When Reality Comes Knocking

I stared at her bemusedly from across the kitchen– no, I was staring THROUGH her, rather– trying to remember the exact moment she became a completely different person. My stare was vacant with disassociation while I let myself get lost in thought. She looked like the same Amira that I married 11 years ago; she dressed like her, wore the same vanilla/cinnamon perfume, even tied her hair low and loosely the way my other half did.

But the woman standing in front of me wasn’t my wife. The way the inflection in her tone changed slightly upwards at the end of her sentences, and her smile that seemed to stop just short of her eyes; I would typically be the last person in a room to notice an attitude shift, but the melancholy undertones coating her every word tonight would be near impossible for anyone to miss.

“See! Do you think I’m not able to tell when you’re here and when you’re somewhere else? You’re not even trying to listen to me, Theo.” There wasn’t a trace of malice in her voice– only exhaustion.

I flinched at the sudden interruption in thought. My eyes refocused and I immediately centered on the beauty mark just below her right eye. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to look directly into her maple brown gaze.

What kind of coward can’t look his wife in the eye?

“Sorry sweetheart, work was just, rough today.” I lied, not wanting her to see that I hadn’t, in fact, been listening.

Amira studied me inquisitively, almost as if she could tell I was lying to her; like she could see right through me. She closed her eyes and hung her head, a soft breath escaping her lips as she smirked with what appeared to be defeat.

“I bet it was. Just go take a shower, Theo, I can finish cleaning the kitchen.” She turned back to her spot at the kitchen sink, finishing dishes from tonight’s dinner that we had eaten in silence. Her words lingered in the air between us with rigid finality; a harsh statement rather than a sincere offer.

And that, right there, is exactly what’s been bothering me since I crossed the threshold of our home tonight. The woman I knew and loved would have placed her hand on my arm and asked me to tell her about my day. Then we would have ended the night with a glass of wine before going to bed and giggling with each other, whispering jokes and “I love you” countlessly until we fell asleep.

How long has it been since we’ve done that? Last week? Or maybe the week before. . .

I suddenly found myself thinking about when my lips had last touched hers, when I had last held her hand; such simple acts of love, but when had I stopped making an effort to do the bare minimum? The woman in front of me was somehow cold and emotionless– which was the direct opposite of the tender and affectionate Amira I had fallen in love with. I know I’ve been distancing myself from her and everyone else lately, but I never would have even entertained the idea that she might be pulling away from me too.

The realization seemed to hit me with crushing brute force. I had been so hung up on how my life had been treating me lately that I never stopped to consider that it might be treating her just as bad– if not worse. What have I been so caught up in that I couldn’t make the time to give my wife the love she deserves? What could possibly have been occupying my attention to the point that I couldn’t even see that she was suffering?

It hadn’t occurred to my small mind that I was the one who had drastically changed– not Amira. Her incredibly valid emotional response to my inability to be present was no fault of her own. The fault and responsibility for the slow deterioration of our marriage fell completely into my lap; it was beyond time I took accountability.

Rather than showering and going to bed like I normally would have to avoid a situation like this, I instead walked up behind her and gently slipped my arms around the curve of her waist. I pulled her body into mine, her form molding against mine as had been so natural for so many years. She leaned her temple instinctively into my cheek as the smell of her cucumber shampoo caressed my senses; the tension was dissipating quietly with every second I held her. I felt her body relax into mine and I helped her share the weight of the world for the first time in months.

It felt as natural as breathing, effortless to the point of tears.

Amira had been the first person in this world that made my heart feel truly safe. A broken home and spending more nights in a jail cell than in my own bed had made sure I grew up trusting no one and pushing everyone away. She has taught me so much in the years we’ve been together and she still continues to do so everyday. I brought dishonor to her and our bond by forgetting that.

She turned to me and silently tucked her arms against her chest between us, letting me pull her even closer. I intimately traced the shape of her jaw down to the tip of her chin before tilting her gaze to mine, peering tenderly into a soul missing its mate. Tendrils of her jet black hair fell loosely against her cheek, bringing my attention to parted lips that begged for my attention.

My heart was thundering fiercely beneath my ribcage; the most active it had been in a while. I brought my thumb to brush her bottom lip gently, a nearly silent intake of breath getting caught in her throat. Before my anxious mind could talk me out of it, I brought my lips to hers.

Everything that had been trying to drown me in the outside world had suddenly gone silent. None of the overdue bills mattered. My dead-end job didn’t even register as a priority. As far as I was concerned at this very moment, the rest of the world could have been on fire and none of it would have mattered in any capacity.

Some would call it divine intervention, God, or maybe just sheer luck; whatever it was that pierced the veil and opened my eyes, saved my marriage from the point of no return.

I pulled back from her, my hands grasping both sides of her face with a tenderness of which I didn’t know I was capable. If I didn’t tell her exactly what was on my heart now, I was afraid I may lose the one chance that the universe was offering me to right my wrongs.

“You’re everything to me and then some, Amira. I don’t know how I could have ever lost sight of that. I can’t ask for you to forgive me. I don’t deserve such mercy and I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted anything to do with me again.” My voice shook with emotion but my expression was unwavering and serious. “If by some miracle you still love me through all of the hell I’ve put you through, you’ll never spend another day, another second, wondering how large my love looms for you. That, I swear to you, my love.”

Amira’s hand reached towards my cheek and softly brushed away a tear I hadn’t realized had escaped. She smiled genuinely, sending electric currents up my arms and simultaneously down my spine.

“Not a day on this Earth will ever pass when I am not by your side, Theo. I am yours, forever. That, I can swear to you.”

Amira put her face into my neck and wrapped her arms tightly around me, inhaling deeply like she was trying to memorize what I smelled like. I embraced her tenaciously in return, letting her know that I understood without us having to speak another word to each other.

Never again would I take for granted the warmth and love that this astonishing woman continually poured into my life.