Before I Lose You...

One winter secret might finally thaw—or shatter—the most important relationship Shayla has left.

Per usual, Shayla calls and I come running…willingly every single time. The guys never miss an opportunity to mock me for being there whenever she calls but I don’t care. She needs me more than ever now and I won’t disappoint her or leave her to get through the first Christmas since Josie died alone. Basketball got cut short to hang ornaments and hopefully make her crack a smile.

For as long as I can remember I’ve loved Shayla, from the first time I met her back in high school I looked at her and saw the beauty of her spirit. She has eyes that truly are the windows to her soul, a piercing yet soft stare that would make any man who’s not secure in themselves uncomfortable.

I’ll never forget meeting her on what seemed like the hottest day of August at the bus stop, both of us visibly irritated with how long we had been waiting, beads of sweat on our foreheads and she looked up at me with those eyes before asking if I had the bus tracker app on my phone. God must have favored me that day because I had downloaded it a few days before–I was able to strike up a conversation after answering her question and she hasn’t been able to get rid of me since. She’s my best friend, my confidant, and the safe space I never knew I needed. I can’t imagine my life without her.

“I thought I had lost the battle to the guys, I was about to start without you.” Shayla teases as she swings the door open to usher me inside. Warm vanilla fills the air–her mother’s favorite candle. I've smelled it every ornament hanging for the last ten years, but this is the first time we’re not in the presence of the woman who put cheer in Christmas cheer. Shayla won’t let the tradition die and somehow this makes me fall for her even harder.

“Let me get the cookies out of the oven, I know you don’t play about these butter cookies.” She had the strength to pull out Josie’s recipe book–this girl’s strength never ceases to amaze me.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks.

I wish I could tell her.. “Wondering if I should call my brother and let him know the nearest ER in case these cookies take me out,” I joke.

“Don’t play with me Deontay, you know my mama made sure I could throw down.” She replies with a smirk that quickly fades, the grief in her eyes becomes visible. She looks away and I quickly change the subject.

“Where’s ya boy? I just knew he’d be here to hate on me.”

I couldn’t finish my sentence before the phone rang on the counter, it was him…Kendall.

Shayla has never picked men who actually cared about her, she always picks the ones who treat her as a trophy. Kendall is no different–a corporate businessman with a polished smile to distract you from his terrible personality.

“Hey baby,” she answers sweetly. I roll my eyes, grab a cookie, and head back to the living room.

—-

“Hey babe, I’m glad you were able to come by. I know you’ve been so busy and work has been hectic because of the year end,” I pray he notices that even in my sorrow, I still care.

“Yeah…it’s been crazy”, he says bluntly. I have to talk to you about something, Shayla, have a seat…”

I sit down, a lump in my throat and my stomach in knots afraid of what’s coming next because he never calls me Shayla. “Okay…what’s up?”

He inhales deeply, stares across the room and turns to me before saying, “This hasn’t been working for me and I’ve been trying to figure out how to say it without hurting you”...

That’s the last thing I hear, my chest tightens, my breathing is shallow and I fight back the hot tears welling up in my eyes.

“Get out!”

He’s startled by the outburst, “I thought we could talk about this like adults and amicably break things off”.

“Get the fuck out Kendall”, I say in what I’m sure sounded like a growl.

I slammed the door behind him and let the tears flow down my face, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me like this. The audacity of this man to come to my house, to not even consider the pain I’m already in, to break up with me during the hardest time of my life…fuck him.

—--

I grab my smoothie, my car keys, and my purse before heading out the door to work. I have had the luxury of never having to clean my car off after it snows because I have the sweetest neighbor. He cleans my car in the wee hours of the morning and I take him over cookies every once in a while to say thanks and no matter how many times this happens he always appears to be taken aback that I’m bringing him cookies.

“Deontay, I’m not ready to talk about it. Can we talk about something else?” I talk to Deontay on the way to work most days but today I’m just not feeling it.

“Actually, I’ll call you back later.”

I let my feelings get the best of me, I wanted to hear her say she never wanted to see Kendall again. I wanted to let her pour her heart out so I could wrap my arms around her if only it were through the phone, I wanted her to know that she was safe and will always have me. But I’m sure that backfired, she couldn’t get off the phone fast enough.

Deontay: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Lunch is on me…Call me later if you’re up to it.

I stare at the message and wait to see if the bubble appears from her writing back.

Shayla: Aw Dee, it’s okay. Everything is…a lot and I’m just trying to make sense of so much but thanks for the lunch. You know I’ll never turn that down lol.

Mr. Ramsey shakes his head at me after seeing that I circled the block to shovel the sidewalk and make a path from her door. “Boy, when are you going to tell that girl that it’s you doing all of this? I’m sure she thinks something is wrong with me because I’m dumbfounded every time she comes over here with them cookies.”

“You eat them though, don't you?”

“Yep, they’re a great reward for my secrecy.” We both laugh and I get started on the work I’ve tasked myself with.

I can’t risk losing her, what would she think of me telling her I’m in love with her? I’ve spent years listening to her deepest, darkest secrets and now at what couldn’t be the most inopportune time, I confess my love. Absolutely not. If I can’t have her as my woman, I’ll always remain what I’ve always been…

Her friend.

Her safe space.

Her constant…even if it hurts.

—--

“Shayla? Shayla?!”

“Yes?,” I jump at the sound of my assistant’s voice.

“Thomas wants to know if you can set up a meeting with him to discuss the figures you came up with for the marketing budget of this new product.”

“Yeah, yeah…okay…let’s set something up for next week…let everyone know I’ll be taking the next two days off–actually I should probably head out now. I have a family emergency.”

The walls feel like they're closing in, the wind makes my tears feel like needles to my skin, but my soul needs this release. I wish I could call my mama, I wish that Kendall didn’t mean anything to me but neither option holds any weight–mama’s not here anymore and my heart hurts. I just need to get home.

Mr. Ramsey has outdone himself–the sidewalk is shoveled and a path is made…at least he cares about me. I exit the car moving as fast as I can without running to evade the bone-chilling cold.

“Deontay? What are you doing here?”

I freeze in place, my heart instantly races at the sound of her voice, what should I say?

“What are you doing here?”

That was dumb but it buys me time. Bag of salt in one hand, shovel in the other, I can’t lie to her…

“I live here, fool. Now explain to me what’s going on here?”

“Uh, I knew you were having a hard day and I messed up earlier so I just wanted to take something off your plate.”

I hope she buys it, speaking of buying she then took my money because obviously she’s not at work buying lunch.

“Dee, that’s so sweet of you. Man, I told you everything was okay, I’m just super emotional. Don’t take anything I say or do right now personally.”

I’m slow to respond because this is a perfect moment to tell her it wouldn’t matter how she reacted. I'd still be right here making sure she has everything she needs.

“Got it, well I was putting these things back so I could head home.”

Before I rush away to avoid her seeing any signs of anything other than her doting best friend written all over my face, I notice what looks like white paths etched on her beautiful face from tears that she obviously cried on the way here and I can’t help myself.

“Do you want me to stick around? I could call off, you know I’m always down to play hooky from the gig.” Everything in me is praying that she says yes.

“You know what…yeah…yeah…let’s chill and watch some comedy specials.” Her voice trails off but I hear her mumble fuck Kendall–music to my ears.

“So you really weren’t going to tell me that you shoveled the snow for me?”

I mean I’ve only been hiding these types of gestures for years now…”Nah, for what? I don’t need you believing you can expect this of me all the time?” I laugh knowing it would be the best thing that happened to me to be able to do just that.

” Boy bye, you know ain’t no shame in my game. Closed mouths don’t get fed and I’m going to ask for a favor every time.”

We both laugh and I stop to study her smile, the grace she’s embodying while going through so much internally.

“My mama always told me to keep you around but that’s only because she didn’t know the version of you that I do, slick as a can of oil.”

“Josie has always had an eye for greatness, what can I say?”

“Yeah, whatever.”

We hold each other’s gaze a little longer than friends should and it sends bolts of lightning through my body to even consider that she could have something for me…or could it be the pang of loneliness she’s feeling.

“Deontay?!” I nearly dropped the tea kettle from the urgency in Shayla’s voice.

“Yeah?” I call out as I rush into the living room to make sure nothing is wrong.

“I just went out to grab my package from the porch and Mrs. Henderson seems to think that it was you who cleaned my car off this morning. In fact, she insisted it was you and was happy that I finally caught you.”

“What?”

“Yeah, she said that she’s watched you do so much for me over the years and she’s been rooting for you the entire time.”

“Old people can be so damn nosey…”

“So you’re saying she’s right?” Hands crossed and eyes watching my every move before I answer, I’m lost for words because I can’t lie to her.

“She’s right…you’re my best friend. Is it a bad thing that I like to make sure you’re good?”

“No, but why keep it a secret?”

“Because…because I value our friendship.”

“Bro, what are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Because I fucking love you Shayla and I never wanted to make things weird between us.” It slips out my mouth before I have the chance to catch it. The silence is deafening and I instantly feel like my greatest fear has just come true. Her face is still, I can’t read it.

“What?”

I see the tears welling up in her eyes and I feel like a complete idiot. “Shayla…” I whisper, unsure if I’m apologizing or pleading. She steps back, wipes the tears from her eyes, and stares at me for a second longer.

“I’m already a mess Dee, what is this?”, she whispers.

“I know,” it’s all I can muster up to say at the moment.

“I don’t know what to say…I’m grieving my mom, Kendall blindsided me, and now this…”

“I’m not expecting anything of you Shayla–you don’t have to say anything.” She turns her back to me and I can see her body convulse from allowing the emotions to wash over her–what do I do? I walk beside her and grab her hand, “I love you regardless of how you feel about me…I’d love you quietly for however long you’d allow me to before I lose you loudly once.”

She looks up to me with eyes full of overwhelm, returns the grasp I have on her hand, and while I still feel terrible about putting her in this predicament, her holding my hand gives me some hope. The hope that I needed to stop holding my breath. “I need some time to process this Dee, my mind is all over the place…I just need some time…”

“Your tea is on the counter, I’m gonna head out.” I kiss her on the forehead and quietly let her know that she can take all the time she needs.

—---

The quiet has been unbearable. This is the longest I’ve ever been without speaking to Dee and it feels off. I respect him for giving me my space but I’m so mad at him for the same reason. It’s been so lonely, so quiet, so empty without him. I’ve never noticed how much color he adds to my life, how much my world stabilizes with him near, how I can never imagine my life without him. But what does that mean? “I hate it here”, I sigh loudly and begrudgingly grab my keys to go clean and warm up my car since I know now Mr. Ramsey has been playing in my face the entire time–wait until I see him.

I open the door and the snow blows in so forcefully that I close my eyes before trekking to the car. I opened my eyes and there he was…I saw his silhouette, there’s no mistaking him for Mr. Ramsey. I walk closer to him before saying his name, “Deontay.” He freezes in place, turns around and starts to speak before I can say anything else.

“I didn’t want to go back on my word and try contacting you, I just did what I always do–nothing weird. I planned to be done before you came out.”

“I’ve missed you Dee.” His shoulders drop but he says nothing. “I know you were giving me time, thank you, but being without you in my corner this past week put so much in perspective.” He’s still frozen in place. I walk close enough to him to smell his cologne and feel the warmth coming off of his body. “I’m scared, Dee but I’m even more scared of not figuring out what could be between the two of us…” He cuts me off, “Shayla, you have nothing to be afraid of, I will always be here…” I step forward again now nothing is separating us but the frosty wind, I look into his eyes, the snowflakes on his eyelashes look like tiny crystals, “I know.” I tug his coat collar to get him to my level and kiss him. Time stops. The warmth inside thaws me right out. He pulls me in by the waist and asks me, “are you sure?” I smile and tell him, “ I have never been more sure of anything else in my life.” The snow is still falling, the wind is still blowing, but for the first time this season, I’m not cold.

I smile because I know somewhere behind a frosted window, there’s Mrs. Henderson, watching from afar happy that she told his secret.