A Spark of Hope

Sometimes people aren’t as good at things as others. It is important to be able to accept that you are not as good at something and be willing to improve.

I don't understand. I don’t understand. Those are the words that repeat in my head. Over and over. Again and again. It is never ending. It all just keeps repeating.

I should know, but I don’t. I should’ve known when my mom said that I could never be something. I should’ve just accepted it. I should’ve never questioned it.

I could never be as good as my classmates. My family. My friends. The expectations were overwhelming. My family holds records. My friends have straight honors classes. My classmates know what they are doing and have no trouble in class. None of these things were true about me. I could never do anything. Be anything. I could never actually be myself. I could never show the world who I really was. I never even got the chance. Never.

I don’t understand.

It is a bright, beautiful day. The sun shines as bright as a star. It is as beautiful as the combination of diamonds and gold. The clouds are in the right positions. The wind is blowing against my shoulders perfectly. The sounds of animals thriving in the nearby forest. The beautiful flowers and plants that surround me. The trees are rocking back and forth. Over and over again. They swish in the wind making the sound of nature.

Just another dreadful day. No understanding. No comprehension. No thriving at anything.

I want to understand. I just want everything to make sense. I want to be accepted. I want to meet everyone’s expectations of what I need to be. I want to show who I really am and what I can do. I want to be myself. I doubt any of these wants will be fulfilled.

…

Another day. Gloomy, sucky, bad.

I head to school as my teacher passes back our tests. I have no hope at all. My teacher puts my test on the desk I where I sit. I sit down without any energy as I look at my test. Another F-. As usual.

After school, I head to the science fair meeting. I have one this week and another next week though I have no hope at winning either of them.

"Rayana, you have to do better next time on your project. You have a ton of errors and are lacking a lot of requirements," my teacher says loudly

I feel shame echoing through my body as it takes over. I hear people laughing. Mainly the smart kids. They understand everything. I don't.

As I walk home from the science fair meeting, I realize something. Something big. What if I actually tried? What if I had hope of winning. I already feel things changing. If I put effort and show hope, I could understand. I could meet expectations.

I could still pass my classes. I could still get a high score at the science fair. I just need to believe in myself. I need to have hope.

…

Today is the day. I feel it. I will make a change. I will be something. I will make my wishes, my wants, some true. As I jump out of bed, I feel a cool breeze against my head. I feel the breeze more and more as I run down the stairs as fast as a cheetah. I am as hopeful as can be.

The weather is splendid outside. I hear the birds chirping, the sounds of trees swaying. I feel the heat reflecting on my body. I can taste nature in my mouth. Everything is just so vivid.

I feel a burst of energy racing through my body. My brain only thinks positive thoughts. Something is different about today. Something has changed.

This could be my time to understand. My time to be something. Someone.

As I walk into school, I hear the echoing of conversations in the hallways. I walk past my teachers as they all greet me. The school seems better than ever. I can just feel it.

While I swiftly walk into class, I listen to the teacher beginning to start the lecture. Then something clicks. I understand. I really do. I begin to take notes. For the first time, something in my life actually makes sense. I am really doing it!

After my classes, I walk to the science fair where I finish up my project. This is just another science fair, but something feels different about this one. After finishing I bring it to the judges. I start to sweat more and more as they discuss the results. I am the last person to be judged, so everyone is waiting. My heart starts pounding. It beats faster and faster. My thoughts come in faster than ever before.

The judge slowly steps up the stairs as they walk onto the podium. They are about to reveal who won!

They first start out with the usual thanks to all the people who impacted the competition in any way. I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if I won. Everyone; my parents, family, friends, teachers. They would all finally take me seriously. They would finally accept me.

The judges finally come to an end with their speeches and now the final judge moves on to announcing the winner. I am even more nervous than before. My body starts to ache.

“Our science fair winner is…Rayana Smolov" The judge yells with excitement.

I won! I did it! I knew this one would be different. My symptoms of anxiety stop. All I can feel is a surge of energy and excitement as I walk up onto the podium to receive my trophy. It shines so bright. It was all worth it. For the first time ever in my life, I feel proud of myself. I really do.

As I walk home I feel nothing but positivity in me. I knew something had changed and it did. For the first time ever.

I can’ t wait to tell my parents and everybody. I can’t stop mapping out all the possibilities in my mind. At this point some just repeat again and again. I keep pondering.

I walk through the nature surrounding my house.

As I enter, I yell,”I won the science fair! I understand! I understand things everyone,”

There is an uproar of happiness in the whole house and everyone congratulates me. I feel a surge of delight rushing through my whole body. I feel like I am the most pleased human on earth.

For the first time ever I was accepted. I was someone. I found myself. Everything was all worth it. I was as good as my classmates, I was as good as my friends. I could represent my family. All while being my complete self. Not someone else.

I might have not started out perfect at everything. I had room for improvement, but I did it. I improved. When I started having hope, everything went correctly. I improved. I understood things that I never believed I could have. I should have believed in myself and realized I could do it in the first place. It all started with a spark of hope.