A gift

According to all official expert reports, it was an accident.

Unexpected, unexplainable, undeniable, unforgiving.

But, an accident.

The New Hope was set to leave the planet with a crew of thirty. Meant to get help for the ones remaining here, suffering with anything from severe anxiety and schizophrenia to some grave injuries.

It was supposed to be a salvation mission.

Much like the one that brought me here in the first place, it was supposed to bring hope.

The planet showed up one day.

Out of nowhere, between the Earth and Mars.

It sat out there like it had always been there. Shining bright, enigmatic.

With a darkness to it that made my skin crawl.

Scientific research started and questions kept being added to a neverending list.

After PC420 was deemed ready to be explored by human beings, following a quick mission headed by machinery and artificial intelligence, the wheels started moving to get the first willing visitors.

In the beginning, every astronaut, astronomy expert and scientist was excited to look closely at the mysterious astro.

The strong campaign against the use of artificial intelligence took everyone by storm though. And threw everything out of control.

The day the candidates were supposed to show by the thousands for the selection exams, only a dozen people were to be seen by the main investors building.

Artificial intelligence was being demonized and the fact that it controlled most of the initial exploratory landing, scientific research and terraforming, was made public by an anonymous source that held TV channels hostage for nearly fifteen minutes.

I watched it all happen.

From afar and at the same time very near.

For I had seen it arrive.

I sensed its presence as soon as I woke up from that dream.

When the news channels regained control they sent out a call for volunteers.

Anyone who wanted a free ride for an adventure in space.

Or a gold ticket for a new beginning.

I know that's how I thought of it.

But I wasn't ready.

Instead I crawled under my bedsheets and just stayed there.

Waiting.

Two weeks later they were still looking for candidates.

This time they made it more enticing by announcing that everyone going on the mission would have a new, completely furnished apartment, waiting for their return.

For free.

Click.

I really needed a new home.

One where I didn't fear I'd be crushed alive while sleeping.

That's the problem with renting a place when you're in a rush, without reading the fine print. I was living on an underground apartment with a very real risk of the ground around me shifting and causing the whole building to collapse.

To collapse over me.

Along with the feeling of impending doom came the nightmares.

Terrible tragedies.

A plane crash.

A ferry engulfed by the sudden violence of the river.

A train on a head-on collision.

On each of those accidents I was a passenger.

I felt the despair and fear.

The pain.

The soul crushing, striking pain of having the air forced out of your lungs and replaced with water as you drown. Having every bone in your body broken and the weight of that last breath.

I felt it all.

Each time, I watched as the dark figure whispered something and then caused those tragedies.

All deemed accidental.

After the initial selection that kicked out the low lives and seemingly sick people, deemed unable to fulfill the expectations, the final team was announced over the speakers. I didn't really expect to make the cut.

Shivers went down my spine when the mechanical voice said my name Angelica Veda, followed by another hundred names.

I had no qualifications I thought were useful. Only roads that I started to travel but never really finished. Apparently that made me "curious, willing to take risks" and "imaginative". At least that's what the file they handed me back with the evaluation results said.

The objective was to explore, report to earth, and establish a base on this place that had become our neighbour overnight.

Throughout the whole thing many theories came to light. Some explored big bang theories, other dimensions and even visual tricks.

The most disturbing ones spoke of the devil alluring mankind to a terrible trap, meant to punish us for our sins.

I shook those thoughts off and headed for a new life.

Ran.

I ran.

I should have listened.

The launch day came quickly.

Everything seemed rushed to me.

Everything was done in a hurry.

Sure, the fact that it had just materialised one day was suspicious, but I felt like there was some external force working to make things faster.

By the time the shuttle landed on planet's surface there was no turning back.

Research teams were organised and schedules made.

Everyone had a purpose.

Unfortunately, within days it was clear nothing would go according to plan.

Instruments broke down, communications stopped working. Small injuries started happening.

Then bigger.

Then the first casualty.

Panic gave place to hysteria.

Anxiety and fear were at their highest as people wondered who would be next.

The army representatives started working on organising a return. Always delayed by unforeseen accidents and mishaps, they finally managed to repair the ship and pick a few of the sane survivors to report to Earth and send help.

I'm watching the ship launch from the planet.

Next to me are the others, those condemned to wait here, praying for help.

I'm inside the ship now.

The dark figure is here.

It says something and gets into the main deck.

I'm one of the passengers now.

I need to wake up.

I need to wake up!!!

I NEED TO WAKE UP!!!!

The ship managed to get out of the planet's orbit and send a quick automated message including a brief report before it exploded.

I felt every single one of those deaths.

It should have sent a warning instead.

I feel trapped here, everyone does. I'm spending most my days closed in my quarters now, sleeping, drawing, anything to keep me sane...and safe. Things are getting way out of control out there.

I'm sleeping on my bunk bed. The dark figure approaches my side.

I sit up, eyes still shut.

It starts talking to me.

I can't understand.

My mother's image appears in front of me, flickers for a split second and then it's gone.

I try to speak but my mouth won't open.

The figure disappears leaving me alone.

I wake up already sitting on the bed.

My mother.

I never understood why she took her own life. I was only fourteen and I never forgave her.

She left a letter but her words made no sense. Even if she could have explained it what would I had been able to understand?

"I have inherited a gift that I can bare no longer. The darkness is too much. I don't want it. I can only pray it ends with me.”

Twenty years have passed and only now am I starting to understand.

I thought she was crazy and selfish.

She left me alone after all.

But now...

I don't want it either.