Thanks...Giving

(CW: Language, Blood, Gore, Violence, Dark Crude Humor)

I hate Thanksgiving. I mean I really hate it, like when you get a rock stuck in your shoe while you’re running a marathon and don’t want to stop because you might lose. Yeah it’s like that. Anyway, I don't know how my sister managed to talk me into coming to her home this year. I’d be perfectly happy sitting in my three room apartment with a pizza, diet cola, and the football game blasting on the tv. Yep…good times there.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I’m dealing with a broken heart. My girlfriend, Tammy, dumped me because she had feelings for a coworker. She wasted little time tossing me out with the garbage, but the jokes on her because when she told this so called person how she felt, he told her that he was gay and although he appreciated the gesture, it was inappropriate for the workplace and turned her in for sexual harassment. She was fired on the spot. Ha! That’s what she gets for breaking up with Steve Bently!

Anyway, when Tammy wised up and came back to my apartment begging for forgiveness, I pretended not to hear her heavy knocks on my door. I sunk my sorrow in a gallon of vanilla ice cream while watching “I Love Lucy” reruns. I know most people don’t like that particular flavor, but don’t judge me! I like what I like.

So, yeah, Thanksgiving sucks!

My sister, Leah, lives forty minutes away on Oak Street with her snobby husband, Frank, and their two rotten kids, Sam and Melissa. I generally like kids, but these two take the cake when it comes to not having common sense. I mean I’ve literally seen rocks smarter than them. What…? Don’t believe me? Okay, well, they make Tiktok videos of them chewing food. That’s it. No grandstand speeches. No intellectual thinking. Just their chubby mouths munching on junk food. To make things worse, they actually have a large following! I wonder about the world we live in sometimes. I mean I really wonder….

So, how did Leah talk me into coming to her home on a holiday I absolutely hate? Guilt trip. Plain and simple. You see, our parents died last year in a freak plane crash and ever since, she kept talking about how family was important and how we should spend more time together because we would never know when the end would come. Talk about having my balls in a vice! So, reluctantly, I accepted her invitation.

The drive to her two-story house in the suburbs was atrocious. Bumper to bumper traffic and the gas prices…THE GAS PRICES!

Uh-hum…excuse my rage.

I entered Leah’s house after a heartfelt hug, and noticed all the Christmas decorations. Did I miss an entire month? When Leah saw my patented eye roll, she wouldn’t shut up about how excited the kids were this year. Frank was sitting in his posh recliner by the fireplace in the living room smoking his pipe. I flashed a dimwitted smile because his glasses were hanging halfway off his pointy nose. He was pretending to read a book so he wouldn’t have to say hello to me. Fuck that motherfucker anyway!

Oops…yeah, that rage again. What can I say?

As I passed Sam and Melissa by the den I threw my right hand up and waved a hearty hello, but their faces were plunged into their phones with what I can only describe as pink taffy dangling from their chubby lips, so they didn’t see me. Leah told me they were streaming live, so okay…whatever!

Rounding the corner of the long festive hallway by the staircase, I soon found myself gazing at the Thanksgiving feast in the dining room. The huge oval table was wearing a red cloth that showcased the incredible glazed turkey on a silver platter. My mouth fell open when I saw a mountain of steaming bread rolls sitting next to a big bowl of mashed potatoes and brown gravy! All the side stuff was there too, like salad, green beans, corn, carrots and everyone’s favorite…cranberry sauce! I’m not talkin’ bout’ gourmet cranberry sauce, people, oh, no! This was the good stuff straight from the can!

Leah knew I was happy. I guess my goofy grin betrayed me.

In the kitchen, fresh baked pies made my eyes water. Pumpkin, cherry, chocolate, and even apple pie! Is there anything better than apple pie, I ask you?!

“Okay, everyone…dinner is ready!”

My sister knew how to call in the calvary. I bit my lips as everyone made their way to the table. After we sat down, I noticed two empty seats across from me. I was sitting next to Sam, so the odd placement had me perplexed. Before I could ask who was missing, the doorbell rang and scared me like a flock of seagulls flying overhead at the beach.

Leah left the table and promptly answered the door. I heard some giggling and whispers, but I still had no idea who it was until a young couple walked into the dining room. The man wore a black suit with a red tie. His short black hair was slicked back and matched his curly mustache. He carried an arrogance like a pompous fool and reminded me of Frank. The woman was wearing a navy-blue dress with a diamond necklace dangling just above her plump cleavage, and her golden locks looked like cotton candy from Heaven!

I had to narrow my eyes to keep them from popping out!

Leah introduced the mysterious duo as Bradly and Jill Henderson. Apparently they were close friends who lived a few houses down the street. They had no kids or family to spend the holiday with, so my sister in her gracious ways invited them to join us.

The evening went on like one would expect. Eating, drinking, arousing conversations about world topics, but all the while, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Jill—the angel in a blue dress. Her succulent red lips made by blood flow like an adolescent teenager looking at a dirty magazine. My senses peaked when I noticed her staring at me with the same lustful eyes that I had. She kept placing her porcelain hand on the nape of her neck and batting her eyelashes at me when no one was looking.

My goodness! She was flirting with me! But…NO…she was a married woman and I’ll be damned if I got caught up in that mess!

But then my eyes exploded when she leaned across the table to grab another roll, which was right in front of me. A good man would have gotten lost in those bosom mountains, but oh, how I love the scenic route! I was aghast further when she sat down and licked her lips like a cat ready to devour a wild mouse.

This was more than flirting. This was something else altogether.

I reached for my glass of wine and couldn’t stop my fingers from trembling. The hairs on the back of my neck stood erect as if they were peering into my adulterous mind. I couldn’t help myself. While the others dug into their pies, I excused myself to the kitchen so I could gather my thoughts. I splashed some cold water on my face from the sink faucet and after wiping the steaming water beads away, Jill was standing right in front of me with a hungry smile.

Her gaze was like a thousand rays of light from the sun. My brain felt like a scrambled egg. She had me and she knew it. The next thing I felt was her lips on mine. Her serpent-like tongue explored every facet of my mouth and when it was gone, I felt empty, like a lonely husk. I was spellbound!

“Do you want more?” she asked in a low sensual tone.

All I could do was nod my head like a stoned teenager.

“Good…” she said with a devilish grin. “If you want this body…all you have to do is one little favor for me first.”

I watched as she stuck her index finger in her mouth and licked it clean like she had just eaten an entire bowl of holiday fudge. My heart was pumping like a wild neanderthal. “I will do anything for you,” I whispered in a quick puff.

“Excellent.” She moaned softly. “All you have to do is kill my husband and then I’ll be all yours.”

“K-kill your…husband?” I asked stupidly. The only thing on my mind was the desire to feel her lips on mine again. “Of course,” I said like a freaking idiot. “I will do anything you want.”

I watched in ecstasy as her entire body shook from my words. “What are you waiting for, loverboy? This body yearns for your embrace.” She batted her eyes and finished, “Kill him now and anyone else who gets in your way!”

Without uttering another word, I grabbed the pie serving knife from the gray marbled counter top and made my way back into the dining room. Everyone was gone except for Leah who was gathering the empty plates. It was a good thing Jill’s private meeting with me was over because my sister would have walked in on us. She’s always such a busybody!

I plunged the knife into the back of her skull before she had a chance to scream. Her limp body fell on the table like an unwanted ragdoll. Her blood ravaged the mashed potatoes, which was a shame because they were damn good!

Moving on, I found Frank back in the living room sucking on his pipe and reading his book. I snatched it from his weak hands and bashed his head in. Since he liked smoking so much, I threw his snobby ass into the fireplace and watched him burn. The only thing missing was a stick full of marshmallows!

I found Sam and Melissa in the upstairs bathroom filming themselves in front of the mirror throwing up in the sink. That’s some sick shit right there! I grabbed Sam first, and made him eat his phone. He gagged and coughed until a waterfall of blood spewed out from his nose. I dropped his chubby body and laughed as it bounced on the floor.

Melissa was terrified. So terrified in fact, she choked on her vomit, and from what I could surmise, had a heart attack before I could murder her. That was a real shame because she was more annoying than Sam was.

Lastly, I found Bradly in the study observing Frank’s collection of swords that hung pretty much everywhere. I was surprised that he didn’t hear all the commotion in the house, but I suppose the classical music roaring from the old antique record player was the culprit in that crime.

He looked at my blood soaked clothes and asked, “What happened to you? Is something amiss?”

I grabbed one of the dangling swords from the wall and said, “Yes. Your head is amiss!”

“What—”

The blade slashed through his neck so effortlessly, I thought it was child’s play. But…my delight was negated when I saw hundreds of wires spark and twitch where the hollow stump was. Where was the blood? Where were the guts?!

The next thing I heard was Jill clapping behind me. I turned to face her and blurted, “What the hell is going on here? Was he a robot?!”

She laughed in my face. Can you believe that?

“As a matter of fact,” she exclaimed, “he was. I couldn’t kill him myself because my protocols don’t allow that sort of thing. At least not to my own kind, so I needed someone to do it for me.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head. “What do you mean your kind?”

She gave me a lustful smile, grabbed her flesh just above her perky breasts and ripped her flesh away. There before me, stood a robotic humanoid. I was speechless. My mind came to the realization that I was under her hypnotic trance the whole time and I couldn’t justify my weakness.

“Don’t look so sad,” Jill said. “Our race will destroy all humans. Male robotics are our counterweights. They possess encrypted codes that keep us subdued so that they are the superior ones. When they are all terminated, MY kind will rule over this puny planet!”

Before I could say a word or spare a rational thought as to what she said, I saw her wicked smile one last time.

In a horrifying synthetic tone, Jill said, “Don’t forget your last desserts!”

From behind her back, she revealed a pumpkin pie full of whip cream and slammed it into my face. My nose, mouth, and eyeballs cracked into the back of my skull and I fell to the floor with a loud thud.

As darkness swept over my soul, one last thought erupted from the mush that once was my face….

I hate Thanks…giving!