Yesterday

Yesterday 1092 Words

She had to let him go. Her baby was safe. It was just a new chapter.

Cara sat on the edge of Erik’s bed, surrounded by the evidence of a life that had shifted. There were empty laundry baskets scattered around his room. The only thing left on his desk was a picture of him and his Grandfather. Some of the wire hangers were still looped up over the clothes rack from when Erik had pulled the garments down to pack. The shelves with his football, lacrosse trophies, and Star Wars Lego sets remained. Why couldn’t she stop crying?

She knew this was a normal progression of life, and she was so proud of him. She had raised him for this moment. It was time for him to become his own person. But her head and her heart were in two entirely different places.  

Steven seemed to be able to keep his head about him yesterday. He spent the afternoon carrying boxes to the car, and repeatedly checked the tire pressure in each tire, not once but 3 times each. He also made a special trip to Dick’s Sporting Goods to make sure Erik had enough low cut ankle socks.  

Cara resented him for being so calm. How could he just let their son walk out the door? She was pretty sure she’d be dealing with his emotional crisis whenever it hit. Deep down she knew that Steven’s behavior was on par for not wanting Erik to leave either - he was just showing it differently. It still bothered her though.  

She straightened the hangers in the closet. The pencil marks on the door frame whispered to her. There he was at four and six. He had really had a growth spurt between nine and ten. The last mark was from just a few months ago, when he graduated high school. There wouldn't be another mark.

Tears welled up in her eyes again and she sobbed into her lap. Her chest felt tight and tensed up with her cry. She had to distract herself. She traced the marks on the door frame with her fingertip, and walked out of his room. 

Cara remembered the first time she held him on her chest. Her and Steven had been so worried. The doctors had to use forceps to help with the delivery. When they heard him cry, they cried. But he was so small. She’d been afraid of him at first. Somehow when her mom instinct kicked in she knew exactly what to do for him. She had been doing that for eighteen years.  

What would he do without her? What would she do without him? Soon, he would have a whole new life; a new place to live, a roommate, professors, friends she had never met. And she suspected that someday, there would be someone else even more important than Cara. Maybe they would get married and have children.  

Cara thought her heart was going to fall out of her chest. Could she be a grandmother who was just allowed to visit instead of the mother who was always welcome and needed? She hated how much that scared her.

Sounds were coming from the hallway. Steven was opening and closing drawers aggressively.  

“I can’t find it!” Steven remarked.

“Find what?” Cara said. 

“Nothing…Anything!!!” yelled Steven as he let his back sink down the wall to the floor.   

Cara stood frozen for a moment Then she lowered herself beside him. Neither of them spoke. Steven covered his face with both hands. His shoulders shook with emotion. 

“What’s wrong with me?” he said through his hands. 

Cara put both her arms around him.

“I kept thinking about all the things we had to get done. The boxes. The car. The tires. His stupid socks.” He smiled briefly. “I thought if I kept doing things, I wouldn't have to think about it.”

Cara rested her head against his shoulder.

“I know.”

Steven dropped his hands and looked at her. His eyes were red.

“He's really gone.”

Tears rolled down Cara’s face as she nodded.

“But he's not gone, gone” she said, “He's just…not here.”

Steven looked toward Erik's open bedroom door.

“I don't know how to be his dad from here.”

Cara squeezed his hand.

“He’s still our son and we’re still mom and dad no matter where he is. That doesn’t change.” 

They sat there together on the hallway floor, surrounded by eighteen years of memories. Cara no longer felt like she was grieving alone.

That night, both Cara and Steven tried to fall asleep like normal, but neither could. Cara reached for Steven’s hand under the blankets. They held onto each other and stared at the ceiling.  

About a half hour later, Cara heard her phone ring. She had left it downstairs. Both of them sat up, got out of bed and Cara sprinted for the stairs. By the time she got to the phone it had stopped ringing.  

It was just a telemarketing call. They both had so much nervous energy they could barely stand it.  

Steven had an idea. “Want to see if Erik wants to play Fortnight?” 

“I don’t know how to play Fortnight, do you??” Cara asked, confused.  

“I mean, I dabble in it,” Steven laughed.  

Then Cara’s phone rang. Again.  

The screen glowed in the darkness.

It was Erik.

Cara answered so quickly she nearly dropped the phone.

“Hi, honey bun.”

There was a pause.

“Hey, Mom.”

His voice sounded a little different. Not older, exactly. Just farther away.

“How are you?” she asked.

“I'm okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” he paused.  

“I just wanted to call.”

Cara looked at Steven. He was already crying.

“I wanted to tell you guys how much I loved you.”

Cara's chest tightened.

“What?”

“I love you.”

She closed her eyes.

“We love you too, honey.”

“I miss you.” Erik said.  

And suddenly, he didn’t seem so far away.

After they hung up, Cara laid back down and put her face against her pillow. The ache was still there. It would be for a while. But beneath that ache was something else. She pictured the pencil marks on the door frame. She had spent eighteen years measuring how much he had grown. 

Maybe now she had to learn how to measure how much more growing he had to do. Inches couldn't measure personal growth..

Cara gave her husbands hand a reassuring squeeze. They certainly couldn’t get yesterday back. But from here on out, they had many tomorrow’s to look forward to.