Unrequited

When I was a younger man, I had been in the city more often than I was now, I was very fortunate to have the opportunity to work overseas, and I made sure to make the most of it. It didn’t pay well, I had too much work, and the people were terrible, and loved it.

I took all the work I could during the week and stayed up all night to get it done. Regardless of whether it was a simple task, like copying files, or something trickier, like “Hey, we need these 3,000 pages scanned online and a summary made into a PowerPoint no more than 25 slides long,” kind of tricky. But I did it, and it paid out.

Eventually it led to more work, which absolutely sucked, but after getting over the hump, I got my first supervisor position, and then another, and then another. I did not realize how many “titles” a corporate company could give, when it all just translated into “more work”. But the day finally came where I got more first pay bump.

The nice thing about being American in a southeast Asian country is that more often than not, your dollar stretches farther than it would normally back home. So when it came to the weekend, I could have two or three times the fun for the same price. Don’t get me wrong Monday through Friday afternoon I was focused and discipline. I took all the tasks and jobs no one wanted and was an indispensable part of the team. But when it came time for the weekend, that was my time.

Live Music, Clubs, “VIP” packages, Rooftops, everything was so cheap compared to life back home. Something that would cost the same amount as a used car, was now only a couple hundred, and for a guy that mainly spent his money on groceries and utilities, I had saved up enough for the weekend, even with the little the job already paid.

It’s funny because even in these big cities, the same crowds always flock to the same places. You get to know people, even in a city where there are millions of people, you’ll start to see the same faces even time, every week. Humans are habitual things and consistent even when they don’t know it. It’s how I met someone who I’ll never forget.

You see in a sea of homogenous people there’s a sprinkle of your usual oddities, your typical white expats that are there throwing money, like me, you’re tourists dressed out of fashion, or the creepy guy everyone is avoiding, but every now and again you see someone different, maybe it’s the way they dress, their dancing, but there’s something different about them.

When I was out with friends one evening, I met someone. Everything about her was different. Her hair snow white, her voice like a bath of melted chocolate, her clothes were tasteful, mature, sophisticated, she walked with such a grace and moved with a smooth elegance like a swan in water. It was completely by chance we met, but at the same time not at all. In this place of millions of people, all the expats, all the office workers, always went to the same four or five places. The same places that served fish n/ chips, Guinness, played British football, Australian Rubgy, and Indian cricket.

I’ll skip the hours of talking before I finally had enough liquid courage to ask for her number. We kept in contact and even bumped into each other a few times going out on the weekends. We got... close. Very close. Being with her was so easy and made me truly happy, there was a peace in soul, and a calmness to her presence that made the rest of the world blur out in the background where we could focus on each other. Something I’ve never experienced since.

For the first time in my life, my heart was exploding with joy, she inspired me, to write, to sing, to dance, to enter into a depth of understanding and empathy for all those love songs, and romance comedies. I screamed out the lyrics to Shrek’s version of “I’m a Believer” like 9 times before my voice gave out. I mean we could talk for HOURS, and I wouldn’t be tired of hearing her voice.

Let’s just say after a very sudden, very painful, and unresolved breakup, I was an unhappy person. I never thought I would be so affected by this, but I finally learned what it meant to miss “I miss you so much it hurts”. My chest was crumbling under the weight of the love it grew to hold. Betrayed by that same love, I was left hollow. The pain of each night feeling alone and unable to fight the need to see her, hold her, kiss her, just touch her once more was unbearable, the process was slow and dragged on for hours and days, unable to be comforted, I made the decision to return back to the United States and never come back here again.

This place held too much for me. At the end of this contract and what would be nearly six years to the day I step foot there, I was going home and leaving this all behind.

I was schedule to leave in June, but we unexpectedly saw each other in May, just a few days before we were scheduled to fly out.

I hadn’t seen her in months. I was numb, but still sensitive to the thoughts of her. It stings to think about her, and I got angry seeing all the other people who were living their happiest lives, holding hands, taking pictures, sneaking kisses like no one saw them. I harbored nothing but hate and disdain for all of them. But then I saw her, and there she was, going into the same government building as me for a series of unnecessarily long and dreadfully uninteresting appointments similar to the DMV but for leaving the country.

I needed to close pension accounts, update government addresses and tax filings, a ton of random paperwork things and identity confirmation work that needed to get done. I needed to get this done today and apparently so did she.

“Hi” I said, with a weak smile, enough to be kind, but with so much pain it’s impossible to hide. “Hi” she said. Before either of us could say something else, we were rushed to by the others who were going in and out of the building. For a brief moment, she made me forget everything again. Then like a bullet, memories and emotions, and reminders about my work shot through my head, and I remembered what I was there to do.

We went through the lobby and she kept her head down and tried to rush in front of me avoiding my eyes. But this whole building has it’s job and linear process of going through all the departments to get your paperwork done.

I was not trying to be close to her but ended right behind her in line.

I tapped her on the shoulder, and she looks at me with tears in her eyes, “Please I can’t do this here.”

Without thinking, I understood and said, “Please promise me we’ll after this appointment. Today.”

“I can’t.” she said, “I have other appointments to get through today.”

Each word she spoke become more and more of a whisper and more broken by the cracks in her voice trying to hold tears back and not lose composure. But the line was moving fast and we had to switch between a bureaucratic mindset and emotional one.

After an awkward encounter with government worker she was instructed to turn right and down a hallway to the office of the Social Security System. She looked back and I knew she wanted me to talk more, I knew her so well and she knew me. I put my Social Security paperwork first and got the instructions to go right and down the hall. Everyone in this office got a number and was told to wait. Estimated wait times were 20 minutes. I got my number and now my whole day of clerical navigation has been changed, I didn’t care about the tax brackets and deductions and how many days of residency I had completed, I didn’t care, it all meant nothing.

I went up to her, “May I please sit with you?”

“You know I can’t say no to you, but you shouldn’t.”

“I would fight anyone to stay here with you.”

“Come here.”

We sat awkwardly for a minute as she silently let out a few tears, I put my arm around, getting get touch as much as I could.

“You know that’s dangerous” she said jokingly. “That’s how we got here in the first place.”

I knew what she meant. When we touched each other, it was like being in a whole different world. Just being with her completed a part of my soul that I knew was always missing. I understand stood the meaning “lost in your eyes” being her brown eyes sparkled, they always had a glimmer of something beautiful in them. Even now, in what felt as the end of life, they still shined with an angelic glow that kept me attracted to her.

“I missed you. I miss you so much. It... hurt, how much I missed you.” I said it and wondered what she would say.

Then without before she could speak the announcer on the very distorted intercom screamed out in the native language and then again in English “Now serving number A50 at counter number 8.” I was A34. I took her wrist to show me her ticket number A33. We had some time, but not enough.

She said cleared her throat and said in a clear and stern voice, “I’m leaving the country.”

“Where will you go?”

“I’m going back home to Czech Republic. The visa status for Czechs changed and I’ve decided that it would be better to go home and start over.” It’s been nice here, but I need to start thinking about my future and plan for something more... permanent.”

“I could be permanent.” I said it without even thinking, like I wasn’t in control of my body.

She responded with, “You know we can’t. And It pains me to say so. I don’t want to hurt you and it’s really nice being with you, but I can’t. I just –“

Then the intercom came on again, it first in the native language, then in English, “Now serving number B029 at counter number 4.”

“That’s me. I need to go,” she said.

“I thought you were an A ticket??” I said clear sadness and desperation in my voice. She put her hand on my face, and I closed my eyes for a second just so I could feel her touch, it was life in my veins, her scent gave me strength.

“Yes, and B. I have a busy day today.” she said. As she was saying this showed my both tickets, she was showing her ‘B’ ticket was hidden behind her ‘A’ ticket.

“Please don’t leave without talking to me. I’m leaving too but I won’t give up.”

“I know you, You’re strong. You’ll be okay.”

“No, I-“

She didn’t let me finish. I saw her walk not even 30 feet from me and more than ever before she felt so far. She was there for so long, by the time red ‘A’ ticket was called she went straight there. My ticket was called within a few minutes after hers and it to sent to a agent about two counters away. She was close but now I couldn’t see her past the divide. My mind was foggy, I almost didn’t remember what I was here for. Thankfully, I wrote down the list and read it to the Social Security System (SSS) agent who began to make several copies of almost everything I gave him. His face showed he could not care any less, and as I wiped tears from my eyes, in an act I never expected from him, he gave me a packet of tempo tissues. I thanked him, took one and tried to give it back, he just put his hand up and “You keep”.

I still had like six other offices to visit and get cleared immigration status, but when I finished with SSS agent I immediately looked over to find her... she was not there. I looked everywhere for her in that room. I left the area, went outside, I tried calling her. No answer. I texted. No response.

I went back in with a weight I thought I had become accustomed to holding, yet it felt like more weight was added.

I finished the day and went to one of the local dives that I knew would be empty. I wanted to be left alone but not alone. Maybe I was just being childish, maybe that was why she left.

I was a few drinks in when the text came. It was long, it was very late, but I got to hear from her:

“I’m sorry I didn’t stay but it was like I said, I had a very busy day. I’m just finishing walking out of my apartment and it’s almost 10:00 at night. I’m leaving today, you know I’ve always let things until the last minute. I know I couldn’t with you and talk anymore because you would’ve just sucked me back in. I’ve loved you like no one else, but we want too many different things you’re thinking in numbers and colors while I’m thinking in letters and black and white. I don’t want to hold you back, and I don’t want you to hold me back. I don’t want you to sacrifice your goals and dreams to support mine, I want us both to be happy, but we wouldn’t work out like that. I hope you find someone that makes you happier. I don’t know what else to say, I know it’s not what either of us wanted, or the way we would’ve wanted it but there’s just no time to resolve it. I really hope you go home and make the life you’ve always wanted. Goodbye.”

I don’t remember much else from that night. Only the painful reminder that not all we lose in life is material.