05_Someone like You, Someone like Me

My demon has refused to let go of the conversation we first had with Kevin.

It had been a week since he’d joined the office and my little demon kept picking on him, and everything he did. I tried repeatedly to ignore my demon’s voice; telling it that if it wasn’t going to be nice, I wasn’t going to listen to a single word it had to say. It whinged and whined at the most inconvenient times, mostly when I was interacting with Kevin.

But he’s so STRANGE. Like, what is he even DOING?!

I could feel my eyes narrow as I watched Kevin struggle with the office printer from a distance, opening every paper tray in succession.

He’s doing his best. Stop being horrible.

If that’s what his best looks like–

Stop it.

I shut my little demon deep inside, so deep that its complaints couldn’t reach me. It became our normal routine; whenever it was unkind, I would lock it up somewhere hidden. I didn’t need its comments, didn’t need its negativity. I didn’t want to be someone judgemental or punishing; Kevin was just trying to be himself, just like I was. Who was I to hate him for it?

But as the days went by, I kept finding myself increasingly confused by Kevin and his actions. Whenever I found myself befuddled and scowling, I would quickly correct my face to a smile and remind myself; who was I to judge? Why was I such a terrible person? What right did I have to think any of this?

None. I have none. Kevin is just trying like the rest of us. Stop being horrible.

So I tried– dismissing behaviour that I would normally deem questionable: like how he would check himself out during Teams calls instead of focusing on the meeting. I know I wasn’t any better, but I couldn’t look away. Every call we joined together, I would watch him subtly flex and give his preview a smug smile. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Maybe a little bit of both? I wouldn’t know how to tell anyone without confessing that I was watching Kevin the whole meeting. Whenever I thought about it, I would be horrified and embarrassed. My demon, however, had other thoughts.

Are you really going to dash a man for his confidence? What sort of person are you? You wish you could do the same. Let the man enjoy his own reflection.

Any conversation Kevin started was deeply uncomfortable; like the time he asked Zac if it was acceptable to wear T-shirts and jeans to the office after looking up-and-down at me. His tone was smug, as if to highlight his own commitment to always coming to work in buttoned shirts and suit trousers. My eyebrow raised though when I noticed a huge black ink stain at his side, his judgement was bleeding to the surface.

How are you talking when you are covered in ink like a toddler?

Zac looked perplexed by the question and my face burned with embarrassment over my wardrobe choices. Was what I was wearing acceptable? Maybe I should be trying a bit harder. I was so busy wallowing in my self-loathing that I hadn’t realised that Zac was also, wearing a T-shirt and jeans that day and, maybe feeling slightly judged.

“People can wear whatever the hell they want as long as they get their work done.” scoffed Zac. Kevin scarpered after this comment, his smile disappearing as quickly as he did. Zac and I exchanged bewildered looks. Did he really just say that?

Other examples of this included: him asking Zac how many candidates also interviewed for his position and which part of his portfolio made the office want to hire him. Every question was met with growing confusion and a hint of disdain.

But his worst offence was his persistent refusal to follow my advice or instructions. One gloomy morning, he messaged me, asking for help with the program. When I knelt next to his workstation, I realised that he’d spent the last 45 minutes not doing what he had been asked to do. Instead, he had somehow managed to create a whole new dimension in the project file. I grumbled a little bit while I clicked around; how does one even fail at following instructions so badly? Did I not demonstrate this at least four times in front of him already? What is going on?

“You’re… good at this,” Kevin said as he watched me click away his problems. If only everything was so easy. “You’re… pretty good at this software thing.”

“I’m good at following instructions.” I flinched a little from my sharpness, wondering if Kevin noticed. Shit. I need to be nicer. “I…” I clicked around furiously, why didn’t he just undo everything? “Also play a lot of video games in my spare time.” It was a mindless comment as I cleared another layer, how can someone… mess up so bad?

That caught Kevin’s attention, “Oh, you play video games? What do you play?”

I paused. Why did I say that? I typically never divulge that I played anything; the last time I did, I was ridiculed endlessly. Why can I never keep my mouth shut? I hated myself a little but then thought, since we’re here, and you’re asking, why not indulge a little.

“Mmm… I play a lot of single player games now but I used to play League? Still do occasionally?” I was referring to League of Legends, the competitive multiplayer team-based game that’d made me lose a little faith in humanity on occasion. I hadn’t played in a while but my thoughts travelled back to all the friends I’d met along the way as well as those I’d lost. Some things really do bring out the best and the worst in people.

“Oh! You play League–”

I winced slightly, at the memories and my own admission; why was I telling him? Admitting to playing League was like hanging a sign around your neck that said: I do not value my time, my friendships nor my sanity.

I continued clicking, “Oh, do you play too?”

He nodded.

Oh look, someone else who is also demented and enjoys throwing their time away.

“Not anymore though, I stopped a few years ago.” He paused. “I was in Gold I think, and I played…”

Kevin went into a spiel about his gaming career, oblivious to how I was not listening to him at all and only giving meaningless responses. Oh. Wow. Cool. Ooh. His ranking, the roles and characters he played, other games he played–nothing he said was of interest to me. How is your rank or interest in video games going to help locate the walls you’ve modelled in liminal space?

“We should play at some point.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I said flatly.

I could not be bothered to muster up a more interesting response. I dragged the last of the flying components into their correct locations and turned to Kevin, constantly trying to hide my contempt by smiling.

“How come you didn’t do what I showed you?” I asked through gritted teeth.

Smile. Remember to smile.

“Hmmm? Oh…” He pondered for a moment while I searched his face for guilt, for embarrassment. If it were me– I would’ve buried myself in a hole forever already. Come on, tell me something tangible I can believe so that we can both move on. Lie, if you have to.

“I… forgot what you showed me.” I inhaled sharply when I heard his words, “And wanted to see if there were other ways to do it.”

My whole face puckered like he had fed me a whole lemon.

“So… you forgot everything I showed you and wanted to learn… on your own…?”

“Yes.”

Not a single moment’s hesitation. I sat there, stunned. My ankles and knees ached from kneeling for so long, but I couldn’t move. I just sat there, with a bewildered expression on my face, hoping that the longer I looked at him, I would arrive at some sort of clarity.

He doesn’t want to listen to you.

“What about all the notes you took? You couldn’t just… follow that?” I asked, slowly. I understood the urge to learn, to explore, to click around until you find your own ways of doing things. I am all for self learning and improvement, but this? This was so unhelpful with the given timeframes. These drawings needed to be issued today and something that typically takes minutes was taking him days. I did not have the time to wait for someone to learn the program instead of doing what they’re told.

“Yeah, but–” My eyes narrowed again as he said ‘but’ and paused. As Jon Snow from Game of Thrones once said, ‘everything before the word “but” is bullshit’. “I wanted to do things my way.”

“His” way? What the fuck is “his” way?

I straighten up, standing above Kevin. I’d just about had it.

“I appreciate your curiosity and ambition Kevin, but–” I couldn’t contain my distaste any longer. “We are on a tight deadline, so I would really appreciate it if you could just follow my instructions from earlier, please?” I’d tried to keep my tone as neutral as possible, trying to not let my frustration show too much. “Let’s have another catch up after lunch? See how you get on? Would that be okay?”

I glanced down at his notebook, still covered in nonsensical and illiterate scrawls; no wonder he couldn’t follow any of the steps.

“Yeah, okay– I’ll try to do the steps you showed me earlier.”

I felt a little guilty after my outburst and I wondered if I should’ve sat down with him to go through the steps again. But when I saw the time, it was already 11:45am and I’d spent far too long not doing my own work.

“Thank you.”

As I turned to leave, Kevin spoke up again. I groaned under my breath; you really want me to explain everything to you again, don’t you? Please, I have so much work to do. Please don’t ask me anything difficult.

“Hey Miyu,”

My face had that involuntary smile that never quite reached my eyes when I turned back to face him. I needed to bite hard on my lip to stop myself saying anything stupid. What do you want?

“Hmm?”

“What are you doing for lunch today?”

Kevin looked so sincere and unperturbed that my cheeks flushed a little. How was he so unaffected by what just happened? All of a sudden, I was terribly ashamed of my thoughts; this man, after my tantrum, is… about to ask me out for lunch?

“Uh… Nothing, I… usually just go for a walk at lunch. Y’know, to get my steps in?”

Why did I sound so unsure, like I didn’t know my own routine? Lunch was typically spent with Olivia or Bengi but today, Bengi was on site and Olivia was out of office so actually, I was alone today.

“May I join you?” Kevin asked with a smile, “There are some questions I would like to ask you.”

My heart lurched a little. Kevin wanted to join me for lunch, even though I’ve been horrible? I am a creature. A Beast. The worst kind of person. Look at me with my terrible thoughts and he still wants to join me for lunch. God, I should be nicer.

Say no.

“Yeah sure, I just… walk around the block anyways. We can go to Tesco if you need to buy lunch still?”

But why though?

He grinned stupidly “Yes. I still need to buy lunch so…” and I joined in on grinning stupidly. I wondered if he was also questioning his life choices. “Tesco’s good. See you at lunch.”

I shuddered violently when I walked away. Maybe I read him all wrong. Maybe Kevin is really nice. Maybe I am the cruel one here. Look at him, still inviting me out for lunch despite how I treated him and what I said. I really should learn to be nicer.

No. Seriously. What the fuck.

Shut up.

When the clock struck 1:00pm, Kevin was already by my desk, a puppy, ready for our walk. If he’d had a tail, it would’ve looked like a windscreen wiper during a storm. It’s just lunch and a walk, what was he so excited about?

Tell him you are busy and that you broke your leg and have diarrhea all at the same time.

“Thank you for waiting,” I grabbed my coat and keys and turned to leave with him, “Let’s go.”

We walked to get his lunch and then around the local area aimlessly. When it suddenly showered, we ran for cover by the basin. He’d already started eating his Meal Deal during our walk but despite his best efforts to eat and shield his lunch from the rain, a very floppy prawn mayo sandwich ended up on the floor. I laughed maybe far too loudly and had to apologise. He looked appalled by my reaction.

It was most unfortunate.

We sat down and he ate his remaining soggy sandwich while I looked out onto the canal with my bottle of peach iced tea. The rain provided a soft backdrop and all my earlier tensions seemed to have washed away with the rain and been taken away by the canal.

“So… Miyu?”

“Hmm?”

“How long have you been working here?” He spoke with his mouth full, a gummy mess of bread and prawn mush. Lovely.

“Mmmm… About a year and a bit?”

“You’re entrusted with a lot of responsibility though, aren’t you?”

I took a swig from my bottle. I didn’t particularly enjoy discussing work, much less my responsibilities. I could never differentiate the line between explaining and gloating so I never went there. Plus, there wasn’t much to talk about; anyone can do what I do.

“I guess so.”

“You’re not even an Architect but you’re already running projects! As an Assistant! We’re at the same level but you are already managing a team! How long did it take for you to get your own projects? Who did you have to talk to? What did you have to say to get this?”

“Huh?”

I was caught off-guard by his questions; it was always like this when Kevin and I spoke, somehow his compliments felt backhanded.

I tried to recall what happened when I first joined the office. “I didn’t really have to talk to anyone, or do anything. Around… 3 months in Carl, our Director, came up to me one day and said he had a project for me and…” I’d peeled a large piece of skin off my thumb… I’ll feel that one later. “The rest is history!”

He was listening intently, his eyes fixed on me with an intensity that I’d not seen when we were working. I wished he’d listened this hard when I was briefing him.

“But I don’t lead lead,” I continued, “Carl is there to support me a lot… it’s not just me on the project.”

But he wasn't listening, and was already counting down how long it had been since he started, “3 months… I’ve been here a week,” his eyes are shining with ambition. “Maybe I can get there even quicker.”

He’s trying to compete with you.

I brushed that thought away, competing with me? I was no competition for anyone. I just wanted to be good and maybe this is a pivotal point for Kevin to be better. Maybe he just needed some encouraging words and a good teacher. He could be unstoppable if I was better.

“Yeah– Carl’s very supportive and willing to give people opportunities. Just prove that you are willing to learn, and competent and I’m sure he will be more than willing to give you a chance.” I smiled fondly, thinking about Carl. “He believed in me so I’m sure, he will for you too.”

Kevin was nodding like a dashboard bobblehead, listening to me as if it was Gospel.

“Yes yes– I’ll definitely speak to him about… more opportunities.”

If he thinks he can do better than you, he’s delusional.

Shut up.

I glanced nervously at my phone for the time, 1:50pm. I began standing up, posturing that we should be leaving.

“Mmm… Yeah, speak to him when you get a chance. Would be good.”

It had stopped raining when we made our way back to the office. I was feeling refreshed from being outside and positive that Kevin was excited to take on more responsibility. I dreamt about shorter briefing sessions, and not needing to pick up after him. I was still drifting quietly with my thoughts when we approached the entrance of the office.

“Miyu.”

“Yes, Kevin?”

“I’d been meaning to ask actually,” Kevin was smirking and I recognised his expression instantly; it was the Teams call face– the ‘oh yeah, I am hot shit’ face.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

Excuse me?!

“Uh…”

“Hmmm… I’m going to guess– no?”

What?!

“Uh…” I was now flustered and lost for words. “Why… would you think I don’t?”

“Oh– I just didn’t think someone like you would have a boyfriend.” He sounded so casual when he said that.

If Kevin had any special abilities in this world, it would be the power to consistently render me speechless.

Someone like you.

I gave Kevin a grimaced smile before unlocking the door back to the office.

“I see– thank you Kevin for your insight.”

“So, Miyu—”

But I had already walked back in, leaving him standing at the entrance.

Someone like you.

As I walked back to my seat, I started to wonder: what does it mean to be someone like me?