"Human" Resources

“I realized a long time ago that I could do the bare minimum at my job and nobody would notice. I'm passionate about torturing souls, believe me, it's just that I feel uninspired. You can only do the same thing over and over again before it just gets old, you know?! I guess I'm just feeling a little burned out is all.” Asmodeus sat reclined, pouring his demonic soul out. He had been coming to these sessions for centuries, and he felt like he was on the edge of a real breakthrough.

Lilith, his appointed therapist, sat with a ghostbound book in hand, her blood-tipped quill hovering over the page. “Asmodeus, can I be honest with you?”

Asmodeus sat up. “Please!” This was it – the breakthrough he had been waiting for, so close that his snake tongue could taste it.

Lilith folded her glasses. “You’ve always been overzealous.”

Asmodeus deflated. “Excuse me?”

“Upper management is never gonna notice you, and it's not like there's anywhere else to go. Maybe your problem isn't that you're uninspired – maybe you're too passionate. Have you ever considered that? That you're in a dead-end career and it doesn't matter how hard you work.” The words dripped from Lilith's mouth like venom. Working in HR meant that it was her job to suck the life out of everything. She was very good at her job. Lesser demons like Asmodeus were expendable; Lilith however, was middle management – clearly she possessed real potential.

Lilith had secretly been recruited by Heaven eons ago. Gabriel told her that if she served her full sentence, she could retire and Heaven's gates would be opened to her indefinitely.

Back then, Lilith's claws had only just come in, and her horns weren't yet showing. “Sounds pointlessly elaborate.”

Gabriel chuckled. “Of course it's elaborate – it has to be. If the lesser demons ever found out, then we'd have to close Heaven's gates for good.”

“What do you mean?” asked Lilith.

Gabriel leaned in and whispered, “I could get in a lot of trouble for telling you this, but it takes a lot of Soular energy to run Heaven. Infinitely more now that the Boss’s Son started running things, Hell hasn’t got enough souls. We've had to start tapping into ‘other sources.’”

Lilith’s serpentine eyes widened. “Why are you telling me this?”

Gabriel gave her a charming smile. “Because you're one of us now! You work for Heaven.”

It took an entire century for Lilith to believe him. But when her first paystub came, her eyes lit up. A sizable chunk of her earnings had been withheld for her very own HAA (Heavenly Abstinence Account). She was dumbfounded — well, I'll be damned! This was it. Her ticket out of this Hell hole.

Asmodeus was still crying. Had lesser demons always been this emotional? Suddenly, Lilith's doors burst open. “WHERE IS SHE?” a demon roared.

Lilith stood, “Nefarious! This is a private session!”

“HOW LONG?” Nefarious growled.

“How long, what?”

“HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING HEAVEN ALL OF OUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS?” Nefarious threw a newspaper onto the table – this week's issue of The End Times. She didn't have to look at the headline to know what it said.

She tried reassuring him, “I've never once shared information about any of my clients!” but he didn't believe her. None of them had. She had been let go – fired. She might never find out who leaked the infernal memo, but she had to live with the eternal consequences – company policy, after all . Maybe now she could finally retire.

Lilith had been harassed outside her apartment for an eternity; Denise, a middle-aged mother of three, had been possessed by Lilith since she got married to that lazy slob of a husband. Passive-aggressive hosts like Denise were hard to come by, but it was time for Lilith to move on. Lilith's clients had made Denise's life a living hell. Being haunted by a legion of demons would do that to you. Denise had already asked for prayer, and her priest promised to send an exorcist on Friday, which meant that Lilith had until then to be all moved out. Hopefully, she could still get her deposit back.

Lilith didn't even have any good dirt on her clients, so blackmail was out of the question. The only thing she had jotted down was fetishes – that's mostly what demons talked about in therapy. But not even demonic fetishes were going to help her now. She didn't see a way out.

Lilith's apartment, Denise, sat alone at the bar, drinking to soothe her newfound trauma. Lilith appreciated the change in scenery, but even piss-stained booths couldn’t lift her spirits. It won't be long now; I'll be homeless soon enough.

The bar’s music was obnoxiously loud for Denise – just how Lilith liked it. A drunk man in his forties approached a jukebox, and changed the song. The tune sounded familiar to Lilith, and then she heard the lyrics. They gave her an idea.

Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven's gates – doors, was the understatement of the century. The gates towered over her, humiliating in their grandeur, but she waited anyway. Is this what her eternity had come to, begging at Heaven's gates?

It felt like a millennium had passed before someone finally answered. Lilith could hear footsteps approach the towering gates. A tiny door squeaked open, and Gabriel popped his head out. “Lilith! It's great to see you! How are you?” That last sentence dripped with pity.

“Open the door!” Lilith shouted. “I won't ask again!”

Gabriel looked at her again with pity. “I'm sorry, Lilith, but I can't do that.”

“Gabriel, you promised that Heaven’s gates would be opened to me indefinitely. You're an angel – if you don't keep your word you'll fall from paradise like me!” she seethed. Lilith felt dirty for begging like that. She hoped her desperation wasn't obvious to Gabriel.

“I said you had to serve your full sentence,” Gabriel corrected.

Lilith's demonic soul sank. “What about my withholdings?”

Gabriel solemnly shook his head. “I'm sorry, there was nothing I could do.” Gabriel slowly closed the door, leaving Lilith alone and forgotten.

Gabriel turned and looked directly at the hidden camera crew – a devilish smile morphing across his face.