Finding Vienna

“My Dearest, 

It has been ten years since my eyes have befallen your beauty. I know that this confession shall never find you, so I may speak freely of my true desires. It was my worst mistake to leave you in such a dark time…”

“Apparently fate has a sense of humor,” my granddaughter mused as she leafed through an old box in my attic. Photos scattered throughout the room as my eyes fell on an image that read on the back, “Danny and Me 1959”. I inclined my head to her. Despite my age, my mind was sharper than it ever was. My physical limitations caused others to assume I had gone brain dead, so I allowed them to think that way. 

Not many would believe me. Who would take the word of a crazy old woman? Apparently my granddaughter because she continued, “It’s an old letter from him. He seemed convinced that you would never get this.” 

My eyebrows raised in question. Almost ten years have passed since I last saw him.

“He says that he shouldn’t have left you like that in your darkest hour? I thought you two were about to get married?” she said.

I stared out the window at the sky to think for a moment. No one really knew the true nature of our relationship. We didn’t either I suppose. There was always a surprise from one of us. 

I opened my frail mouth to respond only to find that no words came from my mouth. My head bent low in defeat. “It’s okay, I know you have a lot to say.” 

That was an understatement. There were so many things I wanted to tell her about. I wanted to describe the feeling of love he used to bring me. The warm embrace that came from within my very soul when I saw him. I wanted to tell her all the things she ought to know. All the things of the world that no one ever tells you. The things that you learn on your own.

“Grandma?” she offered . My eyes rose to meet her blue ones. “What if you wrote everything down?” I cocked my head to the side in question. “Like a memoir? Or even just a collection of letters?” 

It was clear to me that she wanted to know what was going on in my mind. When I was younger, I was able to share things with her on the good days. Every minute was perfect. It took away a little bit of the pain when I told her things. Things I told no one else. It was always our little secret. She would whisk me away to the corner room in my house every time. We talkws for hours about things that mattered. 

“Would you like that?” she insisted.

With all the strength I had left, I nodded. 

A bright smile appeared on her face. My heart glowed with delight. If this could work… I could tell her everything. 

“We can start as soon as I get it all set up,” she said, “let’s get downstairs and eat some lunch before you start.” 

She walked down the stairs, leaving me in the dusty attic. The letter was left on the desk, taunting me. I willed myself to pick it up, but my body wouldn't let me. Frustration overcame me, and my arms thrashed.

By some miracle, a gust of wind came through the window and lifted up the letter, placing it in my lap. I picked up the paper, worn from the years and read the next part. 

“It was my worst mistake to leave you in such a dark time. A single day has not passed without you constantly on my mind. Even though it's been years, my love for you is stronger than ever. I still remember the first day that our eyes met. It was a day like no other. Your wandering gaze caught mine and it was as if fate was set. It was as if all of the stars in the cosmos collided and formed one bright, blinding light. 

That’s what I felt when I first saw you. I fell so in love with you then. All my fantasies drifted far, far away and you were at the center of the universe. I remember my feet moving on their own accord because my mind could not think. 

We talked for hours that day. Then for longer that night...”

“Grandma! I found the typewriter! I know you don’t like using the computer so I went into the basement to look…” she trailed off upon seeing me with the letter in my hands, her face a white sheet of fear.

She eyed me nervously as she continued, “I uh found the typewriter… do you want to start?” 

I nodded, unable to remove the letter from my mind. Had I found this ten years ago, I would have gone running to him, but now I was too old and soon enough I would be removed from this world.

All of the days spent with him ran through my mind. The moment I saw him felt the same as he described it. A supernova exploded in the cosmos, eliciting a new heartbeat from my chest. We were two moons circling the same planet in a cruel unforgiving dance, both of us chasing the other but never touching. The inertia of love pulled us together only to push us apart the moment our proximity was tangible in the air. 

Each minute with him was a small infinity, but an infinity nonetheless. He had this special quality about him that made me crazy. I was constantly running after him, wanting to win his heart even though it was mine. 

On my 30th birthday we met in a moonlight meadow to celebrate. He had brought a small basket filled with snacks that we enjoyed for hours. That night the sky was clearer than crystal and the stars winked down on us as bright luminaries. I can still remember as the cool breeze wafted through the air, rustling my hair. He smiled at me and offered to go on a walk together. We strolled under the moonlight through the meadow to a small lake and we shared a few moments in silence, allowing our hearts to soak in the moment. He got on one knee and proposed to me moments later. I suspected, but the pure elation that was written across my face told him another story. 

After that we spent every free moment together up until the wedding… 

“You’re all set up now,” she said, breaking me from my daze of thoughts. “Do you want me to leave you alone now?” 

There was a longing in her eyes and I knew that she wanted to stay, but I wanted to be alone while I wrote this.  

When she left, I thought about what to tell her. The possibilities were endless. I chose to start at the beginning. When I began to realize that our stars were not crossed in front of us, but we had to stare into the deep blackness and contemplate the constellations. We had to think pensively about all the possibilities and intricate patterns that they formed. That was how humanity found their way. Most believe there is a big secret to life, but there isn’t. Life is simply about learning as you go and growing from it. That’s where I started. To tell her to slow down and enjoy it. 

My beautiful granddaughter, 

I am overjoyed at the prospect of speaking with you once more. Even though the process is long and arduous for me, I find that it is becoming more enjoyable that it should be. I wish for a more ideal setting, however this old attic will suffice. 

If I close my eyes and think hard enough, we’re sitting together in the corner room. I can see your eyes sparkle with delight. I can hear your laugh. You have no idea how much I love you. I know that because you are reading this I am gone. It is my only and last wish that you read these letters and learn from them so that you do not make the same mistakes as I did. It is my legacy to you. 

I must warn you that the things you may learn in these will surprise you. I have many regrets from my youth that I wish to shield from you. This world is as cold and unforgiving as it is warm and loving. You will learn the secrets of life and how to live a wondrous one. 

My only hope is that you take that away from these. 

- Your Grandmother 

Two hours passed. I started at the pathetically short page that took me so long to convey. Inside, I knew I would never get all of it out at this rate.

I realize that I am blessed to have lived such a long life, but it became brutally unbearable as time went on and I could no longer do the things that made it worth living. Each day was monotonous and enraging. I couldn’t do anything for myself. My poor granddaughter was tasked with being my caretaker, but three days a week she went away to work and live out her own life. 

It pained me to see her losing such precious time, but I selfishly enjoyed all the time we had together and secretly wished for more. Even though I wished to write more, I caught sight of the letter and desire implored me to read on. 

“Then for longer that night. You were so enchanting that all of my worries were beyond when I was with you. Each morning you were the wondrous sky waking me to a new day. The vibrant hues of your happiness drew me in and captivated me. You were unlike any other, and to this very day I curse myself. 

Now when the sun rises, it taunts me with it’s brightness and color. Only thoughts of you dance in my head as it lights the world, jeering at my despair. 

Without you, I am simply a man walking the Earth mindlessly, waiting for life to find me again…”

I put the letter down, unable to continue. My mind swam with thoughts, so I continued to write.

Darling, 

Slow down. There is no need to overthink life. It is precious and fleeting and there are so many wonderful things you will miss out on. You possess so much ambition for your age. There is so much that I wish for you to see and experience, I implore you to take a moment to smell the roses and simply be. Figuratively speaking, “Vienna” will always be there. You know what your safe place will always be home in your heart. 

Just live in the moment. I wish to save you from the fate of constant motion. As a young adult, I became so fixated on my career that I became detached from the things that truly matter: Family and Friends. 

I was so cut off from those I loved that we barely spoke. One day I realized that three years had gone by without speaking to my daughter. 

That is the day I realized that the only thing that mattered in life was my family. I reached out to her and apologized thoroughly for my wrongdoings. She barely forgave me, but was delighted at me timing because she was about to have a child. 

The first time I held you in my arms stopped time. It was like the stars were colliding once more for me to feel enamored with pure love for another. You were the most joyous thing in my life, and I wished to spend every moment teaching you about the world and it’s beauty. 

So through my bad example, I beg you to take things slow and enjoy life. Do not be like me and become so focused on useless things that you forget about the ones who will never leave you. 

“Grandma! It’s eight o’clock. Harry’s here to help bring you down the stairs. I just wanted to let you know,” she called up to me. 

I sighed, knowing that I wouldn’t get to work on more for the day. It was a good start and I was glad that she would finally get to go back to her own life. 

They came up the stairs and carried me onto the bottom floor so that I could get myself into bed. After many hours of practice, I learned how to transfer myself from the wheelchair to my own bed. It was a small victory, but I was proud. At my age, most would be barely able to move their head. 

“Then for longer that night. You were so enchanting that all of my worries were beyond when I was with you…” 

The words I read echoed in my head for the next two months as I continued to write . As months passed, I grew weaker and could not work for very long. The worry that I would not be able to tell her everything became non-existent as I told her more and more. The whole truth of my past was being unraveled to her, and I was teaching her all the lessons I wished to teach. 

I could not bring myself to read the letter until six months later. I had just finished my second to last letter, and saw it sitting on the corner of the desk, begging to be read. I sighed and crept toward it. 

“With the conclusion of this useless confession, I would request that you meet me where we first met on April 29th at 7:00 p.m. so that we may relive our story one last time.” 

I almost stopped breathing when I read the last line. Today was April 29th, ten years later. My granddaughter was kind enough to go to the coffeehouse, but when she returned there was no news from her.

It was in the paper two weeks ago that he passed from a lengthy battle with cancer. Sadness was in my heart, but I did not let myself think because my time was becoming limited and I had work to do.

My progress regressed in the last couple weeks, and I suspected that my time was approaching. Twice I was stuck in the hospital, unable to write for weeks at a time. I grew upset and my granddaughter knew it, but at least it gave her a break from being at my house for so many weeks. 

She became engaged shortly after my last accident. I was pleased that I had the privilege of watching their love grow over the last year. The date was set, and I hoped that I would be there for the wedding.

Our days were spent together, me writing in the living room and her planning things for the wedding, chatting aimlessly about stupid things. 

The wedding grew closer and she was thinking about changing plans and asked me questions that I had no answer to. It was the last day for my letters.

I can no longer wait to tell you this. I do not mean to sound grim or depressing in any manner, but I must face the truth that my time is coming to an end, and I wish to spend it with you.

I deeply hope that what I have said has worn it’s way into your heart and you heed my advice. As you live, the world becomes more vibrant and full of life. This has two sides to it: danger and beauty. You will experience both in your lifetime, and I must tell you that they always will come together. 

The most beautiful things come with great risk in this world. You must know that my greatest risk was loving him. I took a leap of faith and flew with him. We were ineffable. No one in the world could touch us. 

No one has ever known the whole truth of what happened between us, and I always promised to tell you this one day. The night before the wedding, we learned of the cancerous mass in his heart that would ultimately kill him. 

I became distraught when we learned the news and was brought to hopeless tears that there was a possibility of saving him. The doctor told us he still had many years left to live, but he would become very weak towards the end.

When we heard the news, he shied away from me and insisted that I find someone else. I bluntly refused to ever go with another because of the intimate love we shared with one another. So, he left me that night and ran away to his brothers. 

He made me promise that I would tell nobody and promise not to come to him if we still met up once a year. Because I was young and heartbroken, I agreed to the deal and that is what we did for forty years until one-day he stopped showing up. 

I have still continued to go to meet him until ten years ago which is why he sent the letter. There was always a feeling inside of me that he was there, waiting to see for how long I could keep coming. 

My final words to you are this: Do not make the same mistake I did. If you are fortunate to find the brightest light in your life, fight for it no matter what. Remember wholeheartedly that you deserve it and to never take life for granted. It is a gift given to you from God and he has intended you to do great things. 

You must always follow your heart and live your life to the fullest in each moment and remember that Vienna waits for you.

-All my love, 

Grandma