The Heart Always Knows

My best friend Lorelei and I are both writers, for me lifestyle features for a city magazine, for her freelance stories for many outlets. We always have so much to tell each other, but for this get-together at Katie’s Corner Pub I have something entirely different to tell her.

“Well I got some news today, actually in the form of an invitation,” I say as we slide into our usual booth. “My little friend Tanya back home in California has gotten married. And here I am already married and divorced.

It was just a small ceremony at the courthouse so they’re going to have a combination belated reception and New Year’s Eve party, and it’s going to be potluck. She tucked in a note saying they are on a careful budget but she’s a grown woman and not having her dad do anything but let them use the house for the party.”

“Do you think you’ll go? Would it be awkward?”

“That is a very good question. In fact two very good questions. I really would like to be there for her. Even though I’m just a few years older, back then she kind of looked upon me as the mother she didn’t have. And of course we’ve stayed in touch since then.”

“And that awkward part Maris?”

“Hmmmm. Yeah. Well, of course thanks to Tanya I know that Bradley is divorced now too. She said her brother thought about moving out of town afterward but didn’t really want to leave the family business, you know, their bakery. Tanya works there too. Anyway the decision to stay became easier when his ex left instead.”

“What do you think it’d be like to see him again?”

I was serendipitously given time to think about that with the arrival of our favorite waitress Maxine, pad in hand, pencil poised. “And what may I bring you lovely ladies today?” She gave us some moments and then, “If you like lasagna, let me tell you the one we have on our specials today is just divine.” “Sold!” I say, Lorelei adding, “Same and don’t spare the garlic bread, no dates tonight.” Maxine grinning, “Guessing that will be red wine today?” She didn’t even need the answer.

She had no more than left when there’s a knock on the window – one of the reasons we loved this booth was watching the passing parade and in this small New England town often as not there’d be someone you knew who would then come in to join you for a short or long visit. In this case it was JoCarol and soon she’s standing at our table.

“Thought you’d like to know, I just ran into your ex-husband at the gas station. Said he was here just for the day for a meeting with a client he still represents. Said to say hello if I saw you.” “OK thanks, l’ll consider myself hello-ed.” “Gotta run,” she says, “picking up take-out and then trying to get home enough ahead of the family to make it look like it all came from my own two little hands.” Chuckles all around, and she’s off.

“Yikes,” Lorelei says. “Looks like it’s your day for previous loves getting into your head. Of course I learned firsthand about your ex Rory. But really all I know about Bradley is that you two were high school sweethearts, married, divorced, then he re-married, now divorced too. Care to fill in some blanks?”

“So, Bradley and Tanya and their dad, Matt, moved to town when I was a freshman, same age as Bradley, Tanya at the time 8 years old. Their mom had passed away a year prior and I guess they just wanted a new start in a new place.

They’d had a bakery back East and had found one for sale in our town. My donut obsession had me in their place on a regular basis, and soon I was often at their home too as Bradley and I began dating, or at least as much as that was allowed 14-year-olds, and at the same time I was developing a kind of motherly affection for Tanya.”

“Was the dad nice, good to the kids?”

“Oh my, was he. And I have to tell you, I had kind of a crush on him. He was quite handsome in a rugged sort of way. You know, I may be looking forward to seeing him even more than Bradley.

"And I admire him too. He and Bradley's mom had a bit of a shotgun wedding at age 16. The thing is they were really devoted to one another and he didn’t hesitate to marry her, quit school, and go to work in his father’s bakery, meanwhile insisting that she be the one to finish school, which in time moved to online. They had a loving marriage until cancer took her away.

“Anyway, our good times came to a rather abrupt end in my senior year when my dad was offered the chance to fill a vacancy as department head at a top rated private college here. It was a great opportunity for him but it also meant moving to another state. Bradley and I had both planned to go on to our local community college after graduation so our parting was less traumatic given that I would be back in a matter of months.

“But that’s not how it turned out. It soon became apparent that staying here with tuition and book perks, free housing, and the transportation costs between my old and new homes, it just made more sense for me to enroll in dad’s college. Besides it was a beautiful campus and the instructors were first rate.

“So Bradley and I had to settle for a long distance relationship, but there was some I guess inevitable attrition, and even sooner than I expected I realized I really didn’t miss him that much. Eventually I had to send the letter letting him know I’d become engaged.”

“That was Rory?”

“Yes, Rory. I didn’t know if Bradley’s response would be congratulations or recriminations, but it was neither. I never heard from him again. Meanwhile since I remained in touch with Tanya I was kept up to date on his milestones, including his marriage and the birth of his two children.”

“Well I must say, when I asked if it would be awkward I had no idea just how much.”

“You know, I would kind of like to see him. I’ve wondered more than once if I made the wrong choice, if I should have worked harder to maintain the relationship even from afar. I mean Bradley really was a very nice guy. Maybe seeing him again could put that question to rest, even if I don’t like the answer. Of course no idea what kind of welcome I’ll receive fourteen years later.”

“A nice guy Maris? Well that does set up a contrast with Rory, doesn’t it.”

“Yeah . . . yeah.”

On the drive home, unbidden, Rory does creep into my head. He was every woman’s dream. Seemingly. Tall, muscular, tousely blond hair, turquoise eyes that had the power to make your heart all but beat right out of your chest. And charm that worked its magic on men and women alike.

And especially dear to my heart, a true animal lover. I found that out when I first saw him because it was at a fundraiser for the shelter where I volunteered on Saturdays. And when I saw him sign sheet after sheet for the silent auction, I knew this was someone I wanted to meet. Turned out he could well afford those commitments when I later learned he was a partner in a top law firm.

After I had made my own pledges, I stood at one of the cocktails tables with a glass of wine and small plate of hors d’oeuvres. When I saw him heading my way with his own glass and plate I smiled and sure enough he joined me. Conversation came easy with the topic of animals being an easy opening subject, and we had much to share on the issues that both of us did our best to support. We left with a dinner date for the coming Saturday evening. I think I walked on air to my car.

Within days we were a couple. Looking back I realize the first red flag actually appeared on our third date, but clearly I’d let it fly right over my head. Since he’d twice taken me out for dinner, I’d invited him for dinner at my home. Along with steaks and Caesar salad I had made my never-fail, crowd pleasing, totally delectable, creamy cheesy potato casserole. Midway into the meal I couldn’t bear it any longer and asked “Do you like the potatoes?” “Yeah, they’re OK,” he’d replied. I was crestfallen, but let it pass.

That was page 1 of a whole book filled with similar incidents throughout our 10 years of marriage. It’s not that we didn’t get along because we did and had our share of good times together. But Rory seemed just incapable of giving of himself. When I redecorated the family room, was promoted to head writer of my section at the magazine, when I won a blue ribbon for my floral display, and I know this sounds shallow, but even when I’d get really dressed up for an evening out, along with a bazillion other small things, never a word or praise or encouragement from him. And it wasn’t even so much that I needed that cheerleading as it was disappointment in his apparent need to withhold it.

But it didn’t go really bad until the saying nothing turned to saying something and the something wasn’t good. If I had an accomplishment, or a bit of good fortune, or congratulations from someone in his presence, his immediate reaction was to take a verbal jab, minimize whatever it was, just puncture the balloon. In a rare moment he had told me about his super strict father, and that whatever he did wasn’t ever enough for good ol’ dad.

A question that had haunted me since the divorce invaded the memory - why didn’t I work harder to help him overcome that bad beginning. Work harder? Didn’t do it for Bradley. Didn’t do it for Rory. Was something wrong with me?

At home I call Lorelei. “I’m going, and this may be pie in the sky but I’d like to see if I can find some answers about Bradley, about me, maybe even about Rory.”

“Well best of luck with that, my dear. And if it’s OK with you, the details just might show up in my next story.”

* * *

So here it is the day before New Year’s Eve and the commuter plane is touching down at our little hometown airport. In short order we’re in the terminal and Tanya is flying toward me at warp speed, then hugging me as if she’ll never let go. I have only carry-on so we head straight for the car with Tanya talking a mile a minute about her new husband, his job, his hobbies, how for now they’d be living with Matt, the party. And then in the middle of the parking lot she stops dead. “Oh my God Maris, I’m so sorry, I’m babbling like our little brook. How are you? Was your flight OK? Are you OK?”

We both did our share of chattering all the way home. As we walk in, Matt comes barreling down the hall, folds me into a big bear hug, and then holding me at arm’s length, “Well doggone you’ve done nothing but get prettier. But, now go on out to the back patio and say hi to Bradley. He’s mixing up some margaritas.” Here we go.

His back is to me as I head outside. When he turns and sees me, a smile lights his face. “Bradley, I, I .. .” “Oh no, I know that face, whatever you were about to say, don’t. How about instead giving me a hug.” Releasing me back to arm’s length, “It’s all OK. We’d gone to different places, and I don’t mean just geographically. For sure we had good times together, but in the long run guess we just weren’t right for each other.”

And I can’t help thinking, am I the only one wondering if we could be now? No responses pop up for either question.

Tanya’s Robbie arrives then and I take an instant liking to this fine young man, relieved that this is who Tanya has chosen. Even early as it is in the game, they surely seem right for each other.

With the margarita glow, dinner from the backyard grill, and lively conversation, the evening is enjoyed by all. When I finally close the door to the guest room, though, three intriguing, maybe even life-changing, thoughts are swirling in my head.

The first is that as much as I had enjoyed re-connecting with Bradley, I knew in my heart of hearts that we still weren’t right for each other, and I think he sensed this too. For extra confirmation, though Bradley also stayed the night there is no knock on my door. But the good news is that the past no longer needs to be a source of guilt or pain, and we can move forward with good thoughts for each other.

For the second one, I actually had to thank Bradley for that simple concept of not right for each other. Could that apply to Rory and me too? It wasn’t necessarily that he was bad or I was bad. We just weren’t right for each other.

And into my head flows something Lorelei said about Rory when we were still married – “It’s no secret that I’m no fan of your husband” she’d said. “And I’m certainly not excusing him. But you and I have both seen on a number of occasions that deeply passionate ‘animal people’ are often just not ‘people people.’ And with what we know of his dad, it’s not surprising that he turned to animals for love.” Maybe I can put that to rest now too!

The third thought, aiyyyyy, maybe could explain why I was never able to give my heart fully to either Bradley, or Rory, or anyone I’ve dated since. But I was going to have to push that nagging suspicion far off to the back of my brain.

The next morning I ask if someone could take me to get ingredients for my potato casserole. While Tanya protests that I don’t have to make anything, Bradley says he’s going to pick up his kids and could drop me at the store and pick me up on the way back. We again had a nice chat, and even nicer one when the kids joined in.

The house is a-bustle all day with cooking, decorating, and pushing furniture around. The patio is also set up with extra tables and chairs, and it strikes me how nice it is to spend winter days in mild California weather.

When we’re claiming seats for dinner, Matt beckons me and pats the chair next to him. “My kids have been monopolizing your time and we’ve hardly had a chance at all to catch up.” We chatted companionably much like old times, now though adult to adult.

At one point he exclaims, “My God these are the best potatoes I’ve ever tasted. I wonder who made them.” I look at him and realize he really doesn’t know. I point to myself. “You, you did? Marry me, girl!” We all laugh at our table, and I think I might be blushing a bit.

As the sun is setting, and making quite a show of it, I’m on the front porch swing and thinking how many times I’d been in this very spot throughout my adolescence. I hear a voice say, “There you are,” and Matt takes a seat next to me on the swing. That third thought from last night is uncontrollably emerging.

We sit in comfortable silence as the sun disappears, but leaving its brilliant colors behind. “You know Maris, I always thought of you as my second daughter. So I have to say I actually shocked myself, even yelled at myself a little, for my reaction when I saw you come in the door and . . .”

I very tentatively laid my hand on his where it rested on the swing, “And what Matt?” It was the first time I’d called him that.

“I mean could you even consider an old geezer like me?”

“You’re not really all that much older.”

“Are you saying . . . “

“I’m saying I’ve loved you all my life.”

* * *

The family took it pretty well. Even Bradley, though after it sank in, you could see the dawning.

“Wait! Wait! You’re going to be my stepmom!!!”

And . . . I’m going to be joining the family in the bakery, bringing in savory offerings, potatoes of course and more.

But I’m so looking forward to moving back to my hometown. And back to my heart’s true home.

* * *

I called Lorelei that night. “Boy, have I got a story for you.”

- end -