Twinkle

I still remember my mom’s surprised face when I told her about our new third-grade teacher.

-What are you saying? Are you nuts?

+ I don’t want to join her classes, she is grey, and grey is not good

- Ahh, I don’t know what you are saying, GREY? What do you mean? Actually, I know, it is just another excuse to ditch class.

They don’t understand what I mean. Sometimes it is difficult to use words to describe your feelings. How should I describe the mind-blowing smell of gold sunshine? I’m dying for the colourful sunny days.

+ It’s gold today, let’s go for a walk.

- I’m so tired, we can go tomorrow.

+ Tomorrow is black, it’s not good for going out.

- There we go! It begins! Gold, black, blue. Stop talking nonsense.

I was always punished for my feelings as a kid. People sometimes took it personally and saw it as disrespectful, but I was just trying to describe my mind.

- You should say sorry and apologize to your classmate!

+ I didn’t do anything wrong to her

- You told her "Dark brown" in class

+ It is what she is! I just said what I saw in her

- You are rude! Very rude!

Trying to explain my feelings and make people understand what I mean has always been a big challenge in my life. I got more introverted, tried to keep things in my head rather than let them shoot out. I tried to speak less, pretend more, be like everyone else wearing a mask and play roles in life. Most people around me thought that as I got older, I became “wiser”. Ah wise! What does it mean? Stop feeling things? Being a very ordinary person with zero understanding of nature? I hate this word, I hate this dark, black, ugly word!

I can feel things by colours. People, names, seasons, memories, they all have colours in my mind, and if you don’t judge me for a second, I even make friends based on their colours. My best friend was light orange; she couldn’t feel colours, but at least she didn’t laugh at me.

She was the one who listened to me for hours while I explained how the sun splashes colours everywhere every morning, how I feel green colours on my fingers after touching leaves and plants, how a whitish-pink spring is full of blossoms each year. How summerish orange she was when she touched my heart with her beautiful silver smile the first day at the library. Knowing her was that shiny turning point in my life which changed my world. She opened the gate of the colourful galaxy of my mind and let those bright thoughts spill out freely.

-Ok, tell me, how does it happen? How does it work?

+What?

- How do you make colours in your mind? How is it?

+I don't make them, I feel them.

- OK, whatever, how? I want to feel them too.

+I don’t know, I just listen to my heart, and it tells me, it shows me.

-I wish I could see them too.

+ Most people see colours, but don’t feel them.

-Tell me more!

I held her hand and placed it on her heart.

+Everything is in here! It is magical. Listen to it; it shows you everything.

She was excited. And again I saw that smile that sends me to the moon.

She was the only person I could be myself with. She eagerly listened to me and tried to know more about this adventurous, dreamy world.

It was our routine to talk about these thoughts when I got back from college and headed to the library. She was there, she was always there, waiting for me. She couldn’t feel them. I helped her! I tried my best to explain things to her with all the details, she closed her eyes and listened, and listened and listened. We didn’t notice time passing, but we could tell it was what we enjoyed the most.

It was like sweet fun for both of us to sit together and fly around our sparkling dreams. And I was glad to find my bestie who let me be myself.

I can’t remember when that black, heavy day was, when all my good memories turned to smoke and drifted into the air. Like other days, I happily went to the library to start our journey together. But she was not there! It was the first time that I arrived there, and no one was sitting in the chair, waiting for me. I felt deep grey inside, and my heart said something is not right.

I was lost in those thoughts when she suddenly showed up. With that heart-warming smile, but not that familiar shiny face. She came to me and held my hands. Something was happening which I was not ready for. I could feel that.

She explained that her parents were moving to another country, so she could have a better life. I was not sure what I was hearing. It felt like a heavy hammer hit me over the head and snapped me back to the present moment.

+ You cannot do this to me, you can’t leave me alone.

- I don’t want to leave you alone. You gave me “Eyes” to see, to feel things. I see colours, I see all colours! I see our beautiful, yellow, glowing friendship.

+ You see them?!

She placed her hand on her heart.

- I see them by my heart, I finally see them. Everything is in here!

I couldn’t stop crying, but there was a twinkle in my eyes.

+ What should I do without you?

- You are not without me; I’m in your heart, and you are in my heart forever. It is magical, remember? You are a crimson light in my life that lights it up.

I don’t know how long we dreamed together that afternoon, but I just remember her last smile when she picked up her white cane and slowly, gently walked out the door.