Cross Words

“Hey, does anyone have a three-letter word for –”

“Nobody is going to help you with your puzzles, Donnie. We are not in the mood.”

“You all are never interested. You just spend all day at each other’s throats.”

“That’s what brothers do. You wouldn’t know, you only had a sister.”

“You two are not, in fact, brothers.”

“Well, we are close enough to be brothers. Anyways, what was I saying?”

“Well, Michael, you said Harvey owed you an apology and the last thing Harvey said was that he does not understand what he has done wrong.”

“Really, Harv, you don’t get it? You need me to spell it out for you?”

“Hey, listen. I really don’t like the way you’re looking at me right now, Mikey. And if you want me to spell it out so bad then, why don’t you GTFO?”

“Oh, Harvey, you really should not use acronyms when you do not know what they mean –”

“No, Donnie, let him tell us what he thinks it means. Look at him. Hands on his hips like he’s gonna do something. He clearly doesn’t know what it means –”

“I know what it means. GTFO - get the frick over it.”

“Harvey, that would be GTFOI.”

“Donnie, don’t correct him.”

“Don’t tell Donnie what to do. Hey, Mikey, look at me. Don’t tell Donnie what to do when he’s trying to help. Why don’t you just STFU?”

“Oh. That is not okay. Now, I really cannot let you say that! You two have known each other too long to say ‘shut the fu –’”

“No, no, Donnie. It’s okay. I’m fine. Brothers, remember? This is how we talk, you know? How about we let Harv here tell us what he thinks STFU means? You know, since he’s such a big fan of acronyms.”

“Wait… which acronym?”

“Oh, God.”

“Sorry, are you asking… what is an acronym?”

“No, which acronym?”

“Harvey, surely you know the definition of an acronym. It is a word that is formed by the initial letter of each word in a phrase. Acronyms are pronounced like words. NASA, for example, is the National Aeronautics and Space Administration but, also, a word that means the same thing. Even when we say RADAR, we are using an acronym – Radio Detection and Ranging. We use acronyms so frequently that we don’t even recognize them anymore – the way you did, just now.”

“Wow. That was beautifully said, Donnie. I couldn’t’ve said it better myself. You know, Donnie, you would have made a great teacher. You missed your calling.”

“I know you are being facetious but, I’m going to say thank you, anyway, Michael. I really –”

“Oh, shut up, Donnie. And don’t call me Michael, you sound like my mother. Listen, Harv, you sound silly when you say things and you don’t even know what they mean.”

“Okay, so, you’re telling me GTFO is an acronym?”

“Well...”

“Oh, Jesus, here we go.”

“Because see, I thought GTFO was just an initialism.”

“Wow, Harvey, I… genuinely did not think you had an inkling of the difference between an acronym and initialism.”

“Yeah, well, spend enough time in this cell, and you will eventually correct me. I can pick up a dictionary, too, you know. I read things.”

“Sure, Harv. Sure, you do.”

“Right… you ‘read things’… anyway, erm, what were we talking about again?”

“Oh, Harv – who ‘reads things’ – was going to explain the difference between an acronym and an initialism. Then, illuminate us on why he might have told me to both get the fuck out and shut the fuck up in the span of the last three minutes.”

“Hey, woah, I already said that’s not what I meant.”

“Now, gentleman –”

“You never said that.”

“Yes, I did.”

“Harvey –”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Michael –”

“Okay, how about I said it, and you just didn’t hear me say it?”

“Time to move.”

“You didn’t say it! Cause if you had apologized, I wouldn’t be ready to punch you in the face right now!”

“Hey! GTFO, pal!”

“Harvey, that means –”

“Shut up, Donnie, he knew what he meant the whole time!”

“You know what, Mikey, stop bossing Donnie around when it’s me you have a problem with –”

“Damn it, that hurt –”

“Oh, that sounded loud and I closed my eyes, but I feel like I should have been watching… Oh… oh, you hit him quite hard, Michael.”

“Well, now he’s quiet and I can have some peace. Peace and quiet. And don’t you get started on your acronyms and initials and your New York Times crosswords, alright? I’m tired of it.”

“I would like to remind you we are in a federal prison, Michael. The entertainment is limited.”

“Wha -“

“Oh my God, he’s already waking up.”

“Damn it all.”

“Wha – what happened?”

“I feel like I should call for help.”

“Shut up, Donnie.”

“Mikey… did you… did you hit me?”

“Yeah, Harv, I hit you.”

“Oh, fuck, Mikey, really? And you! You let him?”

“Gentlemen, I am an accountant.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Yeah, you tryna say you never been in a fight?”

“Well, not exactly…”

“Oh my God. You have never even taken a punch, have you?”

“I can’t believe what I am hearing.”

“I liked it better when I was not the center of attention.”

“Well, now we know you have never taken a punch. You’re fascinating. Right, Mikey?”

“Yeah, Harv, this guy is like… Ghandi.”

“I do not think that means what you think it means.”

“Donnie, please, let’s let Mikey illuminate us.”

“Shut up, Harv.”

“No, Mikey. You shut up and LOL.”

“What?”

“LOL – listen or learn.”

“Harv, seriously?”

“Wait, that’s it!”

“What is what?”

“Harv, again with the ‘what’ and the ‘what’s’ and the ‘what is’ –”

“A three-letter word for raucous laughter. I can’t believe it. You finished my crossword with your initialisms. Maybe you do read ‘stuff.’”

“Shut up, Donnie.”

“Yeah, shut up, kid. My face hurts.”