oven door in a panic. She exclaimed, “ Lordy, lordy! I nearly forgot all about you. I was listening to Sucker.” Martha pulled the baking sheet out of the oven with her thick oven mitt, decorated with the Ten Commandments.

Ginger shot her a venomous look, with his reptilian raisin eyes. He thought, “Not yet Ginger, not yet!” He cooled his body and his temper on the stainless steel baking rack instead.

One hour later, Martha came back for Ginger once again. He recoiled in disgust at the appearance of his creator. His tune changed when she said in her cringe worthy sing-song voice, “ Look what I made for you. Royal icing to decorate you with!”

Ginger stayed perfectly still while the odious woman lathered the frosting on him. When she was finished, he could no longer contain himself. “ What? No gold sprinkles?”

“ Oh my goodness! You can talk. It's a miracle! I'm sorry, I don't have any gold decoration, but I will be sure to go out and get some.The ladies at bingo will never believe this.Take a selfie with me!”

Ginger sneered at her with disdain. “You will ruin the photo. Just me only,”

Martha nodded and grabbed the phone from her apron. She snapped pics of Ginger in many different poses-flexing his arm muscles, riding the wooden rooster decoration and eating the leftover cookie dough.

Ginger admired his shots in the photo gallery. “Not a bad picture in the bunch, if I do say so myself. Which is something, given your total lack of talent. Women are only good for one thing. Which means you are of no use to anyone.” He paused for a moment. “ I'll need you to take a few closeups of my pee-pee to share.”

Martha's face turned red and she stammered, “ Sir. Mr. Ginger…sir. I didn't give you one, of….those.”

“Yes, you did. It is the bigliest, best and greatest pee-pee ever. I won't be sticking around this hick town for long, so make it snappy.”

Martha was hurt, then angry. “Mister Ginger, sir. I made you with love. Threw my heart and soul into making you the wonderful man you are. And you treat me with total disrespect, not the least bit grateful. I thought you were too great to eat. But now I'm hangry. I'm going to devour you right now.” Martha lunged towards Ginger.

Ginger easily sprung away from her and laughed. “The thought of you eating me fills me with revulsion. I bid you farewell.” He looked over his shoulder and saw her coming after him, leaning on her walker. Ginger taunted her further. “Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man.” Ginger sprinted out the door, Martha shaking her fist at him.

Ginger soon found himself in the old couple's garden. George was hanging yet another banner on his fence, proclaiming somebody was right about everything. Ginger yelled loudly at him, “ I am never wrong, either!”

George halted his labors and stared at Ginger. “Well, aren't you something? Martha told me she was going to do some baking today. She outdid herself. Come closer so I can eat you!”

Ginger laughed at George and shouted,” I can't decide if it would be worse to be eaten by you or your wife. You're equally ugly and dumb.”

George dropped his sign and started to chase Ginger, with Martha and her walker just now coming into view.

Ginger easily sprinted away, teasing the old couple. “Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man. I ran away from the old stupid woman, and I can run away from you, I can, I can.”

Ginger left the pair in the dust and soon found himself at the pig sty. The enormous pink porker looked at Ginger with delight and smacked her lips. “ Oink, oink. I want to eat you.”

Ginger glared with derision and pointed his finger at her. “Are you a reporter? Shut up, piggy!”

The pig squealed and took a few steps in Ginger's direction.

Ginger bent over and howled with laughter. “ Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man. I ran away from the little little old woman and the little old man. I can run away from you, I can, I can!” Ginger moved like the wind and was soon out of sight.

Ginger's next stop was the cow pasture. A black and white Holstein with huge udders was chewing her cud. She stopped mid-chew and gazed at Ginger with interest. “My milkshake brings all the boys to the barn. Why don't you moo-ove closer so I can eat you?”

Ginger laughed and shook his head. “I will admit that you have ginormous boobs, but they're pretty saggy. You're definitely not my type.” When the cow took a few steps in Ginger's direction, he sped away. In a taunting voice, he repeated his favorite tune.”Run, run as fast as you can.You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man. I ran away from the little old woman and the little old man. I ran away from piggy and I’ll run away from you, I can, I can.” Ginger sprinted one hundred yards and saw the angry mob pursuing him in the distance.

Ginger skipped his way to the outer field and saw an old dapple gray horse limp over to the fence to greet him. He held up his right hand decorated with royal icing. “Stop right there! I can hardly be bothered with the likes of you. You have an ugly horse face. You look familiar. What is your name? Sunny? Cloudy? I know, it's Stormy! What's the deal with your leg?”

“ I made over two million during my career, but was injured at Saratoga.”

Ginger did a little dance and said, “There's only one four-letter word to describe you, and it's ‘LOSER’!”

Stormy glared at Ginger, tossed her head and limped towards him.” I'm going to eat you!”

“Eat my shorts and eat my dust! Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man. I ran away from the little old woman and the little old man, fat piggy and the stupid cow. I’ll run away from you, I can, I can.”

Ginger jogged away quickly and saw his pursuers way off in the distance. When he reached the top of a steep hill, he spied an inviting willow tree. He thought, “ Those asinine creatures will never catch the great Ginger. I think I will take a quick nap and see if those bozos have given up their futile chase. If not, I'll insult them some more!” Ginger trotted to the tree, sat down under it and leaned against its sturdy trunk. Ginger stretched his short limbs and celebrated the fact that he had outsmarted everyone. He relaxed, closed his raisin eyes, and fell into a deep slumber.

Ginger was awakened suddenly when he heard the shouts of people and animals, coming at him from all sides. He jumped to his feet and saw men, women, children and creatures he never even met. Evidently, they had decided to join in the pursuit of the best gingerbread man on earth. They were advancing rapidly and forming a circle around Ginger, cutting off all routes of escape.

Ginger was cocky and didn't panic, because clearly he was far more intelligent than these lowlifes. He sprinted towards the only path open- the wild, wide river in front of him. He stopped at the shoreline, debating what to do, since he couldn't swim. Ginger dreaded the thought that popped into his head-a proposition even worse than drowning. “ I don't want my beautiful royal-icing hair to get wet.”

Just then, a beautiful red fox with a large bushy tail happened by. Ginger swallowed his pride. “ I am much smarter than all these creatures who are chasing me. However, I can't swim. I demand that you take me across the river on your back.”

“Smarter, did you say? Why is that?”

“ Person, woman, man, camera, T.V.”

The fox scratched his head. “Pardon me?”

Ginger stomped his feet in anger. “Person, woman, man, camera, T.V. I took an extremely difficult intelligence test and I aced it. It is a remarkable achievement.”

The fox nodded his head and licked his chops.”Indeed. You are the greatest gingerbread man that has ever lived. I will gladly take you across. Hop on my tail.” The fox lowered himself to the ground and Ginger hopped on the thick brush of fur and grasped it tightly. The fox eased himself into the water and started swimming.

The large crowd chasing Ginger reached the edge of the water and shook their fists at him. Ginger hooted and hollered at them.”You can't catch Ginger!”

As the fox swam on, the water started getting deeper. Ginger exclaimed, “You dumb fox, I'm getting wet!”

“So, so sorry. Hop on my back!”

Ginger crawled the short distance and was comfortable and dry for a short time. The fox stopped doggie paddling, stood partially upright and began to tread water in the cold cruel river.

Ginger grew irate. “ You are a horrible swimmer. My feet are damp!”

“You're right, as always! You deserve much better. Hop on my nose. Surely, you'll be dry there.”

Ginger crawled up the fox’s neck, over his head and positioned himself solidly on the long snout. He threw up his hands triumphantly into the air and screamed, “I'm the king of the world!”

The fox nodded. “ You are the king!”

As they approached shore, the fox snapped his head back suddenly, throwing Ginger high into the air. Ginger screamed like a banshee, crying in terror. The fox caught him expertly, holding him gently but firmly between his upper and lower teeth.

The fox asked Ginger, “Any final requests?”

Ginger realized there was no escaping his fate now. He couldn't run any more.“I would like a minute to reflect on my existence, the greatness of it all.” Ginger's life flashed before his eyes. He lamented, “ You're fox and I thought we were friends. I can't believe I was betrayed by fox!”

The fox shook his head from side to side, still clutching Ginger. “You still don't get it, even now. I went along and pretended you were smart, even though you're dumber than a box of rocks!”

Fox now closed his mouth, leaving Ginger in complete darkness. Ginger felt Fox's saliva slowly melt his royal icing. His body began to dissolve. Ginger felt blinding pain as the fox's sharp teeth bit into the sides of his neck. Fox finished the job off with a large chomp that snapped Ginger's head clean off his body. The gingerbread man knew no more.

Fox chewed the soft cookie for a few seconds and a horrible look of disgust appeared on his face. He mumbled, “This is the worst shit I have ever tasted! The flour must have gone bad!” The fox blew the mangled remains of Ginger out of his mouth with all the force he could muster. He coughed up the few remaining crumbs and spit them in the water, all the while gagging and choking.

And so it was. The tiny bits of Ginger floated in the air and swirled in the water, spreading hate throughout the land. This is how evil was unleashed, once upon a time.