Butchery

Charlie sliced meat like he knew his way around a blade. The quick, confident cuts that separated bone from sinew was something that stirred questions for Hayley, but she knew better than to blurt them out. Men like Charlie usually had a past better left undisturbed.

“Relax,” He said, quirking one eyebrow. She had paused too long on her own prep, the lack of motion drawing his attention, “my father owned a butcher shop up in Connecticut. Used to help out after school. A mans hand’s don’t forget work like that.”

Hayley quickly dropped her eyes and went back to peeling carrots, shedding orange staining strips all over the white counter.

“Sorry” she muttered.

“No bother. Young girl like you is right to be cautious. Especially around folks like these,” He said, gesturing with the knife to the myriad of worn-down looking men and women, all bustling around the stainless steel counter tops in mismatching aprons, “what brings you down to our little slice of paradise anyway?”

She took a deep breath, knowing her answer was weak. For some reason she had expected the homeless shelter would be full of like-minded young people, all wanting to contribute and set the world back on its axis. When she had arrived, she had almost backed out, seeing that everyone working inside looked like they were on the wrong side of the counter.

“I’m on summer break from college, I thought…I would spend that time doing something valuable…instead of wasting it away on a beach or in a bar. I thought I could help...”

“Well, I think that’s grand! You’ve a mind I didn’t develop until I was twice your age. There’s meaning in feeding people, a satisfaction you aren’t going to find in the bottom of a bottle, or when the music quiets at the end of a party,” He said, smiling and dropping another fistful of fatty meat into an enormous pot, “As long as you aren’t here for some college credit, and you genuinely want to be doing this, you’ll do just fine.”

“No reward for me, just a hard day's work!” Hayley said, forcing a chuckle.

She looked up at Charlie, and for the first time that morning, saw past his patchy grey stubble, scarred chin and uneven buzz cut, to see a brightness behind his eyes. She silently chastised herself for being afraid of him. He was still intimidating, that was for sure, but she forced herself to remember that he was human. To that end, she summoned a little courage and asked a question.

“So, what brings you here? Are you still a butcher, here in New York?”

“Some might say I was!” He laughed, “No, Hayley, I just made some bad decisions. When they start stacking on top of one another, well, any man can end up working all day for a decent meal and to stand close to a warm oven.”

“Would you tell me about it?” She asked, setting her jaw and summoning every one of her psych classes to mind. She arranged the knowledge like a soldier tidying her armoury, ready to go to war.

“Oh, that’s a long and sad story…”

“I’ve got time.” She said, jerking a thumb toward the mountain of carrots at her side.

“If you’re sure…” He murmured.

******

It was just my father and me back then. He worked at the shop from before dawn until late in the day. I’d wake alone and when I was done with school, I would usually head straight there. He always made me do my homework in the back office. I’d rush through my studies, listening to the sound of the little bell attached to the front door ringing, and plastic flaps un-sticking over and over again. He'd burst through them with the same energy every time to greet his customers with a smile. Keen to get a knife in my hand, I’d throw my pen down as soon as possible and get to processing through the next day's cuts. I was competitive, even then. I just wanted to be faster than my old man. I guess in hindsight, it’s obvious where I would end up. Especially with what happened to my mother. She had been sick, you see. Appendicitis. Had to have it removed, which is about as simple a surgery as you can have. Unless you get an attending that was more of a butcher than I ever was…

My father’s shop put me through med school, and I would work there as many days as I could spare. Sometimes, in the mornings before classes I’d be cleaning animal blood off my hands, ready to go coat them in the human kind, courtesy of a practice cadaver. Before I knew it, I was stood at the foot of a patients bed, chart in hand and explaining how I was going to remove their appendix, vowing no harm would come to them on my watch. I moved here to New York, ended up a resident at the Presbyterian hospital, and was suddenly on a trajectory toward importance and success. My skill as a surgeon grew, my bank balance with it. I spent so many of my days with a scalpel in hand I didn’t really have any time for spending. Especially after I paid out my father's mortgage and he was finally able to sell the shop, taking his first day off in living memory.

******

“Wait,” Hayley interrupted, sliding a full tray of chopped carrots away and pulling an empty one in, “How is it possible that a big city surgeon could end up…here? Surely that can’t happen?”

“Dear girl, anyone, no matter how hard working, talented, or wealthy, is only a handful of bad decisions away from sleeping under a bridge. It could be drink, drugs, or even something as mundane as getting laid off from an industry that is at its end.” Charlie said, pointing at different people in the kitchen as he gave examples.

He threw a fistful of bones into a separate pot alongside Hayley’s carrot tops. They’d be used up for broth. The last ounce of life would be drawn out of them, before they were finally tossed away. Charlie went back to handling a new slab of meat, his gaze distant. Hayley’s eyes widened when she realised he was carving the joint without even looking.

“My mistakes…they began with love.” He whispered.

******

It was a lonely existence. Spending every waking hour in service of the injured, dying and diseased. None of them ever felt much like chatting. My success began to feel hollow after a time. After all, what good is money, respect and status when you have nothing else. They aren’t things that can keep you warm at night. I’d had girlfriends of course. None of them lasted once they realised the reality of dating someone who was never around or always running out on plans last minute. No number of gifts can make up for absence. There’s a lesson for you, remember that one, girl.

When I met Aubrey, it was like the world ignited with a fire of life. Everything was brighter, sweeter and burned with an intensity I had never known. She was a nurse, recently hired to one of the wards I rotated through. Her smile, the way she blinked her eyes, those first few seconds were all it took. I was in love. We dated and were a sure thing within a year. I married that girl before the second year was out. I bought us a house, got her a new car, cleared her debts and set us on a path to family. Finally, I had somewhere my money could be put to use. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. I thought as a nurse that she would understand the lifestyle…but she was just like all the others. The swagger I loved in her hips, suddenly became an arrogant challenge. Her squeals of delight became growls of frustration. Our treasured free time together, became something I tried to avoid. Aubrey filed for divorce by the end of our third year. She took half of everything, of course. Plus, alimony. Turns out it was all my fault. How dare I continue to live my life as I had before a ring was on my finger? Who knows…maybe she was right…maybe I should have put her first. I still don’t really understand how marriage is supposed to work.

It wasn’t long before my life of plenty, turned into a struggle. With a massive hit to every paycheck, I found myself having to cut back, to go for the smaller apartment, get the car that needed a little work, make a sandwich instead of grabbing takeout. Little did I know at the time, that it wasn’t so bad, and a pretty good existence that many would dream of.

******

When Charlie paused, and his lips pursed with remembered pain, Hayley worried she had overstepped.

“I’m sorry,” she said, pulling on her lessons and displaying sympathy, “that sounds really hard. I’ve never met anyone that could light up my life in the way you describe, but I guess I’m lucky that I don’t know what it feels like to lose it either.”

Charlie swept ribbons of discarded fat into a large bin, wiped his knife on a towel and set to work on yet another piece. It was disgusting really, that they needed so much food. There shouldn’t be so many in need. Such numbers, all desperate enough to require the giant vats of stew that were beginning to boil on the many stove tops all around. The smell of gas flame mixed with blending broths had started to reach them, but it didn’t mean they were done yet. It just made it harder to focus.

“Well…all I’ll say is this. Be careful of those attractive lights, girl. They can be blinding. Before you know it, you could be clenched in the jaws, hidden in the shadows behind.”

******

I managed within my increasingly meagre means for a time, content to be alone after so much heartbreak. But people never learn, not really. Especially me. My father died, and a realisation hit home while I stood at his graveside. I truly had no one left after that. No parents, no wife, no children and no genuine friends. I had colleagues and acquaintances. But no one who would help me move, you know? So, I threw myself back into work, it was the only thing that made sense. When Abigail was wheeled in front of me, at so vulnerable a time, I broke.

She was ten years old. Needed a heart transplant. No insurance. No match in the system, and no money to pay for it anyway. The family came to beg me that day, to see if there was anything that I could do. My name had been at the top of the list when they were searching for someone to save their daughters life. Flattering, but the selfish part of me wishes it had been another. When I looked into that girl's eyes, I lost the ability to say no. I paid for it myself. I found a life-support donor, coerced the next of kin to give up on him, did the surgery. Abigail walked out to a future. I walked into a disciplinary committee. Turns out, doctors don’t get to choose who we pull the plug on, and who we fix. I lost my license, and my life. Two men faded to nothing, so that Abigail could step out those doors. It was a fair trade.

With no income and my accounts draining from the parasite that was my darling Aubrey. It wasn’t long before I ended up on the couches of my colleagues. The ones that hadn’t turned their backs on me anyway. Word to the wise, the day someone calls you into the kitchen for a ‘talk’ is the day you’re moving out. Before you ask it, no, I couldn’t just get a regular job. Ever hear of a surgeon working a checkout, or serving beers? No. That’s because no employer with any slither of an ego, chooses someone they deem better than themselves as a new hire. I promise you. I tried. I tried until it hurt too much to bother. Until my thoughts turned dark and my soul gave up. When my dwindling list of patient people finally ran dry, I spent my first night under the eaves of a department store and ate a meal I found abandoned on a bench.

******

Charlie slapped his last fistful of chucked beef into a pot and carried it over to the nearest oven. He placed it deftly down on the burner and then returned to clean his workstation with a wet cloth and disinfectant that smelt like poisoned lemon. Hayley looked to the pile of carrots beside her, wondering if it had gotten any smaller at all.

“So, young Hayley, when you’re standing on that line this evening, dumping this slop into bowls, I’d encourage you to smile. Every one of those men and women have a story, just like mine. Some are far worse, some aren’t so bad, some are dark as night. But all of those tales are attached to real people. People who once had dreams but made a couple of bad choices along the way. A little kindness, it might be all they have left.”

“Of course,” She said, her voice less convincing than she had meant it to be, “I understand. It’s why I’m here.”

“I hope so, but heed what I told you earlier as well. Keep your wits about you. When a man has nothing much to lose, he might have a mind to turn dangerous. A past is no guarantee of a future. Kindness doesn’t have to include stupid.”

“Right.” Hayley nodded, feeling anything but confident.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I’m next to you. You’ll do fine, I can see it. You’ve got some grit.”

“Thanks, Charlie. I appreciate you looking out for me. Looks like you just can’t stop helping people, even now.”

He smiled, huffed a single laugh from his nose and then his face fell flat again.

“So…how do you manage? Out there? You seem to be getting back on your feet?” Hayley asked, keen to get him talking again.

“Oh, no, girl. There will be no more standing for me. Let's just say I survive. Those are details I won’t be tainting an innocent young thing as you with. Now, pass me some of those carrots, let's see if we can’t get through them.’

“Thank you” she said, before sliding over a sack into his open and waiting arms, and giving up on hearing the rest of his story. Never push, that was the key lesson for a budding therapist to learn.

******

“I want you to give him a chance!” Hayley said, looking down at her Dad’s stern expression. His fingers were interlaced and his elbows were resting on the desk. It was the stance he always took when considering one of his children’s requests.

“You don’t know anything about this man,” He began, voice calm and measured, “All you have for me is a first name, ‘Charlie’... everything he said could have been a lie!”

Hayley scoffed at the old man's excuse. She walked over to his bookshelf, filled with medical textbooks and ran her finger down the spines. She knew he didn’t see psychology as true doctoring, but he must have known that he was always her inspiration. Her father had always been a hero to her. Never had she thought that she would ever meet someone who could compare, especially not in a soup kitchen.

“He’s a good man. He’s like you Dad.” She said, throwing him her most innocent smile, “Just give him a chance…please…for me?”

Her dad sighed heavily. The sign that she knew meant she had already won.

“Invite him over for dinner. Just…do me a favour? Get him some clean clothes and a shower first?”

“Sure!” She squealed, “I’ll take it out of your private practice expenses!”

Her Dad sighed again, shaking his head in defeat.

It was about time someone helped Charlie for a change, and she aimed to do just that. No matter who she had to leverage to do it.