Cream Cheese and Lox

            I sat at a table in the far corner of a bagel shop. I brought my notepad and a pen. I ordered an iced coffee and a donut. I removed my watch and placed it in front of me and generously set the timer for one hour. I was never good with words but how hard will it be spilling my guts to a girl? I’ve read romance before. I’ve seen romantic movies. I’m sitting in the place where we met, after all. Even the same guy who was here that day is still here. He bore witness! He doesn’t remember me. He says he sees a lot of couples in here. Okay, so one hour. No distractions. My yellow pad is blank. New. My pen is full. Also new. 

            Maybe I should sit away from the window. There’s a dad bringing his son to a karate class. I remember I was in karate class. I was kicked out, though. I was too “distracted” or so they told my mom. Okay. What’s the first line you tell a girl? Why did I choose blue ink? I should have picked black! Bold. Serious. It’s fine. What if I say, “Come back to me.” “Come back to me.”?! That is psychotic. That is a nightmare. No, be softer. Think. Think. This coffee sucks. I don’t understand why no one can make a good cup of coffee anymore. And I tipped on this. I want to return it. It’s too hot for a hot coffee. How’s this donut? Awful. Yup. I knew it. What did I expect from a place that reeks of burnt bagels. I thought bagels were boiled. Ah, I know what to write.

            “You ordered cream cheese and lox” are you serious? Why don’t you start the letter with a hi or a hello? If I received a letter from someone and that was the first line, I would throw it away. I would crumple it up and toss it. Okay, what about ”Hi, I’m sitting in the place where we met. You ordered a cream cheese and lox which is what I got and that’s when I knew you were the one.” You are overthinking this WAY too much. Maybe I should ask Claude or Chatgpt or something…NO! that defeats the whole purpose! Come on, you can write a love letter. You were in love! Wait. You are in love!

            Oh god I hope this group of kids don’t come in. Please don’t. Please don’t. Damn. Ah, it’s not that big of deal. They’re young. Teens. Having a good time on a Wednesday afternoon. I just hope they’re not loud. Nope. They’re loud. Man, they all really do look the same. I don’t understand why young boys wear pajama bottoms in public. Like why? You’ll be a man soon. Are you going to wear cookie monster pj’s and crocks to go pick up chicks? And same with the girls, too. Why don’t you cover your other shoulder? Sweaters are for your whole torso. Also, why are you wearing a sweater? It’s like 85 outside. 10 bucks they’re going to order something stupid like a caramel frap or something. Oh wow. Just regular iced coffees? Surprising. Well good luck with that. It sucks. Please don’t sit near me. Please don’t sit near me. Whew. They left. I don’t know what they were talking about but whatever it was, it sounded very serious. Whoever you are out there, don’t you dare snapchat Sofie or Sofia or something like that, or was it she doesn’t snapchat someone…or…whatever. 

            Oooohhhhhh I got it. “Hi. Do you remember when I asked for your number and you gave me your email instead? You said you don’t give your number to strangers and I laughed and said I would email you later that night? So your email is the first letter of your name and then Manon@gmail and I was just laughing cause for the first week we knew each other I didn’t know your name. You told it to me but I just couldn’t remember it so I kept finding ways to address you without actually addressing you by your name and it reminded me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry forgets the girls name.” Maybe I deserve to be alone. Who the hell would ever reveal that to someone? Do I love her? What the hell is the matter with me? 

            Wow that guy parked like an asshole. This douche is basically taking up two spots. And in a convertible of all cars. Nice sunglasses you dork. Is it going to rain? Did you and I ever get caught in the rain together? You like the rain. I remember that. You said it reminds you of home. Back in Washington. And I told you it doesn’t rain much in Texas. But when it does, it pours. And you said that sounds poetic. And I blushed because you called me a poet. And I told you I flunked 6th grade. And you asked why. And I said I never did my work and I thought school was boring. And you said we need school cause then everyone would be dumb. And I said wow, you’re smart. And then you blushed. 

Wait, I lost my track of thought. Why am I here? I miss you. but do I miss you miss you? do I love you? or do I love you love you? what are your pros? I love your smile. I love your laugh. You’re way smarter than I am. And less judgey. You’re thoughtful. You’re kind to me. You’re patient. I’m never patient. I’m pretty much a lost cause. I’m impulsive. Judgmental. Reckless. Distracted. That guy who works here just offered me a free cookie for some reason and I said yes. Eh. Not bad. Better than this sorry excuse for a donut. Seriously I may not come back here and I will write a yelp review and…stop. Why are you here? Your paper is a mess. A small bird is attacking a larger bird in the sky. Is it a sign? I want it to be. Okay so what does it mean? You said you liked birds. You are a bird watcher. That is your hobby. I bet you can tell me what kinds of birds these are. That’s another pro. You’re inquisitive. I don’t have many hobbies. But I can make one up. What does that mean? 

Maybe I’ll write that. That I’m sorry. I’ll just open with that. Straight to the point. There’s a lot to be sorry for. Should I list them all? Like bullet point them? If I line them all up there would be a lot of commas. Maybe I’ll just write the main ones and then I can apologize for the smaller ones later. I don’t know. My shoe lace is untied. How did I get this stain on my shirt? Maybe that’s why you left me. I’m a mess. Spill your guts. Come on. Spill them. Pick up the pen. Turn over a new page and write. Okay good. Now pick up the pen. That’s it. Put it to the paper.

Uh uh…now write. 

“hi. I’m sorry. Love, Andrew” 

Times up.