It's A Wonderful Death

Thomas W. had been enjoying a lovely evening on the town with his wife when all of a sudden, they were accosted by a ghetto thug.

“Gimme all yer money and jewels and stuff!”

“No way, sir.”

“Then die, you yuppie!”

Bang, bang!

And just like that, Thomas and his dear spouse were murdered, shot to death in the street like some mangy dogs.

The explosion in population in the previous century had backed things up considerably at the Pearly Gates. Thomas had to wait in line for nearly thirty years for his opportunity to converse with the Big Guy. He was pretty worked up by the time he got up there.

“Sir, my death was unfair! I had so much to live for, and I was doing so much good in the world. My wife was young and beautiful, and I pampered her. My son had the potential to be wise and athletic. I was wealthy, but I was also philanthropic. I think my death was a mistake, and I’d like another chance at life.”

The Supreme Decision Maker thought for a minute. Finally, he answered, “Naw.”

“But, why not? Surely, the world would have been a better place if I had lived.”

Again, a pregnant pause, and then, “Nope.”

“But how can you say that? I need proof!”

Thomas, while young, rich, smart, and attractive, was not much of a reader, and didn’t ever get to the part of the Bible about not seeking after signs. However, being the loving Being that He is, God cut Thomas a deal.

“We’re pretty busy up here, but I do have one angel that has been trying to earn his wings for a few centuries. He is kind of a bottom-bargain guy, but I think he can help you. His name is Clearance.”

Poof!

All of a sudden, Thomas was standing on a cloud, and a dirty-looking little elfin thing with a ratty beard and a fat cigar was standing next to him, scratching his scrotum. He looked pretty under the weather, too; in fact, the guy looked sick as a dog! The scuzzy man took his hand away from his sack long enough to offer it to Thomas.

“I’m Clearance. Nice ta meet ya.”

Thomas shook the hand reluctantly, then wiped his own discreetly on the seat of his pants.

“So, you need the ol’ ‘opposite of what has happened’ trick, eh?”

“Um,” Thomas replied. “I guess so?”

“Alrighty, bub. Hang on toit. One alternate reality, comin’ up!”

Pop, boom, flash!

At that, Thomas found himself in a swanky leather office chair facing a huge computer screen. To his back was a panoramic window overlooking the city where he used to live. He realized he was in his old office building, but now it was bigger than ever! He was practically a mile high in the sky, and he could look down over the whole city. Clearance was sitting on his desk.

“This looks great, Clearance! What did I tell you? My business must be really profitable to have a building like this!”

Clearance made a grunting sound in reply.

“What? Is something wrong?”

“Ya better take a close look at everything there, bub. Ya may not like whatcha see.”

“I don’t follow,” Thomas replied, his smugness wearing off a bit.

“ I guess I’ll just show ya.”

Click!

The computer screen flicked on in front of Thomas, and on it, a screensaver of scantily clad women dancing appeared.

“What is this trash?”

“It's yer compooper, bub. Yer into headenistic crap like this ever since yer wife left ya and took half yer cash. She got all cracked out from boredom and hooked up with the pool boy.”

“Oh, golly, that’s bad! But, I’m sure my son still loves me.”

“No sirree, bub. Your son is the biggest reason you can’t come back. Yer livin’ really messes up his character arc.”

“Huh?”

“Look, without you dyin’, yer son grows up a spoiled rich brat. He gets what he wants, has no consequences, lives like a playboy, and never learns responsibility. He’s got no love fer nothin’, and that really screws the pooch fer this whole place.”

“Surely my son’s choices couldn’t justify the death of his parents?”

“‘Fraid so, bub. Lookie ‘ere.”

Snap!

Clearance snapped his finger, and the image on the computer changed from the dancing girls to a local news website. The news stories on it were dire. They showed that the city was really messed up in a number of very odd and tragic ways.

First off, crime levels everywhere were insanely high. The GPD must be absolutely terrible at their jobs, because weirdo criminals seemed to have taken over the town. And the bad guys’ methods were very strange! One guy was catching people in frozen death traps. Another turned the streets into a battleground by releasing all the inmates from the local insane asylum. There was a politician who was making every major decision based solely on the flip of a coin. A separate psycho had poisoned the city’s drinking water, causing all the town’s denizens to hallucinate in horrible ways. And then, maybe worst of all, but it’s not clear why, was a madman who seemed to bring people to a boil by making bad jokes that were intended to rage-bait. It was pandemonium!

“All of these things are happening just because Bruce wasn't left an orphan?” Thomas asked, bewildered.

“Yeah, crazy huh?” replied the angel. Who’da thought you could get so much mileage from a couple a dead rich people, eh?”

“But surely some good would come from my living, right? Can’t you show me the positive ways my existence would have changed the world?”

“Erm…” Clearance hesitated. “I’m not sure the Big Guy would want me ta be doin’ that…”

“Please, Clearance,” Thomas begged. “Show me how the world would have been better if I had lived! That’s all I want to know.

Muttering under his breath, Clearance said, “Crap like this is why I can’t get my wings… grumble, grumble…” Then, more animatedly, “Alright, bub, a deal’s a deal. Here’s the deets:.”

“If you’d a lived, then the 1997 Joel Schumacher film Batman and Robin would never have been made, eliminatin’ one of the worst movies of all time from the Hollywood vaults. The world is undoubtedly a better place without that trash!

“Next, since that refuse wasn’t made, and the terrible sidekick character never existed, both the names of “Robin” and Dick” are still considered cool and are quite commonplace. You can’t have too many Dicks!

“Furthermore, since Arnold Schwarzenegger was never able to star in the aforementioned rubbish, his acting career never took the unfortunate detour it took at that a time, makin’ him so unpopular that he had to divert into politics. Gotham may not a wished for your continued existence, but I’m pretty sure California would!

“Moreover, since yer still alive and no Batman movies have been made, Hollywood icon and treasure, Heath Ledger, is also still alive. He never went crazy from playing the Joker. And, he still won his much-deserved Oscar! But, instead of winnin’ for The Dark Knight, he won for Brokeback Mountain 2: Back for More! He really went for broke in that a one!”

Buh-boom, crash!

“Clearance, I don’t understand. It sounds like there are more positive reasons for my existence than negative ones. Why can’t we make this thing happen, bring me back, give me the shot I never had?” Thomas Wayne had tears in his eyes. He was really pleading his case.

“No can do, bub. There’s a one thing yer forgettin’.”

“What’s that?”

“Superman.”

“Huh?”

“Superman. Supe’s the reason I can’t bring you back, bub.”

Thomas was really lost now. He stopped sniffling and started to get irritated. “What do you mean Superman is the reason I can’t come back?”

“Well, think about it. The Man Upstairs, He likes balance in all things, right? Good and evil, yin and yang, light and dark, et cetra?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, He is also, understandably, a huge Superman fan. I mean, yeah, yer son’s pretty cool, but he’s far from bein’ an x-ray seein’, cold breath breathin’, flyin’, lovin, invincible defender of democracy and humanity and such, right?”

“Right…”

“And no Superman villain has ever really been a match for him. The best they can usually do is just be smart and such.”

“Okay…”

“Hence, another hero is needed to add the right contrast! Another hero to create a debate! Batman is needed for the same reason Lucifer was let into the Garden. Ya know, opposition in all things and such. If there’s no Batman, there can’t really be any Superman because Supe is too great! So, ultimately, and this should please ya, your death had to happen because it (like everything) is all part a God’s plan!”

“Because He is a Superman fan?”

“Indoobitably. God truly works in mysterious ways. But, He is all powerful, like his favorite hero (not your son), and so you stay dead. Can ya handle that?”

Thomas Wayne looked at the disheveled angel, thought about the indisputable argument just placed before him about the undeniable top spot in the superhero hierarchy belonging to Superman, and couldn’t formulate an argument against it, even to save his own life.

“Yeah. I guess I can accept that.”

Sprout, poof, and pop!

And with that, Thomas Wayne was transported back to Heaven and given four virgins, and Clearance sprouted a pair of beautiful hummingbird wings.