The Cost of the Cross

His body violently shivered as he lay on his side in a ball like an animal protecting himself from the elements. The jumpsuit did nothing for warmth; the thin, unwelcoming mat pressed cold against his skin. His stomach roared with cramps from a hunger that couldn’t be satisfied. He felt every muscle fiber contracting, dying for relief from meth withdrawal. His cries had been silenced by the seasoned inmate trying to sleep on the bottom bunk.

“Fuck man, I know you’re going through withdrawals, but goddamn, I’ve never heard anyone make as much noise as you,” the man muttered. Leigh could hardly hear his cellmate’s voice through the self-loathing and soul-crushing hopelessness boiling inside of him. He had never experienced withdrawal before; outside of jail, he always had someone to enable him before he got to this point.

“I never thought I would have to feel like this,” Leigh whispered, partially to himself and the other to the disgruntled, tired man beneath him.

The unseen torture went on for the entire night, leaving both Leigh and his cellmate sleepless. When the cell doors opened in the morning, his cellmate exited the room to get his morning medication, and Leigh remained in the same position he put himself in when he lay in his bunk for the first time. Tears slipped through the numbness as he replayed the moment that put him where he was.

Her breathing became more rapid and shallow, her fingers trembling as they shuffled through every drawer in her jewelry box. “No, no, no…” Anna muttered. Her baptism was that afternoon, and she wanted more than anything to be wearing the one heirloom that her grandmother left her before she died– a yellow gold cross set with tiny diamonds. When she sifted through the final drawer for the fifth time, she collapsed to her knees and screamed as she placed her head in her hands. This wasn’t the first time Leigh had gotten desperate. How could he have hurt her like this? She slammed her fists to the ground before standing up and storming down the hall to the living room. She found him lounging on the couch in the dark, staring at the TV. His jaw was tight and his eyes were barely blinking.

“Where is it, Leigh???” Anna shouted through the tears.

He shrugged, indifferent towards his girlfriend’s distress. “I dunno, babe. You’re always losing your shit,” he answered.

“Am I losing my shit or is my druggie boyfriend stealing it???” she shrieked as she stepped in front of the TV and shut it off. She turned towards him, and he pushed himself up off the couch.

“I’m sick of you accusing me of shit like that,” he huffed. He walked down the hall to their bedroom. She followed him, two steps behind.

“Let’s open the history book then, shall we? You pawned my violin, my laptop, my fucking car… And that’s all you’ve admitted to! I never thought you’d stoop so low as to steal the one thing I had left of my grandmother.”

“I said I didn’t–” he started, then huffed as he hesitated. “I was going to replace it,” he said quietly. Anna narrowed her eyes at him. Leigh’s gaze remained on the floor, too ashamed to look her in the face. After a pause, he shook his head and rolled his eyes, leaning his head back. “Oh, what does it matter anyway? You never even used to believe that Christian mythology bullshit,” he scoffed.

“I’m getting baptized today,” she replied, her tone firm. “I may not have worn that necklace in the last five years I’ve had it, but it was more important to me now than it ever has been,” she said as a tear slipped out of her eye. “It wasn’t yours to give away.” He heaved a sigh and shook his head. Anna wiped away the tear rolling down her face and pondered her next move. “Where are the drugs, Leigh?”

She waited for a single drop of remorse. But all he did was shove his hands in his pockets, lean against the door, and keep his distant gaze aimed at the floor. More tears spilled out of her eyes as a sharp pang gnawed at her chest. If there was one thing she learned in rehab, it was that she couldn’t help everyone… This was the last time she would allow him to choose drugs over her. This time, she chose herself — no matter how bad it hurt.

“I can’t do this anymore… I’ve given you so many second chances.” She spoke through tears as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and disappeared down the hall, leaving him alone in their bedroom. He sat on the bed and stared at the ceiling, searching for any ounce of emotion. He knew he was numb when he didn’t react to his girlfriend’s voice from down the hall: “Yes… I would like to report a theft…”

“Hi, you’ve reached Anna Davis. I’m sorry I missed your call…” Leigh’s shoulders sank as he hung the phone back up before he could leave a message. He’d already left at least five. He hid his face in his hands until he heard the sound of another inmate clearing his throat behind him, waiting for him to get off the phone. He got up from the stool without turning around to face him, and he made his way towards the stairs that led to his cell.

He made it halfway up the staircase when a voice stopped him in his tracks.

“No matter how far gone you believe you are, you’re never too far from God,” it said. Leigh frowned as he searched for the source of the voice. His eyes finally landed on a circular table of four inmates. One of the men had the Bible in front of him. The others leaned in, listening intently.

“Bull shit,” he said with a bitter laugh. The words flew out of Leigh’s mouth louder and faster than he intended, but he also didn’t regret saying them. They carried the weight of his past — every moment he’d felt abandoned, lost, unloved, unwanted, and shunned. They turned their heads and looked up, unoffended by his callousness.

“I said that same thing once,” the leader of the table said gently. Leigh’s fists clenched up as he leaned over the rail.

“You can’t be close to something that doesn’t and has never existed,” he hissed. The leader of the group leaned forward on the table and softened his eyes.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

Leigh scoffed. “I’m not telling you that.”

“That’s alright,” he replied. “I’m Luke.” Luke’s kindness was something that Leigh desperately needed while in jail, but his mind was made up that he would not show him the same kindness. Luke continued. “I won’t force the scripture on you. That isn’t the way God works. But, the invitation is open for you to join us whenever you’d like.”

“Don’t count on it,” Leigh waved him off and stormed up the stairs to his cell.

No matter how far gone you believe you are, you’re never too far from God. Luke’s words had taken up residence in his mind for the rest of the night. Every time they surfaced in his head, he could feel his resistance breaking down little by little. When the sun’s golden, early morning rays peeked through the small slivers of the cell’s window, he realized he had another sleepless night. He groaned as he rolled onto his back to look at the ceiling.

“If you are real, it would be about fucking time you showed up,” he grumbled. When rec time came that evening, he tried calling Anna again. Just like the last six times, there was no answer. Defeated, he got up from the stool and was about to go back to his cell when he heard Luke’s voice cut through the crowd again.

His blood didn’t boil this time. His fists didn’t clench. The feeling of anger that was there before still spoke, but in a quiet whisper. Curiosity pulled him forward before pride could stop him as he made his way to the table where Luke and the usual three inmates sat. His heart pounded as he stood above them. Luke welcomed him with a warm smile. “Welcome,” he said. Leigh put up his hand before he could say anything else.

“I’m not staying. I just have a question,” he said firmly. He glanced down at the Bible that sat in front of Luke. “Where did you get that?” he asked. Luke looked up at him with softened eyes that put more cracks in Leigh’s resistance and frustration. He pushed the Bible over to him, and Leigh hesitated before picking it up. He turned to walk away when Luke spoke up again.

“Start with the book of John,” he said. “Don’t worry about the rest yet. Read about Him first.” Leigh gave a nearly unnoticeable nod, then turned and walked up the stairs to his cell.

He climbed onto the top bunk and played with the pages of the worn leather Bible, wondering if it would somehow burn him. It didn’t, but he still couldn’t bring himself to open the pages and read. The fragile, thin pages and small print seemed so intimidating that he wasn’t sure he could read it all. Then, he remembered Luke’s advice to start small. His hands trembled as he located the table of contents and turned to the book of John. By the time he started reading, it was nearly time to turn in for the night. The words drew him in so intensely that he couldn’t stop, even when the lights went out. The light from outside his window gave him just enough light that he could still read if he squinted. By the time the sun began to rise again, he was left speechless by what he just read. He stared blankly at the ceiling, a little tear leaking out of the corner as he remembered something that he originally shook off as insignificant.

He remembered how unusable his hands were that day. He had been on the brink of withdrawal, and it was about to get worse if he didn’t satisfy his craving. He knew he had no money. He’d sworn off stealing from his girlfriend, and he’d been doing well with that for the past several months. But, there was one thing that he knew would give him what he needed; the only thing of real monetary value in their home.

His breath hastened as he fumbled through the jewelry box, desperately searching for what he knew would make the pain stop before it got worse. When his fingers finally grabbed hold of the delicate gold chain with the diamond cross pendant, he clutched onto it like a lifeline and carelessly shoved it into his pocket, knowing that he would finally feel normal again in just a little while.

He remembered everything, except feeling any remorse. Did he feel anything at all? Did he even think about Anna?

Whatever he didn’t feel then, it all came crashing down on him upon closing that Bible. All of the regret, all of the pain he knew he caused the woman he loved, all of the shame for having broken his promise to her… He pressed a hand to his chest, feeling the weight of what he’d taken—and what he could never undo. All at once, the gravity of his actions hit him, leaving him breathless and broken.

Leigh allowed a sob to break free. If his cell mate were complaining at all, he couldn’t hear it. All he could hear was the release of a lifetime of shame, loneliness, and hate flowing out of him. When he felt like it was all over, he sat with his head in his hands and gently sobbed. He felt a lump in his throat developing. He took a deep breath and allowed the words to flow out.

“I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” In that moment, he felt the one thing he had been craving his whole life: Unconditional love, wrapping around him like a comforting weighted blanket. Leigh looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes, breathing in every ounce of peace.

Leigh rushed down the stairs, clutching the Bible. He was nearly out of breath when he reached the table.

“Where is Luke?” Leigh asked. The three inmates looked at each other, then back up at him before one of them spoke up.

“He was released this morning,” he replied. Leigh could feel his heart sink. Still out of breath, he looked at the Bible in his hand.

“This was his,” he breathed out. The inmate nodded.

“We know,” he replied. “He wanted you to keep it.”

Leigh could feel the lump developing quickly in his throat again. Why would someone extend such kindness to someone like him? He wiped away a tear and sniffled. “I’m Leigh. May I join you all?” A warm smile appeared on each of their faces. One of them scooted over and invited Leigh to sit. For the first time, Leigh found himself in a group of people willing to give him a second chance.

18 months later

Anna was applying one final touch to her makeup when she heard a knock at her apartment door. Her eyebrows furrowed, knowing she wouldn’t have invited anyone over so close to the time she usually leaves. It was a gentle knock, so she knew it wasn’t urgent, but something in her heart whispered to her to answer. She looked through the peephole and wasn’t sure she recognized who it was on the other side. Whoever it was, he was holding a small gift bag. As much as her instincts told her not to open her door, there was a voice in her head insisting that she open it. She heaved a quick sigh and whispered under her breath: Alright, God. I trust you. She slowly undid the lock and pulled the door open. Her eyes widened, and her breath was taken away when she realized who it was.

Leigh.

But it wasn’t the Leigh she remembered. His eyes were clear and not sunken in. His skin was smooth. His hair was groomed and kempt. He carried an air of confidence that she never remembered having. Her mouth hung wide open as she struggled to find the words to speak. There was a moment of silence between the two as they both tried to sort out the tangle of the emotions they were feeling.

“Hi, Anna,” Leigh finally said, his voice soft and gentle. Her voice cracked before she spoke.

“Hi,” she said. Leigh took a deep breath before speaking again.

“I know the last time we saw each other, I had just done something that completely betrayed you,” he started. Anna’s heart raced as she listened. “I took something from you. Something that I didn’t even consider the consequences of stealing. Yes, it was illegal, but I know now that it went so much deeper than that.”

Anna nodded as a tear rolled down her face. “Yes,” was all she could manage to get out.

“Well, while I was in jail, I started really working on myself, and once I was out, I checked myself straight into rehab. I’ve been sober for a year, and I actually just got accepted into trade school.” Anna nodded and cried while he spoke. “And I’m not telling you all of this because I’m trying to make you change your mind about me, but I do want you to know that I know what I did was wrong. And I wanted to do what I could to make it right.” Leigh lifted the bag and handed it to her. Anna took it with trembling hands and pulled out a small box. She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand when she opened it.

Glimmering in the light of the sun was the familiar, beautiful yellow gold chain and diamond cross pendant that she believed was gone forever.

“How did you…” she started, but couldn’t finish through the grateful sobs.

“I managed to track it down for you,” he said with a soft smile. “I found it as soon as I got out of jail and I kept it until the time was right.”

Time stood still as Anna soaked in the gratitude she felt for holding her grandmother’s love once again. She wasn’t sure how she felt about the man giving it back to her, but she didn’t feel pressure to know right now. After a moment’s silence, Leigh spoke up again.

“Well, I guess that’s all I really wanted to say. I don’t expect you to forgive me…I just wanted to return this to where it belongs,” he said as he started to step away from the door.

“Wait,” she said as she wiped away a tear. “I was just about to grab some coffee before I met with some of the ladies at church. Would you like to join me?”

Leigh turned back towards her. His eyes glistened with his softened smile. “Sure,” he said. He didn’t know what the future held, but right then, as the cross caught the morning light, he felt something like peace.