Sapphire Eyes

It’s raining. And yet a thread of golden sunlight wove its way through a crack in the curtains, just enough to gaze gently inside. It burned. But not as much as the effort it would take to get up and do something about it. The blasted thing never stayed closed. At least it was raining inside. 

Raining inside? That couldn’t be right. But my cheeks are wet. They used to be sunkissed, but now the rain is unbearable. And the thunder won’t stop. Can someone please make it stop? 

Only the thunder was now staring me in the face, barking madly. Almost as if it didn’t recognize me anymore. Or maybe I didn’t recognize it? I looked down and barely recognized myself. How long have I been on the floor? And what am I wearing? The clothes aren’t even my own. I shifted my weight off my numb leg and pushed myself up. The thunder was still so loud. 

I made my way clumsily to the kitchen and swayed, but caught myself as I glimpsed a still painting of something so familiar it almost hurt. But as I started moving forward again I was somehow inside the painting. Eggs still in the pan on the stove, a half empty cup of coffee on the counter. And remnants of a second cup spilled somewhere close by. 

One more shaky step and red paint dripped from my foot staining the floor. Or maybe that wasn’t paint. I limped my way to the bathroom and crawled into the bathtub not bothering to take my clothes off as I turned the water on. Blood soaked the drain as I stared endlessly at the wall unaware of who I was or where I was anymore. I was not me anymore. 

And suddenly a weight slammed into my chest as I looked down once more and started clawing at my shirt, trying to rip it off my cold body. It was his shirt that gripped my skin. The closest I would ever be to him again. And yet I couldn’t bear the hollowness I felt as his scent barreled straight into me where the wet fabric was stuck halfway over my tangled hair and head. I wanted to scream. 

Now fully naked, dripping water with each step, I forced myself closer to the mirror, knowing my soul was just as bare as my shaking body. When I finally stole a glimpse of myself I nearly lost my balance again because staring back at me, was not the woman I knew. This new creature had bright blue eyes- an ocean deep and wild enough to drown in. And drown I did. 

Nine days later and this stranger still stared back at me every time I saw her reflection. Who was she and why wouldn’t she leave me to grieve in peace? Even though I had none. I no longer recognized the broken pieces of my old life, yet had no intention of salvaging the rough edges to make something new. Time stood still, and everything was tinged in this new icy hue. 

Sunlight. I think I need sunlight. How can something so simple feel so unattainable? I was not ready to let the light into the house yet, but maybe I could meet it where it was. A short walk. Then back to the safety of pulled curtains and thick blankets. Only, as I stepped outside, it was not a golden thread reaching down from the heavens to greet me, but rather a green glow. How odd. 

In the distance, shapes started taking form on the sidewalk. Maybe this was a mistake. I wasn’t ready to see anyone. Or rather, I wasn’t ready to be perceived. I slipped my sunglasses on and pulled my hat a bit further down my forehead as if that would shield me from unwanted looks. 

This was definitely a mistake. I nearly tripped over my own feet as I veered left down a side street to avoid interaction. But not before I caught a glimpse of a pair of shining blue eyes staring back at me. My heart began to race. Mrs. Wilson did not have piercing blue eyes. She had warm brown eyes, a bit darker than my own. Or at least the ones I used to have.

Something wasn’t right. I hurried down the street, now anxious to pass by someone new. And thank God, that was Thomas at the corner walking his dog. I nodded in quick acknowledgment as I passed by, heart rate slowing as I peered into his familiar green eyes, unchanged by whatever madness was loose in town. 

But I remained marked, trapped and alone in this body that no longer felt like mine, with eyes as foreign and distant as my heart, long ripped from my body and soul. 

It seems that work could not be delayed any longer. Long gone were my precious sick days, eaten up by the lost hours spent staring at the wall. But what will people say about my new lifeless blue eyes gazing back at them? I shuddered at the thought, with no good answer rising to the surface of these murky waters. 

But no one said a thing. No one even noticed the slight tremor in my voice I had to cough away at any conversation that led me down a familiar path of distant memories. I thought I would be relieved, but what I found instead rising to the surface was a pulsing anger. 

I slipped away to the bathroom and stared into my own blue eyes and watched it start to rain once more. I nearly jumped as a toilet flushed and the door swung open revealing a set of striking blue eyes looking straight back at me. Not at me really, but into me. Into my soul that I thought was no longer there, but was now found to be stuck at the bottom of the tempest within me. 

She stepped forward toward the sink to wash her hands, but our souls were not done speaking. How had I not seen her pain before? How had I never seen? She bore the mark of deepest pain, permanently altering her vision. But she did not radiate the storm that clouded mine. 

Hers was a stream. A bubbling brook. A river of peace, and maybe even hope. She bore the mark of deepest sadness, but it was born from a life full of profound love. The type of love that not everyone gets to greet. But the type that makes losing it all the worse. 

Two sides of the same coin. Love and loss. My jaw started to unclench and my shoulders dropped for the first time in weeks, because I no longer stared at a stranger in the mirror. 

Now I see blue eyes almost everywhere I go. On the subway, in the grocery store. And somehow, I feel less alone each time I see a pair of sapphire eyes flash to meet mine.